29 October 2006

The Gauntlet: Public Servant Edition

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This week, RWD interviews the notorious Fire Helmet Guy, a Gopher Fan Extraordinaire, Real Life Fireman, and Duluth Bar Scene Superstar.

RWD: So, what's with the nickname?

FHG: Well, anyone who has been to a Gopher game knows. I wear a fire helmet painted maroon and gold. The helmet was kind of a rookie prank when I became a regular on the fire department. So I painted it up for Gopher games. Actually, if you scrape off the maroon and gold it's PINK underneath. LONG STORY. [ed. note: I disagree. It's probably a short story he doesn't want to tell.]

RWD: How did you become a Gopher fan?

FHG: Typical response, just grew up watching them. Did not actually go to my first Gopher game at Mariucci til I was about 21! But I was always a fan.

RWD: Interesting. So, I hear you are a closet UMD fan... how did that start? [I had this wonderful setup for this question and it didn't work, so this interview isn't actually as funny as it should have been.]

FHG: Well I do own a UMD Penalty Box shirt and one of the Boston Bar Tour shirts they had the year they went to the Frozen 4. It's just a little inside joke with some of the UMD people and some of my Gopher buddies. When you know guys like the Penalty Box guys you don't mind seeing the Bulldogs win... unless they are playing the Gophers! [Note: some penalty box members are actually not guys, I hear.]

RWD: And you have quite the love affair with the city of Duluth... what's your favorite place there?

FHG: Oh yeah, I love it up there. My favorite place would be, well let's think here, it's a tough one... The Sports Garden.

RWD: I never would have guessed. If you were to sum up the Sports Garden in one word, what would it be?

FHG: Drunkenstupidityatitsbest.

RWD: Not... EPIC????

FHG: Oh crap....mind block. That would work too. [I left this in, even though the joke didn't work. Yet another dud. Funny how I didn't have any last week...]

RWD: Okay, so you told me in the email this is your first interview. Does that mean Fox 9 has not gotten to you yet?

FHG: Not yet. But I could probably tell them some stories about hockey players at bars... but I'll leave it at that. Don't want to see any of the squad get in trouble. I think it was this same week last year when it started to boil over about the whole deal.

RWD: I will be turning over the transcript of this interview to the Investigative Team. So look out.

FHG: Crap. I'll be a marked man at Mariucci now. And now Bulldog fans will probably be buying me beers this weekend.

RWD: Yeah, that's no good, it's not like you blend into the crowd. But back to the Fox 9 question, what do you think really went wrong last year?

FHG: As far as what, the end of the season?

RWD: Yeah.

FHG: I honestly don't know. As most people have heard before, hockey is a funny game. I guess they may have peaked too early, just lost the heart at the end there. It's too bad too, you hate to see the team they had go out that way. But we've gotten over it... which is more then I can say for Sioux fans! lol

RWD: I personally own a Holy Cross game-worn jersey from the regional game, so it's not just Sioux fans...


RWD: It smells slightly of Gopher defeat.

FHG: Gopher defeat... I was thinking more along the lines of mustard gas... seeing it was at the Ralph.

RWD: Ooh, zing! I was at the 3rd place Final Five game and I couldn't believe it was the same team from the previous night. Do you think it was just fatigue?

FHG: I think that had to play a big factor in it. I mean to come from behind like that and then to lose a tough one in overtime I think it had to be somewhat of a factor. Even with the loss though, it was still a fun game to be at. The atmosphere was magical that night. [And there was a happy ending.]

RWD: No kidding. It was nuts. There were a lot of Gopher fans (clearly not you) cheering for St. Cloud over tUMD that Thursday. I bet they wish tUMD had won...

FHG: I don't know. As most WCHA fans know, any team can win on any given night. That's what makes the WCHA league so fun to cheer for. I guess I really hadn't noticed, I was hoping to see UMD win that one... shocking I'm sure. lol

RWD: I noticed, probably because I nearly fell out of my suite screaming at a Gopher fan.

FHG: Yeah, it seem there are very few liked Gopher fans out there. [This person in particular was totally unlikeable.]

RWD: Very few liked Yankee fans out there, too. But who is your most hated opponent?

FHG: UND, without a doubt. It used to be UMD the first couple years but UND is by far my most hated opponent. Just going up to the Nazi Bunker, they think our fans are obnoxious and annoying, they need to look in the mirror. But you can't deny the rivalry, as far as hockey I think UND is the biggest rival for the Gophers.

RWD: You hated tUMD? Alert the presses!

