Just Do It

Dear Bulldogs, we have been waiting a long, long time for this. And by we, I mean all of the fans and Bulldog hockey alumni.

Win it for us.

Win it for your coach, Bill Watson. Give him the ring he should have had 27 years ago. And don't take 4 OTs to do it. And good lord, Kenny, stay in the net, because Bulldogs fans cannot handle another fluky DECC hop garbage BS goal and I want to PUKE when I see that Bowling Green banner hanging at the X because THAT SHOULD BE OURS.

Win it for your old captain, Andrew Carroll. The consummate hard worker, who willed himself and his teammates to be better. Win it for him, as vindication for that Miami game.

Win it for Dick Stewart. Win it for his windsock and his dedication to the youth hockey players of Duluth. Win it because you bought your gear from him. Win it because he lost his vision at a Bulldogs game.

Win it for Isaac, for Junior, for Schwabe, Timmay, Hards, Geisler, Unks, for those guys who brought us so close in Boston.

Win it for the students, the ones who make up cheers and signs and drink to the wins and the losses and get the crowd going. Win it for the former runners of the goal lap. Win it for your classmates and your neighbors.

Win it for the DECC. The arena you closed down in style just over four months ago. The arena where Bulldog legends have played. Win it and do something they didn't. Win it and make your mark on both buildings.

Win it for the city of Duluth, the people who voted to give you this beautiful new arena. Win it for AMSoil and hang a banner next October.

Win it for Hoagy. Because there's no one more dedicated, more caring, and more invested in you guys than he is. Win it for all he's given the program for so many years.

Win it for your fans. For those of us who sat through the agony of defeat, through seasons where wins were scarce, through seasons where talent was wasted, through seasons where the highest scorer would finish 8th on the team in points. Win it for those of us who have lost hope and then found it again and again. Win it for those of us who spend hundreds or thousands of dollars to see you play. Win it for those of us who have driven hundreds or thousands of miles to see you play. Win it for people following you all around the world. Win it for the folks who have made total fools of themselves in public, in print, in pictures, and on television. Win it for the fans who are starving for a championship, who have been waiting half a century to see this happen. Win it in the state you play in, the home state for many of you, the adopted home state for others. Win it in front of a crowd that will overwhelmingly support you.

Win it for us. Win it for each other. Win it for yourself. Go get 'em, Dogs.

The Second Coming of #4

This is sort of cheating, because Vizoroo told me I should do it, but 40 days, people. 40 posts. I don't even do that during the REGULAR season. Don't get used to it.

Western College Hockey listed Dylan Olsen as the #1 incoming player in the West. Which means overall, in case you were unaware.

This is, of course, meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but it is really exciting to have a high-profile player coming to the team. (No pressure or anything though, honey! Just play your best! I know you can do it!) If only Obi had stayed another year. The defence is going to be... interesting this year.

The best part about this article is the comments. I love comments! One of my favorite things in the world is to read the comments on FoxSports. In an article about that soccer guy who choked on a piece of gum, people discussed 1. the Oakland Raiders' violent fans, 2. Dungeons and Dragons, and 3. racism. And there was an insult to the Red Sox. You can not read an article about ANY type of sports without a Yankees or Red Sox mention. It is not possible.

Anyway, college hockey comments are not quite as amazing, but this article has a gem. Of course, the first comment is genius. But the second is some idiot who is all NICK LEDDY!!!!11!!11!!!1 He was drafted higher! By the Wild!!! Who make great choices in the first round! Zach Budish is better 2 bcuz Edina is the best, yo! Go GOPHERZZZZZZ!! Spin your head!!!!

Ok, I'm paraphrasing. Ciskie, Goon, Rabib (really?), another Gopher fan, and someone named 20Forever who I can only assume is a big Andrew Carroll fan all essentially shoot this guy down, but it was pretty hilarious.

(Once Nick Leddy comes to the Wild, I'll love him, I'm sure. The sooner the better! But really, he needs to eat some sandwiches before he'll become effective.)

Also, I think we've finally solidified that Alex Stalock >>>>>>> Jase Weslosky. If WCHA goaltending champion, first team All-American, and Final Five MVP didn't convince you, then maybe staying academically eligible might.

Edit: I was checking for more weird search engine hits and found "dylan olsen not happy at umd." Medicine Hat Tiger fan Dude, at least wait for the season to start.

Part Two:

UMD Hockey: The Empire Strikes Back

Aka installment #2 in the UMD Hockey Facebook page's highlight reels.

I know there's something... something I'm supposed to be talking about... because everyone is... but I can't think of it, so let's just discuss what I love about this video.

1. Meyers clearing the puck from the crease as Stalock is nowhere near it after the initial save.

2. Bone-crushing hits in the MSUM game. Sadly, impossible to tell who is dishing them out.

3. Andrew Carroll's game-tying goal against MSUM. I was clutching InebriatedMike and screaming.

4. Jacky goals!!!! Always a pretty sight.

5. M-CON PWNED DU!

6. Danberg's goal where he was at the bottom of a pile shoving at the puck, and the refs when he FINALLY signals goal!

7. Vizoroo: check out Sharpy when he banks one off the crossbar at 3:47. :)

8. Cheverie lolling his head back at his utter futility.

9. Sharpy scoring a goal and then dumping a Gopher to the ice.

10. Sam Lofquist once again acknowledging he sucks after a UMD goal.

11. The Gophers' gift to Sharpy... nice clearing pass to Sharpy, uncovered, with 4 Gophers lazily skating the other way.

BIG THUMBS DOWN:

I know this was maybe not Stalock's finest hour, but I wanted to see footage of the play where Goro missed the net!!!

The grand finale had BETTER have some togas in it.

Hmmm... my boss just came by and said "19-0." What does that mean???? :D

OMFG

Seriously, people. And by people, I am looking at you, Mr. Program Director Skramstad and Mr. Sports Director Fleischer (don't MAKE me untag you in that photo of mine in which you randomly tagged yourself!!!!!!!)

Just get your you-know-what together and hire Ciskie. It's not hard. Andrew Carroll wants you to do it. And you must do what he wants.

Oh, in other news, UMD hockey and football have a new radio home: AM 1490 The Fan.

The Way We Were

Yes, I know. It has been an unacceptably long time since I last posted, and unlike other season's finales, there's been a ridiculous amount of GOOD content about which to write. If you cared, I am sorry, but the end of the season gave me a lot to sift through and it deserved my full attention. Even now, though this post is more like a novel, I feel like I haven't done it justice, but it's a try.

I don't know of any Bulldog fan who on some level was not ready to pack it in after the UAA series. I mean, some were entirely ready to do so or had already, while some remained cautiously optimistic. I had a post kind of already plotted out in case something terrible happened, which I sort of remember now, weeks and eons later. It certainly felt as though we were headed for another futile, Fitzgerald-esque off-season. You know, "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." Another mediocre finish.

Instead, we got one of the wildest finishes to a season that could possibly be imagined in the drug-addled hallucinations of a schizophrenic.

It started in CC. I was actually rather pleased that we had drawn CC rather than any of the myriad other teams we could have played. Yes, we'd only played them once, but we'd played them at home and had totally rocked it. In fact, it was the only team we had fared well against away from home.

tUMD scored 7 goals in those two games and never trailed. It was incredible. They played in a commanding fashion and despite CC's best attempts to kill our players, the Bulldogs swept them into the off-season. Travis Oleksuk burst onto the college hockey scene, and Alex Stalock made an impossible-looking save, as he is wont to do.

God, was that ever a long time ago. Almost a month ago, to be exact. I was incredibly depressed that I couldn't go to the games in CC as I had to work.

The days before the Final Five seemed tortuously slow. On top of that, the crazy PWR-heads had crunched some rather terrifying numbers: there were multiple scenarios in which the Bulldogs would still miss the NCAA tournament. Funny how we'd gone from lookin' good to almost surely out to possibly back in it within a few weeks. Pretty indicative of the season as a whole.

The play-in game was probably the most terrifying game I'd attended, simply because I was almost entirely surrounded by Gopher fans. It ended up not being that bad though, as all the UND fans were cheering against the Gophers, which meant they were cheering for tUMD. I also saw a group of St. Cloud fans in their jerseys with print-outs of tUMD's logo pinned to the fronts. Dirty and MEg both donned UMD gear as well. I have never seen them look more attractive.

