28 February 2010

I'm a Bee!

tUMD 3, Shame On Ice 0

I'm a little sad today after the United States' loss to the Canadians in the gold medal game. I was so pumped up after Parise tied the game and I really, really thought the U.S. could win it. I'm so proud to have those guys represent our country, though! They exceeded everyone's expectations.

Oh yes, the hockey game last night. I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well. Coming down with a cold or something. Blah. No, I'm not hungover. If only.

Yesterday's game was so lovely! I was really excited to 1. get mondo fantasy points and 2. see tUMD get a much-needed and much-deserved win to CLINCH HOME ICE FOR THE PLAYOFFS. Hjelle looked fantastic last night and came up with clutch saves when we needed them.

Let's not talk about the game. Let's talk about something else.


The jerseys (which can be seen here) made the team look somewhat like bumblebees, which inspired the title. Yes, I know the song is terrible, but you better believe I was rocking out to it at the Sports Garden in my bee jersey. Also, I'm not sure why they decided to auction off the jerseys the same night they were being worn. Because, um, gross.

So, I went over before the game to put a bid on a few jerseys. Jacky's was already up to $600 at that point and really, I am weird enough, I cannot be the weird girl who paid $625 for his jersey and then has to go retrieve it and say BY THE WAY I ALSO MAKE UP CUTESY NICKNAMES FOR YOU AND PHOTOSHOP YOUR HEAD ONTO THINGS. No, that cannot happen. Also, please, why would I spend that much on a jersey when there are cheaper ones.

So I bid on Travis Oleksuk's and then I looked at Mike Seidel's and saw that his dad was the current winning bidder, and I wavered a moment before reminding myself that I am a terrible and heartless person and then outbid his dad and then went to my seat.

Just before the second period I went over to the bidding tables again to make another bid. I had been outbid on Oleksuk's and decided to go for Seidel's, where I had also been outbid.

Thus began the longest 15 minutes of my life.

The auction ended at the puck drop, and once the intermission began, the table was swarmed. There were a few people who gave up, but most people were crowded around the table, trying to find the sheet with the jersey that they wanted to bid on, or check on their bids, or find a new jersey if they had been outbid by too much.

It was pretty hilariously ruthless. My 8-year-old friend, who was bidding on Danberg's jersey, employed cuteness as a tactic. Some people just announced extremely high amounts they were willing to bid. I just yelled at people DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I actually did have someone outbid me right in front of me, and then I picked up my pen (I BROUGHT MY OWN PEN) and outbid him by $50. POINT TAKEN. Fortunately that person ended up with a different jersey.

I was pretty much on the verge of passing out standing there guarding my bid. It seemed as though time was standing still, and at one point it sort of was, because The Aaaahj was looking at the scoreboard clock and it stopped moving. THAT WAS NOT COOL, SMITTY. NOT COOL. And then suddenly, miraculously, time expired, and the bidding sheets were swept away, and I WAS TRIUMPHANT. And sweating bullets from the body heat of people crowded around me. Argh.

After the game we paid for our jerseys (which took a long time because of some unpleasantness occurring in front of me) and then we got herded downstairs to some sort of reception area, which was kind of embarrassing because the players were all waiting in a line for us, and we had to pass them in the hallway and they got a good look at the psychos willing to fork over beaucoup bucks for their dirty laundry. Ha. And we all had these dorky signs like we were at the airport that said the name of our player.

Every account I heard said that the players were all very kind, very gracious and very friendly. I expected NOTHING LESS from our players and was presently surprised. I heard a lot of thank yous from the guys as I listened to the buzz in the room. Of course Mike was a very awesome guy, I know that My Guys are totally awesome peeps or else they would not be My Guys. I had him sign my jersey and asked jokingly if it was nice and sweaty for me. I was fortunate as the person next to me received a jersey that was practically dripping with perspiration. Mine was mostly dry. And also had the added bonus of keeping people away from me at the Garden because of its perfume. (Also probably because I was a weird girl in a jersey.) Rumor has it that I got my jersey for a song compared to Mike's RoughRiders jersey, which went for almost $1700. Then I stole a Sharpie marker and left. Because I am a ninja.

26 February 2010

Just a Thought

Hey guys.

I know this losing streak makes us the laughingstock of the league right now, but string some wins together starting tomorrow night, and it won't matter that the referee threw a pick on Huttel, or Jacob Cepis stuck his leg in Hjelle's way when he was trying to make a save on the 3rd goal, or that Don Lucia doesn't know a one-handed shove from a body check. It won't matter that people have taken ill-advised penalties or shot directly into the chest of a defenceman or fanned on open nets. Winning hides a multitude of sins.

By the way: killing that 5 minute penalty was glorious. OUTSTANDING job.

25 February 2010

The Gauntlet: Abbreviated Edition

Oh yes, people, it’s back. The Gauntlet. It’s not in its traditional style, but I am nothing if not accommodating of my victims. It's short, kind of a mini-Gauntlet. A Gauntlette.

