30 December 2006

Save The Children

You know, comrades, this whole blog is about helping people. I'm not in this for fame, glory, or money. Obvs. I would have thrown in the towel A LONG FREAKING TIME AGO if that were the case. So I was recently made aware of a situation in which I can use my blogging powers for good, rather than evil. I'm sure it'll be a refreshing change, but enjoy it while it lasts...

Imagine you are a child. Like, this one, perhaps.

Now imagine you grow up, play hockey, and leave your home for a better life in America.

Now imagine your father replaces you with another child.

And then imagine the child looks like this:

And then imagine your father spends all his (Canadian) money on fuzzy dice and turtle wax and "I Brake For Pelicans" bumper stickers and other crap, so you're desperate for money.

And then your dad pimps you out to a baby picture contest for a mere pittance.

Please, comrades, you can help Logan Gorsalitz by voting for him in the Hockey Baby Picture Contest. (Although, evidently you must live in Duluth...)

(Seriously, if you pay to vote [for anyone, really, although I guess I'm officially endorsing Logan], your money will go to St. Mary's Children's Hospice. Just like the teddy bears you threw. Gors gets a gift card if he wins, of course, but WE ARE ALL WINNERS when we help people.)

And then, since the Bulldogs had a REAL victory (to go along with the MORAL victory from the baby picture contest), we have:

Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 20 (non-conference! But we'll take what we can get!)
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 9

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 19!
Mike Curry: 10
Michael Gergen: 9!
Matt McKnight: 3! (BACK IN ACTION, BABY!!!!!!!!)
Jason Garrison: 2

Freshmen Competition:
Akins: 9!
Fulton: 6
Detroit Wheels: 3
Stalock: 3
Gorsalitz: 2 (Hopefully he will get more than 2 votes in the baby contest.)
Palm: 1

Sweet. Now all competitors have points! Game on!

29 December 2006

Schmooze 'n' Booze

'Tis the season to schmooze and booze, and, well, I do enjoy ONE of those activities, and it helps me enjoy the other. So... well... I'm not in any shape to do anything but:

Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 20 (non-conference, but SERIOUSLY)
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 9

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 18
Mike Curry: 10 (double digits!!!!!!!)
Michael Gergen: 8
Jason Garrison: 2
Matt McKnight: 2

Freshmen Competition:
Akins: 8
Fulton: 6
Detroit Wheels: 3
Stalock: 3
Gorsalitz: 2
Palm: 1
C. Ryan: 0

After the holiday schmaltz, we are now returning to our regular, sarcastic commentary.

24 December 2006

Adeste Fidelis

Winter is the season of miracles. A child is born, a son is given, a fat man delivers presents to a millions of children around the world in one night with one sled and eight reindeer that can fly. Someone anonymously donates a million dollars to charity. A last-minute snowfall, a White Christmas with the luster of midday in the small hours of the morning.

Hockey is the sport of miracles. That last minute shot in desperation that ties the game. A goal in quadruple overtime to give your team the national championship. The Miracle on Ice, beating the unbeatable team. A deflection, a perfect pass, the flash of leather at the most impossible of seconds.

Winter is a season of great joy and deep darkness, of divinity and humanity. Hockey can bring us moments where we feel these highs and lows, sometimes in the same game. An amazing comeback smothered in overtime. A five-hole that doesn't close. The clang of the pipe.

No matter your faith, in your savior, your jolly benefactor, or your team, I wish you miracles, great and small. Tonight, tomorrow, in the new year, and always.


20 December 2006

How The Grinch Stole Christmas

(or, at least, how he stole Christmas for Bulldogs fans. How he stole your own Christmas is between you and the padded walls.)

adapted by RWD

Every 'Dog fan in Duluth liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch, who lived on top of the hill, did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his skates were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his jock was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his skates or his togs,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating tDogs,
Staring down from his tower with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.

For he knew every Dogs fan in Duluth below
Was hoping for two wins down in old O-hi-O.
"And they're wrapping new jerseys!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Monday is Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, Monday, he knew... All the Bulldog girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Bulldogs, young and old, would go down to the rink,
And they'd go to the Curling Club and DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
They would start on some beer, made of barley, hops and yeast,
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And then they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Bulldog in Duluth, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the drunks would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Grinch thought of the Beer Song they sing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why for sixty-three years I've put up with it now!