I don't believe in fate or destiny, but when I look back on that weekend, I have never seen anything go so right in my entire life. Certainly not for a team that I follow.

It started off well. Gopher goalie Alex Kangas had was fighting off the flu (whether it was influenza or the oft-mislabeled gastroenteritis, I don't know nor do I want to) and it was unclear if he would even play, but he's a gamer and so he was out there. Barely three minutes into the game, Kangas misplayed a rebound and MacGregor Sharp scored the first goal of the game. The UMD fans in attendance, as well as the Gopher haters, made the Xcel sound fairly loud. Five minutes later, UMD found themselves two men short for slightly over a minute, and I really started to stress. Penalty killing had not been a strength over the season, and though they had been must better in CC, they had given up a 6x4 goal and a 6x5 goal. tDogs managed to kill it off, and went into the locker room at intermission with a lead. The Gophers came out in the second with Patterson in net and Kangas on the bench, apparently too sick to continue. The second period saw the always hard-working Matt Greer put the Dogs up another goal, but despite the best efforts of my dear friend and our DanceMania antics, I could NOT calm down. In the third, the Gophers scored early on a weird deflection type goal, which would be the only goal to beat Stalock that weekend. Then I REALLY stressed. The clock could not POSSIBLY go any slower. Once time started running out, I kept one eye on the play and one eye on Patterson. tUMD managed to control play enough that the Gophers couldn't pull him until there were 38 seconds left, and still the Gophers nearly had a great scoring chance, if not for the brilliant hooking penalty Andrew Carroll took, which could not be assessed before time ran out.

The first task completed, tDogs now faced possibly a more daunting prospect: they absolutely needed to win one of the next two games in order to guarantee entry into the NCAAs, and they had to face a team on a roll: UND. Allegiances changed: UND fans were (of course) cheering against tUMD, while only the bitterest of Gopher fans stayed off the UMD bandwagon. I really stressed, again. This was overall a very stressful weekend for me!!! In addition to the games, I had three exams, and I actually skipped the Friday afternoon game to study. Or to attempt to study, as I was terribly distracted.

Stalock recently edged out UND goaltender Brad Eidsness for the WCHA goaltending title by an incredibly slim margin, so many touted it as a battle to see who really could claim the title. Eidsness decided he wanted to show he could beat Stalock at his own game, and while Fonzie was in the box serving a too many men on the ice penalty, Brad went behind the net to play the puck and made a blind pass to MacGregor Sharp, who quickly tucked the puck into the net before Eidsness could finish crapping himself. Mike Montgomery added another hard-working goal in the first period, and the Dogs had a nice lead at the end of the first. Of course, I was still stressed out, but you know me. In the second period, Brady Lamb was handed a major penalty for kneeing Matt Watkins. I went home and watched the game again on my DVR, and I will tell you folks, it was not a kneeing penalty. Watkins came off the bench and skated right into Brady Lamb, who is clearly going after the puck. He makes an odd leg motion, but if you look closely, he's trying to accelerate, not trying to take out Watkins, who as I already said, skated right into him. Watkins was injured, which was unfortunate, but not every injury in hockey is a penalty. UMD killed the major penalty in a textbook manner, and the only subsequent goal was an empty netter from Mike Connolly, who popped his jersey and made a bunch of people get their undies in a bunch. I have no problem with the jersey pop, as long as they're popping the front and not the back. I was so excited after the game I looked up at DHG in the club level and screamed "WE'RE GONNA DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Saturday came. The day of reckoning. tUMD was essentially playing with the house's money at this point. I was taking a ridiculously hard test and then another test that was not as hard and then I made it over to see the rest of the UW/DU game. And of course, despite everyone's logical arguments and soothing platitudes, I was stressed out. I was probably not helping myself because between periods at each game, the only other person in the building more stressed out than I came over and we probably ended up stressing ourselves out MORE. Although it is nice to have someone who understands me!

No play-in game winner had ever won the Final Five. No team had ever beaten Denver in the Final Five. tUMD had never won the Broadmoor trophy in the current fashion. A pessimist could say the odds were stacked against them, while an optimist would say it was a perfect storm of opportunity. We had die-hard Gopher fans wearing tUMD jerseys. Everyone who mattered was cheering for the Bulldogs, excluding the DU fans, who had an excuse.

I can't even recap the game because it was just so incredible. UMD was... dominant. MacGregor Sharp was dominant. ALEX STALOCK WAS DOMINANT. Gwoz pulled Cheverie fairly early, in a typically gutsy Gwoz style move, and I remember thinking "GET SHARP ON THE ICE." And of course he was, because he's always on the ice in that situation. Mike Connolly got the puck and brought it up ice and, because he is an incredible guy who plays on an incredible team, he passed the puck to MacGregor Sharp who sent it into the open net for a hat trick. The roar in the Xcel was incredible. You would never have known that only about... oh, maybe 15% of the crowd were wearing UMD gear. I didn't leave the arena until the last Bulldog had left the ice.

The only thing left to worry about, tournament-wise, was where UMD would go. They had secured a 2-seed, pole-vaulting over UND to be the second-seeded WCHA team. Wisconsin was the last man out, and the Gophers just behind them. The selection show was pretty cool, as UMD was one of the only non-#1 seeds that got any attention, and Barry Melrose even picked them to be in the finals, which some people said was the kiss of death but he also picked BU, and they won, so it was hardly that way. Once I found out that tUMD would go to the west regional, I was THRILLED.

Days of plotting ensued. MEg and I spent two nights making posters (we made over 20) and togas, and eight of us suited up and headed over to the Miami-DU game. We made friends with the Miami band, which apparently offended the INCH people, but they were very nice. We were fickle in our allegiance. Or as MEg says, allianceship. An incredibly battered Denver team got bounced out, and we prepared ourselves for our Bulldogs.

UMD scored first, which felt so nice, but Princeton scored three times unanswered, and the UMD faithful started to stress. Just as I was running downstairs to give Sioux-cia her ticket (she was very late), Brady Lamb decided it would be a good time to get his first collegiate goal. Bless you, Brady, you have amazing timing. Princeton scored again shorthanded, and we were down by two goals. It was pretty sad. I refused to let the UMD fans get out-cheered by the Princeton band, so every time they started a cheer, I started one. If we were going to die, we were going to die with our boots on. So to speak.

I can not even describe the impossibility of the final minute of the game. Every time I watch it, it seems more impossible. Here, you can watch it, too.



See what I mean? I don't even know if I knew what happened when Oberg scored. I just know it was like being attacked by an octopus, because everyone was hugging everyone. Togas were falling off. Signs were being ripped. The overtime goal was great, but it was just overshadowed by the game-tying goal.

The next night was heartbreaking. There was controversy, of course, but ultimately UMD lost the game and the season ended, and now Cascalenda, Carroll, Gergen, Greer, Kemp, Meyers, Sharp, Oberg, Stalock, and maybe others will never suit up for the Bulldogs again. It's hard for me to even think about. But they have left a legacy and they have left behind some incredible players who will remember this past season, who will remember nothing is over until it truly is, who will remember what these guys who are leaving have passed on to them. But I also don't want to take anything away from the guys who will come back next year, as they were an integral part of the successes of this season.

I didn't think, when I watched the Frozen Four games, that it would be so hard. I kept thinking how much I wanted the Dogs to be there. It's amazing, however, that they came so close. Bittersweet.

Don't worry, because RWD is going to be open for business for the summer. And don't worry, ladies and gents, because the most popular RWD post of the year is on its way.

Forget Pretense

I'm just going to tell you what you want, and you are going to like it.

Comrades, you want:

Tech to annihilate Minnesota-Twin Cities

Mankato to pulverize St. Cloud

North Dakota to disembowel Wisconsin

Denver to incinerate Colorado College

and

your UMD BULLDOGS to sweep the Seawolves!!!!

If these things occur, then I'll have one more trip up to Duluth this season!!!

Andrew, Jay, Josh, MacGregor, Nick, Matt and Michael: I'm counting on you, just as I always have for the past four years.

Additionally, I should announce the winner from the previous poll. With 14 votes (well, really 13, because I voted once), the winner is... THEY ARE ALL CREEPY!!!! Thanks to everyone who voted early and often.

Rehab

Losers 2, Winners 2
(A tie is now referred to as a "Tech win.")

The best thing about late posts is they are usually better. We shall see. I'm still trying to piece together the weekend. Thank goodness for the many people who contributed to the invention of the digital camera. And thank goodness for the delete button on said camera!

