The Gauntlet: Rube Edition

Yes, yes, finally, I'm done, whatever. Blah. Here's this week's gauntlet with Gopher Uber-Rube (that's an anagram!) Brenthoven.

RWD: So, I hear the Gophers are BACK!!!!!!!!! [This was Brent’s status after the Gophers swept UMass. They’re 3-6-3. Quite the, um, formidable opponent.]

Brent Hoven: They're lurking, waiting to pounce.

RWD: No, I heard they were BACK!!!!!! You said so yourself. [There’s no turning back! Once it’s on Facebook, it’s forever!]

BH: That night they were. They slaughtered their prey. Now they wait... possibly in a couple days' time they will pounce again.

RWD: Maybe if they're allowed to ride scooters. [Yeah Budish!]

BH: Only if they are on their way to a doctor's appt for mono. [Holla Bjugstad!]

RWD: They should stop kissing each other. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but they're spreading germs. [Really, guys, save it for the off-season.]

BH: We're just too in love with ourselves. We have no equal. [We?]

RWD: I think Sacred Heart might be your equal.

BH: Stop messing around. They don't even have a team. [They do, barely.]

RWD: Well, then, Holy Cross.

BH: Alms for the poor, that is what that was. Kind of fitting, given the school and all.

RWD: I'm sure that is how you felt. [The Gophers have been very charitable of late, then.]

BH: Actually, I felt nothing. I fell into a deep coma, and woke up the next season. It was rather serene.

RWD: Did you feel that way last Saturday night? [When the Gophers were swept by Mankato State!]

BH: Close. The infamous Mankato Meltdown scale was talked about, but it never really topped 3. [Is it on a scale of 0-3? Brent thinks people know about these things he makes up, but really only the voices in his head know.]

RWD: Did you go to the games? [Rhetorical question.]

BH: I choose to spend my money wisely. I choose to not rub elbows with the corpies. It's a terrible thing happening to Mariucci [we’re talking about Mankato, right?], and other schools are now also falling into that trap. tDECC will soon succumb with their snappy new arena, too. Just watch.

RWD: Oh, yeah, that Mankato Civic Center. So corporate. [I asked if he went to the games last weekend! Not any games ever! Although the answer is still no.]

BH: Mankato is another school where I'm surprised they still have a team. And you're saying tDogs are the same as Mankato? [This is like talking to Biddco. Or a brick wall.]

RWD: No. [Good gravy, he is not smart.] I'm saying I asked you if you went to the games, you started whining about corporate sell-outs, and I pointed out THE GAME WAS IN MANKATO.

BH: So? I seguewayed [A chill went down my spine at this horrible spelling error] a bit.

RWD: Segued.

BH: Fine, Little Miss Journalism.

RWD: That's Ms.

BH: Ok Gloria Steinem. [Is that supposed to be an insult? It’s not!]

RWD: I don't understand why you wouldn't want to attend hockey games. You could still go, with a bag over your head. [Sort of Charlie Brown-like. They’re both bald!]

BH: That would be showing shame. That is unacceptable. I'm not a Techie.

RWD: Brent, it's pride comes before a fall, not after.

BH: Pride is always there. It's how you view it, and display it. [Hm, yes, the Gophers displayed a lot of pride losing to… oh, everyone.]

RWD: Okay then. Does MNS also have pride in the Gophers?

BH: MNS needs to come out of the closet and admit he's a Gopher fan first. [Two separate events?]

RWD: Very true. Why someone would travel to Houghton to see the Gophers play when their alleged own team is clinching the MacNaughton is beyond comprehension.

BH: It is. I think he was after one of the legendary Tech 5s.

RWD: Tech 5s?

BH: The Scale of Hotness (for females) is adjusted for the MTU student body. For example, if a female from MN is rated a "3" here, she would rate a "5" at MTU. This is due to the lack of females at the school. [Oh. Another stupid scale that no one but Brent knows about.]

RWD: Okay. So it was even more of a delusional trip than I originally thought! [Like MNS could get a “Tech 5.” Or a “Tech 1.” Or even a “Tech –i”]

BH: It's the UP. It's like one big bad acid trip. [I would never describe it that way. This is an acid trip.]

RWD: I see. Well, enough about MNS. Geist is your best friend. Does that make you want to commit suicide?

BH: He makes me feel good about being me. Not only is he a lowly Sioux fan, but he's a loud obnoxious faux-violent [He is faux-violent! He's always talking about hammer-punching people but has never actually thrown a hammer-punch.] man. I'm an angel compared to him. [The Angel of Death, perhaps.]

RWD: Aha, I see. How Mean Girl of you.

BH: Interesting viewpoint on your part.

RWD: Why do you call yourself the Rube?

BH: It was a fitting name bestowed upon me by my friends. It just kind of caught on, like most other nicknames. So I ran with it. [This is a terrible, failing explanation.]

RWD: Why do you refer to yourself in the third person when you tag yourself in Facebook photos? [He always says things like "The Rube and friends." Well, he doesn't have any friends, that was just an example.]

BH: I thought we covered this. I'm a Gopher fan, and therefore arrogant.

RWD: Like Roman Augustovitz. [Chuck's pet peeve is Roman's habit of tweeting and referring to himself as "Eye." Maybe he just doesn't know how to spell "I."]

BH: Or Herschel Walker.

RWD: We're talking about hockey here. Are you going to the games this weekend? [Rhetorical question.]

BH: I am not. I can never make the Fri games on time, and on Sat I will be celebrating a friend's birthday (although I will be watching). [He has more excuses than Don Lucia.]

RWD: You can't make the Friday game? Is that because you are a forklift jockey?