"I MUST stop Christmas from coming!...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed 'til it hurt.
And he made a quick referee whistle and shirt.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!"
"With this whistle and shirt, I'll look just like that [fill in your own rhyme]!"

"All I need is a reindeer..." The Grinch looked around.
But since reindeer are Canadian, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Max. Then he tied to his head
The antlers that hung over the head of his bed.

Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh and he hitched up old Max.
Then the Grinch said, "Giddyap!" And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where tDogs Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Dogs fans were dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the DECC, so no one was there.

"This is stop number one," The old Grinchy ref hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slipped through a window, a rather tight pinch,
But if anyone could do it, it would be the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, and he tripped on a broom,
while feeling his way down to the Bulldog locker room.
Where the Bulldogs' equipment all hung in a row.
"The stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile more like a sneer,
Around the whole room, and he took all the gear!
Jerseys! And shoulder pads! Skate guards and skates!
Knee pads and jockstraps and pucks packed in crates!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, what baloney!
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, onto the Zamboni!

Then he slunk to the Curling Club, took the fans' spirits!
He even took the Windsor, though it pains me to hear it!
He cleaned out the whole bar that horrible night,
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Natty Lite!
With all the booze on the Zamboni there was barely room,
"But!" grinned the Grinch, "I'll still kidnap the Loon!"
And the Grinch grabbed the loon, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small Dog!
It was RunwiththeDogs, who is writing this blog.
The Grinch had been caught by DA's little daughter,
Who'd stumbled out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Derek Shepherd, why,"
"Why are you taking our weird mascot? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake zebra said, inspired
"Why, he told me today, that he's been retired.
"So I'm taking him ice-fishing up North, my dear.
"And I'll find his replacement and I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a shot and he sent he to bed.
And when Runninwiththedogs went to bed with her glass,
He returned to the loon and kicked him in the... knee.

Then the last thing he took was a picture of Huffer.
Whom he vaguely remembered, for one thing or another
probably involving his sister or mother.
And the one jersey left, had someone's name on it
that puzzled the Grinch. Who the heck was Kronick?
Then he did the same thing to all the fans' racks

He stole all their highlight tapes, season tickets and throwbacks

It was quarter past dawn, all the fans still in dreams
All the Dogs, snoring logs, when he packed up his machine,
Packed it up with the memories! The trophies! The fun!
The Hobeys! McNaughtons! The tournaments won!

Then he drove up Skyline, that nasty old phony,
With the intention to dump the Zamboni!
"Pooh-pooh to the Dogs!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no more wins are coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the Dogs in Duluth will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Duluth! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Dogs in Duluth, the tall and the small,
Was singing The Beersong without wins at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without winning! It came without goals!
"It came without kick saves or closed five holes!"

And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from the score.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then? Well, in Duluth now they say
That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the trophies! And the keg for the toast!
And he... HE HIMSELF...! The Grinch drank the most!

Hang in there, Bulldogs fans.

16 December 2006


Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 20
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 9

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 18 (Redemption!)
Mike Curry: 9
Michael Gergen: 8
Jason Garrison: 2
Matt McKnight: 2

Freshmen Competition:
Akins: 8
Fulton: 6
Detroit Wheels: 3
Stalock: 3 (plus some badonkadonk-kicking)
Gorsalitz: 2
Palm: 1
C. Ryan: 0

Fearing the Reaper

Bruce Ciskie: After a series of staggering defeats, the UMD Bulldogs assembled on the rink in the DECC in late 2006 for a session with famed coach Bill Watson. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.

Bill Watson: Alright, guys, I think we're ready to get this penalty kill down. By the way, my name is Bill Watson. Yes, the Bill Watson. And I gotta tell you fellas... you have got what appears to be a dynamite play!

Michael Gergen: Coming from you, Bill, that means a lot.

Drew Akins: Yeah. I mean, you're Bill Watson!

Mike Curry: It's incredible!

