Nightmare on Nathan Lane

I really, really must be hockey-deprived. This is probably a reaction to not winning the drawing for Wild tickets at my work the other night. The person who won the tickets left early! And he didn't know who anyone on the ice was! I mean, really! I feel there should have been a test. Possibly a written test, or maybe feats of strength. I would have won either way. You know that freakish strength that causes ordinary people to do extraordinary things in the right circumstances? For example, mothers lifting cars off of children, sawing off your own arm to save your life, etc. Well, a word of warning. Don't get between me and hockey tickets. I will cut you.

Anyway, I had a dream last night about hockey. No, not that kind of dream, you freaks. It was about the Minnesota Hockey Showcase, or whatever it's called. I'm not interested in paying TicketBastard fees if I don't have to, so I mailed in an order form to the UMD ticket office. (This is not part of the dream, this is real. I'll tell you when we're at the dream part.) My lower bowl tickets have been paid for, I'm certain of that, but I have no confirmation I am actually going to get them. I've been a little concerned about this lately, and I guess my dreams are now reflecting this fear.

In the dream, I was at the games at the Xcel, but it wasn't the Xcel in its normal form. It had two rinks, which is weird. One was lower than the other, and in between, there was a section of seating that had an ok view of the lower rink and a crappy view of the upper rink, as the seats were facing a wall with the rinks to either side. I know, it doesn't make sense, and it's hard to picture, but whatever. I was confused that those were the best seats I could get, but I figured, well, they had to give the season ticket holders first priority (which is true in real life), I guess this is the best I can get. And DHG and Stacy were in my section so I figured ok, I'm still with the Bulldogs fans. Well, FALSE. Because who shows up to sit next to me? The three most annoying fans in St. Cloud, which is a true accomplishment, as everyone from St. Cloud except for the hottie I work with who is Robby Nolan's doppelganger and hot RJ are totally obnoxious. I think we all know who I'm talking about. Donald certainly does. Do you all understand what a true nightmare it was for those people to show up in my dream? God. I digress. I'm thinking WTF, why are these people here? And then I realize I can't really see unless I peek over the side. And we were losing, too, which was distressing enough, without having to sit next to the stupid people. The score was 2-0, and really, the only thing I remember seeing of the game was some shot that one of our guys took that missed, but the rebound came out to the faceoff circles in the zone and Michael Gergen came flying in and I was really excited but then he missed. (Sorry, honey, but it's really been a long time since I remember you actually scoring a goal. So please, get right on that and don't ever let me forget again.) Somehow we did end up tying and we won 4-3 in OT, but I didn't get to see any of the game. And I was crying. I mean, sobbing. I was so angry that I had gotten crappy tickets, and I was trying to find an usher to complain to (which makes no sense, because what are they going to do) and no one seemed to care. And then some things I'm vague on happened, and I appeared to be whining at Wrigley Field, and then I woke up. At 6 a.m. On my day off.

(I did call the Xcel box office today and was reassured. Tickets are being mailed next week.)

Myths and Legends

Gather round, me hearties, as I tell ye a bone-chilling tale of the Great White North, home to some of the most dangerous creatures known to man. The trampling caribou, the abominable snowman, the ice road trucker, and the ancient beast the natives call loup de tonnerre, or the thunder wolf. The canis tonitrus lives on the icy northern shores of Gitcheegumee and feasts on the carcasses of small rodents, such as the gopher.

Our mighty Bulldogs have met these creatures in battle before, and well met, indeed. The blood of our enemies was mixed into the paint of the visitors's locker room in the DECC, and their bodies piled onto a ship, lit afire, and shoved off into the sea. Ahem, lake.

Okay. All crazy hermit tales aside, Dirty wrote about the Sioux and the Bisons and their tendency to have overage goons, but for reals, the Thunderwolves have a player who is THIRTY YEARS OLD. I mean, someone who probably drank his first beer before Scott Kishel was even BORN. I do hear that UND is looking at recruiting him for the Class of 2010.

The Superior Showdown starts early this year, boys. Let's do this.

Quick and Dirty

My friends, I know it's been a really really really really really really really really really really really really really really long time since I had ANY sort of communication. And this isn't going to be much better. But SOON, VERY SOON, THIS WEEKEND SOON, we have ACTUAL HOCKEY.

(Oh, maybe it's only been 2 weeks. But that's really a long time when there's impending hockey.)

I can't go because I have an underwater basketweaving class I can't possibly miss, but I find it very distressing. I want the opportunity to see some of the freshmen that I won't be seeing all that often on OCTOBER 17TH AND 18TH when I am IN DULUTH for the REAL GAME HOME OPENER. W0000000000000000000t!!!!

Anyway, I do have to take this moment to announce My Guys for this year. I don't think anyone will die of shock at who I picked/renewed:
Rob Bordson
Michael Gergen
MacGregor Sharp

5 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, can you believe the seniors?? God, it seems like they were freshmen just a few years ago!

Going Postal

I'm not going to lie to you people. I never do, unless it's obvious, like when I'm saying the entire team doesn't have a restraining order against me, or I'm pleased with our performance last season.

Anyway, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not exactly sober. My softball team won the fall league and went UNDEFEATED and we beat this team that brought in a RINGER who pitched too fast and hit 2 homeruns that accounted for 6 of their 9 runs and WE WON 10-9 IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH. HOORAY. And I tagged a girl (well, mature woman) out at home and made a surprising catch in right field. So, beers were needed. On a school night. But, I'm a grown up.