Glove-slapped this week is Jupiter, the benevolent dictator at Gopher Puck Live, the premier source of arrogance on the Interwebs!

RWD: Why did you start Gopher Puck Live?

JUP: During the 2003 Frozen Four, both Matt & Kyle Baron [whoever they are] were in Buffalo and the PrideonIce website [GPL’s precursor] went down. There was nothing they could do while on the road, so I used my family website to create a temporary message board for people to use until they got POI back online. But I just decided to keep the site up and running. [Way to use their misfortune to your advantage!]

RWD: Describe GPL for the casual internet surfer.

JUP: It's place to stay updated on Gopher Hockey and a gathering place for Gopher and college hockey fans. [GPL has a message board, blogs, news stories, and Doug Woogisms, among other things.]

RWD: What do you like the most about running the board?

JUP: The interaction with fellow fans. [How heartwarming! *gag*]

RWD: What is the worst part about running the board?

JUP: The constant monitoring of the site to make sure everything is up and running.

RWD: How did it feel to have rumors on GPL spark a statement from the University and Jordan Schroeder? [Fans may remember that after Sam Lofquist left, a power-hungry recluse who shall remain nameless hinted that another player was leaving, and mass hysteria led to the conclusion that Jordan Schroeder was the player leaving.]

JUP: It was embarrassing. But GPL is an open site, so it was only a matter of time until something like that happened.

RWD: Why do you allow shady characters with questionable journalism tactics such as Cardinal write on the site?

JUP: Well.... I have ZERO writing skills [on display right now!], so someone had to do it.

RWD: Is it true that Cardinal et al. slave away for free? Is that even legal?

JUP: Yep... but I will have to refer you to my lawyer on the legality of it. But since he gets in to the games for free, I really don't think he minds all that much. [Jeez, big shots.]

RWD: Do you pay the moderators for their iron-fisted approach toward innocent tUMD fans? [RWD, DHG, and Beersong were recently suspended by GPL Moderator Greyeagle for our attempts to add some fun to the forum.]

JUP: There is no need to pay them. The satisfaction they get from beating on your guys [I don’t believe it ever came to physical violence, at least not in my case. But if it did, we all know that Gophers just turtle and as I’m an honorable lady, I’d have to walk away] is more than enough reward for them. The best part is the main GPL moderator, Greyeagle, went to college at UMD. [And failed out, most likely.]

RWD: You've played a lot of jokes with tUMD fans as you helped DHG with tPB. What are some of the pranks you've pulled, and which one is your favorite?

JUP: Well... we first had the sabotaged tUMD logo with Goldy Gopher making frequent appearances. I've done that one twice. Then last year I made the site look like it was painted with Pepto-Bismol. [It also had little kissy-lips icons] That little prank made it into the Strib Hockey Blog [so four people read about it]... DHG figured out how to fix that [even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes], so I pulled his admin privileges so he couldn't do anything about it. I think he got a bit pissed. This year I went a different direction with the embedded audio file, so the Minnesota Rouser played on every single page on the message board.... It's really hard to pick a favorite, but if I had to do it I would pick the first time I changed the logo. The first time is always the best for anything.

RWD: Why do so many Gopher fans like the Duluth road trip so much?

JUP: I don't know about everyone else, but I like it for many reasons. For one thing it's close to the cities, but not close enough for a home and home so we get to stay the entire weekend. [He means home/away, of course, and those are so stupid.] Having everything you want for a road trip in a few square block radius is awesome too. Hotels, restaurants and many bars are all within a short walk to the DECC. Plus, as long as you are not a jerk [and that’s a gargantuan if], the Bulldog fans are great to hangout with. Quite honestly, I really don't care how well the Gophers perform during our trip up there. We have a great time no matter what. I can't say that is the case for a few other WCHA locations I have visited.

RWD: How did you become a Gopher fan?

JUP: I went to Jefferson High School. When one of my favorite players (Tom Pederson) started playing for the U [He played for Miami?], I wanted to follow his career. [Jupiter = jersey chaser!] I pretty much became a Gopher fan right away.

RWD: What is your favorite moment in Gopher hockey history that you have personally witnessed?

JUP: Oh boy... I wasn't at either of the National Championship games. [What, couldn’t get free tickets so you didn’t go?] So I would have to say the Blake Wheeler overtime winner against UND a few years back to win the Final Five.

RWD: Who are your favorite players, current and all-time?

JUP: Mike Crowley. [Who’s he? He sucks? But srsly, click the link, the song is so badass!] He was just THAT good. [Possibly because he worships Satan.] 157 points in 3 years. That is one point short of the all time record at the U for defensemen. It took current Wild coach Todd Richards 4 years for his 158 points. So the fact the Mike was one point short in only 3 years was amazing. I have yet to have seen a freshman defenceman come in and do what Mike did. [This is the end of this answer, which means he hates all current players. Understandable.]

RWD: Who is the hottest (and by this I mean MOST ATTRACTIVE) Gopher player?