Matt McKnight: I can't believe Bill Watson digs our penalty kill!

Bill Watson: Easy, guys... I put my breezers on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my breezers are on, I score 1.94 points per game. All right, here we go. Penalty kill, take one. [The group fans out in front of the net. Mike Curry is down low at the net, Matt McKnight and Michael Gergen cover a side each, and Matt Niskanen bangs on a cowbell.]

Michael Gergen: [distracted by Nisky banging the cowbell] Okay! Wait! Wait! [Everyone skates over] Bill, could you come out here for a minute, please?

Bill Watson: That was gonna be great. Guys, what's the deal?

Michael Gergen: Are you sure that was looking okay?

Bill Watson: I'll be honest... fellas, it was looking great. But... I could've used a little more cowbell. So, let's take it again. And, Nisky?

Matt Niskanen: Yeah?

Bill Watson: Really explore the ice this time. I mean, really explore the ice. I like what I'm seeing. [The group starts the play again, as Nisky bangs more wildly onto the cowbell while dancing crazily.]

Michael Gergen: Okay, wait! Stop! I'm sorry. Bill, could you come back out here, please?

Bill Watson: Fellas, now, we just wasted two good drills! That last one was even better than the first!

Michael Gergen: Well, it's just that I find Nisky's cowbell playing distracting! If I'm the only one, I'll shut up.

Drew Akins: It was pretty rough.

Matt Niskanen: You know, I could pull back a little. If you'd like.

Bill Watson: Not too much, though! Fellas, I'm telling you - you're gonna want that cowbell on the penalty kill!

Matt Niskanen: You know what? It's fine. Let's just do this thing. [The guys set up once more, with Nisky banging the cowbell right next to Michael Gergen's ear until Michael Gergen pushes him, causing Drew Akins to fall over.]

Michael Gergen: [stopping the song again, fighting Nisky] Come on, people!

Bill Watson: That... that doesn't work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!

Mike Curry: [grabs Nisky's jersey] Don't blow this for us, Nisky!

Matt McKnight: Yeah, quit being so selfish, Nisky!

Matt Niskanen: Can I just say one thing?

Bill Watson: Say it, baby. Say it.

Matt Niskanen: I'm standing here, staring at Bill Watson!

Bill Watson: The cock of the walk, baby!

Matt Niskanen: And if Bill Watson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell!

Bill Watson: Say it, baby!

Matt Niskanen: And, Matt, you are right - I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a whole lot of plays that feature the cowbell.

Bill Watson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby!

Matt Niskanen: And I'll be doing myself a disservice, and every member of this team, if I don't perform the hell out of this!

Bill Watson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription is: more cowbell!

Matt Niskanen: Thanks, Bill. But I think, maybe if I just leave... and, maybe I'll come back later, and we can work on the cowbell. [Skates toward the locker room]

Bill Watson: Aw, baby...

Michael Gergen: Nisky, wait! Why don't you lay down that cowbell right now? With us. Together. [The other guys nod.]

Matt Niskanen: Do you mean that, Michael?

Drew Akins: He speaks for all of us.

Matt Niskanen: Thank you.

Bill Watson: Babies, before we're done here, y'all be wearing gold-plated jock straps.

Mike Curry: What does that mean?

Bill Watson: Never question Bill Watson! Roll it!

Michael Gergen: Okay, let’s go. [The play starts up again, with Nisky banging away on the cowbell.]

Bruce Ciskie: UMD’s slump: Oct 28, 2006 – Dec 29, 2006.

Sub-Basement D

I am really, really reluctant to post at all. I just don't want to.

A guy whose name sounds like "Mall Rat" scored the first goal of the night.

I am very, very, very sad for my Guy, Matt Niskanen. Remember the rules, that my Guys are NOT ELIGIBLE for the HSWCHA (Humane Society of the WCHA). That's part of the benefits of being one of the Guys. Another benefit is, I'm nice to them. So I extended this invitation to Nisky on tPenalty Box: "Nisky can come to my house and listen to the game tomorrow. I'll make him dinner and we can eat a whole carton of ice cream and watch The Mighty Ducks and Slap Shot and Miracle and he'll feel better." Sounds like a plan. The boys who were naughty in Alaska had a good time when they came over here during the Yale series.

