The Gauntlet: Myopic Edition

This week, RWD interviews the BLIND OLD HAG who writes Let's Go Mavs. I don't know what's wrong with her, and why she can't see the hottness that is Michael Gergen.

RWD: How long have you been a Mavs fan?

LGM: Since 2000 when I graduated from MSUM [which was then known as Mankato State University]. I only went to a handful of games when I was in college (when it was FREE) and became obsessed once I was alumni and had to pay.

RWD: That seems like a smart move. [Glad LGM is not my financial advisor.]

LGM: I think so. I became a solid Maverick fan when I was living in St. Cloud, fresh out of college. I went to some games at the NHC and thought "no way in HELL am I cheering for anyone else!" Plus, I couldn't be a SCSU fan because I have all my teeth [so, sadly, there's no need for a purple and yellow grill!] and no snowmobile clothes [On sale at Fleet Farm!].

RWD: I heard you were a closet SCSU fan.

LGM: No, I used to HATE SCSU. Heather and I used to have to sit with a person between us so we wouldn't kill each other at the games. I'm over that now, thanks to Motz. Now I just hate the Sioux. [See, that's why the nickname is controversial! It looks like LGM is racist, but is in fact just referring to the team! Sioux are people, not nicknames!]

RWD: Why do you like Motz so much?

LGM: Because he's not Craig Dahl! Also, he's a nice guy even though he still wears Guess? Jeans. [Jeez, Brand Whore!] I met him a couple of years back when I was working at a career fair at SCSU. He asked if I was a Husky fan and I said "No way in hell. I'm a Maverick fan all the way!" He laughed and said "Well, thanks for supporting the WCHA!" [Then LGM licked him.] He's a good guy. He's done good things at SCSU [Who cares? Screw them!]. I wish MSUM would have hired him and canned Jutting when word was out he wanted to leave the Gophers.

RWD: Guess? is making a comeback, you know.

LGM: No. It. Is. Not. When I talked with Jutting a couple of summers ago, he admitted he had Guess? jeans too. I said "My god! Don't wear them!" and his wife cracked up at me. I had consumed MANY adult beverages and was actually joking around and being nice to the [badonkadonk]head.

RWD: Why would you want Jutting to be fired? Isn't he a great coach who is competitive with teams of similar means? [According to the AD at MSUM!]

LGM: Why would I want him fired? My god... I don't have the hours to go on and on about that! He is a TOTALLY inept coach. He's in way over his head. He runs crappy plays, treats his players like dirt, and is very unprofessional. I'm waiting for the day that he falls out of the box when he's spazzing and does the floppy croppie on the ice with blood pouring out of his forehead from busting a vein in rage. THAT will be a quality show.

RWD: You didn't get a good enough show when he went after Campion last year?

LGM: Nope. I'm waiting for the full on spaz out with him laid out on the ice. Gross. I just said I wanted to see Jutts laid out. UGG! I'm going to gag now.

RWD: Who would you propose replace him? If he ever goes? [Juttz is the Strom Thurmond of college hockey.]

LGM: Hmm, not sure. I guess I would have to take a good look around D-1 hockey for coaches and see what's out there. I would probably choose an assistant from another WCHA team.

RWD: John Hill comes to mind... [or the Dahlie Lama!]

LGM: [TARNATION] NO. He would not be an option. EVER. That guy is cursed.

RWD: One major complaint about Juttz that is actually related to the HOCKEY game and not his personal grossness is the, um, physicality of his teams. Is that coached?

LGM: I think it partially is. I think he coaches the guys to be hard nosed players, but then I also think the guys get sick of the plays not working and end up being more physical out of frustration. [Maybe they should be better, then.] Plus, I think the team gets more penalties because of Jutting's non-stop bitching at the refs.

RWD: Doesn't he think that maybe "clutch and grab" could be replaced with "skate and score?"

LGM: Jutting doesn't think.