BH: That would be correct. I refuse to be the jackbag who shows up in the middle of the second period to take my seat.

RWD: You wouldn't have a seat.

BH: If I had a ticket, I'd have a seat somewhere.

RWD: Forklift jockeys can only have standing room only.

BH: That's odd. I've never had SRO. I think someone could sell you a bridge in SF [Sioux Falls?] with your thinking. [They don't take checks, Brent.] Or a tUMD National Title.

RWD: Why would I buy one when we're mere months from coming by one honestly?

BH: Ah, the hope of youth. So eternal, so foolish.

RWD: Better than being old and a top candidate for the Bosley Hair Restoration System.

BH: Depends on who you ask.

RWD: No. It doesn't.

BH: Sure it does. If you're asking me, I'm proud of myself. If you ask someone else, that answer will differ. They probably wouldn't be proud of me. So it does indeed depend on who you ask.

RWD: Good lord. Is this an after school special?

BH: Only if we can get some gold stars.

RWD: Are you going to drink Kangas Kool-Aid or Patterson Punch this weekend?

BH: I think I'm gonna switch it up. KK one night, and PP on the other.

RWD: PP, huh? [Well, it is sterile. Like Brent, we can only hope.]

BH: The PP, yes. Something that both teams have trouble with. tUMD can't stop one from what I hear, [only late in games] and MN has been in a slump with theirs.

RWD: I wouldn't worry. We get shorthanded goals.

BH: And love OT.

RWD: We get it done in regulation, too.

BH: As seen by your record, sure.

RWD: You really cheer for some terrible teams. I mean, besides the Gophers, there's the Devils and the Bills. Do you have a mental illness?

BH: Well, the Devils are in a bad way right now, but it's hard to argue they haven't been successful in the last 15 years (3 titles). The Bills? They're just the Vikings with less mob mentality fans. [This is a reason to cheer for a team?]

RWD: Why would anyone choose to be a Bills fan? Are you also a fan of the LA Clippers?

BH: A. Grew up watching the great Jim Kelly strive and survive. Hard-working Irishman. And there were others there that I admired for their dedication and heart. B. Bouncyball is terrible. The team game is pretty much gone. When the Celtic's Big Three (+ One) retired, I was done with the sport.

RWD: I see. If you like players with dedication and heart, why would you watch Gopher hockey?

BH: They have heart. Sometimes you may not see it, but they have it. There are always a few bad apples on every team, sure, but you have to look at the big picture.

RWD: Oh, that's even better. Players that have heart but choose not to use it. Better make John Hill the head coach.

BH: Nice spin, Doc. Sometimes a fan sees the tree, and not the forest. [What are you, Mr. Miyagi? A tree? Well, I'd call Helgeson a traffic cone, but ok, we'll go with tree.] Sometimes a player who seems to not have heart, is just being bested by superior player. And fire Hill.

RWD: There will be much besting of the Gophers by superior players this weekend.

BH: I thought tUMD was in Duluth, and not that dirty town to the east?

RWD: Lowercase "s."

BH: Figured you typo'd. [Never!]

RWD: No. Who are your favorite players on this Gopher, um, "team?"

BH: I like Cepis a lot, even though he's been quiet lately. Obviously a big fan of Kangas Khan and St. Pat. I do have high hopes for Serratore, he's shown some sparks.

RWD: The name Cepis is so gross. It sounds like a disease.

BH: Then refer to him as Cap'n Chirp.

RWD: [This gets confusion because I read it as "they" not "then."] No they don't, it's Papa Chirp, which is so stupid. They should call him the Dive Captain. [Like a submarine. Because their ship is going down!]

BH: I didn't say they referred to him as Cap'n Chirp. I say you should refer to him as such. [Okay, Such.] And I have to admit he embellishes. He's no Robbie Earl though. [Because Robbie Earl at least had a future in professional hockey.] Not even close. He's not a big guy. Doesn't take much to knock him down. [Oh, he's a gigantic wimp.]

RWD: I thought it was a typo.

BH: No.

RWD: I see. I will refer to him as Sepsis. Or Septic Tank. Or Seepage.

BH: You can go right ahead. [I don't need your permission, Brent.]

RWD: Or also "That kid who just got flattened by Dan DeLisle/Dylan Olsen/Brady Lamb/Mike Connolly/his own teammates/me."

BH: Olsen only valid on what, Sat?

RWD: Friday.

BH: Ok, knew it was only one day.

RWD: Why would it be Saturday only? That makes no sense.

BH: I have no idea. Why is it only one night to begin with?

RWD: We aren't the Hostile and Abusives. He didn't throw a lawn mower or get a DUI. He is going to the Team Canada tryouts.

BH: Ah. I usually don't delve into the series at hand until Wed night at the very earliest. Usually it's Thu night. [Apparently Brent doesn't have the time to type out whole days.]

RWD: Well the WJCs are a big deal.

BH: Yep. It tires the Gophers out every year. That's a lot of games and travel added to the schedule.

RWD: Hm, funny. It only tires the Gophers out.

BH: It's darn tough to be this good. It wears one down.

RWD: No worries this year. You'll have, what, one guy gone? Haula?

BH: Sure? I don't worry about it too much. Nothing one can do about it, so I just sit back and see what happens.

RWD: No one else is good enough. [Bjugstad will not make it.]

BH: According to the stats, anyways.

RWD: According to the stats, the scouts, the coaches, the media, the public... Who are some of your all-time favorite Gophers?