We have a fake Christmas tree, which I dislike on principle, but it is also cheap and crappy and still got needles all over the place. I THOUGHT THAT WAS PART OF THE REASON YOU GOT A FAKE TREE: NO NEEDLES EVERYWHERE.

My avatar at tPB is now a very tiny picture of Mike Curry. I like it.

We got a goal by crashing the net, and it was not waved off. I love it! RWD hearts garbage goals.

19 penalties in a game is a little excessive. And that's JUST how the Mavs want it.

Blogger needs to stop harrassing me to change to their stupid beta thing. I will do it when I'm good and ready. Leave me alone.

Johnson played fairly well. Only gave up 3 goals, and seriously, how was he supposed to anticipate that 3rd one? What if Johnson stole us some games like Ziggy did last year?

If we do finish the league in Sub-Basement D, where we currently reside, then we could pull off a Holy Cross on the Gophers. Then Bruce Ciskie could make the "Do you believe in miracles?" call like those HC radio kids did.

*Sigh* Let's hope for a split.

Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 20
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 9

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 17 (+1 for Mankato)
Mike Curry: 8
Michael Gergen: 8
Jason Garrison: 2 (not playing! Hurt again!)

Freshmen Competition:
Akins: 8
Fulton: 6
Detroit Wheels: 3 (needs to play again!)
Gorsalitz: 2 (ditto)
Stalock: 2
Palm: 1
C. Ryan: 0 (in the lineup tomorrow?)

14 December 2006

The Gauntlet: Invisible Edition

COMRADES! This is an outrage! Never before has The Gauntlet been thrown down... and then REFUSED!

RWD threw down the gauntlet to Uber-Blogger Chris from WesternCollegeHockey... and WE WERE DENIED!

So, no Gauntlet this week. Lames!

(Next up on the Gauntlet is Bruce Ciskie. BEWARE, BRUCE!)

10 December 2006

The Teddy Bear Affair

(alternately titled Beargate 2006.)

Well, Saturday's game has come and gone, but scandal has only just begun!

This press release, from Tuesday, announces UMD's 4th annual Teddy Bear Toss, a charitable event where fans are encouraged to hurl teddy bears onto the ice. The bears would then be distributed to local hospitals and charities. All in all, a generous endeavor for UMD athletics.

Or so it seemed...

Saturday night, fans were still trickling in, when Mason Raymond decided to get the teddy bear party started, scoring on the power play a mere 1:26 into the game. This prompted the Call Heard Round the World from UMD play-by-play man Bruce Ciskie, "AND HERE COME THE TEDDY BEARS!" A steady torrent of bears rained down on the ice. It's raining bears! Hallelujah! The players frolicked amongst the fuzzy precipitation, playing crack the whip, spinning and jumping through the bears, Mason Raymond showing off the quadruple axel-triple salchow-triple toe loop combination he had been working on in his spare time.

Little did the team know, but there were some evil forces at work. Bear-hating forces. Within moments of the aerial bear assault, WCHA Head of Officials Greg Shepherd was on the phone to his minions at the DECC.

Shepherd: I don't care what you have to do! These bears must be stopped!

So the bears were removed from the ice, and play continued. Referee Randy Schmidt felt it was safe, because the Bulldogs weren't going to score anymore goals. It just wasn't possible.

But six minutes later, plucky freshman Drew Akins, whose porridge had been eaten earlier that day by an unknown party or parties, managed to squeak a goal past bear-loving Bemidji goalie Matt Climie, who just wanted to see more bears go to charity. And so another wave of bears was launched onto the ice.

Schmidt, fearing the wrath of Greg Shepherd, conferred with his assistants, Jerome Krieger and CJ Beaurline. (Yeah right, like we would be fooled by your alternate spelling, CJ.) Schmidt warned the benches and the fans, who were only doing their part to help out needy children, that any further bears on the ice would result in a penalty for UMD.