JUP: Terra Rasmussen... I don't like her bleached hair so much, but she looks fairly cute... Next time you should specify the men’s team so I don't have an "out" for that question. However, since you asked, I find Alex Kangas’s ears deliciously sexy.*

RWD: Are you pro- or anti-Don Lucia?

JUP: No comment at this time. [Blah. What a wimp.]

RWD: Who will be the next coach of the Gophers?

JUP: If there is a new coach, I would like to see a younger guy. Maybe Scott Bell [head coach of Hamline and Gopher alumnus] or maybe Tom Ward [head coach of Shattuck-St. Mary’s, Gopher alumnus and former Gopher assistant coach]. I am not a huge Blais guy. [Thousands of UND fans just gasped in shock.]

RWD: Why does FSN allow Woog to broadcast with a blood alcohol level of .18?

JUP: Sorry... Not gonna bite on this one. It's the "Wooger"! [LAMES!]

RWD: How do the Gophers get a win this weekend?

JUP: Luck. [Well, as long as you’ve got a game plan.]

RWD: And how do they lose?

JUP: Just like FireHelmetGuy, they have trouble scoring. It has been their Achilles’ heel all year long. If they can't put up at least 3, they won't win.

RWD: Score predictions?

JUP: Friday 3-2 UM[TC][WRONG], Saturday 5-1 UMD [RIGHT]

*May or may not have actually been said by Jupiter.

24 February 2010

22 February 2010

North Dakota Fans Curiously Silent About Recent Hit to Head

As anyone who reads college hockey blogs knows, North Dakota fans have been very adamant about WCHA leadership adopting tougher penalities for hits to the head. These fans have launched what appeared to be a league-wide campaign against hits to the head, expressing outrage over injuries to their own Chay Genoway as well as Wisconsin's Blake Geoffrion.

In an odd turn of events, UND fans seem reticent to condemn the most recent offender, Corban Knight, for his elbow to the head of Mike Connolly. According to Kevin Pates, Connolly's face was smashed into the glass, and he has a black eye and concussion as a result of the play. One can only assume these fans are regrouping for another attack on the league office after this vicious hit went unpenalized by WCHA officiating tandem CJ Beaurline and Pete Friesema, and will soon be calling for the suspension of Knight.

Here is the penalty. I expect UND fans to demand a suspension.

21 February 2010


Why even write about the disastrous games on Friday and Saturday WHEN THE UNITED STATES HAS JUST BEATEN CANADA IN THE OLYMPICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

14 February 2010

With Love From Me to You

Happy Valentine's Day, Comrades!

12 February 2010

Bee Mine

Just in time for Valentine's Day, word on the street is previously uncommitted Mr. Hockey finalist Cal Decowski has chosen tUMD over the Ivy League. Obviously this must have come upon learning tUMD is the Harvard of the Midwest.

***EDIT this is UNCONFIRMED***


Great Hockey Minds

I will literally do anything to avoid doing more homework. Except, evidently, dismantling the Christmas tree. Sigh.

Thanks to a heads-up from Donald at the UAA Fan Blog, I learned the WCHA announced the 2009-2010 Scholar-Athletes. There are two separate kinds of academic recognition in the WCHA and I can't remember the name of the other kind, so someone help me out.

A Scholar-Athlete must first of all had at least one year at their current institution (meaning no transfers or freshmen) and must have maintained a 3.5 GPA either overall or for the previous 2 semesters or 3 quarters (there are still schools on quarters? DA is always asking me what I am taking "this quarter" and I'm always like "Dad, you were in college 30 years ago, no one has quarters anymore." Of course, the school I attend has trimesters, which are the wave of the future.)

tUMD's Scholar-Athletes are:
Rob Bordson (Accounting)
Brady Hjelle (Accounting)
Kenny Reiter (Finance)
Kyle Schmidt (Statistics and Actuarial Science)

Bordo, Kenny, and Kyle are all "repeat offenders." A standing ovation to these 4 guys, as those aren't blow-off majors either. I know this because the homework I am avoiding involves BOTH accounting AND finance. It does not, however, involve statistics, praise Parise.

Also, as a teaching point, an actuary uses math and statistics to assess financial and insurance risk. Hello to my auntie and my cousin, who are both actuaries.

11 February 2010

Mr. Hockey Finalists

Player (High School, College Commitment)
Mark Alt (Cretin-Derham Hall, UMTC)
Joey Benik (Saint Francis, SCSU)
Nick Bjugstad (Blaine, UMTC)
Cal Decowski (Andover, tUMD)
Max Gardiner (Minnetonka, UMTC)
Caleb Herbert (Bloomington Jefferson, tUMD)
Justin Holl (Minnetonka, UMTC)
Christian Isackson (Saint Thomas Academy, UMTC)
Adam Krause (Hermantown, tUMD)
Brock Nelson (Warroad High School, UND)

Congratulations, guys! Glad to see two three Bulldog recruits in the mix!