Chris from WCH recently pretended that he had fan mail, and so I would like to rip off his post call attention to my legions of fans that email me at RWD.

I know that the sun never sets on the RWD empire, which is why I'm always getting email from Anglo-Saxons like "Justin Morris Douglas" and Middle Easterners like "Jubril Hassan" and "Abubarkar Uswan." Hello, folks. So glad you felt the need to drop me a line, and I certainly will respond to your "PLEASE URGENT REPLY" as soon as possible. And all these CONFIDENTIAL emails keep popping up in my box, which I'm assuming contain scouting reports on the new freshmen and phone numbers and addresses for all the players. I'm assuming some of you are secretaries for the interested parties, as you are often sending me email "from the desk of Ibrahim Alpha" or "from Dr. Mustafa Bello." Dr. Bello, are you reporting an injury to one of My Guys? Distressing. Also, Dr. Abraham Kwesi, about that "Transfer of Funds" you're requesting, I'll have to look up my exact bank account number and get back to you. I think what's most exciting is how many prizes I've racked up. The UK Claims Requirements department, I assume part of the British government, has declared me the 2008 Winner!!! which seems a little premature, as what if someone else outperforms me in the coming months? We're only 2/3 of the way through the year! I also won some online promo, PLUS the Irish National Lottery AND the Lotteria Naccional Lottery, the origin of which remains uncertain at this time. I can quit my job!!! Take THAT, Mr. Spacely!

Anyway, I know your sides are aching from laughter at this point, but trust me, once I start writing about the team, you'll be begging for mercy. Because of the hysterics you'll be in.

A Midsummer Night's Post

Oh comrades, I know it's been awhile since I said anything, but I don't think anyone's really sad about that. And if you are, well, I suggest medication.

The season is still a little over a month away, but I'm started to really get excited. Something about the Twins playing infuriatingly inconsistent baseball makes me think of my wonderful Bulldogs. Hmm...

Really the only purpose of this post is to relay a very odd and obscure incident that happened to me last week. I was at work at Spacely's Space Sprockets* in a training and anyone who works at a job anywhere that has trainings knows that the first order of business is for everyone to introduce themselves in a cheesy way. You know, like "Two Truths and a Lie" or "Adjective That Starts With the First Letter of Your Name." In this case it was "Something Interesting About Yourself," which seems vague and indeed, some people had a lot of trouble with it, as they often do (Space Sprocketeers aren't exactly known for their creativity), and said dumb stuff like "I'm from South Dakota" or "I'm pregnant" (those are actually boring facts). I usually say something about hockey (My "lie" on two truths and a lie is usually "I'm a die-hard Gophers fan") and the facillitator said "Oh wow, well my family is into hockey etc etc etc, and my brother in law is a college hockey ref."

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookay.

I looked at her name tag again and realized the last name made sense, and yes, he is indeed a WCHA assistant referee. Because I can recall the names of many of the ARs, and that makes me a sad individual.

What makes me an even sadder person is that I went online to College Hockey Stats during my break and looked through some games to see if he had reffed any tUMD games recently, and I found some. What makes it such a big deal is that he happened to be an AR in a series in which two mistakes, one a too many men on the ice call and one an offsides call, the only calls ARs are supposed to be making, cost tDogs 2 games. And I relayed this to the trainer and she laughed and said "Donna, you're talking about games that happened almost a year ago, you need to get over it," and I said "No, the games happened two years ago," and everyone laughed a little uncomfortably like they realized they were in a room with the hockey equivalent of David Helfgott (the guy from the movie Shine, also known as Shiney McShine). Then we all watched a YouTube video of one of the other guys in the room motorcycle racing in Brainerd and everyone forgot about the weird hockey savant.

The next post will be more interesting. I'm just waiting for them to post the new roster pics so we can all drool over them. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm....

*I don't actually work for Spacely's Space Sprockets. However, MEg does.

Hits from the Blog

Pick it, pack it, fire it up, come along and read some hits from the blog...

I know, it's lazy, but it's entertaining to me at least. One of the things I love about this blog is, even though no one reads it, I still get hits. Judging from some of these keywords, most of the people coming here are sociopaths, but I'm pleased with that.

(Also, folks, what did we learn from last week's MVP??? That if a player is a healthy scratch or isn't playing to his potential, it is most likely because he was left handcuffed to a bed by a crazy skank with a dollhouse who falsely accused him of rape and wears crazy wigs. Also, midgets are evil and will stab you in the back, and there's no point in quitting drinking because life will suck anyway. I haven't watched this week's ep. yet, but I KNOW it's going to be AMAZING.)

Anyway, here. Here is what the once and future mass murderers of the world are using as keywords for their desperate searches:

Hockey-related

grawler for checking amateurs because our grawler is a checking professional

scsu bulldog blog gonna be searching for that for a long time, buddy

umd brooms hockey decc gopher ahh, sweet memories

jordan parise naked gouge my eyes out with a rusty nail!

brian salcido kiss possible cause of the mono?

does tj oshie have have a girlfriend? 2nd most popular hit on this blog, after david james elliott shirtless.

rob bordson loves michael gergen i love him, too. i also love rob bordson.

what does the t in tumd mean ask the expert!

minnesota state mankato nick kemp blog people need to read the media guide more closely.

colby genoway in bed ok, seriously. someone is messing with me. that's the grossest thought ever conceived.

taylor chorney's girlfriend ...is me.

mike curry muscular agreed

how good is stalock he's like buttah.

jason garrison brown bear kill kodiak alaska he is SO badasssssss.

robbie earl engaged even a blind squirrel finds a nut.