I am sorry in advance that this post is full of dumb inside jokes. Unless you are in on those jokes, in which case I am not sorry. You might be, but I can't help that.

Friday night was pretty tame, as I mentioned in that post, which seems so long ago now. This meant my fellow shortie and I were well-rested for the day, and we started it off standing out in the cold heckling an IM broomball game. People at Tech are very serious about broomball. They are not serious about playing defence in their broomball games, though. We also ate at a Chinese food place that did not take my food before I was done eating it nor did it have someone trying to put lemons in the water of non-lemon likers, and I also got to be a creeper for a few minutes because a player walked in. I thought maybe Chinese food was a good thing to eat before games but in fact that person could have eaten a bucket of lard and it would not have mattered because he did not play.

The hockey part of the day started early as I had to go to the VP and Yager's IM hockey game. Many of those people were equally as talented as MTU's varsity squad, and I do not mean that in a complimentary fashion, less the VP think I was being nice. Word to the wise: I AM NEVER NICE. Some of tUMD's fans were at the game, too, as they had nothing better to do. It was very enjoyable as we all sang the "$5 footlongs" song and made up cheers about our friends. I think the IM puck bunnies (sooo incredibly unnecessary) did not like us. It's okay, though. The VP went offsides and ruined everything at one point. Stick to VPing, VP.

I got in free to both games, Friday compliments of Le Russell, my secret boyfriend, and Saturday compliments of getting there so freaking early so I could stalk and the ROTC kids weren't there yet to guard the doors. You know, when I was in ROTC we did crap like that to make money for the battalion but I was stuck 1. covered in cold hot chocolate 2. hauling a giant thing of overpriced sodas through the upper deck of Memorial Stadium trying to hawk them to people who did not want them or 3. cleaning up soggy popcorn, mini-booze bottles, and nearly-liquid funnel cake the day after the Illini got their butts whipped by the rest of the Big 10. I think taking tickets would have been more fun and less freaking nasssty.

I am glad that we arrived as early as we did because later on tUMD started doing their little warmups and they were doing their plios/stretching EXACTLY WHERE I HAD WALKED IN A MERE 20 MINUTES PRIOR. And if I had walked into that I THINK I WOULD HAVE DIED. I commented on this, saying I would have wanted to RUN AWAY FAST like I did once when I told Justin Fontaine "Good game" at Blackwoods and then RAN AWAY before he could even answer (he said "Thanks" I think). MEg pointed out I'd look even more crazy if I did, and I said I wasn't planning on actually running away, just wishing I was going to run away. Fortunately that nightmare only happened in my head.

The game was even more fun somehow even though we "Tech lost." Sadly, the Tech students did not decide to show up to the game, but we were there to help by once again occupying their student section. tPBers came up with some GREAT chants and we had a lot of fun going back and forth with the Tech fans. I horribly embarrassed MEg because it was really quiet in the arena because they were having some sort of sportsmanship announcement from their captain and it was very poorly read, like a robot or something, and I was yelling about it. I know that I often say that I wish I was louder but in this case it was unnecessary because MEg told me that she happened to be focusing on one particular Tech player and the instant I opened my big fat mouth to bellow out "COULD YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE?" he looked at me like my words were stabbing him in the eyes.

It was very hard to watch the game because of all of the goings-on. Tech jumped out to an early lead and then Gergy got a goal and I was so excited and happy. He seemed that way, too. We all chanted "Just like last night!" which was a great idea. It was incredibly strange because it was a PP goal and the assists went to Andrew Carroll and Nick Kemp, and they are not normally on the PP. But good job! Yeah! Between periods I followed MEg to the other side of the arena to climb up and meet Huskyfan. I needed some oxygen. I don't know why old people would want to sit so high up. I am young and I almost needed Boosh to carry me up. I don't know why I didn't think of that then. Then we went to the Blue Line club to meet MacDie and some lady started screaming that a Bulldog fan had entered as if I was carrying the bubonic plague or something. I mean, maybe I was, but still, calm down. It was 100 degrees in there. MacDie offered me some food but I declined (I DECLINED FOOD. IT'S SO UN-AMERICAN.) because of the death stares I was getting. I got a cup of water and even then people were all "Bitch get away from our jugs of wine." This provided an excellent distraction for Boosh to make off with half of their buffet.

The second period was good because Meyers got a goal and then Seth Soley breathed too close to Alex Stalock and he went down like he was Geoff Kinrade. Hee. (I am sorry Al but you know you totally flopped.) Akins went all Akins on Soley and Palm and Bunger bear-hugged for awhile so they all went to time out. It took a very long time to sort out the penalties and then there were net problems. I was nervous because we could not afford to get any DQs. I am always nervous at games, though. I think I was clutching Marty at one point. At the 2nd intermission tUMD fans put on a parade and marched through the arena to find the fan bus fans. They cheered when we came over and we cheered for them. Then we walked back through the concourse chanting "LET'S GO BULLDOGS!" and people stared.

The 3rd period sucked because Weird Derek Kitti scored the game-tying goal and I knew, I just KNEW, we were not going to score another goal. I should have worn a different jersey. Or something. Or maybe I should have sabotaged some of the guys. They (and their LLC) were in close proximity to me for much of the trip. And they didn't even know it. Muahahahaha. Overtime sucked too. We seriously almost lost the game like 600 times. Or once. I was sitting in a weird seat that was at the top of the stairs and so I had to hold onto the railing to keep from rocketing down the stairs. After the game ended we chanted "BEAT THE GOPHERS" and everyone stared at us like "What are Gophers?" Hello, we were trying to be nice.

After the game, things happened. The end.

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season's total: Not even necessary!
Points until we equal last season's total: Eee!

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 31!
Jack Connolly: 22
Michael Gergen: 14!
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 27!
Jack Connolly: 22
Scott Kishel: 2
Brady Lamb: 1
Travis Oleksuk: 1
David Grun: 0

On Notice
Rob Bordson
Andrew Carroll
Jay Cascalenda
Jack Connolly (whyyyyyyyy?)
Jordan Fulton
Kyle Schmidt
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Matt Greer
Nick Kemp
Mike Montgomery
Trent Palm

Back At It

tUMD 4, Enginerds 1

I'm not sure exactly what's going to happen with this post, but I know there are people that are counting on me to make it. Okay, that's a lie. No one counts on me for anything, which is smart on all of their parts. Also, I'm posting on MEg's tiny computer and I'm making all sorts of typing errors which are irritating me. This computer is really small. Just like we are!!! Yeah!!!

Being at Tech has been fun so far, though I haven't really done anything other than eat. MEg, Booshiepie and I went to Suomi for breakfasty food at lunch time, and then we went to the Ambassador for an early dinner and some drinks and for playing "Don't Stop Believin'" on the jukebox 3 times. We called for a taxi and then did a shot while we were waiting. Then we went outside to stand on the curb and someone, I'm not sure who other than I know it wasn't me, said "I want a Dirty Girl Scout." So we trooped back into the bar and did another shot and then waited another 15 or so minutes for a cab. There are only 8 cab drivers in Houghton. I know this because MEg asked the cabbie.

THE GAME. Right. The thing people care about on this site. If they care about anything at all. GOD DID I MISS HOCKEY. And also, I LOVE ROAD TRIPPING!!!!! Tech scored a power play goal to start things off, which made me even more stressed and nervous. Ugh, PK, seriously. HOWEVER, an interesting little tidbit I noticed: I was talking with one of me secret correspondents last week, and we were discussing the penalty kill and how we wished we had put some offense out there. Somehow, our collective genius travelled on the thoughtwaves of the universe and ended up in Coach Sandelin's head, because Mike Connolly was out there on the PK later in the game. INTERESTING. I like it. Anyway, Superior native Brett Olson got a PP goal for Tech and I stressed a lot, but then The Fonz was all "Eyyyy, sit on it!" and tied the game.

Then things got interesting. But not in the game. Just other secret goings-on.

The second period went by without any goals, thanks to a non-goal that had Booshie crying into the jersey of the Weirdest Kid Ever, who was sitting next to him. The Bulldogs finally kicked things up a notch thanks to back to back power plays where they finally converted and Sharpy had his first of 2 goals!!! Andrew Carroll got in on the scoring with a shorthanded goal and Sharpy got an empty net goal from quite a distance out! Incredible!!