RWD: I see. You have such a wonderful relationship with the coaching staff, and an even better relationship with certain members of the WCHA blogging community. You and Donald are best friends, aren't you?

LGM: Yeah. Friends with benefits. HA! Kidding. Donald. Hmm... I just won't go there. We tolerate each other, for the most part. Also, I'm ok with the other MSUM coaches. Jutting is the only jerk on "my list".

RWD: FYI, "Going there" makes for better content. And opens the site up for a good-natured debate! [Or a bloodbath of EPIC!!!! {tm FHG} proportions! Let's get this party started!]

LGM: So you want me to talk about how psychotic I think Donald is? I could get out my DSM-IV [the manual used to diagnose mental disorders] and give him a solid diagnosis. It's just not normal to go off on people the way he does for no particular reason. Don't be surprised if someday there's a headline in the paper "Crazed UAA blogger chops other blogger into a million pieces and feeds his dog" [That headline writer would probably be fired for being too wordy. I would write something like UAA Blogger Kills Colleague, Feeds Dog Remains]

RWD: I don't know if Donald has a dog, but he may get one just to spite you.

LGM: He would probably eat the other blogger himself then. He would eat it as BBQ sandwiches, like on Fried Green Tomatoes.

RWD: By “other blogger,” do you mean you?

LGM: Could be... if I'm the one to piss him off. Plus, I've heard that Donald wants to eat me. HA! Gross. Naw, he's more likely to eat Goon or Heather before me.

RWD: Unless he likes Rocky Road. [If you read my blog and the comments regularly, you'll understand. If you don't, well, you'll get yours.]

LGM: That's right. He was more interested in how MEg tasted so maybe he'll eat her. With some favre beans. [Some what?]

RWD: You're also popular among UND fans, after last year.

LGM: That's right. Everyone loves me! I just say what's on my mind and don't give a rip if people like me or not... so that tends to make some people mad. Goon is the one who sent the rabid UND fans my way and he talked a bunch of smack about me [Oh, that crazy Goon!] but look: he loves me now! Oh well! Love me or hate me!

RWD: Can't someone just like you? Or be neutral? There are only 2 choices?

LGM: I've got one of those personalities that you're not neutral on. Love or hate.

RWD: So do you tell the MSUM players to love you or hate you when you are out on the "prowl?"

LGM: No, I don't tell them that. They either love me or hate me. Ok... or are maybe scared of me! Clarky, Kilburg, Hot RJ, and Berge? Love me! Hanson? Pretty sure he hates me. Kalinski? Pretty sure the kid is scared of me! Ok, maybe Hot RJ is a little scared of me too. Oh, and I'm pretty sure Wagner hates me too. Oh well, you can't win them all!

RWD: A lot of people are scared of cougars.

LGM: Sometimes I think word is "THAT is Blog Girl. Don't piss her off!" Hey now, I am not a cougar. I'm not even old enough. Plus, these players are just kids! [A cougar’s favorite prey! Barely legal muscular men!] No way would I ever hit on any of them. I just like to chat them up about hockey and their life. I'm an obsessed fan.

RWD: Them being "just kids" doesn't stop some cougars.

LGM: Well, that would be for people who are actual cougars. LGM is NOT a cougar.

RWD: That's a tragedy. What can tUMD players and fans expect from the Mavs this weekend?

LGM: Expect to see at least one short handed goal from my boy Kalinski. You know those long passes UMD likes to make [or, at least, attempt!]? Well, chances are he'll pick off a lot of them. Also expect to see at least 3 goals from Berge. That kid is on fire and he's going to make Stalock look like a pee wee goalie. For the fans, be ready for a rockin' good time at the Alltel Center. Remember, we like to have fun and serve alcohol, so bring your money! Also, be sure to hit up Blue Bricks before or after the game. It's a good place to mingle with Maverick fans. Be nice to us and we'll be nice to you. Oh, and if you go to Buffalo Wild Wings, make sure to get a Dirty Girl Scout shot. No trip to Kato is complete without it! Also, say out of Mettlers. That's just nasty! [DHG would beg to differ.]