Now, this is where the details get a little fuzzy. Pardon the pun. Because ten and a half minutes into the first period, notorious pick-a-nick basket stealer Matt Niskanen scored, again on the power play (which Schmidt was forced to give the Dogs, in order to keep a lid on the anti-Bear conspiracy), a bear came flying out of nowhere. Or, seemingly nowhere. An eyewitness (who somewhat resembles a bear himself) claims to have seen a fan from Bemidji, possibly motivated by the DQ Cup and/or Babe the Blue Ox Trophy, both of which were within Bemidji's grasp, throw a bear on the ice. Earwitnesses say they heard from the pressbox that it was a young UMD hoodlum, but you can't trust the press. All we know for sure is, more bears were on the ice, Detroit Wheels was in the penalty box, and Bemidji scored on the ensuing power play, as well as on a power play from a phantom trip from Trent Palm (who would never, EVER trip someone!) later in the period. Those two power plays turned out to be the difference-makers in the game, as the score would have been 5-3 UMD, we wouldn't have gone to overtime, and the 'Dogs would have won.

RWD wonders if UMD alum and Boss of Greg Shepherd Bruce McLeod will be taking any action, now that the anti-Bear conspiracy has been exposed.

09 December 2006

Charity Cases

RWD is a bit under the weather today, so I'm not in the mood to post.

But Bemidji is not a charity case. We do not need to give any wins away. WE are becoming a charity case ourselves. Hey! We scored 5 goals! But they scored 6. At least we didn't lose the 3rd period... instead we lost the 2nd. GENERALLY when you chase your opponent's goalie in the first period, you're supposed to have them on the ropes. Obvs. we struggled on D after losing Growler, but... yeah. Sigh.

Two things that sucked that weren't the Dogs' fault: their power play goals. We took one penalty for one too many tosses of the teddy bears. Not the Dogs' fault AT ALL. Then we took a phantom trip penalty, which was just a bad call. The other penalties, the ones we EARNED, were all killed off. Nice.

How are we going to manage Mankato? Bruce never answered my question. The world may never know. Beat the crap out of them, I say.

Good thing: Mike Curry was on the freaking starting line tonight. And the Player Profile with Jeff McFarland was great.

Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 20 (non conference)
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 9

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 17 (Holy Offense, Batman!)
Mike Curry: 8
Michael Gergen: 8
Jason Garrison: 2
Matt McKnight: 2

Freshmen Competition:
Akins: 7 (leapfrogging over Fulton!)
Fulton: 6
Detroit Wheels: 3
Gorsalitz: 2
Stalock: 2
Palm: 1
C. Ryan: 0

Hang Your Stockings and Say Your Prayers

RWD after learning tonight's score

Listen, guys. Just because I was working doesn't mean I didn't know what was going on up there in Bemidji. DA was texting me the whole time... or rather, 3 times. And the last update I got was 3-2, so I'm assuming after that he got pissed off and didn't want to send me any more messages. But I did call the Alleged Webmaster, and he gave me the final grossness. Seriously, guys. I can't listen to every game. I'm counting on you to behave yourselves when I'm not around. I always find out when you've been naughty, letting third periods slip away, hanging your goalie out to dry, and getting into skirmishes that result in multiple penalties. I'm making a list, and checking it twice. Scoring two goals a game and letting the other team get more than two goals a game does not get you on that list. Scoring seven goals in a game totally rocked. That's the kind of stuff that keeps you out of the Humane Society of the WCHA.

Bottom Line: I know when you've been bad or good, SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS'S SAKE.

...or you'll find a lump of coal in your stocking.

Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 20 (non conference)
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 9

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 14 (with a goal!)
Mike Curry: 8 (w00t!)
Michael Gergen: 8
Jason Garrison: 2
Matt McKnight: 2

Freshmen Competition:
Fulton: 6
Akins: 5
Detroit Wheels: 2
Gorsalitz: 2
Stalock: 2
Palm: 1
C. Ryan: 0

06 December 2006

The Gauntlet: The Lite Version

I don't actually know anyone from Bemidji who blogs or is a fan, other than The Hottest Girl in Alary's, but she has been converted to a 'Dogs fan, so this week's The Gauntlet features yet another notorious USCHO poster, DrunkHockeyGuy. Penalty Box Captain, UMD Fan Extraordinaire, and First Class Drinker. This is not your typical The Gauntlet, because he's not a member of the enemy fanbase, but here's the interview. Also, the interview is short because Mrs. DHG needed the computer, so he had to go.