Tomorrow is going to be off the heezy. For now, we're discussing the Golden Girls, and I really must go. No Numbers tonight as I don't have access to my superspecial spreadsheet.

Ordinary People

tUMD 3, tUMD's PK 4

Ok, the Curry game-worn needs to take a breather, as its mojo is gone. This is unfortunate, because I really wanted to wear it tomorrow: not only is it very cool and beaten up by all the fun and wacky elbows and hip checks MC would throw around, but it also makes wearing pants pretty much unncessary. I mean, I still planned on wearing pants with it, because though it has warmed up this weekend it would still be rather drafty, but it's incredibly large on me and I think that's fun. One of these (October) days I'm going to wear hotpants and fishnets underneath it and really mess with people. Plus I can totally head right over to some Rocky Horror Picture Show viewing without changing!

I was driving home today in a panic because I got out of work slightly late and I was afraid I'd miss part of the game (I did, but it was an inconsequential part). I was thinking about how I was enjoying this whole semi-successful season thing, but that I missed the old crappy Bulldogs because I knew I could pretty much get a ticket for any game by just walking up to the ticket window when I arrived. Now I have NO PLAN for getting into the game tomorrow and if I don't get a friggin' ticket I am going to be UNBELIEVABLY p.o.ed because I just frantically drove 2 hours after spending 8 1/2 hours speaking to the most idiotic people in the whole world. Don't be surprised if you don't see me (with our without pants!) because I might have choked myself on my own headset or hung myself with a phone cord.

What? Oh, the game. Do I really have to talk about it? Well, no, I don't have to, no one is holding a gun to my head. And if anyone was holding a gun to my head, it would probably just be me. I know it was only 4-3 and not some horrendous blow-out, but really. There was some horsecrap officiating tonight, but that's not the point. So what if the referees FORGOT they need to BLOW THE WHISTLE when there's a penalty on the Bulldogs and they have POSSESSION of the PUCK and then ANDREW CARROLL scored a SHORTHANDED GOAL? That was really annoying, but what was more annoying is our Ordinary Teams going 2 for 6 on the PK and 1 for 9 on the PP including a GIFT of a PP with 1:17 remaining which gave tDogs a 6 on 4 opportunity and STILL couldn't net a game-tying goal. OH THE HUMANITY.

Weird stat: all of tUMD's players are either even, +1, or oddly +2 in the case of Jay Cascalenda, while DU's players are all either even or -1.

Okay, GOODNIGHT.

Wait, one more thing. MCON? Great game. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season's total: 1 (Ready for tomorrow night!)
Points until we equal last season's total: 2 (Sigh, would have been nice to update this one, at least)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 27!
Jack Connolly: 22
Michael Gergen: 12!
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen

Mike Connolly: 24!
Jack Connolly: 22
Scott Kishel: 2
Brady Lamb: 1
Travis Oleksuk: 1
David Grun: 0

On Notice
Rob Bordson
Jay Cascalenda
Nick Kemp
Evan Oberg
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Drew Akins
Justin Fontaine (Whaa?)
Michael Gergen
Trent Palm
Kyle Schmidt

Inside Job

This weekend, I wasn't able to get to Madison. This is probably a good thing since it seems every time I drive to Wisconsin, something bad happens. Specifically something vehicular.

HOWEVER, I'm always thinking about my reader. Er, readers, I suppose. Still can't get used to that. I had SEVERAL sources in Mad-town for this game covering it from all angles: from skyboxes to dive bars. And Simmerdown, once-and-future? author of the Penalty Box's Maroon Lampoon, agreed to give me a recap. This is great, because it means original content with zippo effort from your #1 gal.

Note: all of the opinions in this article are Simmerdown's own, and are not necessarily the opinions of RWD. Especially those on My Guy Gergzilla.

Hey all RWD readers, Simmerdown here. I was asked to give a recap of the past weekend here by your wonderful host since I made the trip into Sconnie for the games, so here goes:

Friday Night – Can I get some Spotted Cow?

First of all, the drive through Wisconsin on 94 is quite possibly the most boring drive, second only to Nebraska. Nothing to look at but open land, cows, and second cousins riding in pickup trucks [How does open land fit in a pickup truck?]. We got into town around 5:30 and made our way to my buddy’s house (Bulldoginbadgerland over at tPB). Once we got to the Kohl Center I thought I had entered Stalingrad [now known as Volgograd, in case you're in a geography bee]. Everyone was in red, and they all thought alike. Obviously a group of people wearing the opposing team’s jersey are automatic [sphincters]. It wasn’t so bad the first couple of times but my god, think of something original to say. McCarthy is gone, you can think on your own once again. I had one [donkey] tell me that I could look forward to serving his kids french fries since I go to UMD. Nevermind the fact that I have already graduated and go to law school. Whatever, he was a communication major and was wearing a red Polaris jacket [god, they're everywhere]. I didn’t know UW accepted St. Cloud transfers…

The Kohl Center is an impressive building, for a basketball arena. The sea of red idiots jumping around on cue is enough to make you vomit. The same chants, the same cheers, the same strange badger mating ritual every night. I guess repetition is the goal of any brainwashing cult. [Oh yeah!] The game itself was very boring, with ugly goals scored by both teams. J-Con (RWD required me to mention him at least once per night) [Yes, but to be fair, I also said "No need for any sort of Jacky quota... he'll just be so awesome you'll have to mention him. Double points for Mike Curry references." AND I DON'T SEE ANY OF THOSE!!!!] scored first off a big rebound given up by Connelly. Later in the first Kishel took a hooking penalty and the BADgers tied it up with the ensuing PP. Davies took a rink wide pass on the near side about 8 feet out and beat Stalock through the five-hole as he slid over. [See, you never get this kind of analysis from RWD. I'm too busy trying to find a damn spoon for Bruce's kid's freaking Dippin' Dots before the world ends to like, pay attention to games and stuff.] It was the only goal all weekend that was remotely on Al. Of course, it was only 1 of 2 that he let in. Later in the second period the Communists scored again after a scrum in front left Al laying helpless in front and the defence [EARTH TO MEYERS!!! COME IN, MEYERS!!!] couldn’t find the strength to MOVE SOME FRICKIN' BODIES from the front of the net. The Bulldogs played a much better third period, and got some decent chances from their first and second lines. Bucky sealed the game with an empty net goal by Gorowsky (how ironic) [this is the literary device known as foreshadowing, folks] in the third and our beloved Bulldogs fell 3-1.

After the game we made our way over to the Echo Tap to drown our sorrows. That place was awesome to us. Both bartenders knew their hockey, and although there was the usual good natured ribbing, both in person and over the loudspeaker, they also hooked us up with free “pity shots.” I even got a free shot just for closing my tab. [Is this some sort of miracle? Although Stacy seemed to have trouble remembering at the CC last weekend...] I later filled my belly at Ian’s Pizza (they seriously need one of these in Duluth. Luce doesn’t have a mac n cheese pizza, but they should) where we met more dumbass fans that obviously didn’t watch the game, or know anything about hockey. One guy told me that I should go home before the Badgers blank the Bulldogs again. I was quick to tell him that the Bulldogs scored first, which he replied “whatever, you still suck.” Is there something in the water that removes all logic and thought from Badger fan’s brains? [Hah! The same thing happened to me! tUMD had a delayed penalty and pulled the goalie and this girl started screaming. I explained the rule kindly and she yelled back "Well, you're still losing!" Well I'd rather see tUMD lose every once in awhile than be a brainless jersey chaser.] We decided to make it a short night, go home and play some Rock Band, and make Saturday night the night we hit the town hard.

Saturday Night – Beer, Heart Attack, Beer. In that order.

On Saturday we made our way over to the New Glarus Brewery about 30 minutes outside of Madison. They make the famed Spotted Cow wheat beer and Fat Squirrel nut brown ale that you can only find in Wisconsin. The tour wasn’t that great, but the beer is amazing. They need to distribute to Minnesota because I can’t keep making runs to Hudson for this stuff [Word. Who wants to go there?]. After sampling their brew and buying 5 cases of beer to bring back with us we made our way back to the Red Shed for redemption. [I was confused. I was thinking of Fred's Red Shed! Yay!]