FHG: The first couple years I went up there it got pretty intimidating, but it's gotten a lot more mellow the last few years up there.

RWD: There is a lot of debate over who the "biggest rival" is for Gopher hockey. I would say it comes down to UND and the Red Menace, and I think you could make an argument either way. Personally, I've always thought it was Wisconsin, because the rivalry expands beyond hockey, but if we lived in a hockey-only microcosm, I'd say UND.

FHG: UND NO DOUBT. Sconnie is the rival in the big picture of Gopher sports but as far as hockey goes, it's UND. Just my opinion though.

RWD: I see we are on the same page here. I guess it's either Fascists or Communists, and in the end, they're both the same...

FHG: Pretty much. WOW, A Gopher fan and Bulldog fan agreeing on something. The end is near!

RWD: Oh man, I better ask a tough one now, I can't have that last. Who will we see in goal this weekend: Long Island Frazee or Kellen Smorgasbriggs?

FHG: Both. Kellen "Pay Your Tab" Briggs on Friday and Jeff "Pour Another" on Saturday. I think they will split until at least mid-January. [FYI: That's when the games start to actually "count."]

RWD: Have you, as a hockey fan, accepted more than $100 in free food and drinks from hockey boosters?

FHG: Heck no, I WISH! It gets spendy to drink down by the "U".

RWD: I have accepted many free drinks from hockey fans, based both on my witty repartee and my attractiveness.

FHG: NICE! You gotta go with what works. That's what I always say. God, is it Wednesday yet?

RWD: I had to say that, because in my last interview I said I was fat for comedic effect, when in fact I am not. But on that note, for my female readers (all 2 of them), is there a Mrs. FHG?

FHG: Oh god no! Why end a great life by getting married. I'd rather run into fires all day and night non-stop and burn alive than fall into that trap. Maybe a little too descriptive, huh?

RWD: Well, there's always the 'Toga.

FHG: That's what I always say.

RWD: Who would you say is the most attractive player on your current squad?

FHG: I haven't looked at them that close to even be able to tell.

RWD: I personally like Blake Wheeler.

FHG: Um, I'll go ahead and agree so we can move on from this very uncomfortable question. lol

RWD: Not yet, buddy. Suggest an alternate hairstyle for tDon.

FHG: The Don's hair is the 8th wonder of the world. It's a masterpiece.

RWD: I notice it is not hereditary. Do you think Tony Lucia was brought on the team as a spy?

FHG: Could be. I was kind of surprised he made the team, but he has been doing o.k. so far. He is a physical player that the Gophers can really use. And I'm sure he can drink with the best of them.

RWD: He is probably drinking seltzer water while wearing an oversized cowboy hat with a camera in it.

FHG: Well, they never did show the camera person last year for the Fox 9 report!

RWD: Speaking of physical players, and also players RWD likes, is Wheeler improving this year?

FHG: Well I don't think he can be any worse. He has been pretty impressive so far. I compare him with Barry Tallackson from a couple years ago, all that size and he didn't put it to good use. Wheeler could be a little more physical in his game. But if he keeps scoring some goals I can deal with it.

RWD: God don't say that. I hate Barry.

FHG: Yeah, I'm not real dissapointed he's gone. But he always did seem to come alive in the post-season it seemed like... so at least he played when it mattered most I guess.

RWD: Who's your favorite player? On this squad, and all-time.

FHG: On this squad right now, Jay Barriball. The kid is a STUD for being so small, he's not afraid to grind it up with anyone, plus I share his jersey # so there is some camaraderie there. Of all time... wow, thats tough. I would have to say Grant Potulny. He had such great leadership on and off the ice. And for him to overcome all the hype for being one of the first out-of-staters for the Gophers. He was awesome!!!

RWD: I notice you would not comment earlier about hottness but then you called Barriball a stud... interesting.

FHG: He's a stud on the ice.

RWD: More favorites: who is your favorite broadcaster for the Gophers (radio or TV)?

FHG: Doug Woog. I love the "Woogerisms" as we call them. For radio Glen Sonmor is a class act as well. Who could forget his "take that you stinkin' Badgers" quote from last year? I'll add my least favorite, and that would be Reed Larson from a couple years ago, because he ripped on the fire helmet.

RWD: Wow, that's tough. Singled out on the airwaves!

FHG: You damn right! And who could forget when Wooger called DHG "Tubby" on the PA and Dubay show last year?! CLASSIC Bulldog vs. Gopher moment.