10 February 2010

Dear Drew, Vol. 4

Hey guys! Sorry I'm late with the blog this week. I took a few days off after my trip to the Yoop. xxoo, Drew

Dear Drew,

We are a couple of your biggest fans, and we think it’s great that you write not one, but two blogs! However, we happen to like one a heck of a lot more than the other. In your advice column, you are a lot more fun than you are over at the UMD athletics blog. We want to hear more interesting stuff than generic stuff we already know. We already know that off-weeks are good for healing. We want to know how the ping-pong tournament is going, and what you thought of winter carnival! Also, you might want to brush up on your “their/there/they’re usage.” I am sure if you ask Kyle Schmidt he can proof-read. We’re still big fans though!

A Couple of Short People

Dear Short People,

You are so right. I tried to ask Kyle if I had made any grammar errors but he was busy calculating Chad Huttel's insurance risk. It is very high. I will try to improve, although I really do like to save my best material for RWD and then I am out of ideas. I don't know how she has done it for six seasons. Also, I promise to buy both of you a pitcher of Kamikazes at the Sports Garden. Both strawberry banana, one with no ice.



Dear Drew,

Last weekend I was very upset. See, I'm a fan of a bad hockey team. Like, really bad. And they actually won a game. So I invested in a certain cleaning implement, because I thought it might be necessary the next day. And then it wasn't. I wasn't sure how to dispose of it properly, so I broke it and threw it on the ice. Apparently that was incorrect, and my team was given a penalty. Then I vomited for three hours. That may have been unrelated to the broom. Anyway, what is the proper way to dispose of a broom?

Man Without a Shirt

Dear Man Without a Shirt

First, please, stop taking your shirt off. It's scary. Second, throwing the broom on the ice was very dangerous. I could have picked it up and beaten you with it. Ricky Retardo could have skated over it and fallen. Third, we are in a recession. And you live in Michigan. That was very irresponsible. If you had saved the receipt you could have returned it. Or even without the receipt, you could have gotten store credit.



Dear Drew,

A few months ago, I did something bad during a hockey game. See, I got burned by a player. And that made me look bad. Well, I mean, a lot of things make me look bad. None of them are my fault, of course. Anyway, things happened, my elbows might have gotten away from me... accidentally, of course. I mean, my team never takes penalties and never does anything wrong. But we are playing this team again, and I am scared. They have some big guys on their team. I am not used to this as pretty much everyone on my team goes as limp as a dishrag every time play gets remotely physical. What should I do to stay safe this weekend?

Windows and Doors

Dear W & D,

This upsets me greatly. "Accidental" elbows are not the Akins way. The Akins way is generally a cross-check to the back or a giant hip check into the boards followed by a cross-check to the back when they are down. To the BACK, W & D. Not the HEAD. What are you, stupid? You should probably just take it like a man, although I am sure you are unaware of what that means. Just do what your little teammates would do and turtle.


All right, folks, have a great week! Thanks for the letters!

09 February 2010

A Fable

tUMD 3, Carnies 2

Ladies and gentlemen: the emperor has no clothes.

Ok, ok, I know, that's not very nice, and yes it was a win, but SERIOUSLY GUYS that made me unhappy. Biddco blames the cowbell I gave him. I don't think that's possible, but I am not willing to test the theory. Wins are too precious.

"Drew" has been a little lazy this off-week and will have his column up soon. Let's do Numbers and call it a day.

My Guys
Jack Connolly: 39
Brady Lamb: 15
Mike Seidel: 10

Dylan Olsen: 11
Mike Seidel: 10
Wade Bergman: 5
Keegan Flaherty: 2
Dan Delisle: 1
Jake Hendrickson: 1
Drew Olson: 1

Jacky: 39
Mikey: 31

Drew: 1
Dylan: 11

Olson: 12
Akins: 49

On Notice
Cody Danberg
Dan Delisle
Keegan Flaherty
Mike Montgomery
Dylan Olsen
Drew Olson

Goals Only
Jack Connolly (AAAAAAGH!)
Scott Kishel
Travis Oleksuk
Mike Seidel

06 February 2010

Carnival Carnage

tUMD 1, Carnies 3

Last night, I had the following text conversation with a friend who I will call "TC." And no, not the Twins mascot, sadly. I don't think he can text as he is a bear.

TC: What's happening??????
RWD: Armageddon.

Ok, it's really not that bad. This may blow the minds of the entire collective consciousness of this world, but I'm not even that upset about it. In part because my best friend is a Michigan Tech fan, and in part because I just feel so badly for Michigan Tech's players and the seasons they have had. But also there's just nothing specific to get enraged about. From what I understand, we got lucky with the refereeing as Fulton's penalty could very well have been a fiver. I suppose the angriest I was during the game was when Ciskie made it sound like it was a five minute penalty and then went to commercial break. Thank goodness for Kevin Pates' live blog, or I would not have known it was only a two.

Actually that is a lie because the angriest I was during the game was the first 10 minutes or so when the Interwebs were malfunctioning and I could not get the game feed on either WDAX or pasty.net. And really, one has to be desperate to type www.pasty.net into their browser.