RWD: You founded the Penalty Box while you were in school, right?

DHG: True. [This makes it seem like he is taking a lie detector test or something, but ok.]

RWD: How did you get it started? what was it like to start out with? Just you and Beersong yelling stuff at games?

DHG: Actually I didn't meet Beersong until my 1st of 2 senior years.

RWD: Really? I wouldn't have guessed.

DHG: The first three years we were just a student section that had foul mouths and only had about 100 students at the games. I was always loud, and after my sophomore year, I decided to clean the language up due to some little kid asking me for my autograph.
[Here's some necessary DHG background for you people.] I started college in the fall of 1999 and graduated the spring of 2004, so I was there 5 years, not the 8 people like to say. [Exaggeration is how legends are born.] So the first 3 years were just me and some guys I knew from [Duluth Central] high school. We hated each other in high school and started going to games together and became best friends. From there I met Sando and his roommates at games my sophomore year. [In case you were unaware, Sando is another Penalty Box original.] Another tidbit to throw in: I had only drank 4 times in my life before I turned 21, and got the nickname Drunkhockeyguy after the 1st game of the year when I was 100% sober. They figured I was drunk because I was so vulgar. So about a month into the hockey season I figured I had better live up to the name.

RWD: It's obviously been expensive for you to be a fan, going on all those road trips. What's the best place to go on a road trip?

DHG: Wow, that is a tough one. I have been everywhere except CC and UAA, so I am pretty well versed. I would say my favorite driving trip would be Mankato, for several reasons. Mankato is where the Penalty Box was officially founded, it is where we met Beersong, and the bar Chevy's we go to and Mettler's (the nudie bar next door) are great. We met the bartenders and they are the owners sons, so they look forward to seeing us every year. On top of all that, they serve booze in the arena, which is 522 steps from the hotel and bar we stay at, and us UMD fans usually own their rink.

RWD: I have been asked to go down to mankato, with the promise of booze at the arena, but I can't make it. What's your favorite single road trip?

DHG: Denver, the year of the Frozen 4 run. 6 of us drove 18 hours out there. We got to the hotel at 2pm Thursday. We pulled in right as the team bus from the airport drove in. They had only flown for 2 hours. Beersong, Heiz, and myself got pretty lit at the bar that night and a certain UMD coach, no names of course, picked up our entire tab. We ended up sweeping Denver. They pulled Berkhoel in the 2nd period of Friday night's game and he broke his stick on the net and skated backwards staring us down the whole way to the bench. He wanted to kick my [badonkadonk] at the bar Saturday night. I guess Berkhoel got the last laugh though, [ILLEGITIMATE CHILD]!

RWD: What was your favorite moment as a fan?

DHG: My claim to fame had to be my freshman or sophmore year, (it is all a blur). We used to be on the redline in section 14. The penalty box was right below us. So Dany Heatly of Wisconsin, now of the the Ottawa Senators was in the box with the 'Dogs up 2-1 with 3 minutes to play. I ran down to taunt him and he UNLOADED an entire water bottle on my face. He then came out of the box and scored the game tying and winning goals in the next 2 minutes. As he scored the game winner he skated by me and waved. I gave him the international signal for hello!

RWD: Dany Heatly isn't all there upstairs. One of my friends had a class with him. She said he used to rock out to music... but wasn't wearing any headphones. Let me ask you about what I'm sure is one of your low points as a fan.. the "over-rated" incident.

DHG: Yes, this was disappointing. I will stand firmly to this day that what was taking place on the ice that night and what we could all see was going to happen the rest of the year was disgusting. The smart thing would have been to just boo, not cheer, or just leave. Instead in a drunken haze someone said in my ear "We are overrated," so I stupidly start chanting it and of course plenty joined in. I do believe as a paying fan I have the right to voice my displeasure, but as the hardcore fan that I am that wasn't the way to voice it.