BH: Tony Lucia was great. Not a stat guy, he wasn't that good, but he hustled every friggin' play. Never quit. I liked to watch Vanek play, he was a true skill guy, and for some reason, I liked DeMarchi. Hard-nosed guy.

RWD: Tony. Lucia. [I don't even know what to say.]

BH: I had my doubts, too, being Coach's boy and all. He worked. He worked hard.

RWD: He's probably a forklift driver now too.

BH: We could use people like him.

RWD: No one works hard at your work?

BH: There are some that don't. [Like Brent.] I'll leave it at that. [Yeah, you don't want word to get around that you're a slacker.] I would think it's pretty common no matter where you go.

RWD: I see. Or maybe just wherever you work.

BH: It's not Phillips neighborhood, that's for sure. [Blah. Never mind on that.]

RWD: Indeed. So, who's the hottest Gopher?

BH: Me. Oh, Gopher player? I don't have an opinion on that. You should ask a colleague of mine, known as Dancing Girl.

RWD: No. I'm asking you.

BH: Then I don't have an opinion. Although Cepis looks like Spicoli (I believe LaPanta noticed that one; it might have been Chorske).

RWD: Cepis looks like someone drove a forklift over his face.

BH: It wasn't me. I'm a great driver.

RWD: Yeah right. You're the "what not to do" guy in the safety videos.

BH: I wish I was. That looks like fun.

RWD: Anyway, who is the hottest Gopher? [Brick wall!]

BH: I have no opinion. You don't read too well, do you? Must be that tUMD edumacation.

RWD: I went to Illinois and Augsburg, genius.

BH: Well, it'd be nice to know that. And that's even worse. Augsburg is supposed to be a good school. For shame.

RWD: It's on Facebook, ass. Unlike you, I don't PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE ELSE. [Brent Hoven is not his real name!]

BH: I don't care enough to know every detail about you. And outside of work, everyone calls me by my "name." Even family.

RWD: Weird. Probably because your family likes to pretend you're not really related. [Ah yes, that makes sense.]

BH: Or they want to be part of something great. [What?]

RWD: Like tUMD's season this year. [Yes!]

BH: They'll fail. Like every other run. But I bet they get that Hobey again! Woohoo! [There isn't a Gopher player even sniffing a Hobey Baker and we've got three legit contenders.]

RWD: So who will be the Gopher coaches next year? Other than Hill as head coach.

BH: My miracle wish list would be one of the Serratores. [Well, you've already got one. Player-coach?] Blais is NOT going to be here, I don't care about the urban legends concerning the secret contract clause. I'd like to see MN go all out and get Blasi. [That's Enrico Blasi, aka Mr. Bean, not a typo.] If not, then Jeff Johnson [Possible forklift jockey?], but he's going nowhere. After that? There's some rumors I've come across, but nothing to take heed over as of right now.

RWD: Jeff Johnson?

BH: Jackson, sorry. Mistype. Trying to multi-task.

RWD: Well, since you're too good for this blog, why don't you wrap it up with a few thoughts. How will the Gophers win this weekend?

BH: I enjoy the candor in The Gauntlet. It's not stuffy. [This is Goonesque.] And the Gophers will win by scoring more goals than tUMD in the game, silly. However futile, good luck to tDogs, and Ski-U-Mah! Thanks for selecting me for your sacrificial lamb.

RWD: Blah, that's not the answer. I was looking for, you know, strategery.

BH: Uh, we'll give 110% [No], take what they give us [Yes], hit hard on the forecheck [No], block some shots when they become aggressive [No]. We can't let our goalie hang out to dry [You will]. They're a good team, and they'll bring everything they've got. We'll just have to take it a shift at a time, and leave it all on the ice [Translation: Gophers will pee themselves in fear.]

RWD: And how will they lose?

BH: By not doing those things I mentioned.

RWD: Did Maturi hire Jerry Kill as a coach or as a mascot?

BH: Hired him as a sideshow.It's MN Football. I don't care.

RWD: He looks a lot like Goldy.

BH: He looks like a child molester.

RWD: So does Goldy.

BH: That would be Bucky Beaver from BSU. A cross between Bucky Badger and Goldy. He's hideous.

RWD: I did see him when I was at their sad little rink in October.

BH: You saw the old one? Yeah, it's bad.

RWD: No, I meant the new one.

BH: Robbinsdale Cooper had a better arena! [The bagel throwers!] Oh, the new one. Better or worse than say, NMU or MTU? Or is it better than NCC (personal hatred aside)?

RWD: Never been to the Berry. [Bah! I'm letting him derail me!]

BH: Berry is a pole barn. With ice. No rise to the seats. Terrible.

RWD: This conversation is irrelevant. Give a score prediction and get this thing over with.

BH: Hm... 3-2 MN OT Fri. [Since he didn't say which campus, I'll assume he meant Duluth.] 5-3 MN Sat. [Again, assume he meant Duluth.] Wait, make that 5-4 MN Sat. [No.]

RWD: Enjoy seeing your dreams crushed. Got an F hockey text all worked out? [Inside joke. Lots of naughty words used.]

BH: I expect to be dancing on my coffee table. [Gross.] And the F Hockey texts just come naturally. You can't force them.

RWD: The Gophers will make sure of it.

The Gauntlet: Dead Deer Loving Edition

W00t! The Gauntlet is back! I promise I'll get Yager in January. Next up, Chuck Schwartz from Sixty Minutes, No Alibis, No Regrets.

RWD: So, I noticed your team was swept at home by UND this past weekend. How did that occur?

CS: Coming out guns blazing eh? A veteran team played much better than our inexperienced team. They also cheated a lot.

RWD: That's rough. How frustrating. It really makes you want to check an empty net, doesn't it?