I don't have any Numbers right now, but other than On Notice there isn't anything to update. Bleah.

05 February 2010

Hell Hath No Fury

This story features THE GREATEST LIE EVER TOLD. See if you can spot it!

I'm really angry. A lot. I don't know if it's obvious to you. I guess if you can't tell, there's probably something wrong with you. I get mad about a lot of stuff. In college, I screamed at my roommate once when I was watching the Twins play and they were losing to the White Sox and she said "Ha ha!" I also punched a door after tUMD lost the Frozen Four game. I was really mad about the Vikings too, and Dirty said he wasn't upset about it because he expected it, and I Internet-yelled "DO YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?"

I can't help it. It's genetic. I have eaten COD soaked in LYE. I will eat you for breakfast.

I'm pretty sure I'm in some sort of upper echelon of rage-filled individuals. Sort of a reverse-Twinkie. I wanted to check, though, so I asked the elite of college hockey how they felt. Some people, like Bruce Ciskie, did not want go on record with their rage. Don't worry, Bruce. You do that all by yourself EVERY WEEKEND. Some people, like Goddard, were too lame to even acknowledge my email! However, Goddard is in some sort of blood feud with Mike Chambers so he has probably gone to the mattresses.

Who are these elite individuals?
Badger Backer, former author of The Wisconsin Hockey Blog (UW, "
Also, I shamelessly say the Minnesota Wild only if they are good.")
Biddco, tUMD student and banana (tUMD, and some other non hockey-sports he erroneously listed)
Donna Carpenter, (that's me, you idiots!) (tUMD, Wild, Les Habitants)
Dirty's Diatribe (UND)
Donald Dunlop, UAA Hockey Fan Blog (UAA
, "Pronounced 2010 WCHA Final Five Champions.")
Brandon, Sioux Yeah Yeah! (UND, Air Force, Wild)
Goon, Goon's World (UND, Bruins, Wild)
Ryan Lambert, The Two-Line Pass (Calgary, UMass-Lowell)
MeanEgirl, who did not want to be affiliated with her blog (Detroilet, Michigan Tech, UAA, "maybe another team in Duluth.")
Roy Mahlberg, Wild Puck Banter (Wild, "2010 NCAA Champion Bulldogs")
Theresa Spisak, USCHO Columnist (
BU, Air Force, the WCHA, Avs, Kamloops Blazers)
Jeremy Waschek, Minny View (tUMD, Wild)

Joe Yerdon, Gross Misconduct Hockey (RPI, Oswego State, Detroilet "I know... 'Booooo!' Whatever, eat me.")

First, since I'm concerned with scientific methods, I took a baseline assessment of everyone involved. This will tell how angry a person is in general. I mean, if someone says they would describe their hockey rage as a 400, it's not very telling. I mean, what if they are a 399 on average? Or a 2? Exactly. I used a scale of 1 to infinity, because I don't want to be limiting. So, to start off with, I am about a 7000. On a scale of 1 to 10, that's probably a 7. At hockey games, I'm probably an 8000 unless we are winning by about 5 goals. Ryan said he was a 6.5, and is the anomaly of the group as he is actually a 0 or 1 at hockey games, which is a huge swing from 6.5. I don't know if this is possible, although he did say the angriest he'd been at a game is infinity. That's my answer too. More on that later. Dirty said he's a 4, and at games he's a 5, with the angriest being a 15. MEg pointed out that, mathematically speaking, if the end of the scale is infinity, any number might as well be 0. She said 2 or 4, and at games she is numbed into a 1. That's very sad. She said she's been as angry as 85/100 at a game. Goon stated he was between a 2 and a 3, unless driving, politics, or Brad Childress was involved. For hockey games, he said a 5, getting all the way up to a 10+. Roy is a calm fella, clocking in at 1.5 on a regular basis with 3 at hockey games, and an unlucky 13 as his cap. Joe is a 5 normally, gave no numerical answer for his hockey game rage, but did say he maxed out at infinity. Donald used many significant figures in his answers; he's a 2.3333 on average, dips down to at 2.0015 at hockey games, and reaches an apex of 2.49. Geist did not provide a numerical answer for his baseline assessment, but did place it "
somewhere between angry and uncontrolled rhino rage," so you can just imagine that. He's a 3/10 at games (which hardly seems possible) but has made it all the way up to "infant throwing." Theresa is at about a 2000 (not sure how that compares to rhino rage), zooms down to a 10 at games as she works for a "neutral publication," but tops the charts as our angriest person at infinity plus one! Badger Backer is a 5 (which makes sense, considering his profession), rises to an 8 at hockey games, and has been known to reach 1000. Biddco is a 3, then a 2, then explodes to infinity when things get really bad. And finally, Jeremy did not give ANY numerical answers. Seriously, people. READ THE DIRECTIONS.

The angriest I've ever been at a hockey game was at the MN High School State Tournament. My high school was playing in... either the 3rd place game or the semi-finals. I don't remember which game it was. (This was 12 years ago.) A goal was disallowed. I had to be forcibly restrained by my friend. Who is 6'7". And two other dudes, too.