Semi-hockey-related

duluth, party, football, crazy, bulldogs consider this my rsvp

marney gellner big ass screw you, she just had a baby!

stearns county syndrome, examples see uscho for a plethora

proper way to wear a toga get advice from the godfather

deer fhg yeah, probably not going to happen once he gets into the yukon.

maroon fire helmet needs redecoration!

check me from behind ohhh yeah baby

marney gellner husband yes, she has one, despite speculation to the contrary

minnesota gophers plastic cup 1986 i'm sure you'll find one in mint condition, cardinal.

fatass fhg possible typo?

What the???

depantsing from behind the only way to do it!
jordan dancer at mettlers that hit probably came from brooklyn center.
s i am so amazing, one can get to my site with a mere letter.
dogs eat man, but don't quite finish i hope they have tupperware.
rhino lined bong would probably harsh the buzz
picture of bad hair on ugly man that would be like 95% of the WCHA player photos.
why do dogs hypervenilate well, rob green, it cools them.
journalism useless major word.
how will wolves be in a hundred years mean as f***, evolution isn't that efficient.
snowmobile gauntlet alternate title for my interview with skeeterman
mankato hotties sex for free also probably came from brooklyn center
dying puppies in saint cloud i didn't think their season was that bad.
sexy mitosis technically correct
do dogs know when you look at them ugly? yes, why are you so mean?
deer attacks dog in hermantown preferrably a dachsund
bleeding from ears get off the internet and CALL 911!
what would worf do probably live in his mom's basement and get a job as a computer programmer. are you happy?
sweatpants for dogs conspicuous consumption
what happened to curly headed guy on alltel commercial? i'm hoping for "he died a painful death." or "prison bitch."
cougar bars in minnesota i would buy that in pamphlet form!
what means if boy holds your hair you've probably had too much tequila.
i has blog i shove i does!
bootcamp haircut bleeding maybe you shouldn't have mouthed off to the DI, private joker.
mile high club penalties possibly checking from behind, or spearing.
bed and breakfasts that except tdogs i would assume all. at least i would hope, for my honeymoon with Evan S.
photo of jason giambi drinking jack daniels from a bottle glad it's not "photos of RWD" doing the same thing

Summer Nights

Okay, I know, I haven't written in a long time. 72 days, if you want a little precision. Which, let's face it, you don't, because it's not like you were wondering "Dang, when is she going to post again?"

Well, maybe one or two people were wondering. And they're not going to like this post anyway. So ha ha.

Things have occurred, like tUMD has a new coach, and Drew Olson was taken in the draft, and Carroll, Greer and Meyers were selected as the three captains of the 2009 NCAA Men's Ice Hockey Champions. You heard it here first. I also went to a game of the MN 4 on 4 Hockey League with MEg and was burned again (you may recall my first encounter with this sham of a league) by a lack of consistency between the online roster and the players present. We were, of course, looking for Casey Borer, MEg's ex-fiance. He's a member of the All-St. Cloud All-Night Competitive Eating team, but yet the only guy there we even remotely recognized was Brent Borgen, and who cares about him? There was another team playing, and they did have another notable player in Derrick LaPoint, but I don't really care about UND players other than Chris Porter. MEg had even brought a sign and we were going to reminisce with Casey about the old days. If the games weren't free to attend I'd definitely be contacting the BBB about this bait and switch operation. I'm never going back there again, even if they are trying to tempt me by setting up the Primerica team with FOUR current Bulldogs, a Bulldog alumnus, AND Ryan Carter. I'm sure they'll end up substituting in the Pee-Wee C Team from Brooklyn Center, and I'll have to wear a bullet-proof vest and pack heat.

What's INTERESTING and FABULOUS is this amazing new television show on Comcast Channel 120, otherwise known as SOAPNET. Just like General Hospital is an insight into what it's really like to work in a hospital, or The Young and the Restless is a snapshot of the lifestyle of a cosmetics executive, or Days of Our Lives showing us the day to day existence of the demonically possessed, MVP: He Shoots, She Scores is a gripping, true-to-life (I can only assume) serial drama about the lives and loves of professional hockey players. I think it's good for all of us to watch it so we can understand what happens to our superstars after they leave the college ranks and go pro. I'm wondering who from the WCHA was voted Most Likely to Stand Trial for Sexual Assault After Being Caught Videotaping His Sexual Encounter With a Girl He Had Previously Had a 3-way With While Being Haunted by the Ghost of the Wife and Daughter He Killed in a Car Wreck When He Was Driving High on Cocaine? Maybe Bickel? Or perhaps Brock Trotter? And which player is going to leave his weird trailer-park crimped-hair girlfriend and her senile grandmother back in Canada to pose in his underwear for some photo shoot and do ballet with the possibly underage daughter of the team's now-dead captain in her home which he bought and moved into while her mother works at a convenience store and sells weird apple juice smoothie drinks with her dead husband's hockey card on them? The smart money is on Wheeler there. And either Gabe Guentzel or Tony Lucia could end up as the sex maniac attempting to reform himself so he can sleep with a virgin preschool teacher while testifying that he was the guest star in the aforementioned 3-way and trying to fill the skates of the dead captain while preventing his dad/head coach from falling off the wagon (hint: it's too late!) and preventing the slutty reporter from finding out AND from getting into bed with him.