CS: I'm actually shocked this wasn't the first thing out of your mouth. [Or off of my fingers, since this is the Internet.] At least he didn't get a running start from the red line like Hirsch...and then go lay his stick at center ice.

RWD: Well, he didn't want Eaves to beat him.

CS: Wow.

RWD: I went there!

CS: That was settled out of court.

RWD: I'm sure it was.

CS: Actually, I have no idea, but it sounded good.

RWD: I hope on Judge Judy.

CS: Shes hot. [Horrifying.] I wonder if she played for the Lady Bulldogs? [Chuck is a sexist pig who thinks that it's okay for men's teams to be called by the school nickname while women's teams have to have the word "Lady" qualifying them.]

RWD: Never heard of them. But has moving to St. Cloud tainted your taste in women or something?

CS: Clearly you haven't seen the girls I roll with. My view has always been tainted.

RWD: Or perhaps their views are the only ones that haven't been tainted. [If there are any actual girls with which he rolls.]

CS: Call it what you want to call it.

RWD: So, who has retired more? You or Brett Favre? [Chuck retires from blogging every time someone “steals” a story from him. He's like a little kid who says they're running away from home.]

CS: Probably me, but he's sent out more pictures of his little gun slinger than I have. For those keeping track at home, that's zero for me.

RWD: The whole world thanks you. [Yikes.]

CS: You have no idea...

RWD: I... don't even want to know. [I stared at the sun in an attempt to blind myself.] So, speaking of tragedies. What happened against BC?

CS: Arguably the worst day of my life, second to only learning that Four Loko is coming off the shelves.

RWD: Ugh, that was all that flirting between you and Joe [of Pro Hockey Talk] last night [on Twitter].

CS: Flirting? I call it helping a brother out. As for the game, I blame it on me actually attending, I didn't go in 2006 and they finished the job. Detroit sucks by the way.

RWD: Wow, what other surprising facts can you tell me? I did not know this! Parking Wars Detroit is amazing, btw.

CS: Duluth has never won an NCAA title. [Interesting non sequitur.]

RWD: I find this acceptable. Then I can see the first one. They were one [poopy] bounce away from one.

CS: You sound like a Sioux fan with your excuses.

RWD: I stated one fact! [And I didn't blame the refs!]

CS: I'd blame it on the bad air they suck in at the DECC on the reg. [What?] That place sucked.

RWD: Ah, we can't all play in basketball arenas where senile old men hold up stupid signs.

CS: As opposed to DHG running around the rink after goals?

RWD: He doesn't do that anymore. Biddco does. Sometimes a blowup doll does. [Kelly Clarkson!]

CS: I remember going to a game at the DECC when I was a kid and being like, who is this old guy running around the building?

RWD: Kids. Thinking everyone's old. [Really. I mean, DHG wasn't that old. He is now.]

CS: And by kid I mean like... 15.

RWD: When are they going to pull Phil's plug anyway?

CS: Bah...Phil's the man. Can't fault the old guy for getting the fans going. He's a legend.

RWD: He's a senile nincompoop. So were you a Crease Creature? [That's those raving lunatics in the student section who know nothing about hockey.]

CS: I've been an unofficial Crease Creature. Never went to school in Madison. I chose the Harvard of the west. [Whatever that is.]

RWD: Well, tUMD is the Harvard of the MIDwest.

CS: I almost went to [t]UMD. But then I visited and saw the girls there.

RWD: Intimidated by all the hotties? I can see that.

CS: Yep, way out of my league.

RWD: So why are there so many bloggers on your site? Or, the site on which you blog. [He doesn’t have admin privileges!]

CS: Most of us are lazy, so when one of us feels like taking some time off, someone else is supposed to step up. Key word there is "supposed." It's also so that we can put bloggers like you to shame.

RWD: How could a good, CREATIVE blogger like me be shamed?

CS: Creative? Did you even make your own banner on your site?

RWD: Yes.

CS: Well that burn fell through. [Hahahahahaha!]

RWD: Who did you think made it?

CS: Someone with some talent, like a male. [See! Oink oink oink!]

RWD: Funny how I've outlasted many a male blogger.

CS: Why don't you blog about the lady Bulldogs?

RWD: There aren't any lady Bulldogs. Where did you steal "Sixty Minutes, No Alibis, No Regrets" from? A Mike Eruzione motivational speech?

CS: Chris Stafne recommended it to us.

RWD: He has no alibis, but probably regrets.

CS: I would hope.

RWD: So, who's your favorite opponent's beat writer?

CS: Brad Elliott Schlossman, only because he has 3 names. And because he loves "Entourage" and "To Catch a Predator."

RWD: I have three names, too. Don't you?

CS: Only when my mom is pissed.

RWD: Well, move out of her basement.

CS: Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it. I now live almost 3 hours from her basement. Thank God...

RWD: How tragic. I thought you might have said Roman [Augustovitz, of the Star Tribune] was your favorite.

CS: I thought the question was favorite, not most incompetent.

RWD: Hey, he's always right on top of stories.

CS: ...that he reads on other peoples sites.

RWD: Only 6 hours or so after they're on Twitter, he's fresh!

CS: I love his tweets at like 2-3 AM. Just marathon tweeting sessions, like anyone is actually reading them (besides me). [He always tweets in the third person, referring to himself as "Eye." Or maybe he can't spell "I."]

RWD: Let's play a word association game. Or, rather, I will give you two words and you pick which one you prefer. Don't think about it, just react.

CS: Oh boy. [I know! Games are fun!]

RWD: Elliott or Bruckler?