In the first, I had what I can only speculate to be the first heart attack of my young life. Al played the puck but centered it to Gorowsky, while another Badger gave a pretty decent body check to Stalock. Gorowsky missed the net entirely, wide right from about 15 feet out. The refs even had to do a replay just to be sure it didn’t go through a hole in the net. Apparently they couldn’t believe that a
player could be that bad; Gorowsky proved them wrong. Al played solid the rest of the night, including a great toe save after making 3 others just before it. The game got chippy in the second, with both teams playing some great defensive hockey. I have to give credit to Wisconsin for blocking as many shots as they did. Our powerplay was stifled the whole night because they never moved the box, they just stayed in position and let us move around them, but when we tried to make a move they closed in. It was a great penalty kill against a mediocre powerplay. [I have issues with who is on what power play but that is for another day.]

The third period started with some controversy. Sharp lined up with Geoffrion to take the draw, but Geoffrion made a move and Sharp tried to sweep his feet out, both players threw their hands up but the ref threw Geoffrion out. He lined up on the left wing against Kemp, but made a move in before the puck dropped. That got him an unsportsmanlike penalty which was met by a sea of boos from the Kohl Center. It didn’t matter, because our powerplay was atrocious all weekend. The Dogs finally scored when J-Con (there he is again) [Check] made a great play in the Wisconsin end by forcing the turnover, cutting in, and hitting Fulton with a great saucer pass right on the stick. [Eee!] All Fulton had to do was tap it in and it was 1-0 Dogs. After that goal, it was all defense for Duluth. They only used one forechecker, and really played good defensive hockey, especially during the last 3 minutes of the game. Stalock hung up the goose egg on the Sea of Lenin, and our boys took 2 points on the road.

After the game we made an appearance back at the Echo Tap since they were so cool the night before. The same two bartenders were working, only this time we got them “pity shots.” After a few rounds, I made my way behind the bar and even started pouring Jag for the two of them (pretty sure some of the football players that were there were ready to kick my [badonkadonk] for going behind the bar but let it go once they realized that the other bartender told me to.) We then went over to Waldo’s to get some fishbowls. The crowd at Waldo’s are basically all drunk undergrads who have no clue about anything outside their little world. Some of them had the deer in headlights look when I came up the stairs with a Bulldog jersey on. Strangers from the outside world, my parents warned me about this… A d-bag who was waiting in line to go to the next level of the club started talking trash. Let me say that again, this guy was waiting in line to go to another level of the bar he was already in, and was leaning over talking [feces]. My buddy pointed that out to him and the bouncer watching the door laughed so hard at it that he even gave my buddy a high five. Burn. Maybe I’m getting old and like quieter places with good beer, maybe the fish bowl had way too much alcohol in it for one person [I always thought fishbowls were pretty light on the booze; there was this bar called R and Rs at the U of I and I drank a whole one myself and nothing horrible happened. Maybe I'm just a sad sad drunk], or maybe I just don’t like amateur night at the local frat bar, but Waldo’s made me want to fight everyone I saw. [I feel like that pretty much constantly.] At closing time we left our remaining fishbowls with a very confused Asian guy and his date and made our way home. I remember thinking to myself as I fell asleep that road trips are the greatest thing about sports. [Eee! Houghton soon!]

Weekend Notes:
- Our powerplay has to get better. Wisconsin played a great PK, but 0-8 is simply unacceptable. [Unless you're from St. Cloud!!!]
- Sandelin used Kishel on Friday night, and Lamb on Saturday. Lamb looked much more in control and confident than Kishel. [I heart Super Sexy Shirtless Brady Lamb!]
- I am amazed at the speed of Cascalenda, only noticed him once or twice but when I did I was like “Who is that speedster?”
- Palm needs to learn how to handle a bouncing/fast puck. Soft hands, get out the eggs.
- Gergen still doesn’t realize there are teammates out there with him. The only time he passed the puck in the offensive zone was when he had no other option but pass, and it was a terrible one.
- Solid games from Sharp, Akins [What??? I love you Drew, but OMFG your penalty], and Fulton. Kemp is one of the most underrated players on our team in my opinion.
- Andrew Carroll should have a monument put up in remembrance of his work ethic.
- The student section at Wisconsin just plain sucks. The only original cheer they had was “where’s your water bottle” toward Stalock. How is supposed to get a guy off his game? You’re so good you don’t need water during the game, you suck!
- Fontaine is his usual fast self; I was impressed by his puck work through 2 and sometimes 3 Badgers.
- J-Con [check] was the same way but needs more size to him [What are we supposed to do? Tie his arms and legs to a team of horses and let them pull? Don't think JMay hasn't thought of it] or learn to duck the bigger hits. M-Con had an off weekend and really looked small compared to the Badgers when he was in the corners.
- Shane Connelly has a superman logo on his helmet. What a tool.

Next weekend is critical for the Dogs. They need at least 2 points but a stick salute would be better. [Me likey!] Good luck and go Dogs!

-Simmerdown

Thanks for the FANTASTIC recap of the weekend and a fresh perspective on the game.

Endzone

tUMD 1 Touchdown, Mankato's Football Team 2 Safeties


I'm glad I drove up here. This will be a short post because I am watching Katt Williams on Comedy Central and it is entertaining.

I missed much of the 1st period because I was still driving up. Depressingly, I missed my Jacky's goal (though I heard it on the radio) AND Josh Meyers's goal (because I was waiting for InebriatedMike in the ticket lobby while he was waiting for me at the back entrance), and I was starting to wonder if I was a curse because we did not score any more goals until Monkey scored.

I feel sorry for Troy Jutting. I mean, not just because he is super uggo and gross, but also because he does not understand what sport he is coaching. That's really the only explanation for tonight's play. It was rough for tDogs in the 2nd period because they let Mankato dictate what game was being played, and it was Maverick Football, not Bulldog Hockey.

In the 3rd period, I got a call from one of my friends with 9 minutes to go. He asked about the score and I said "It's 4-3... we're losing." I was pretty crabby. The PK was rough and the PP was hurting a bit from the shorty. Later on I was telling him about the game and he was like "They really scored 4 goals in 9 minutes?" I didn't even realize it. Wow. Amazing. What's also amazing is how much food you can get from Taco John's for $25: 2 sodas, 1 order of chicken quesadillas, 2 hard shell tacos, 3 softshell tacos, 3 orders of Potato Oles, 1 buffalo chicken burrito, 1 side of nacho cheese, 1 side of sour cream, and a side of guacamole. Heavenly. Mom, I'm sure you're jealous. But the 3rd period was a smorgasbord of scoring: Sherrif Andrew Carroll said "No way are we going to let this herd of cattle run wild on OUR rink," and tied the game. Then Captain Greer decided he needed to get in on the scoring, assisted by Super Sexy Shirtless Brady Lamb! All three captains scored in the game!!!! That's awesome. MCON decided he DEFINITELY did not want to be On Notice and got his own goal, and then Jordan Fulton kicked an extra point with 33 seconds to go.

I sat in the student section tonight, and they were AWESOME in the 3rd period. I've often stressed that it doesn't matter WHAT they say, just that they are LOUD and PROUD (like 2 certain Gopher fans I know...). The student section was so rocking tonight that we couldn't even get chants going in our section because the next section had already started one! And then... many of them left before the end of the game. Screw them. Also, students, there is no reason to drink so much that you vomit on yourself or your friends while in your seat. If you're going to do that, why even bother attending the game?

I'd like to write more, and I probably will, but it's 2:17 and I have to be up to drive home in like... 7 hours. And I have tacos to eat, and miles to go before I sleep.

The Numbers (abbreviated until I'm home again)
Wins until we equal last season's total: 2! (Yay! We're comin'! We're comin'!)
Points until we equal last season's total: 4! (AMAZING!!!)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 26!
Jack Connolly: 20!
Michael Gergen: 11
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 22!
Jack Connolly: 20! (Sorry I missed your goal!)
Scott Kishel: 2
Brady Lamb: 1! (Yay Brady! And your dad was there to see it!)
Travis Oleksuk: 1
David Grun: 0

Say What?

tUMD 2, Riverhacks 1

Greetings one and all from the Sha-na-na Shaniqua Shillelagh Tournament! And that's pronounced Sha-lay-lee, not Shi-lih-log. Who knew?

We had fun. A lot of fun. I'm not sure what to write about this game because I was too busy with other things. There were A LOT more Bulldogs fans there than I thought would be there, but there should have been more! It's not a far drive at all. My car looks almost white because of all the crap the Wisconsin roads threw onto it. Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Wisconsin!!!!