After that scintillating plot recap, I expect you all to be watching. Thursday nights at 10 p.m. central time.

Houghton, Day Three: Revenge of the Sith

Since I'm still convalescing at home (yes, I'm really that sick and miserable!), I'm going to round up the weekend before my fever boils my brain. Exciting!

Sunday morning was a lot better than you think. After I was able to pry myself out of bed, I went downstairs to survey the damage, and found it minimal. Even though the "no shoes" rule was broken by the team when they arrived (though some of them kindly did obey the "no pants" rule), the floor was fortunately free of puddles of vomit. There was an unholy stench coming from the laundry room, but we got to the bottom of that pretty quickly (well, all of us except Angela).

MEg, the VP, Covert Brian and I attempted a repeat breakfast at Suomi, but it was already closed. Then we walked down to tAmbassador to have some pizza, and it wasn't open yet. MEg said this was revenge for Grandma's being closed, which is hardly my fault, though I did laugh really hard at her misfortune. We finally ended up at a Chinese restaurant, which had tasty food but rather odd service. The young man who was helping us must have been in training, because the couple who I assume owned the restaurant felt the need to correct every single move he made, from pouring the water to trying to steal my sweet and sour soup before I was done with it, to making sure we all got lemons in our water, including the VP, who had previously removed his lemon and dropped it in MEg's water. I guess lemons are just too metrosexual for the VP.

Sadly, I had to hit the road and return to the real world, where I am not a full-time college student and I don't live in an absolutely gorgeous town in Almost Canada, MI. A world where I had a long, lonely drive ahead of me. I rolled with the windows down for most of the drive, excepting a stretch of Wisconsin that got foggy and cold. Toward the end of the drive, I started to get pretty freaking tired, but I made it.

And now you know the rest of the story.

Houghton, Day Two: The Temple of Doom

Okay, okay, okay. You've begged and begged, and finally I'm going to relent. I'll get on with it and post what happened the second day of my trip to the U.P., before it fades into a blur and I can't remember what really happened and what I dreamed happened.

I meant to post this little ditty on Sunday, since I posted my Friday article on Saturday, but as you may have guessed from my clever foreshadowing from the last post, I woke up on Saturday SICK. I don't mean like a little sniffle or anything, I mean full-on SICK. I'm dead tired, I can barely breathe, and I have a cough that sounds like a foghorn. Woo freaking hoo.

But, I figured, I'm here for the weekend, there's a big party tonight, and I can choose to be lame or I can just grit my teeth and pretend I'm not sick. Well, I did sort of a combination of the two. MEg, the VP and I went to breakfast at Suomi, which means Finland for those of you who are braindead hicks. It is a very tasty diner with superb breakfast food. I ate a lot: a giant pancake (mostly without syrup, which blew MEg's mind), two eggs, some toast, and bacon. Glorious, glorious bacon. MEg had a giant pancake with molto syrup and more glorious, glorious bacon. The VP ate, like, two biscuits with gravy. He was finished eating before I had even finished buttering my pancake, which was seriously the size of a small country. Maybe Liechtenstein. I suppose this is why he is a string bean and I am not.

I got to go to the John MacInnes Student Ice Arena (JMSIA) and got the grand tour. When I say grand tour, I mean we just walked in. There were some Boy Scouts there doing something, too. There wasn't any ice on the rink because they were setting up for graduation, so it wasn't quite the same, but it was still cool to see it in person. We went down to tour the facilities: I got to see the coaches' offices (no JR... SO depressing! Didn't he get the memo?), the weight room (okay, we peeked down the hall at it, as there were people in there), and the den of iniquity skating treadmill. That thing is... interesting. Lots of harnesses and such. Rrar. I bought a MTU Hockey sweatshirt. It was the only freaking small sweatshirt in the whole place. I don't know why they think only XXXXL people like hockey. S people are people, too!

After that, we had to run party errands. Or alleged party errands, like buying lightbulbs for people under the guise of needing them for the laser light show. We went to weird stores, like "Shopko" and "Econofoods." I wonder if they have a "Pamida" up there, too. They had one of those in Cloquet. Well, for all I know, they could still have one. I bought some medication and we picked up some soda and ice. I got excited at my very first player sighting. Silly me, little did I know... The VP had the brilliant idea to just chuck the soda in the back of MEg's car. That ended badly. MEg and I got sprayed with Coke.

The party officially started at 6, but we were ready long before that. Covert Brian had set up a great sound and light show, setting up the lights so they changed with the rhythm of the music. The Bruins-Canadiens game was on, and then... well, things started to deteriorate fast. And by deteriorate, I mean become very fun and crazy. Angela screamed at the top of her lungs that the Wild were a bunch of... something I won't type here. But it was so funny MEg fell onto the floor laughing. Obviously, I don't want to hear that about my Wild, but I smiled a little from my lofty perch on the upper deck couch. Then people started playing a card game that had one rule: the person who draws the highest card gets hit by everyone else. If MEg ever asks you to play cards, Just Say No.

I was pretty much down for the count at this point, which is really sad because all I was doing was sitting there drinking Mountain Dew, which shows just how desperate I was to stay awake and alert for this party. I hadn't even had any booze at all, which is a tragedy. I did have a few test sips of the rum punch, which we deemed extremely dangerous, as it 1. had tons of booze in it 2. said booze was cheap, plastic bottle booze and 3. did not taste like it had any booze in it. Unsafe at any speed. I ended up lying down upstairs, but I didn't mind because plenty of people came to keep me company. Some people I didn't even know came upstairs to chat with me, watch TV, or climb into bed and snuggle. I went back downstairs for a little bit to watch some of the (horrific) Wild game and sing along to Don't Stop Believin', but then I ended up right back upstairs, until...