Rather than attempt another insanely long paragraph, let's go to direct quotations for everyone else's Angriest Moments in Hockey History.

"You will note above that I am a Lowell supporter and alumnus, and as such once attended a little game called the 2009 Hockey East Championship game. You can look that up on YouTube (
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnibxyJAu8w). I don't want to get too far into it because it's the only hockey event that still makes me upset to this day, so I'll say it was so obviously a goal as to not even be questioned and that the league negligently mishandled the situation during the game and immediately after it, and leave it at that. You cannot believe how badly I reacted to this."

"Don Adam decided breaking a guy's neck was A-OK."

UND 'scored' a goal that never really happened... and everyone in the Ralph knew it. It bounced off the post. NEVER went in. Mason signaled it a goal. EVERYONE in the arena was confused. They showed the replay of the 'goal' on the Jumbotron, like they do with every Sioux goal... except they didn't show it three times like normal... They showed it ONCE and then realized.... UH OH.... My entire team and Coach Russell were pointing at the Jumbotron, 'LOOK UP THERE.' Meanwhile, Mason kept repeating, 'I can't.'"

Probably the most upset I have been this season was watching DU get six straight power plays and UND having to kill off these calls. One play the ref called the DU player for a penalty and then the ref put a Fighting Sioux hockey player in the box. Half of the penalties were of the very weak variety and in a few instances the refs overlooked a DU penalty and then called a penalty on UND. I was at the end of my rope during that game. I have never seen a game so one sided in my 30+ years of watching hockey for that game I was at 9. The bush league Marvin hit on Genoway and the Paukovich hit on Robbie Bina were some of the dirtiest plays that I have ever witnessed in hockey. I was pretty upset during both of these games. I am still upset about the hit on Genoway both instances I would say '10+'."

The Bulldogs got hosed in the 1984 NCAA Championship. Bowling Green tied the game on an offsides dump-in that careened off the back boards in the worst bounce ever seen. Kosti was behind the net and got scored on."

cumbag Claude Lemieux destroyed Kris Draper's already unattractive face in 1996. Dino Ciccarelli will always be my homeboy for what he said after that series ended and that 1997 team that punked out Colorado in the regular season and playoffs will always be my favorite.

A close second for me would be ECAC Quarterfinals Game 2 last year between RPI and Cornell. RPI won game one 1-0 then leading Cornell coach Mike Schafer to whine and cry in the postgame about how RPI is a cheap and dirty team and that penalties should be called no matter what. Schafer scared the refs for the next night so badly with his fat mouth that he was suspended by the ECAC for Game 2 but RPI was dinged for 19 penalties leading them to stay on the PK all night and getting obscenely outshot and losing only 4-0 or something like that. Cornell will never be a respected opponent in my eyes because their coach is a fat whiner and because of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PnJ-KfBIkw. Not only did Taylor Davenport milk the hit for all it was worth but Cornell left the ice without a handshake. D*****bags. Cornell hockey's motto: Take the fall, act injured, get indignant. Don't be too surprised if that ends up on a Photoshop in the future. OK so maybe I am still angry about that. Nevermind, move that to the top of the list because it's about everything that ISN'T hockey. Taking dives, whining incessantly and being rewarded for it. Yup, bag full o' *****."

UNH fans cheering against the Sioux in the '08 Frozen Four to piss me off."

It was thanks to one of my own club games in college. Without going into many details, it was after a game with Bates in February 2003 and I ended up breaking the glass on one of the doors into the rink. If you only mean games watched... I couldn't tell you except that it probably had to do with the Avs when I was super Avs fan extraordinaire back in high school."

When UMD lost to Tech earlier this year. I didn't want to wear an opposing team's jersey to the game. Didn't want to have people giving me crap about it. Also when UMD scored their first goal in 240 minutes of game against at UND in 2008, and then went on to lose that game in OT. I wanted that win so bad because I hate the Sioux so much. I thought we had a chance to win that game. [I know, totally, they blew the whistle WAY too late, we had the puck covered.]"

Walked out of the DECC after a game v. DU and yelled out a big ol 4-letter word that I'm not proud of. Rather ashamed of that incident, because there were kids around. (Hope my mom doesn't read this.) [Uh, pretty sure NO ONE reads this.] Spent a good amount of money to make a weekend of UMD hockey a few years after I left school. Gas, tix to both games, hotel for 2 nights, beer, etc. Dogs were run out of the building on Friday night, and Saturday was a good game that eventually went into OT. Of course DU won, and the weekend of frustration built up and culminated with that OT loss. I let it go as soon as we got out of the doors into the parking lot, and pretty much top of my lungs. My friend said 'Hey, there's kids around' and I felt small."

Anger about hockey isn't always focused on the ice sheet. Sometimes, it's our fellow fans that make us angry. Then we have those incidents like hockey dads killing each other and stuff. I can't think of the angriest I've been at a game. I was really angry when that chick threw up behind me in the stands. And I was really angry at stupid jerk Bruce Raboin and his ugly red face. That's probably the angriest I have been, because he was so immature, and he was trying to start fights with people for no reason other than he is a *****. Not everyone has had so many lovely experiences with other fans, but a few other people chimed in.