This tournament started out on a VERY poor note because it cost $20 to park. $20!!! I mean, for reals, what are they THINKING???? I mean, at the Metrodome, the closest parking for TWINS games is only $20. INSANE. The Sears Centre is robbing people blind. No offense to actual blind people.

Then the tournament got VERY poor because UML scored first on the power play. I missed it because I was talking to the person in front of me about... something. He asked me a question and I was answering it, and the goal occurred. He apologized but I said "I wasn't interested in seeing it anyway." There was a replay. Bleah. Fortunately, Sheriff Andrew Carroll got us back to even and I felt more comfortable again.

The announcer was struggling to pronounce some of our players's names correctly. Akins is always a hard one for people; they call him Ackins or Atkins or something odd like that. We decided during the second period that we should move because #1 we needed some place where we could act stupid and stand and not bother anyone, and #2 we needed to help out the announcer. For example, when the power play ended, we helped out by yelling "UMD is at FULL STRENGTH!" and then he didn't announce second goal so I screamed "WHO SCORED THE GOAL??" and he yelled "DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU PERSONALLY???" and I yelled back "YES!!!" and he yelled back "JUSTIN FONTAINE!!" and I responded with "HOBEY FONTAINE!!!" But shhh. We're flying below the radar. Then we found out the announcer's name was Nick and told him how to pronounce Gergen (he was saying it "Jer Jin") and we were all friends.

In the third period we went and sat in what were evidently the "club" seats and annoyed some people, but whatever. We gave the goalie all we had and he was laughing and kept looking at us. I can't wait to see him tomorrow in the Union-UML game.

All in all there wasn't much to report. It was not a very exciting game and we played rather flatly, but since the guys hadn't played a game since the Tech series, it was not a big deal. I know they are going to come out SMOKING against Notre Dame and their fish-face, giant-eared coach and his earpiece assistant.

We stayed for the Union-Notre Dame game and acted just as stupid at that game. Nick the Announcer threw a t-shirt at us and InebriatedMike tried to get it and missed, but knocked me over in the process. I have a giant bruise on my leg because he knocked me into the armrest between us (which didn't have a cupholder, which was INCREDIBLY annoying).

Good times. Great times even. More good times tomorrow!!! GO DOGS!!!!!!!!!

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season's total: 4 (NC)
Points until we equal last season's total: 8 (NC)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 20!!!!!
Jack Connolly: 13
Michael Gergen: 8!!!!!
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 16!!!!!!!
Jack Connolly: 13
David Grun: 0
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0 (But back in action!!!!)

On Notice:
Rob Bordson
Jay Cascalenda
Matt Greer
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Drew Akins
Mike Connolly
Cody Danberg
Michael Gergen
Mike Montgomery
Trent Palm

A Christmas Story

Christmas was on its way. Lovely glorious beautiful Christmas, around which the entire kid year revolved.

Nick Kemp, Kyle Schmidt, Chad Huttel and I were down at Stewart's Bikes and Sports, noses pressed against the glass, staring at their window displays. There it was, the holy grail of Christmas gifts: the Red Ryder one piece 200-shot Iron Range model hockey stick with multi-rib blade construction and a Kevlar-wrapped shaft. For weeks I had been scheming to get my mitts on one of these fearsome opponent-obliterating beauties. My fevered brain seethed with the effort of trying to come up with the infinitely subtle devices necessary to implant the indelibly into my coach's subconscious.

At practice, I struggled for just the right hockey stick hint. "Sharpie said he saw some grizzly bears near Grandma's Sports Garden!" Sandelin looked at me like I had walleye coming out of my ears. I quickly changed directions. "Coach, I bet you can't guess what I got you for Christmas?" Coach Rohlik asked me, "Jacky, what do you want for Christmas?" I don't know what came over me, or why I blurted it out despite all my subtle scheming, but I loudly proclaimed, "I want a Red Ryder one piece 200-shot Iron Range model hockey stick with multi-rib blade construction and a Kevlar-wrapped shaft." Coach Sandelin looked at me and shook his head. "You'll shoot your eye out!"

At class the next day, my professor announced we had to write a paper. I hated writing papers, but then I saw a golden opportunity. "The topic of the paper will be 'What I want for Christmas.'" A paper! Here was my chance. I knew when my professor read my eloquently crafted and devastatingly convincing paper outlining why I wanted and deserved the Red Ryder one piece 200-shot Iron Range model hockey stick with multi-rib blade construction and a Kevlar-wrapped shaft, how could she possibly resist giving me an A++++++++, which I could then show to Coach Sandelin, and then he would be powerless to deny me.

I went right from class to practice, so that I could get started on my paper right away. I thought of what I would write. "I want a Red Ryder one piece 200 shot iron range model hockey stick with multi-rib blade construction and a Kevlar-wrapped shaft." Hmm... what else?

As we were getting ready for practice, Coach came into the locker room waving a paper in the air, as excited as the day he won the Spencer Penrose award. "I won! I won! A major prize!" "What is it?" we all asked. "Well... well... I don't know! It could be anything! It... it could be a bowling alley!"

A few minutes later, a guy came into the locker room wheeling a large crate on a dolly. "Oooh, Fra-gee-lay. it must be Italian!" Coach exclaimed excitedly. "I think that says fragile," Gergen commented. He pried it open with a pocket knife and dug through the avalanche of packing peanuts to find... "A leg?" asked Coach Larson. "A leg!!!" Sandy exclaimed, clearly not bothered by its peculiarity. Then he dug a little bit deeper and pulled out the other piece. "This is a lamp!" It was indeed a lamp. The old man's eyes boggled.

















"And I know where we're going to display it! In the corridor, right in front of one of the windows overlooking the arena!" He set it up and we all went outside to admire it, basking in the soft glow of electric sex in the window. Passerby looked puzzled, but Coach proudly announced to all of them, "It's a major award!" It could be seen up and down canal park, the symbol of the Coach's victory.

While we were all gathered out there, we saw a short and very cute looking girl walking up to the DECC, and we realized it was our beloved and revered blogger, Runninwiththedogs. Very few of us had ever seen her in person before, but of course everyone knows what she looks like. She stopped short when she saw us and tried to duck away, but not before she realized we had spotted her, and she let fly with "Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuudge." But she didn't say fudge, she said the big one, the queen mother of swear words, the f dash dash dash word, and Sandy heard her. She had a look on her face like she knew she was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited her. Sandy was on the phone to her grandfather in Florida within moments. "Do you know what RWD just said?" he asked, and then whispered something through the phone, and we could all hear the yelling as if Gramps had been on speaker. "Where did she hear that word?" Everyone had heard it 10 times a day from Coach Sandelin, who worked in profanity the way other artists worked in oils or clay. She must have panicked, because she blurted out what only could have been the first name that came to mind. "Donald!" "That's it," Coach shouted, "come with me, young lady!" and he marched her back inside.

















I felt her pain. Over the years I got to be quite a connossieur of soap. Though my personal preference was for Irish Spring, I found that Ivory had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Dial, on the other hand... YECCHH!

The next week in class, I anxiously awaited the return of our papers. "Overall, I was somewhat pleased with these papers, although some of you could really work on your spelling and grammar." She stopped by my desk and I could barely stand the excitement as I turned the cover page and saw... A C+? And she had written "You'll shoot your eye out?" Was there no end to the conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his playmaker?

I knew I had only one last resort, so I headed up to Miller Hill Mall to see Santa. The line stretched all the way to Hibbing, and I was at the end of it. Finally, finally, I was next in line, and then there I was sitting on the big guy's lap. "What do you want for Christmas?" he asked me.

















But my mind had gone blank. I tried to remember. I was blowing it! "How about a nice football?" he asked. I stuttered, "Uhhh... a football..." and then Santa said to his elf "Ok get him out of here," and they shoved me onto the big slide. Oh no! What was I doing? Wake up stupid! I grabbed onto the end of the slide.

















"I want a Red Ryder one piece 200 shot iron range model hockey stick with multi-rib blade construction and a Kevlar-wrapped shaft." And then, horror of horrors, he uttered those dreadful words: "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"

I knew there was no hope when I woke up Christmas morning. As the whole team opened up presents in their PJs, I saw nothing that would look like a Red Ryder one piece 200 shot iron range model hockey stick with multi-rib blade construction and a Kevlar-wrapped shaft. Instead, I had gotten a horrible gift from Mrs. Ciskie that everyone insisted I try on, and since I was a freshman, I had to comply.