RWD: I have always been impressed that you called the pregame show to apologize.

DHG: I personally sent an email to the coaching staff and the entire team. One of the players emailed me back telling me they were pissed but would get over it in time.

RWD: so it really had an impact on the team?

DHG: Well, they were kinda pissed but they got over it.

RWD: That was back in the Kerry Rodd days. Now we have Bruce. Whom do you like better?

DHG: To be honest, I was a fan of Kerry Rodd. I think Bruce does a great job, but you have to remember for 6 years when we couldn't see the game live it was Kerry we heard. So I associate Kerry Rodd's voice with UMD hockey. It is like having someone other than Marv Albert calling games for the Knicks or Bulls. Whatever team he does.
[That would be the Knicks, although evidently he doesn't announce for them anymore. I love you, Wikipedia!] Plus, Bruce brings a little too much of USCHO humor to the mic with him. LOVE YOU BRUCE! That and Kerry Rodd was known for giving me a heart attack. You would have thought the 'Dogs scored on every shot they took.

RWD: Oh, believe me, I know. Kerry cracked me up. Also, I liked the radio then because Rik Jordan was always with him, and because they had postgame interviews and "fan in the stands." Another commentator you get along SO well with is Doug Woog. What is the story between you two?

DHG: Well, that dates back to my sophomore year. I ran a lap and he said "There goes Chubby again. He could use a few more of those goal laps." So I saw him in between periods and gave him [heck]. He offered to have me up in the booth for a segment to make me feel better. We were winning 6-1 at the time and I replied "No, I would rather be down here watching us kick your [badonkadonk]." So we have had a fun back and forth thing now on PA and Dubay every year.

RWD: Excellent.

DHG: I suppose I better start answering thse a little quicker, my wife is on my [badonkadonk] right now.

RWD: Oh, sorry.

DHG: Women, can't live with them, pass the beer nuts.
[Uhh, sure...]

RWD: Okay, who are your favorite players? All time and current?

DHG: Ahh, great question. Well my favorite personality is Bill Watson. I think that might have had something to do with his drunk [badonkadonk] in Boston at the INCH party leaving me 10 messages singing the beersong every [darn] time. My favorite players are Drew Otten and Junior Lessard. I loved watching Lessard, and Drew and I met the first day of school. We were assigned seats next to each other in Jazz Studies. Drew and I have become pretty good friends. He was a groomsman in my wedding this summer as I was in his last summer.
[No need to ask the "Is there a Mrs. DHG?" question.]

RWD: Oh, so you were friends outside of hockey.

DHG: Yeah, we actually partied a few times, and then the first hockey game I saw a player named Otten. I had no idea he played hockey.

RWD: What about on the current team?

DHG: I would say my current favorites would be 1A) Mason Raymond for obvious reasons and B) Andrew Carroll. I am a fan of blue collar hockey. I also love when Stalock comes out of the net and people are yelling at him to get back in the net. That is great.

RWD: I heard Mason Raymond has 2 speeds: walk and kill.

DHG: Yeah, I also heard that this is Mason Raymond's world and we are all just living in it. Hail Mason Raymond, king of all that is good.

RWD: So what's this team gotta do to get us some wins this year?

DHG: Start scoring some goals and get confidence. As bad as the D has played, we still aren't giving up a ton of goals. They just need to start putting the puck in the net. Some want to blame the coach. He is somewhat to blame, but it isn't like these guys aren't getting chances. They just are missing when the chances are there.

[About this weekend's road trip:] What's so great about the Keg 'n' Cork?

DHG: I guess it is the only bar we have found in Bemidji.

RWD: zing!

DHG: They have a drink called Combats as well. It has about 8 shots in it and they top if off with beer. It will MESS you up.

RWD: Holy Mother.

DHG: Yep. And the bartender was a racked out boombalatie

RWD: Let's say a fan wanted to buy you a drink. What are you asking for?

DHG: Windsor Diet, light on the diet, I am diabetic... Ok, I am not diabetic, plus diet coke has no sugar, I just want more booze.

RWD: Do you drink differently pregame? Or after a win vs. after a loss? I mean, different drinks, not volume consumed.