CS: Elliott. [He probably barely even knows who Bernd Bruckler is.]

RWD: Baggott or Milewski?

CS: pffff

RWD: Not a choice.

CS: Milewski.

RWD: Lenin or Trotsky?

CS: Lenin

RWD: COMMUNIST!

CS: I don't even know who they are, beattles guy? [Dear god, the spelling.] Who the hell is Trotsky?

RWD: *facepalm*

CS: My Russian history is rusty.

RWD: Let me google that for you.

CS: Appreciate the effort.

RWD: So who do you consider to be Wisconsin's primary rivals, other than UMTC?

CS: I'd say 1) UMTC [I said other than UMTC] 2) UND 3) Denver/UMD/St. Cloud. Everyone else can suck it

RWD: You consider tUMD a rival?

CS: With the proximity, yeah. But only when they don't suck... which is few and far between I guess. [Grammar!] So we're rivals every five years or so. [Chuck is so depressed that I don’t rise to the bait.]

RWD: What about Michigan or the Fartans [Michigan State]?

CS: Muck Fichigan.

RWD: So I take that as a yes.

CS: Yeah, I'm not smart enough to think about things like that. They are probably ahead of Denver/UMD/Cloud. Ann Arbor is still a [woman of low morals].

RWD: Yes, I know, I went to Illinois.

CS: Gasp.

RWD: Are you excited for the B10HC? And Penn State's immediate and total domination of everyone?

CS: No comment.

RWD: They should probably just go pro.

CS: Honestly, if there is a Bi6 10 conference, and there will be. Penn State will be an elite program in 10 years. [No.]

RWD: Before or after tOSU?

CS: OSU's stick will go way up with the creation of the Bi6 10 conference. [No.]

CS: stock*

RWD: Works either way. [Hee!]

CS: Zing!

RWD: Who are some of your favorite Badgers on this current team?

CS: Patrick Johnson.

RWD: I feel like that might be a lie.

CS: How dare you. I'm a fan of Zengerle, his hands are amazing.

RWD: INAPPROPRIATE.

CS: Easy, he doesn't roll like FHG.

RWD: Oh snap! Although I think you might mean Cardinal.

CS: That too. At least FHG would probably have filled out the pre-season poll. Can't say the same about Mr. KFAN weekly special.

RWD: So, you said UND is considered a big rival.

CS: I'd like to think so.

RWD: Well, I had a reader-submitted question on that.

CS: You have readers?

RWD: Many! This reader asked why you would start a thread that says "Let's get hostile and abusive!" and then complain when it got hostile and abusive?

CS: That middle name you were asking about? It's contradiction. PS... that was extremely lame.

RWD: Well I didn't make that up, the reader did. An unnamed UND fan.

CS: I have an idea... but I won't name names. Was he in Boogie Nights?

RWD: Er. Moving along. Who are your favorite All-Time Badgers?

CS: Dany Heatley, but only because he drives Ferraris real fast. And Steven Reinprecht, because I feel bad he got robbed for the Hobey.

RWD: Oh, Reinprick!

CS: Shouldn't leave out Joe Pavelski. I still feel bad for getting as drunk as I did at his golf outing.

RWD: Save a horse, ride a Cuck Schwartz! [Chuck tweeted that one night this summer and I will not let him live it down. And no, that's not a typo.]

CS: Pass that on to your friends.

RWD: I... will write it on the bathroom wall at the Sports Garden. [Girls can read it while they are throwing up!] Speaking of bars, where should tUMD fans eat, drink, and fist pump all night long this weekend?

CS: Nitty Gritty is always a hit before the game and the people are usually pretty cool but it will be packed. After the game, if you like Long Islands I suggest this place called Ram Head...it's in the basement, and it's shady but the long islands are huge and awesome.

RWD: What's that one bar all the players go to? For the puck slut in all of us.

CS: KK....Kollege Klub [Kool.]

RWD: So doesn't Wisconsin have a policy against racist teams?

CS: Yes we do actually...

RWD: Why did they just play UND in basketball then?

CS: Good question.

RWD: AHA! [Hypocrites!]

CS: Guess we were short on cupcakes this year.

RWD: Pronounce this word: "Wquinton."

CS: W-Quinton? Wuh-quinn-ton.

RWD: So, how about some predictions for what will happen this weekend as the Bulldogs roll into Paint Thinner Nation.

CS: Well, I made my predictions this afternoon on my blog and I feel pretty confident. Like I mentioned, we haven't lost back to back games in 62 straight contests until last weekend. There is no way we lose 3 in a row. Friday: Wisconsin 5, Duluth 3. [Fail.] Saturday: Duluth 4, Wisconsin 2. [Maybe.]

Oh crap, I forgot to ask him who the hottest Badger was. The answer is Mike Eaves.

The Gauntlet: Orca Edition

This week, we've got another Gauntlet victim: Geist, from the stupidly titled Sioux Yeah Yeah! blog (which will have to be renamed soon!)

RWD: Are there any particular UMD players that are targeted this weekend? Or should they just all be on alert for an airlift to Minneapolis?

BG: 'Cause UND is a headhunting team now. Nice. No, since Malone will obviously be brought down by the WCHA Wheel of Justice (c) Joe Yerdon, I think UMD should be fine.

RWD: Ah, so Malone acted alone? [Brandon is under the incorrect assumption that Brad Malone is the only player on UND capable of such infractions.]

BG: What is this, a game of Clue? Malone at the Engelstad with a Warrior Stick?

RWD: I was wondering if the orders came down from on high. Like from Hakstol. Or Virg Foss.