"The only thing I can think of at the moment is a visit to the National Hockey Center. These two stupid SCSU fans came over to us and tried to steal our stuff. This was the infamous weekend where DormRat got arrested, but those two douchewagons (can I say that here?) [I guess] did not need to try and steal our stuff!! It makes me angry thinking about it! I'm also reminded of some ***** that tried to steal my jersey at Blue Bricks in Mankato. It was sitting on the table next to me and she tried to make off with it. Looking back on it now, I dealt with that situation in the wrong way... I think I was just in such shock that someone would try to do that! If I could do it all over again, I would've made a scene. UGH! It makes my blood boil thinking about it! Sorry about the tangent. DON'T TAKE MY STUFF, PEOPLE. I don't like it!"

There were a couple morons behind me at the last game that kept putting his foot on my chair and he was kicking me. If he had been a little older I would have had a chat with him but it wasn’t worth it, I didn't need to get into an altercation with the kids dad. They don’t usually sit there so they won’t be back. The kid was so obnoxious that it took all of my patient to not strangle him."

"I've also been angry at people sitting around me, explaining the game to non-hockey people. Explaining the game incorrectly and/or pointing out things that aren't anywhere close to being accurate. Happens in other WCHA rinks a lot."

Some stupid fat Northern Michigan fan told me to go back to the Engelstad and I told her I would love to so I could watch real hockey. She then said I could watch Denver beat the Sioux in the Frozen Four again. I was like that was 3 years ago, honey."

Badger Backer
After waiting in line for 10 minutes, the food staff gave me a hot dog instead of a bratwurst. I ate it anyway, and it was delicious, but it still made me angry."

I can't remember specifics, but it was the sheer idiocy of how my friends and I were treated at the opposing rink by the other team's fans. I expected crap from people when I wore an opposing team's jersey, but still."

involves me losing a bet to wear a Tech jersey at a UMD game."

There was one time at a UMD v. UND playoff game at REA when the Dogs were getting it handed to them by the Sioux, and 2 random NoDak fans were holding their keys up in the air and jingling them. I was all confused and we kept asking them what it meant. Finally they said 'Better go start your cars...' More lame than anything, but enough to raise my blood pressure."

Finally, there's the sport itself. The last question I asked examined the sport on a macro level. I asked, "What makes you angriest about hockey?" I hate it when I see a player who is unwilling to make a check. There's a cheer tPB has done in the past that goes "Hit Somebody! Anybody! HARD!" For me, that's not a cheer. It's a vehement expression of infinite frustration. I also get angry when I'm watching or listening to a game online and technology stops working. Especially at key moments in a game. Or like right now, when a game is about to START.

"No one in a position of any authority will listen to my brilliant suggestions."

Dirty gave me a rundown of some of his angry moments.
1. I told [this] woman [who told him to sit down at a game] to "Shut the f*** up and sit the f*** down". That was eight years ago and she hasn't been back for another game.
2. After being swept by Michigan Tech, I punched a concession stand grate and nearly broke my hand.
3. After losing a game to Michigan Tech, I didn't talk for an entire day.
4. After losing to Michigan Tech, I broke a megaphone by whipping it at a wall.
5. I nearly punched Boosh when he taunted me about how crappy UND played at the F5.
6. I left my sick dad at the arena with no ride home during the WJC in 2005.
7. I threatened to murder every single WCHA ref and their families.
8. I was called Tourettes for my profanity laced tirades.

"Fans. Stupid fans. Ignorant fans."

"When the refs don’t call the obstruction, hooking and holding and let teams hook and hold up and down the ice, then in the last minute of the game start calling the game tight, ala Jon Campion."

"The brutal mismanagement that goes on in the NHL and the forced second-class treatment it gets from any and all major media outlets. Even out here on the east coast where there's more than enough college hockey to go around, games get backend of the report treatment behind everything else. High school hockey also exists out here but you'd never know it. It's f***ing weak as hell - that's why we're here on the Internet shouting from the floors of our parents' basement."

"What makes you angriest about hockey? The shortness of the games. They should be 5 or 6 hours long an are usually less than half of that? If games were as long as they should be I know my team would go undefeated at home."

"Fans that have no idea what the f*** they are talking about. Learn the f***ing game you dips*** retards."

Badger Backer
"When my team scores [fewer] goals than the opposing team at the conclusion of a game."

"Defensemen who don't know how to play defense. Really, covering the backdoor is like D 101. That, and defensemen who are solidly in the negative of plus/minus being hailed as great defensemen. A good defensemen is solidly in the positive and doesn't need to score 30 goals. Keep the damn puck away from the net. It's not that freaking hard to cover your guy. If I can manage it in a drop-in game against guys who are twice my size, guys on scholarship/getting paid to play hockey certainly can. And the fact that I ranted about it tells you it angers me."