RWD: Explain what is wrong with Woog when he is not speaking on camera. He stands there stunned, like a deer in headlights. Is he a.) drunk b.) high or c.) both?

FHG: I would have to say d.) Hungover still!

RWD: Even on Friday nights?

FHG: You never know. Thats what makes those guys so fun to listen to.

RWD: Let's have a prediction for this weekend.

FHG: Oh boy. There is one big factor that weighs heavy on me for this weekend... NO MORE ISAAC. I think the chances of a Gopher sweep are very good. BUT with that said, they do always have a hard time at the DECC with the small ice.

RWD: What's going to win these games for you guys? What will lose it?

FHG: If the "D" takes a weekend vacation they will lose, they need to play the Dogs strong on their home ice. This freshmen class of sharpshooters will be what wins it. Okposo and Barriball are scoring machines right now.

RWD: All right. I'll forward that to the coach... And the K is really silent in Okposo?

FHG: If Barriball gets a hat trick on Saturday, the helmet may be thrown over the glass onto the ice!!!! Yes, the K is silent. Glad to see that rumor is getting around.

RWD: That's a pretty big if there. You better hope your team scores 3 goals the whole weekend.

FHG: Oh I think they will. Sounds like Stalock needs to learn how to stay in his net a little more.

RWD: Sorry. I have trouble with the trash-talking. Yes, that would be true. But all the great ones play the puck.

FHG: It always seems like Bulldog goalies stand on their head when the Gophers come to town, so really anything can happen. Like my buddy says, these are two teams that don't like each other, you can throw the record books out the window. Or something like that.

RWD: Well, I think that about wraps things up. I hope the arena doesn't fall on your head this weekend.

FHG: Oh well, if it does, what a place to die... up in my favorite city.

RWD: With 5493 of your closest enemies. [Assuming a sell-out crowd.]

Anyone who wants to party with FHG will find him at either the Sports Garden or Club Saratoga, starting on Wednesday.

28 October 2006

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong

So... not the best way to end the weekend. Seriously, I can't have a birthday every day! Someone else needs to step up and proclaim it is their birthday. (That someone could have been Nate Ziegelmann, but I guess not...)

Key injuries to MacGregor Sharp and Nick Kemp, and a not-so-key injury to Josh Johnson, may have hurt us tonight offensively, but I thought we'd have a chance with Mannino in net, since consensus had Fisher as DU's top goalie. But, it was not to be.

FYI, I may have to bring the Hater Report back for Rhett Rakhshani.

I hope I never see Bill Mason again.

Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 23
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 10
(both holding steady until we sweep next weekend)

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 9
Michael Gergen: 3
Jason Garrison: 2
Matt McKnight: 1
Mike Curry: 0 (No penalties! Excellent physical play! Superb!)

Freshmen Competition:
Fulton: 3
Akins: 1
Stalock: 1
others: 0
Mitch Ryan and Trent Palm got in their first official games tonight. Fulton did get a point, so the freshmen are on the board!

Whoever Has The Goals Makes The Rules

Last night, The Aaaalleged Webmaster noted that perhaps Jason Garrison was lobbying to be one of my "guys" with his game-winning goal.

That goal meant a whole lot more than just a win.

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from umdbulldogs.com

You, Jason Garrison, Denver Nemesis, Sniper, King Amongst Men, are now officially one of my "guys."

My Guys Competition now stands:
Niskanen 7
Gergen 3
Garrison 2
McKnight 1
Curry x

This is totally legal, BTW. Not that anyone would challenge, since no one cares.


27 October 2006

The Gifts of the Magi

'Dogs 2, Pioneers 1

What could be better than a Bulldogs win on this, the holiest of days?

Well, the Wild won, too. So that was cool. AND I didn't have to work. AND DA gave me 'Dogs tickets for my b-day. AND I am getting my Medieval Laptop upgraded. AND other things happened.


Anyway, the Four Wise Men, Michael Gergen, Andrew Carroll, Ryan Geris, and Jason Garrison combined to give me this wonderful gift of a win. Also, Bruce asked my question on the air, wished me a Happy Birthday, and called the Gophers dirty. Why is no one else emailing the booth? It is so entertaining!


Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 23
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 10 (Did I not predict, first conference win on my bday?!)

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 7
Michael Gergen: 3 (Superb, on the PP!)
Matt McKnight: 1
Mike Curry: 0 (But! No Penalties!)

Freshmen Competition:
Fulton: 2
Akins: 1
Stalock: 1
et al.: 0

Come on, Freshmen, get in the game!!! (Although there were some good chances for you guys tonight, so it's not like you are slacking.)