BG: Could have been Goon. [This is true.] He's a fan of old-time hockey

RWD: Ah, he's a fan of career- or life-threatening injuries. How is it that UND fans are so passionate about hockey, but don't bother to learn the rules?

BG: 'Cause UND fans can't read. [Or spell.] I thought this was obvious. We're just a bunch of sugar beet farmers that like blaming the refs for our losses. [And harping on the refs when you win, too!]

RWD: You're not a sugar beet farmer. You're a co-pilot.

BG: Shhhhh, don't tell Happy [some USCHO person]. He'll be blown away that not all of us are sugar beet farmers.

RWD: Well, it can't really be hard to be a co-pilot. It's mostly a figurehead role.

BG: It's like your job, except it involves more skill.

RWD: It can't be too skillful to sit there and watch the actual pilot work. Although it must be tempting to touch the shiny buttons.

BG: Yeah, sometimes he lets me sit on his lap and steer. [Whoa! TMI!]

RWD: Do you blog while flying?

BG: Maybe...

RWD: On your Sioux blog or on your Baby Dinosaur blog?

BG: On my third blog.

RWD: Ravings of a Lunatic? [What third blog? Oh, wait, I see, the Baby Dino blog isn't the same as the sparkly one.]

BG: Sure, whatever.

RWD: So why did you choose to start a blog?

BG: I have that kind of time to write down pointless thoughts? [Not sure why he's asking me.]

RWD: And why did you choose to name it Inspiration Stardust Dreams? Is it because you are a chick?

BG: That's not mine, homeslice. [Lies! It lists him as an author!]

RWD: Sure it isn't. And now you have a workout blog as well? [Okay, that's the Baby Dino blog. Which... good lord.]

BG: You'd know. [He's uncooperative.]

RWD: This is read by a vast audience, they may not know!

BG: Yeah, real vast. From sea to shining sea. [He doubts me!]

RWD: I have readers in Connecticut, California, Florida, Texas, Colorado...

BG: So my statement is not [i]naccurate. [It was sarcastic though.]

RWD: I'll say it's accurate, rather than use a double negative [and spell the word wrong]. What do you think UND's new nickname will be?

BG: I'm guessing nothing. It'll stay as University of North Dakota.

RWD: I heard the killer whales might be a good choice. And you could be their mascot. [Dirty famously said about this picture, "Put a white dot under your arm and you'd be Shamu."]

BG: I was in the process of swimming 1500 meters. When's the last time you hopped on a treadmill?

RWD: Generally I run outside. [HAH! And here he thought he was going to get me!]

BG: You run?

RWD: With the 'Dogs. [Actual running is without them.]

BG: ba dum crash [I... guess that was a rim shot?]

RWD: How long have you been a UND fan?

BG: Since '99, when I knew that's where I wanted to go to school.

RWD: I don't know if the UND staff is a fan of you though. Certainly not Hakstol. And Katie O'Keefe [former intermission hostess-type person] was not a fan.

BG: Maybe it's cause I said someone should shoot her. [I can't imagine why someone would object to that!] Hak and I are cool though.

RWD: Well, wasn't he the one that called the [REA] cops [aka the Gestapo] on you for that remark?

BG: No, he was not.

RWD: Despite their familial relationship? [Katie is Hak's sister-in-law.]

BG: Hak doesn't read the board. He's not Jamie Russell.

RWD: A booster probably pays someone to read the board for Hak. Do you play hockey?

BG: Yes, you already know this. Instead of asking me, be like "Geist plays hockey," then we can move on. [This isn't my first rodeo, son.]

RWD: I am in charge here. What position do you usually play?

BG: Center or left wing.

RWD: And also puncher of chicks, right?

BG: Can't take it, get the f*** off the ice.

RWD: That's the UND way. So what if Aaron Marvin had hit Brad Malone in the same way [as Brad Malone hit Jesse Martin]? Do you think UND fans would call it a clean hit? [Um, duh, no.]

BG: No, because Aaron Marvin is a lowly piece of scum who has a reputation for dirty hits. Nothing he does is clean. He should be banned from hockey for life.

RWD: So it depends on the person delivering the hit. The exact same hit, mind you.

BG: If it happens against UND, it's obviously a dirty hit. Anybody else, it's clean.

RWD: Well, at least you can admit your faults. [Hypocrisy!]

BG: Don't fault me for this. [I do.] I'm speaking on behalf of all Sioux fans.

RWD: I'm sure they are pleased. How many UND games a year do you attend?

BG: Dunno. [This is not a difficult question.]

RWD: I didn't know you were innumerate.

BG: Fine, 8-10. [I am not sure this is accurate.]

RWD: Do you dress in full UND regalia? Like a nice jersey?

BG: No, it sucks. Dirty has reminded me of this numerous times.

RWD: What exactly is wrong with your jersey?

BG: Dirty says it sucks and Dirty is a jersey hooker [which is not the same thing as a Jersey hooker], so he obviously knows. [It has multiple mistakes.]

RWD: So you and Dirty went to games together in school?

BG: He sat with his friends, I sat with mine.

RWD: He had friends?

BG: Flanders until he jacked Dirty's Playstation. [I had no follow-up questions.]

RWD: So you were not friends?

BG: We just sat with different people. Keep in mind he was like an 11-year senior.

RWD: So he was a creepy old dude.

BG: Still is. Not as creepy as Brent though.

RWD: Well, he doesn't write checks, so no.

BG: Writing checks does not make Brent creepy, it makes him a moron.

RWD: Well, what makes Brent creepy?

BG: Have you ever seen him?

RWD: Ah, yes. So can UND possibly win this weekend without Brad Malone around to decapitate someone?