RWD: I don't expect to even see 4 goals from the Mavs this weekend, but okay.

LGM: Dream on. [Dreams do come true!] I think the Mavs will have Stalock's number after he sucker punched Harrison last year. Punk. Plus, we'll probably get ANOTHER goal from one of your players! Who will that be now that Nisky is gone?!?

RWD: We used that up last weekend, so sorry. Will Justin Morneau be there? [Stalking antenna up!]

LGM: Not that I know of. He was at last year's game though. [Um, duh, that’s why I asked.] Too bad he didn't bring his hot [badonkadonk] roomie Joe Mauer with! You would think Joe would have come to the game last year, since Justin was there, and since he's friends with Kilburg from high school. Word has it that Justin is engaged now. [Please, that gossip is STALE, woman!]

RWD: So, do you think Juttz smokes up with the Mavs players, or do they do it separately?

LGM: Jutts smokes by himself. Why would anyone want to be around him? Plus, he's too stuck on himself to be around others...especially players. Hell, he won't even ride the team bus. He's an [badonkadonk]. Plus, I don't think any of the players smoke. A few years back you could tell a lot of the players did but they're all gone now. This group, it doesn't appear that they're into smoking.

RWD: “Smoke up” is not referring to cigarettes.

LGM: Sure it is. My Mav boys are PERFECT and would not do illegal substances, do not swear, do not have sex before marriage, and are basically angels. [No, no. Those are the UND players!]

RWD: So who are the hottest of those "angels?"

LGM: Well, Hot RJ of course. He's not just your typical hot guy. He's model hot. Meow! (Ok, now that made me sound like a cougar). Kilburg is also a good looking kid...as is Zach and Tormey. Also, Mouillierat has some sort of sex appeal about him. Oh, and Kurt Davis too. He's short and has wild curly hair but something about him is sexy. I guess there's a reason the ladies call him "Dirty Kurty"! Overall, the Mavs are a good looking team. Their roster pix don't do them justice at all.

RWD: They never do.

LGM: True.

RWD: Where do you predict the Mavs finishing this season?

LGM: Well, I was pretty optimistic preseason and thought 6th. However, they aren't quite clicking so now I'm worried so I'll say 8th. If we finish last I'll shoot myself. [I'll hold the shotgun!]

RWD: The Mavs are sort of in an odd position, it seems like they've hardly played any games.

LGM: Right, and they've been all road games but one, so it's really hard to tell.

RWD: They had a very weird opening month. I mean, who does scrimmages?

LGM: Jutting. It's HIS job to line up the preseason games and of course he let the ball drop. Cripes, I read the other day that Motzko is working on his 2011-2012 non-conference games. Five bucks says Jutting hasn't even though about next year. He's too busy burning up heaters and thinking about himself. Not playing any games before starting WCHA play killed us.

RWD: Maybe Jutting tried, but no one wanted to play him. He was probably trying to pretend he was tDon and refused to travel.

LGM: I don't blame people for not wanting to play with Jutting. You couldn't pay me enough to play with him EVER. I would die first.

RWD: You said "play with Jutting" *shudder*

LGM: I know. I gagged a little when I typed it.

RWD: Is this gross? "I'm only going to donate [to MEg's stupid raffle] if I'm guaranteed Robby's mask. Then I will lick the insides."

LGM: As in Rob Nolan? Ok... he's hot and all but licking the inside of a mask is beyond nasty!

RWD: I'm gross. [I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.] How about a weekend prediction?

LGM: Split. Mavs 4-1 on Friday. Dogs 3-2 on Saturday. Oh, and of course there will be a big fight. The last 2 UMD/MSUM games I've seen had huge fights at the end. Last year in Mankato and then the year before in Duluth. That was the best hockey fight I've ever seen. Ryan McKelvie and some red headed guy from your team really went at it. The linesmen had to LAY on them to control them. Ah, good times.

Good times, indeed. I want a sweep!