Steve comes flying into the room and shouts that the hockey team just pulled up in a bus. An actual bus. I came about halfway down the staircase and there were people just pouring in the door. It wasn't the whole team, but it was about 2/3 of them, plus girlfriends/friends. They were all dressed very strangely, although many of them were Canadian, so perhaps people just wear Spandex pants, nipple-baring tank tops, and cropped Michigan State jerseys in Canada every day. It is strange up there. I guess all the guys hate tUMD, too. I know this because I asked, and they all said they hated Duluth, except for one person who is friends with Grawler and demonstrated this by whipping out his cell phone and showing me he was programmed in there (no, I wasn't psycho enough to write it down! I didn't even see anything except the area code), and one person who said "What's UMD?" I also learned that they don't like the skating treadmill, that they think MTU and UAA have the worst facilities in the league (Hear that? We don't need a new DECC after all), and that some of the guys are very good at dancing... with each other. I chatted with quite a few of them, which is totally opposite of my normal m.o., DUCK AND COVER, but then MEg made me her personal photographer and I had to take photos of her with various guys. If I were to make my All-Hottie Team over again, there'd be a lot more Techies on there. Rrar.

It was a really bad day for the state of Wisconsin. During the punching card game, the one guy from Wisconsin received several severe beatings and many disparaging remarks about the state. During our photo-ops with some of the players, they yelled "F Duluth! And WISCONSIN!" I can only get behind 50% of that sentiment. Additionally, after I went upstairs to lay down again for awhile, I heard a very loud, very long "remix" of Jesus Hates Wisconsin, which involved the lyrics "Futher muckers." It was recorded for posterity and will likely be the next YouTube sensation. I suggested we caption it and have one of those bouncing balls so people can sing along at home. It will unite the country. Except Wisconsin.

Hilarity. Utter hilarity. Even though I was sick, I didn't regret the trip. I'm not posting any photos because I need to protect the guilty. There were no innocents.

Houghton, Day One

An opera in three acts.

You folks will be getting this post an hour earlier than normal because I am in the Eastern time zone now!

Yesterday afternoon I headed out for Houghton, with a quick stopover in Duluth to gloat to FHG and to have lunch at the Lakeview Castle. I had some sort of roast beef and mashed potato sandwich that was $5 and delicious. I ate it all because I am a giant pig.

The trouble began immediately after I crossed the Richard I. Bong memorial bridge into Sup-town. I know people make fun of Superior all the time, but I figured that was just the usually Wisconsin mockery. NO. It is depressing to look at. So I decided to send Bruce a text message with this discovery. (If it makes you sleep better at night, you can pretend that I pulled over to type it.) I also sent my dad a text message asking if he saw the irony in a Mother's Day Buffet at Glensheen Mansion. Anyone?

I have no idea what the responses to those texts would be, because shortly after I got outside of the Superior city limits (I think, who can tell?) I suddenly had no service. As far as cell phones go, that brings you up to speed. Stupid northern Wisconsin and UP Michigan, not having Sprint service. Garbage. However, not a big deal. So I can't take any calls this weekend. No one calls me anyway, and I don't really need to call anyone.

Remember that last sentence for later. You won't have to remember that long.

Okay, so another reason Wisconsin sucks, aside from aesthetic and technological reasons, is no one told me the 2 in Highway 2 means TWO FREAKING LANES. My car was very upset, as it was all excited to be unleashed across the wilderness of the northern Midwest. Instead, I was stuck behind some EXTREMELY SLOW DRIVERS. I mean, wow. I'd rather drive in freaking Florida. Every time I hit a passing lane, I'd blow by whoever I was tailing, only to catch up with yet another slowpoke just as the passing lane ended. ANNOYING. Once the traffic thinned out, I was able to make use of the passing zones, but it was pretty terrifying to drive on the wrong side of the road when an oncoming car could obliterate me at any moment if I didn't get past the slowpokes. The other annoying thing was driving through a stupid tiny town that made me slow down to drive through them. ESPECIALLY the dumb town that made me slow down to freaking 25. It felt like I was not even moving. I will never patronize that town ever. I will go down the road to the town that sets its limit at a civilized 45.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I passed out of Wisconsin into Michigan. Though the roads were still teeny two-lanes, no one was driving on them, so I was able to roll through the hills and valleys unrestrained. For awhile. Then the stupid deer came out. I don't understand them. Why wouldn't you wait until I've driven by before crossing the road? It makes so much sense! But yet, no. Stupid deer flirting with danger. I did see one dead one on the side of the road. Some sort of scavenging bird was eating it, and it did not have a head. Some moron probably has it mounted on his wall. Way to go, cool guy.

I finally rolled into Houghton at... well, I'm not sure what time. Because my MapQuest directions failed me at the very end, and I ended up on the horribly named "Yooper Loop" in "Hancock" rather than Houghton. I didn't immediately realize there was a problem, as there is a street in this "Hancock" that has the same name as the street MEg lives in in Houghton. So I must have crossed this insidious Loop about ten times before I realized I had no idea where I was, stopped at a gas station, and used a PAY PHONE because of course my cell phone wasn't functional. MEg refused to come get me until the Wings game ended, but then they ended up calling a time out and I whined enough that she came to pick me up.