Andrew Carroll yelled at me from the other room, "Show everyone what Mrs. Ciskie made you!" Bruce's wife labored under the delusion that I was not only four years old, but also a girl. Immediately my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with the blue button eyes stared sappily up at me. I just hoped that Jordan Schroeder would never spot them, as word of this humiliation could easily make life in the WCHA a living hell.

"Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas, Jacky?" Coach Rohlik asked me. I shrugged and said "Almost." "Almost?" Coach Sandelin asked. "Huh. Well... what's that over there? Behind the zamboni?"

And there it was, a Red Ryder one piece 200 shot iron range model hockey stick with multi-rib blade construction and a Kevlar-wrapped shaft. Wow! Oh it was beautiful, I ould hardly wait to try it out. I hurried to put on my skates, with Suz yelling after me "Put on your helmet!" and I barely remembered to grab it as I hit the ice, skating up so I was standing in front of one of the nets. I imagined Richard Bachman in the net, a tie game in the WCHA Final Five championship game. "Okay, Bachman, now you get yours." And I wound up and let a slap shot fly. "CLANNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I heard the puck hit the crossbar and then it flew back at my face. OH MY GOD! I SHOT MY EYE OUT!

After I recovered, I realized that I had not, in fact, shot my eye out, but had caused a huge dent in my cage, not quite as bad as what happened to Kyle Schmidt against North Dakota, but still, Hoagie was going to kill me. I immediately started crying, and everyone came running. On the fly, I came up with a story. "The puck... it hit a pane of glass that was out of alignment!!!" I knew that, as crappy as the DECC is, there had to be one out of joint somewhere. "Oh, poor Jacky," everyone cooed as they led me back to the locker room.

That night, next to me lay the greatest Christmas gift I had ever received or would ever. Gradually I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of triple dekes and spectacular wrist shots.

Merry Christmas to all of the RWD reading audience, and everyone who stumbles in here by mistakes.

RWD Media Guide

Can't figure out who I'm writing about? Here's a guide to the nicknames.

Arthur Fonzarelli: Justin Fontaine
Bordo: Rob Bordson
Bradylicious: Brady Hjelle
Fonzie: Justin Fontaine
Fuzzy: Mike Connolly
Gergasaurus, Gergzilla, or Gergy: Michael Gergen
Grunner: David Grun
the Hutt: Chad Huttel
Jacky or My Sweet Jacky: Jack Connolly
JCON: Jack Connolly
Kemper the Wrecker: Nick Kemp
MCON: Mike Connolly
MG: Michael Gergen
Monty, Montasaurus: Mike Montgomery
Obi, Obi-Wan or Obi-Wan Kenobi: Evan Oberg
Opie: Brady Hjelle
Peanut Butter Jelly Time: Brady Hjelle
Pre, Prefontaine: Justin Fontaine
Robbio: Rob Bordson
Sexy Brady: Brady Lamb
Schmitty!!!!!!: I certainly hope this one wasn't hard for you, but Kyle Schmidt
Sharpy, Sharpshooter: MacGregor Sharp
the Sherrif: Andrew Carroll

No One Here Gets Out Alive

tUMD 5, Hussies 1. Five to one, baby, one to five.

Oh my my my my my my my my my my. What a day. What a day for tUMD sports!!! First, though I don't follow tUMD football at all, I do have to mention tUMD's D2 playoff win over some school I've never heard of that is apparently good in football but not good enough for D1. HOORAY!!!! And the women won in their game too. So double yay!

I know I got all giddy and gleeful about the Sioux fans and their tears and rants, but it's even MORE fun when the St. Cloud fans get upset. See, Sioux fans hate losing; St. Cloud fans hate losing to tUMD. It gets them all extra mad, and then they try to say they are playing like crap BUT tUMD is also playing like crap and somehow we were just ever so slightly less crappy than they were IN THIS PARTICULAR GAME which is why we managed to squeak out a win, but overall St. Cloud is superior. This is a very logical line of thinking. I can completely follow what they're saying.

Not.

(UMDDogz went through this period in which, whenever he disagreed with something anyone said, he would say "NOT!" It used to grind my gears like no other; it was right up there with "breathing on me," "being on my side of the car," and "getting a bigger piece than me." I led an awful, awful life.)

This was a GREAT game for tUMD. Yes, St. Cloud played very poorly, but tUMD also refused to let them get anything going. MEg got 11 points in her fantasy league based on this one game. We've outscored St. Cloud 10-2 in this "series" and though some people commented that splitting the series might have given us a disadvantage because after St. Cloud played us, they swept powerhouse Robert Morris and some little team from the Rocky Mountains, and they put up a tUMD Touchdown* against UW on their way to a split. So I was very pleased with the result. I was happy when it was 1-0, and unhappy when it was 1-1, but once it was 2-1 I thought okay, we'll win. But I wanted something a little more showy. It's like when you're playing Mortal Kombat, and you get to the end and it's all "FINISH HIM!!!!" and you forget to press UP UP B B LEFT A START to do one of your super special moves, so you just end up giving them a lame punch or something and they fall over dead. Not NEARLY as satisfying as employing some secret code embedded by some meth-addicted programmer and tracked down in some magazine for Dirty losers, so I could see Scorpion (I always played as him or Sub-Zero) eat the head off of his opponent. I was a bloodthirsty little beast. And then suddenly it was 3-1, 4-1, and magically 5-1, and my bloodlust was quenched. For now.

I was really sad that I had to work today and couldn't go up to Duluth for the game. We need to get some snow up in here or I'm going to go crazy. But it all worked out nicely, because the game was televised and THEY INTERVIEWED MY JACKY!!! EXCITING!!! They interviewed his parents, too, during the 2nd intermission, but I didn't watch that because we watched a wee bit of the Wild game and listened to Nielsen talk about the football game. I have three beefs with the interviews: first of all, in the pre-recorded interview segments they have with their feature player of the week, they are always playing this weird sad music that sounds like the Native American flute music on sale at the center court of Southdale during the holidays. It serves a purpose, yes, but this is an interview with a hockey player. I would have preferred a little more bow chicka bow-wow. Additionally, they sneak in these little teaser segments during the game and they totally cover up the game WHILE IT IS OCCURRING. This happened once when St. Cloud was in our zone (yes, they were a few times) and I stressed. Finally, the chick that interviews the guys between periods needs some SERIOUS help with her questions, and also needs to think of them BEFORE the camera is on her. She said something to Justin Fontaine about Thanksgiving. He is from CANADIA! Their Thanksgiving is in OCTOBER! But I do enjoy watching the games on TV and I like the player interviews, so keep them coming; just plan a little better, Emily. If that is your name. I'm here to help.

Little snippet of annoyance: Drew. Your name is LeBlanc. This is U.S. America. Pronounce it LeBlonk and be done with it. LeBlahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahhahhaahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh is really annoying.

Let's talk about the game, shall we? (Excuse me while I hang up my suit coat, zip up a cardigan, and lace up my stiff blue sneakers.)

1st Period

I stressed a lot for awhile. There wasn't much established on either side, which was good because we weren't getting dominated or anything, but bad because we weren't playing our own game yet. Foppish Dandy Oliver Lauridsen (isn't that the name of Ryan O'Neal's character in Love Story?), who we will now call Preppie for all eternity, landed his preppy behind in the penalty box for wearing a color other than white on the tennis court. 14 seconds later, Justin Fontaine wham-bam-thank-you-ma'amed a goal and we were 1 for 1 on the power play. That was tUMD's only power play of the game. I was somewhat depressed when St. Cloud actually scored a power play goal. I think they were confused about what happened. It was a somewhat foreign concept for them, at least in league play, as I previously discussed. The thing I like about split PKs is the team can focus their efforts a bit more, and they also don't have to worry about getting tired. I was disappointed we couldn't take advantage of that. The goal was a bit funky, but they all count the same.

2nd Period

Jacky to Justin to Jordy. Boom. 2-1. I wasn't sure about this line at first but I think they are really going to take off. Jordy's ready to break out.

3rd Period

Gergy got tripped by stupid Garrett Raboin, he of the horrible 80s first name and weird bothersome last name, and then decided he wanted a little time-out as well and went after Raboin, nullifying the power play we were about to receive. Not to worry. Mike Connolly is going to be posting Jase Weslosky's jock strap on E-bay tonight, because his goal to put tUMD up 3-1 made it look like I was in net. Except Jase was maybe somewhat paying attention, and I'm not really capable of that.