BG: I guess anything is possible but I'm going with unlikely.

RWD: So you think UND will get swept by tUMD?

BG: That's what I'm calling, yes.

RWD: Hm. I haven't seen sandbagging like this since...last spring in North Dakota!

BG: How am I sandbagging? UND is missing a lot of players this weekend, their goaltending is horrid. You tell me why UND has a chance against UMD.

RWD: Because UND typically stomps the shit out of UMD no matter how the teams are performing?

BG: So you're sandbagging? [No, I'm a realist.]

RWD: We'll see who is bagging sand. Who is the hottest player on the UND squad? Men’s, not women's. [So he could not select Ms. Lamoureux or Ms. Lamoureux-Kolls.]

BG: Trupper. [Meh, he doesn't do it for me.]

RWD: Interesting. Why is Brad Miller Time still called Brad Miller Time if its namesake is not involved?

BG: Because it's legendary. [No.] It was on ESPNU. [No one watches that!] It's a marketable brand. Yes, I am comparing BMT to Coca-Cola or Budweiser.

RWD: It's certainly comparable to Budweiser in terms of quality. [Hi-yoooooo!]

BG: You don't like it, why do you watch it?

RWD: I don't watch it. But its existence offends me. I hear you are getting married soon.

BG: Yeah.

RWD: Any worries that you might have a wedding crasher from the ECAC?

BG: I think he's getting invited.

RWD: Wow, you love to rub salt in a wound, don't you?

BG: He's mature, I'm mature [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA], we'll be fine.

RWD: I see. I'm planning to send a gift.

BG: I don't want whatever you're sending. [Jeez, I guess I'll take back the Porsche then.]

RWD: Just some monogrammed towels to celebrate your wedding and name change. BS and TS.

BG: Oh I'm changing my name? Wow.

RWD: Dirty and I were unsurprised.

BG: Didn't realize you and Dirty were that close.

RWD: Hey, what you don't know could fill an ocean, Shamu.

BG: Says the woman who needs two seats at the X to fit her fat ass.

RWD: [Some stuff I had to take out.] F***, I'll have to take that out. Who are your favorite UND players? Past and present?

BG: Parise and Oshie of the past [uh, wow, that's not that far back], and currently I like Kristo [who is sucking hardcore under the pressure of being on Team Cougar] and Trupp [in that special tingly way].

RWD: How will UND win the games this weekend?

BG: By making sure every UMD player leaves on a stretcher. [See! Malone didn't act alone!]

RWD: And how will they lose?

BG: By standard WCHA officiating. [Wahhhhh wahhhh!]

RWD: Score predictions?

BG: Friday - UMD 4, UND 2. Saturday - UMD 2, UND 0. [More like UND 6, UMD 1 and UND 8, UMD 0. Yikes.]

RWD: All right, I appreciate your participation. I'm giving you the Hakstol salute right now.

BG: Right back at you.

The Gauntlet: NewsRadio Edition

This week, in honour of the upcoming series with UAA, we are bringing back the Gauntlet to torment JimmyJam, Donald's minion from the UAA Fan Blog.

In honor of that, I give you this.


Excellent. Now, commencez!

RWD: So, how did you get hooked up with Donald?

JJ: I got hooked up with Donald when he asked for help on the blog. I've been wanting to write for a while and contribute so I decided to help.

RWD: Did you know Donald previously?

JJ: Yeah, Anchorage is a somewhat small place; most of the USCHO posters from Anchorage know each other and hang out.

RWD: You... hang out with Donald? [That, my friends, is the whole Interwebs gasping in shock.]

JJ: At games and such, not at other places, I made that mistake once. [!!!]

RWD: Oh? [ORLY] Do tell.

JJ: I don't remember much, alcohol was involved, and I got dragged to a place I would rather not have gone. [A Seawolves game?]

RWD: Aha! I think I know where! What directives did he give about your contributions to the site?

JJ: Find my own niche. Figure out what I'd want to write about and go with it.

RWD: Does he stand over you with a whip and beat you every time you make a typo?

JJ: No but then again I use spell check like lazy college kid, mostly because I was one. [Lazy college kids, spell check doesn’t catch everything! That’s why it takes so long to edit these Gauntlets.]

RWD: How did you become a UAA fan?

JJ: My parents and grandparents have been fans since the beginning of the program. My grandfather was a booster club president. So I've been going to games literally since I was born. I've seen way too many games [not possible] and some really good players.

RWD: Yeah I suppose the visiting teams had some stars.

JJ: yeah, Reinprecht and Heatley are the most vivid memories. [So if I had to list 2 exceptional players I had seen in the WCHA, these two are not the first two to come to mind. Odd.]

RWD: Those are the best players you've seen?

JJ: No, not by a mile.

RWD: I see. [Then… why say them?]

JJ: Heatley maybe in the top 10.

RWD: Was he playing hockey when you saw him, or crashing into a brick wall?

JJ: both lol [Simultaneously or separately?]

RWD: Is your child a UAA fan?

JJ: Yes, very much so. She loves watching them.

RWD: Isn't that child abuse?

JJ: No. [Yes.]

RWD: Torturing the poor girl with season after season of losses?

JJ: You get used to it a little bit; there's always hope though.

RWD: There is? Even this season?

JJ: Yes. [No.]

RWD: Locate this hope. Say, latitude and longitude.

JJ: 61° 10' N, 150° 1' W. [These are Anchorage’s coordinates. I don’t think there’s any hope there.]

RWD: I see. So who are some of your favorite UAA players, past and present?