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. We watched the end of the Ducks-Stars game and ate some pizza. The last thing I thought before I went to bed was, I hope I get a good night's sleep and this cough doesn't get worse. We'll see if that comes into play in Episode II.

Let's Talk About DECCs, Baby!

Let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that will be...

Er... yeah. I had a flashback there. Anyway, I'm SO EXCITED!! I can't believe we are going to have an amazing new arena in just a few years!!! Of course, by that time, I plan on living in Duluth and becoming a season ticket holder. Then my "encouragement" can be heard at ALL HOME GAMES. We will win many games. I know how to motivate people; I learned from some of the best gunnery sergeants in the Marine Corps.

I found a nice little clip from the news up in Duluth about the new DECC, with some reactions and comments from Sandy, Chad Huttel, and Justin Fontaine. Chad Huttel reminisces about the current rink's history, and luminaries that graced the ice like Derek Plante and Brett Hull. I call b.s. on that, since Chad Huttel was, like, -4 years old when Brett Hull came to tUMD. Justin Fontaine says what we're all thinking: we're going to get better recruits now, and players like him will have to go to Bermidji. (Just kidding Justin! I heart you!) Not that our current crop of recruits is anything to turn your nose up at. Justin also pronounces "hockey" so cute, with his Canadian twang. The clip also made me want to buy a car from Sonju Superstore in Two Harbors. Maybe one with a transmission that doesn't make me nervous. Then I can safely go visit MEg this weekend.

This is HUGE for the city of Duluth and for tDogs. First of all, this will create non-waitressing jobs for people in Duluth, which is great for the city's economy. Second of all, the venue will be able to host a lot more great events, so they'll be able to pack a lot more people into Star Trek conventions or Gordon Lightfoot concerts. Word on the street is that Gordon Lightfoot kind of sucks in concert, but my source on that is pretty old. As for relevance to this site, it means more people will come to the games. Terrence Mann told me so. Maybe they won't be lifelong fans, but hey, it's revenue. I just hope ticket prices won't be prohibitively expensive. I mean, when you make as much money as I do, you don't write checks, straight cash, homey, but that doesn't mean that I want to get gouged like a root canal patient at Dr. Parkinson's Dental Clinic of Death.

I would like to thank all the folks who worked so hard on the Arena YES! push, as well as those who lobbied to get this passed through the legislature, and for the state legislators and the Governor for listening to the people of Duluth and FINALLY making this mofo a reality. Word to your mothers.

The All-WCHA Hottie Teams

Coach: Jamie Russell***, MTU
Blogger: Dirty of Dirty's Diatribe!

1st team:
F Ryan Peckskamp*, SCSU
F Merit Waldrop*, UAA
F T.J. Oshie**, UND
D R.J. Linder**, MSUM
D Geoff Kinrade, MTU
G Robby Nolan**, MTU

2nd team:
F Matt Hartman, SCSU
F Chris VandeVelde*, UND
F Rob Bordson, UMD
D Kane Lafranchise, UAA
D Jason Garrison, UMD
G Richard Bachman, CC

3rd Team:
F Mike Testwuide, CC
F Scott Thauwald, CC
F Michael Gergen, UMD
D J.P. Testwuide, DU
D Davis Drewiske, UW
G Michael-Lee Teslak, MTU

Freshman Team:
F Rob Bordson, UMD
F Jordan Baker, MTU
F Brian Gifford, DU
D Ben Youds, MSUM
D Kane Lafranchise, UAA
G Richard Bachman, CC

*denotes two-time honoree
** denotes three-time honoree
*** denotes four-time honoree

2007 Honorees
2006 Honorees
2005 Honorees

********************************EDIT***********************************
FINALLY, all of the RWD contributors have made their own hottie lists. A certain short girl from Michigan was holding up the show. LGM is applauded for her timely contribution: she was the only one who submitted her counter-list before the deadline. This is the second year I have invited a few of my fellow bloggers/hockey fans to make their own counter-lists. Hottness is very subjective, so I thought I'd give others an opportunity to show who they think is hott.

MEg's picks
F T.J. Oshie, UND
F Tyler Bozak, DU
F Tom May, DU
D Geoff Kinrade, MTU
D Stu Bickel, UMTC
G Robby Nolan, MTU

WinTwins's picks
F Mike Testwuide, CC
F Ryan Peckskamp, SCSU
F Michael Gergen, UMD
D RJ Linder, MSUM
D Jake Gannon, CC
G Jase Weslosky, SCSU

Let's Go Mavs's picks
F Ben Gordon, UMTC
F Joel Hanson, MSUM
F Ryan Peckskamp, SCSU
D RJ Linder, MSUM
D Garrett Raboin, SCSU
G Richard Bachman, CC

Don't Forget!

While you're waiting for the All-Hottie Team to come out, get your hot buns over to LetsGoDU and vote for the All-Bad Boyz Team.

EDIT: Speaking of badass, I know this is old, but here's Isaac Reichmuth's fight. Isaac, Isaac!

Better Late Than Never

Or maybe not... Maybe you didn't even notice I was gone.

Anyway, hockey is over, at least for me. I don't really care about the Frozen Four, and I hardly even cared about the regionals. Unless tDogs are in the NCAA hunt, the Final Five is pretty much the end of the season.

And oh, the Final Five. It never fails to disappoint. I mean, tDogs weren't there, which was disappointing, but you can't fault the Final Five for that.