Very cool. See you all tomorrow!
RWD out.

Joyeux Anniversaire!

Bonjour, mes camarades!

That's "Hello, my comrades!" in case you don't know. I'm trying to reach out to mes fanatiques francophones, and also annoy Donald/Drop the Puck at the same time. It's called multi-tasking. Try it.


Also, tomorrow is Ziggy's birthday, and I am sure he would like a win, too.

The key to this win?
It's in the numbers (as are many things on this site. RWD is an engineer.)
RWD is going to be 24. Yes, as in, hours in the day. Or a show I don't watch but others like that stars Kiefer Sutherland. Or Logan Gorsalitz's number.
And that brings me to the key: put The Kid in! I see him getting 2 goals and 4 points (the others will be assists on Curry goals) and we will win 24 - 0.

On second thought, take that last part out. Let's not go overboard. Denver will lose 2-7.

And no, nobody's parents asked me to post this. All they did was come up with the nickname.

Also, Chris, this + the LGDU interview is as close to a game preview as I will get.

25 October 2006

The Gauntlet: Denver Edition

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In this new feature of the RWD media conglomerate, the lovely mastermind behind the site throws down the gauntlet to various bloggers, hockey enthusiasts, and trolls under bridges. The first interview is with the genius behind the Let's Go DU web empire, and as for which category he fits into, that's for you to decipher. You have never seen more ellipses in your life.

RWD: So, how did you get started as a DU fan?

DG: I was a student in the Mid-Eighties went to a few games... yada, yada, yada... I ended up in charge of the DU Student Section called the Bleacher Creatures.

RWD: So it wasn't when you got your rejection letter from CC?

DG: Hmmm... this is going to be a Mike Wallace 60 Minutes-style ambush interview... I like it.

RWD: What else would you expect from a crack reporter like me?

DG: A few softballs to start... kind of like what I lob to Gwoz to keep on his good side.

RWD: Oh, so you and Curious George are buddies?

DG: He knows me. I don't have a firm grip on what he thinks of me, but I suspect he thinks I'm insane.

RWD: Does he know you simply because you are the guy that wears the toga?

DG: Yeah. I think he's still mad at me because I became as famous as him after he did all the work to win the championships, and I gravy trained off of his success

RWD: I noticed that he's often trying to compete with your success. Especially that time he climbed on the top of the boards. Do you think he feels threatened by you?

DG: He said he won't climb the boards again. I think he'd like me to go away, because I bring down the average IQ of the DU Alumni base.

RWD: But coming back to the toga... how did that start?

DG: Myself and two friends from Houston were going to a toga party at Tufts University after the National Championship game in Boston. There wasn't time to go home and change. True story...

RWD: So... you started this in 2004? Not in college?

DG: The togas were in 2004. The crazy [feces] happened in 1985-87.

RWD: Right, I was referring specifically to the togas. That explains a lot. What's the proper way to wear a toga? Is it like a kilt, with nothing underneath?

DG: A lot and I mean a lot of safety pins. It doesn't matter if you wear underwear, it’s going to be embarrassing if anything falls off in front of 10-20,000 people. [ed. note: I disagree, I think things would be much worse if your toga fell off and there was nothing underneath.]

RWD: Is it a little chilly at a hockey game? With the toga on, I mean

DG: If you are properly fueled that’s not an issue...

RWD: Indeed. So you started Let's Go DU a bit over a year ago... why?

DG: Good question. Finally a softball. A friend & I had prepared a 20 page report on improving school spirit at DU and I wanted to put it on the internet so that people at DU would see it. Somehow I ended up with a blog.

RWD: Are you some sort of alumni superstar? Or did you write this 20 page paper because DU discovered you had skipped your final in freshman English?

DG: My attorney said that I shouldn't answer any questions about my academic background on the grounds that I might incriminate myself. I was a terrible student and English was my worst and least favorite subject.

RWD: I guess that goes to show anyone can have a blog... So you weren't inspired to start a blog by, say... other blogs? [i.e. Runnin' With The Dogs.]

DG: I never saw a blog until the day I started mine. A DU fan had one, I saw it figured I could stick the report on it and then never see it again. Like many things in my life. I WAS WRONG.

RWD: So this report took on a life of its own?

DG: No the Blog did. The Report has died a thousand deaths, but like me it never gives up...

RWD: Oh. How Frankenstein-y. So what would you say the Let's Go DU Mission Statement is?