JJ: Past would be Peluso, Clark, Glencross, Cygan, and Krake. Present would be Grant, Wiles and Gunderson. Gunderson was hilarious.

RWD: In what way? [In his goaltending attempts?]

JJ: Funny to talk with. [Funny like a clown? Did he amuse you?]

RWD: What about your second favorite WCHA team? What team is that?

JJ: Tech. Nice people I've met from there. A little nerdy but so am I. [It’s like talking to Yoda. What the hell?]

RWD: What about Twitch Boy? Now that he's in Alaska, have you seen him? Or at least his hotdog hat?

JJ: Yes I have but I haven't seen the hotdog hat. I was disappointed.

RWD: Have you turned him into a UAA fan yet?

JJ: Not yet, I'll work at it, I mean it's not like he's a fan of a winning team either.

RWD: This year! [Tech is undefeated!]

JJ: 5 games in... UAA's been unbeaten through 5 games in before.

RWD: Probably when playing UMD. [Sigh] How do you like the new jerseys?

JJ: I like them, a very classic look to them. We've got a unique logo [it's no realistic bear] and nice colors [yuck!] so there's no need to be outlandish.

RWD: Ugh, green and gold, no thank you. What about the new WCHA, do you like it?

JJ: Omaha yes, Bemidji no. [Indeed!] I also don't like how Bemidji got gifted with the Minnesota-only schedule.

RWD: Minnesota-only?

JJ: No travel to Alaska or Colorado, basically the 3 tough road trips. [Tech is brutal in the winter though.]

RWD: I see. Well, no extra games for them then.

JJ: True.

RWD: You don't have to pay for them to come and play you.

JJ: Eh whatever. [How Zen. Donald would be steaming.]

RWD: Donald feels very strongly about that, but you do not?

JJ: It's part of the deal, I don't like it much either but it's not going away. I'd love to get rid of it but it's not the highest priority.

RWD: Despite Donald's letters. [Next step: mail bombs.]

JJ: Despite.

RWD: Speaking of Donald, if the Seawolves and the Aces played an exhibition… would anyone care?

JJ: I dunno, it's hard to say. I think people would care but I don't think the result would change people’s minds. The Aces are good one thing: marketing, that's why they do better. [I don’t understand why schools don’t have every marketing student at the school working on marketing for the teams FOR FREE.]

RWD: If I were watching on TV, no one would be visible in the stands. But that's because, just beyond the camera, true fans are packed into the "better" seats, right?

JJ: Correct, the Sullivan has high glass that makes the game unwatchable from iceside [what?] seats. There is truth to that.

RWD: What about the rest of the statement?

JJ: Also true because the only ones to show up would be the hardcore sit in those seats. [My head just exploded.]

RWD: Would you like to rephrase that into a sentence that makes sense?

JJ: no lol, ok the better seats that aren't visible would be full because that's where the people who actually want to watch the game sit.

RWD: So beyond our viewpoint, the arena is standing room only. I see.

JJ: Somewhat.

RWD: And then you get behind the scenes after the games. How does that work? Do you dress up as a janitor? Hide in the laundry cart with the dirty jockstraps?

JJ: I have a press pass, the university likes us somewhat.

RWD: You and Donald have press passes, free ticket giveaways... does anyone PAY to see UAA?

JJ: Yes, thousands. [No wonder no one pays, the tickets are so expensive! Thousands?]

RWD: I see.

JJ: Well apparently not. [Touché]

RWD: I haven't been able to tell from your videos, who is the hottest Seawolf?

JJ: Secure in my masculinity, I would say Grant.

RWD: What? He looks like Jar Jar Binks.

JJ: Eyes girl, the eyes. [He’s been hypnotized or something.]

RWD: …are googly.

JJ: Ok.

RWD: Hm, I see he has longish hair. What about you, still mohawkin’ it?

JJ: Yes ma'am.

RWD: Superb.

JJ: Damn right.

RWD: Let's talk about this weekend.

JJ: Ok shoot.

RWD: How can the Seawolves win this weekend? [Trick question! They cannot!]

JJ: Playing tough defence, keeping the goal scoring, great goaltending.

RWD: Keeping the goal scoring? [The goal does not score itself. Silly Seawolves are confused!]

JJ: 3 goals at least in every game, that's not bad, that can win you games. [Not if we get 9.]

RWD: And how can they lose this weekend?

JJ: Playing bad defence like last weekend, goal scoring going away.

RWD: Is Shyiak a good coach?

JJ: Yes, I had doubts, especially last season, but you can see with this group that they are responding well to his coaching. I was harsh on him and I was wrong.

RWD: PEOPLE! A MAN JUST ADMITTED WRONGNESS. FIRST TIME EVER. Do you miss John Hill?

JJ: No, [fornicate] him.

RWD: I... would prefer not. [Horrific.]

JJ: Good for you lol.

RWD: Do you think he gets more bloated every year?

JJ: Possibly, maybe he sees himself getting the job at Minny with every crap year Lucia has. [Maybe he sees Leprechauns that tell him to burn down the rink.]

RWD: Do you read Justin Bourne's articles on Puck Daddy?

JJ: Yes, I read his blog as well.

RWD: I have no follow up questions. I just enjoy reading his perspectives as a former pro player.

JJ: They are interesting, it's something you really get to see written about.

RWD: Do you mean rarely?

JJ: Yes sorry rarely. NO DONALD!!! [One can only assume beatings commenced.]

RWD: Terrifying. What about a weekend prediction to wrap things up?

JJ: Split, Bulldogs win Friday [yes] and UAA wins on Saturday [no].

RWD: Scores?

JJ: 4-3 on Friday and 3-1 on Saturday.