My memory is a little bit hazy, not because I had excessive amounts of booze (I didn't! I swear!), but because it was a long, long time ago. I've had a lot going on. A lot of laziness, I mean. And now I'm watching baseball and Boof just pissed me off by giving up a homerun. We need some runs, yo. I didn't even think of an April Fool's Day joke. Bruce thought he would be funny and texted me that Al had signed with SJS, but I was not fooled, because I didn't get the text until AFTER he had sent the "April Fool's!" one. So the joke was an utter failure. He did alert me to Davidson's resignation and I think he might have told me about Garrison although I also may have learned that from Rink and Bitch Run (no offense, Kevin, but all your commenters hate the Bulldogs... and me, apparently), I don't remember.

Actually, I lied. This year's Final Five was a MAJOR disappointment in one specific way: my lack of face time on the jumbotron. I mean, seriously. My girlfriend (The Hottest Girl in Alary's) and I were dancing during Dancemania and NEVER ONCE did they put us on... only major uggos and kids. GARBAGE! And then during breaks in play, I would look up at the jumbotron and see... oh, I don't know... LGM, WinTwins, DA, UMDDogz, MafiaMan, Dagies, Sioux-cia, FireHelmetGuy, Scotty, Julia... NOT ME. I was on once, when I was sitting in DA's seat, and I blew everyone kisses. I don't know what the deal was. I crave attention, and I was left unsatisfied.

I saw the same old faces and met some new ones, including:

Goon

Sioux7

Leah (Sioux Yeah Yeah)

PioAvsFan from Hockey In Colorado

Rabib and Mrs. Rabib

Not Donald, but a Faux-Donald who looked like him, wore a Seawolves hat, and danced during Dancemania. I knew it was an impostor because he was not wearing shorts and sandals, and he did not have a pitchfork.

Channing Boe (secretly)

Faux-Taylor Chorney

the new baby of FHG's favorite Sioux fan couple!

Conspicuously not around:

Catie from Hockey In Colorado

Badger Backer

Redwing77

Who's Whining Now?

Chris Dilks

others

Come on, people. I wasn't that hard to find, I posted where I was sitting! It's not like I called you and told you to meet me at the top of my section and then wasn't there when you got there... Not that I would EVER do that.

So, I know that it's totally lame of me, but I'm out of things to say. I KNOW what you are all waiting for: the All-Hottie Team, and it's forthcoming, I promise. But PEOPLE NEED TO MAKE THEIR FREAKING LISTS! The only person who has made their list is LGM. UNACCEPTABLE.

Most exciting news of the Final Five weekend:

tDogs' women's team wins the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!

Here's my wonderful family toasting to the success of our ladies with "the girliest drink" that Rob/The Rookie/GQ Aitkin could think of (since McGov's doesn't sell wine coolers, since this is not 1985):

In The Bleachers

SECTION 116, ROW 20, SEATS 9 & 10. I'll be there all weekend, comrades!

A Tale of Two Teams

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of defence, it was the age of turnovers, it was the epoch of shutouts, it was the epoch of getting shut out, it was the season of expectations, it was the season of disappointments, it was the first half of hope, it was the second half of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to the NCAAs, we were all going direct to the golf course--in short, some of the season's noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative.

Back in October, I don't think I could have predicted how deeply I am feeling the end of the season. Jim Morrison might say "This is the strangest season I've ever known." I came into the season with very low expectations, although every season I hope the team will rise above its circumstances and exceed my expectations. I would say this season is even more strange than the 2004-2005 season, when we were the top-ranked team in the country and then spiralled into a team that was practically run out of North Dakota on a rail in the WCHA playoffs. I try to balance my blooming hopes for the season with some roots planted firmly in the dirt of reality. I knew we probably wouldn't finish very well this season, and I knew it was a matter of riding out this season before we arrived at a team that would go places. No offense to any of the guys on the team this year, but there a few key pieces were missing. It's not your fault, and you played your best, and I am still crazy about ALL OF YOU. This team was supposed to have a healthy Garrison and a powerplay quarterback in Niskanen and a speedster in Mason Raymond, along with another key penalty killer in Logan Gorsalitz. None of that is really important because what happened this season has nothing to do with any of those guys (with the exception of Jason, whose injury was totally unfortunate and abhorrent as it was inflicted upon him by the heinous Badgers).

Quite unexpectedly, we started off the season winning. And when we lost, we bounced back with a win the next night. We were winning the freaking league at one point. According to the pairwise, we were in the NCAA tournament and had control of our destiny up until the final game of the season. What makes this season more disappointing than the last two seasons are the golden opportunities that passed us by. We had a chance to surpass our point total from the previous season in December, and we didn't until February. We had a chance at home ice and we ended up in Denver. We had a chance at the NCAAs and now we have none. We had a chance to beat Denver, a team missing their leading scorer and demoralized by CC the weekend prior, a team we'd already beaten once this year (On my birthday! Thanks guys!) and a team we'd leapfrogged over to get to the Final Five two years ago, and now here we are. With no more hockey for almost seven months.