Justin to Jacky to Jordy. Boom. 4-1. Love it.

Gergy took a penalty with under a minute to go when he just crushed Preppy McPrepstein. Preppy-poo took offense to getting his perfectly coifed hair messed up and his tennis arm bumped, and Sheriff Andrew Carroll had to take care of biznass. We ended up on the PK, but I pressed UP UP B B LEFT A START and after a turnover Kyle Schmidt scored a shorthanded goal to FINISH THEM!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then Roe decided to get pissy and Huttel went crazy and they were both kicked out of the game. Well, Garrett, I'd be pissy too if I was -3 for the night and my little boyfriend (Lasch) was -4.

Where's Mitch Ryan when you need him?


The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season's total: 6! (W00000t!)
Points until we equal last season's total: 14! (Ultra W00000t!)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 16!
Jack Connolly: 11! (Eeee! What a great game!!!)
Michael Gergen: 6 (Great chances, and also laid out some violent hits!)
Rob Bordson: 0 (AGAIN had a great game, it's just a matter of time Robbio!)

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 12!
Jack Connolly: 11!
David Grun: 0
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0

On Notice:
Drew Akins (DREW!!! YOU ARE GOING TO SCORE AGAINST CC!! GOT IT???)
Rob Bordson
Andrew Carroll
Jay Cascalenda
Matt Greer
Mike Montgomery
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Jack Connolly
Cody Danberg
Nick Kemp
Evan Oberg
Trent Palm

*a tUMD Touchdown is only 6 points. So named because tUMD had 2 extra points blocked today.

We're Not Mercyhurst!

Hello, everyone! Are you all sleepy from your 4 a.m. jaunts to Walmart for cheap crap that no one wants to receive from you because they already know it's cheap Walmart crap? I'll take a gift receipt, please. Oh, we may have some St. Cloud fans in the hizzy this weekend, so I'll try to make them feel included. Did you enjoy your campout at FleetFarm to get the lastest fashions from Carhart? Something in a coverall, perhaps?

Now, let's talk about the real turkeys: Duh Huskies!!! (Heather, you can stop reading now. It's better this way.)

"St. Cloud State University: you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." Ah, Obi-Wan, you sure do know what you're talking about.

We really laid the hurt down on St. Cloud in the first game of the series. In case you've forgotten, here is the box score and here is my recap. One is informative. The other is not. Guess which one!!!

To recap the recaps, the Connollys Connollied all over the Huskies. There was only one goal that was not either a direct or indirect result of a Connolly, and it was scored by Matt Greer from Andrew Carroll and Trent Palm. I always love goals where random combinations of people score. I mean, yes, Carroll and Greer were on the same line and all, but... well... they're not exactly Bill Watson and Brett Hull. But, it was a very exciting goal and I was very unstressed once they scored. tUMD also went 3/7 on the power play and 6/6 on the penalty kill. Bob Vader tried to pull another Kronick by inserting *itch Ryan onto the 2nd line, but he barely touched the ice (yet managed to be -1 as he was on the ice for the first goal) and only showed up on the stat sheet by taking a boarding penalty.

Some things have changed. St. Cloud swept Denver after Denver swept us. They also split with Wisconsin whereas we only had 1 sad little point. St. Cloud also eked out a few wins against college hockey powerhouse Robert Morris. We took three against perennial bottom-feeder North Dakota. Chris Hepp cut his mullet. *itch Ryan hasn't played since tX.

Some things have stayed the same. St. Cloud still has a terrible power play. They have 1 power play goal in conference play. ONE POWER PLAY GOAL. That is a power play percentage of 2.2%. I'm feeling pretty good about our pk. I always feel good about our PK, especially when Matty Greer is taking care of business out there.

I'm trying to figure out Garrett Roe's status by wading through the SCCC season thread on USCHO (barf) but all I can find is domestic bickering between the cousin/sibling/spouses on there. Okay, something actually posted in the game thread and it appears Roe will be playing despite a BRUISE on his LEFT ARM. REPEAT: A BRUISE ON HIS LEFT ARM. DO YOU READ, ME? OVER. Well, I guess that means there will be two crybabies on the ice instead of just the usual Ryan Lasch. (HEATHER!! I TOLD YOU TO STOP READING!!!)

We need two points this weekend. Sic 'em, Dogs. Stick salute tomorrow night!

RWDzilla

tUMD 2, Ref Whiners 2

First of all, as a sister, I am offended that tying is considered "sister-kissing." There's nothing wrong with family affection. I mean, we're not talking about a tonsil scraping here, but just a nice peck on the cheek. Not that I have kissed my brother since I was probably 4 years old or possibly younger, but I am by no means the yardstick by which people should measure themselves. I am barely taller than a yardstick, for crying out loud.

Last night was a bit of a challenge for me. I was doing okay until something really annoying and un-hockey related set me off. I was staaaaaaaaaaaaaaarving and I had ordered a pizza that was taking forever. It finally arrived right before Travis Oleksuk's penalty, and The Aaaahj went down to get it. Then the phone rang and EVENTUALLY after a few minutes of stoner-talk, I was able to ascertain it was the pizza delivery man-child, telling me he had grabbed the wrong order and would be back in "five minutes." So I had to run back downstairs and grab the Aaaahj DURING A PENALTY KILL and then he wasn't there because he'd gone to the other entrance to the apartment to see if the man-child was there. I RAN back to the apartment and OF COURSE UND had scored and I kicked the door in frustration.

Things escalated.


Then Jacky got kicked out of the game for a check from behind. I threw my cell phone across the room. Not just because of my Jacky, but also because I lost faith that we would come back. I'm sorry, guys. I never should have done that. First tUMD had a great 2 on 1 scoring chance, but in order to break up the 2 on 1, Chris VandeVelde (who has a capital letter in the middle of their name? LOSERS!) took out Andrew Carroll and they both went crashing into the net.

I never cease to be amazed by the North Dakota fanbase. This game was televised, so we all had a great look at the play and I know there was at least one replay. It was the only thing that Vandevelde could do and the right play to make, but IT WAS A PENALTY. And UND fans thought it should be on tUMD. Yes, on a 2 on 1 scoring chance we are going to take a penalty for... trying to score on your team? But, Ben Blood punching Trent Palm repeatedly in the head is something to be lauded and praised. I expect a parade for him thrown once they return to Grand Forks. (P.S. Welcome back Trent, but could you please tone down the penalties?)

It has been my experience that the more someone knows about the game of hockey, the less they complain about the officiating of individual games. That's all I'll say on that note.

Fortunately, on the ensuing power play, we scored to tie the game! I almost had a heart attack when they reviewed the goal. The longer they deliberated about Josh's goal, the more I panicked. And Bruce and Rik weren't helping matters. I knew it was a goal (bless you, Channel 13!) but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't be waved off. We've already experienced that this season.

Some people have commented that tUMD fans acted like we won the game while UND fans acted like we lost, implying that somehow tUMD is bad and our fans are so pathetic we're happy with a tie. I disagree. Obviously our fans were a lot more excited because we were the last team to score, and we were facing a loss with under 2 minutes left in the game. I'm happy with a tie if it means we got a point when we were facing none; what sane person wouldn't be? Oh... I suppose sane would be the operative word here.

All in all, good job to tUMD for never quitting and really hustling in that 3rd period, despite playing the second game in a row down 2 players (if you recall, Cody Danberg and Mike Connolly were both asked to leave the Saturday night game against UW). And Kyle Schmidt, I hope you got a lot of painkillers. How about sending me a photo of your busted cage?

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season's total: 8
Points until we equal last season's total: 18! (Okay, creeping along.)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 14! (Yay!!! Off notice!!)
Jack Connolly: 7 (Argh. Don't wanna talk about it.)
Michael Gergen: 5
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 10
Jack Connolly: 7
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0 (But! Cracked the lineup! And took the penalty that led to the 2nd goal!)
David Grun: 0

On Notice (Step up, guys!):
Drew Akins
Rob Bordson
Jay Cascalenda
Jack Connolly
Jordan Fulton
Matt Greer
Kyle Schmidt
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Andrew Carroll
Cody Danberg
Nick Kemp
Mike Montgomery
Trent Palm