"If it is a game we should have won, but didn't, because of something that screwed us, I will be very upset."

"UMTC broadcasters."

I asked the WCHA fans which referees made them angriest? Adam, none, Schmidt, Campion, Anderson, Adam, they all suck, Adam, Campion and Thul because of this game (gee, I wonder who said that... Someone who is not smart enough to know that the Gophers have their own tournament FOR EXACTLY THIS REASON), all of them except for Derek Shepherd and Marco Hunt but especially Anderson and Adam, Mason, and one for Don Koharski.

I also allowed everyone to freestyle, in case anyone wanted to "flow futuristic." I recused myself, since I am always on the jazz here. We got some interesting results, and some abstentions. We had actual rapping, as seen below.

I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
To the hip hip hop, a you don't stop
The rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie
To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat
Now what you hear is not a test--I'm rappin' to the beat
And me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to move your feet

Now I hate every ref, because they all make stupid calls.
If you do disagree, you best watch as I'll kick you in the balls
Le-ah is a dumb b*tch, who just likes Canada
I say she is a traitor and needs to go to hell
When I see her next, she had best watch out
For I make idle threats, ever so well

Then we had cop-outs.
"I would like to apologize for not having been a better subject for this line of questioning. I have thoughts and opinions on the sport but tend not to get upset about it." Well, lah-de-freakin'-dah.
Badger Backer "
The numbers would have been much higher if the query was regarding frustration rather than rage. I think they are very difficult emotions to separate, because I can barely remember any times I was enraged while my team was winning by a lot and playing great."
Jeremy "
You'd think I'd have more Wild bits in this, especially since I attempt to write a blog mostly about them. Must be they've not had very much to play for in terms of meaningful games in their 10-year existence. Actually... THAT makes me kind of angry..."

And some people who were just too angry. (Like me! Yeah! We're soulmates!)
Joe "
I wasn't really an angry fan before filling out your survey and I can safely say now that my stomach is twisted in knots, I've shot a nasty look at the pets and I think I need a smoke. I don't even smoke but now I'm fired up and angry after mining through my memories. So in closing: Suck it."
Brandon "
Hockey is my love and passion, but Jesus Christ it pisses me the f*** off sometimes. Dirty makes me happy though, so that can sometimes balance it out."
I'm good. Don't send me hate mail thanks to my column (or this). I love working for USCHO, but really, I don't get paid enough pour my heart and soul and time and effort into the damn thing week after week. If it were my full-time job ... things would be different. So cut me some freaking slack, will you? However, I've been much happier since I quit reading the comments week after week and rarely check my work e-mail, so maybe it doesn't matter anyway."

And LIES! Filthy lies!
Donald "
I do sometimes get mildly perturbed when a puck refuses to go into the net as it's been told to. I really don't appreciate ungrateful pucks. I mean, you know ... you raise them up from shredded pieces of latex and subject them the finest vulcanization processes and lovingly store them in a bucket full of ice; and then they repay you with deliberate disobedience? That really torques me. I can forgive them for banging the post. I mean, if i were a puck I'd be all about doinking some sweet red iron and in those cases they did actually get past the goaltender. So I can forgive them for that. But in cases where they just go into a glove or get deflected to a corner or they just decide to miss entirely... I can often be heard harshly chastising them with a resounding, 'Bad Puck!' And sometimes I'll even roll my eyes."

And then, finally, some random things.
MeanEgirl "
I like dogs."

Josh Harding

This is not tUMD, I know, but this save is RIDICULOUS.

01 February 2010

Dear Drew, Vol. 3

That's right, it's Monday again, and that means it's time for DEAR DREW!!!

Dear Drew,

I'm trying to quit smoking. However, it's very hard to do. First of all, I'm ugly, which is stressful. Second of all, my team keeps getting screwed over by the referees. I mean, really. Is it my fault that other players' heads get in the way of my players' elbows? And the games are so long because the referees will not listen to my tireless efforts to educate them on how the game was played? Do you have any advice on how to quit?


Dear Sloth,

Perhaps you could take those extremely long games and use them as your first several hours of "cold turkey" quitting. Or do you go out of arena during intermissions to smoke? Shouldn't you try to, like, coach your team? And possibly figure out that when the NCAA called head shots a "point of emphasis," they did not mean they wanted more of them? Smoking is a filthy habit that could kill you. Hm... on that thought... continue.



Dear Drew,

People are always asking me to things. For example, hug their children, or take a photo, or spin my head. Why can't people just leave me alone? I am not happy! What is there to be happy about at the sports games I attend?


Dear GTG,

You need professional help. I have the number for a good suicide hotline. It's 1-800-UGOPHER.



Dear Drew,

I find it very hard to be happy. Even when my team is doing well (meaning, the second half of most seasons, except this one), something just doesn't feel right. Please help me.

Uncomfortably yours,

Dear Hak,

Wow, there sure are a lot of depressed people out there. However, next time, try to remove the wire hanger from your coat before you put it on. That should help.