Along with my disappointment I feel a contradictory twinge of gratitude for this season. A season with hope is infinitely better than a season with no hope, even if the hopes don't come to fruition. There is no way I could feel this low if I hadn't felt elated at points during the season, if until the final buzzer of last night's game I hadn't lived inside the hope we could keep playing for another day, another series, another few weeks. There are so many things about this season that were wonderful and fun and amazing. Alex Stalock set the school record for shutout minutes. We swept St. Cloud. We won at Mariucci. We lost 8-3 in Grand Forks and came back and WON the next night. Every single freshman on the team, and in fact every PLAYER on the team (excepting Ziggy and Reiter, who are excused) scored a point this season. I drove to Duluth and back in the same night to see tDogs come back and beat Mankato in overtime on a goal from a freshman assisted by two other freshmen. Mike Curry found his scoring touch in the last few games of the season, and laid out some bone-jarring hits in the process. Howie announced the first-ever penalty for cross-dressing.

My only regrets this season are the things I can control. I regret the games I missed and the road trips not taken. I care about winning and I care about tournaments and trophies and that all-important first banner, but I care about this team, whoever is on it, first and foremost. They could lose every game (please don't, guys) and I'd still cheer and taunt the opponents and hope for a win and throw stuff around and curse my brains out and get mad at each loss. I'm already counting the days until next year, and licking my chops at the prospect of home ice and the NCAAs.

THE FINAL NUMBERS
My Guy of the Year: MacGregor Sharp, 17 points! (Also the team scoring champion!)
Matt McKnight: 16!
Michael Gergen: 13!
Mike Curry: 7!

Freshman Scoring Champion: Justin Fontaine, 12 points!
Kyle Schmidt: 8!
Cody Danberg: 7!
Rob Bordson: 7!
Evan Oberg: 3!
Chad Huttel: 2!
Mike Montgomery: 1!



I plagiarized and paraphrased my opener from Dickens, FYI. He's dead, so who cares?

Get Up, Stand Up

tUMD 1, Matt McKnight Maimers 4
tUMD 3, Stalock Punchers 2

Saturday night... that is how you get up for the Gophers, boys. All is forgiven for our series at the DECC. Well, I would have liked a win there, preferrably when I was there, but I WAS SO HAPPY THAT WE WON LAST NIGHT!!! I mean, really, my heart was racing the whole time and my legs were shaking. And I was screaming obscenities and raining curses down upon the Gophers at any chance, and I was sitting on the glass so I KNOW THEY HEARD ME.

Bickel is dead in my book. DO NOT HURT MATT MCKNIGHT. Gordon is a punk who got OWNED by Drew Akins. MIKE CURRY SCORED A GOAL while I was wearing his game-worn jersey.

Also, we scored THREE GOALS in one game, and had TWO POWER PLAY GOALS this weekend. W000000000000t. I'm so proud of you guys!!! I couldn't even post last night because I was too jittery and thrilled.

MEg and I are having a slumber party right now, so I have to go. Good night to all! Bring on Denver!!!

The Numbers
My Guys:
MacGregor Sharp: 17
Matt McKnight: 15 (Probably would have gotten a hat trick on Saturday if Bickel hadn't viciously attacked him!)
Michael Gergen: 13! (The goal drought finally ends!!)
Mike Curry: 5! (I'm sure he could hear me screaming from the other end of the rink!)

Freshmen:
Justin Fontaine: 12!
Kyle Schmidt: 8 (Played like a man possessed! Awesome job!)
Cody Danberg: 7!
Rob Bordson: 5!
Evan Oberg: 3
Chad Huttel: 2
Mike Montgomery: 1

On Notice: (Back despite zero demand!)
Points
Evan Oberg
Jay Cascalenda
Matt Greer
Josh Meyers
Jordan Fulton
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Matt McKnight
Kyle Schmidt
Trent Palm
Rob Bordson
Nick Kemp
Andrew Carroll
Travis Gawryletz
Justin Fontaine

My Ears Are Bleeding

Oh god... Lou Nanne... making me yearn for the Wooger.

Accentuating The Positive

tUMD 1, QuickWhistles 2

Always look on the bright side of death,
doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo-doo
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo-doo
Life's a piece of s***,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

It's an interesting season. We've set the school record for shutout minutes... both for and against. There was awhile where I wasn't sure if we were going to score in this game, either, which would put every single player on the Bulldogs On Notice, and it would have been so depressing to have to do that. As it is, My Guy MacGregor Sharp is the ONLY Bulldog NOT On Notice of any kind. I... don't even want to do The Numbers right now. Well, I will update them partially.

My Guys:
MacGregor Sharp: 17! (Ended our collective misery!)
Matt McKnight: 15! (Overcame his difficult circumstances to get us back on the board!)
Michael Gergen: 12 (Would be in the HSWCHA if he was not one of My Guys)
Mike Curry: 4 (ALMOST SCORED! EXCELLENT GAME!)

Freshmen:
Justin Fontaine: 11
Kyle Schmidt: 8!
Cody Danberg: 6
Rob Bordson: 4
Evan Oberg: 3
Chad Huttel: 2
Mike Montgomery: 1

Obviously, Stalock played brilliantly, as did our penalty kill, and Andrew Carroll was a one-man show. I know the effort is there, guys, I know you're trying, you're hitting pipes, the puck won't lay down, it goes to the wrong side, the refs blow the play dead when the puck is in midair, lots of things. I'm still here, still cheering for ya, still believing.

Oh yeah, and I didn't see T.J. Oshie double, triple, quadruple, quintuple OR sextuple teamed this afternoon.

The Streak Continues

"Well, my triple-A contract gets bought out so I can hold some flavor-of-the-month's [hand] in the bus leagues, is that it? Well, [f] this [f-ing] game! I quit, all right? I f-ing quit... [pause] Who do we play tomorrow?"

-Crash Davis, Bull Durham

Minutes tUMD has played without a goal: 181