DHG: Not really. That is our motto, win or lose we booze. I drink whatever is going that night. Sometimes it is beer, other times it is booze, and usually jag bombs.

RWD: [The Crazy Canuck] said something about the Three Wise Men?

DHG: Gross.

RWD: He said you guys drink them! The liar!

DHG: What a [illegitimate child], he told the bartender to by us a tough shot, so he ordered them. Yes, we drank them, because he bought them, not out of wanting to.

RWD: Ohh. I would pass on the tequila. I guess he's trying to teach us to drink like Canadians. But I guess being a Canadian is motivation to drink more.

Well, there you have it, the DHG interview. That's all for now, folks. Cheer loud on Friday, because I'll be working long after the game ends. Bleccch.


Shown is the actual keg tap members of tPB will be using to "Tap the Rockies" in February. (Scale: 1/4" = 1 mi.)
(Source: www.kegworks.com)

Are you a Bulldogs fan?
Are you a fan of a Bulldogs fan?
Um... I guess... Are you a Denver fan?

Well, folks, prepare for the Random Convergence of Bulldogs Fans 2007! The RCBF07 will be held in Denver, Colorado this year, when the Denver Pioneers host our UMD Bulldogs, 2 and 3 February.

What is the RCBF?
...is not an away game/road trip people have been toying with for months.
...brings together Bulldogs fans who don't really know each other all that well, but happened to decide to go on the same trip, independently of one another.
...is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
...is not a special game, a rivalry, or a bandwagon event.
...does not need to occur during a winning streak or winning season.
...is a prime example of the mysterious ways of the universe.
...can and will rock your face off.

What will occur at the RCBF?
Activities include
...extreme Bulldog hockey.
...Coors Brewery "Short Tours."
...a Tyler Arnason beat down.
...heavy metal skiing at the legendary Mary Jane.
...more boozing than Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman's wedding reception.
...your face. Being rocked off.

Please. You know you want to be there. Bring it.

03 December 2006

All Jacked Up!

A win! A palpable win! A sweet, convincing, awesome, amazing win!

First, let's talk about last night. I was less than pleased, and also had to work early this morning (and somehow ended up at work for 10 hours), so I didn't want to say too much. However, Mike Curry's make-the-opponents-puke garbage goal was totally sweet. And Stalock had some killer saves that kept us in the game. Also, I got to watch the game through the UAA video feed, which was superb.

Now, onto tonight. What rocked about tonight?
*Winning on the road!
*Scoring 7 goals!
*Stalock, Stalock!
*MIKE CURRY'S 3 ASSISTS (including one where he was falling over)!
*SlumpBuster McGregor's shorthanded breakaway!
*50% on the PP!
*Jeff McFarland's goal WAS THE GAME WINNER!
*Andrew Carroll's first goal of the year!
*Michael Gergen's offensive onslaught!
*Winning every period!
*Breaking the game open in the 3rd period!
*My Norm Maciver throwback!
*The UAA video feed!
*The ARGO! and the naughty Santa commercials!

Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 20 (finally!!! updating!!!)
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 9 (finally!!! yes!!! a win!!! not just a tie!!!)

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 12
Michael Gergen: 8
Mike Curry: 7 (3 POINT NIGHT)
Jason Garrison: 2
Matt McKnight: 2

Freshmen Competition:
Fulton: 6
Akins: 5
Detroit Wheels: 2
Gorsalitz: 2
Stalock: 2
Palm: 1
C. Ryan: 0

Prediction: Mike Curry's going to go all Marco Peluso and rock these next 2 years.

02 December 2006

I Don't Feel Like Loving You Today

...but you know I will, anyway.

Oh, Bulldogs. What are you doing? Bulldogs cannot survive on Mike Curry alone.

Let's just go right to The Numbers.

Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 22
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 10

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 10
Michael Gergen: 5
Mike Curry: 4
Jason Garrison: 2 (back in action!!!)
Matt McKnight: 2

Freshmen Competition:
Fulton: 6
Akins: 3
Detroit Wheels: 2
Gorsalitz: 2
Stalock: 2
Palm: 1
C. Ryan: 0