DG: To make people laugh, to provide an outlet for people who are proud of DU, and to spotlight our hockey program in a unique manner.

RWD: Wow, it's almost like you saw that one coming. Now the empire is growing, with a message board and a website. How is the website going to differ from the blog?

DG: The website is off to a really strong start. CO14ers has lined up writers[. It] is going to cover different sports, and hopefully bring a wider, younger, hipper audience than the blog.

RWD: I am young, hip, and wide, so I don't know what you're talking about. [I said this for comic effect, I am not actually fat. Or cool.] As far as the blog, are you the sole mastermind behind it?

DG: I have a lot of help. Many of the DU posters provide me with info, ideas and feedback. If the blog sucks it’s their fault. If it’s great it’s all my work.

RWD: I like the concept. I too blame lackeys for anything that goes wrong.

DG: It’s the only way.

RWD: I noticed that there seems to be a lot more "filler" on your site, and by "filler" I mean actual true stories from reputable sources. What's the deal there?

DG: I think that’s part of the joke of the site. Anything to do with DU is serious, thought provoking, informative. Anything that refers to another team is a lampoon.

RWD: I would counter that the articles that actually provoke thoughts from me are usually the lampoons. What would you say to the rumor floating around the college hockey world that you have no life?

DG: I do all my work on the blog at work. The blog doesn't affect my drinking, travel schedule, or partying.

RWD: I see. And for the ladies that might accidentally stumble across this interview, is there a Mrs. DG?

DG: No. Would you want to marry someone who has a blog called LetsGodU? It sounds like a boring religious site.

RWD: Touché. Would you ever date someone that went to CC?

DG: Absolutely not. I'm against mixed marriage. Besides I couldn't marry someone who was smarter than me. That’s why I like North Dakota girls.

RWD: I hear there's a pretty one behind every tree.

DG: Touché.

RWD: Hey, who's making the sarcastic comments here, you or me?

DG: [You].

RWD: Right. Why exactly does CC suck so badly?

DG: They have the typical small town, inferiority complex on steroids thing going. [This answer was actually sort of disappointing, I was hoping for more of a tirade, but this is journalism, not sensationalism.]

RWD: Do they reciprocate your feelings?

DG: I wouldn't know, I've never spoken to a CC "person."

RWD: I met some CC moms at the 2005 Frozen Four and they were pretty good-looking, and also drunk. You might be more similar than you think.

DG: The good looking or the drunk part?

RWD: I meant the collective "you" not you specifically. But either or. Granted I've never actually seen you in person.

DG: I'm not as good looking or as drunk as you think. It’s all an act to get more blog hits. [Note that I never actually said I thought he was good-looking.]

RWD: I'll have to get my fact-checker to ask Puck Swami for confirmation.

DG: Don't believe a word that weasel says...

RWD: Well, let's switch gears here a little and talk about this weekend. What sort of booze will you be drowning your sorrows in after you are swept?

DG: I only drink before victories never after losses. I believe the drinks this Friday will be Zombies...

RWD: You will not win on Friday, as I already stated [in our email correspondence], but moving on, what are we going to see out of Denver this weekend?

DG: You are going to see three unbelievable freshmen forwards: Trotter, Rakhshani & Ruegsegger. Also keep an eye on Gifford... He was my sleeper pick opening weekend, and now he’s on the first line.

RWD: Yes, Tyler is unbelievable looking, but I didn't think Rakhshani was hott. He almost made the Uggo list, and there was some lobbying to have him on there. But who would you nominate for the All Hottie Team from the Pioneers?

DG: Mrs. Gwozdecky

RWD: Is she a walk-on?

DG: Full scholarship all the way. It’s also rumored that she picks the line-ups and tells Gwoz what to wear.

RWD: Well isn't that what all coaches' wives do?

DG: Well she's won two Penrose awards, twice was runner-up, and won two National Championships... Obviously she’s smarter than the other wives.

RWD: I guess the other wives should start shopping wherever she shops. So, what do you expect from the Bulldogs this weekend?

DG: I hope it’s not the same bunch of clowns that kicked our [badonkadonks] in the playoffs last season. I hope DU doesn't let UMD get off to a fast start on Friday.

RWD: Actually, it essentially is the same bunch of clowns.

DG: That’s what I was afraid of. We need to keep your sophomores under wraps.

RWD: We need to keep them, too. For the full four years.

DG: 4 more years. Sounds like a political rally. Good luck with that.

RWD: I don't think they have 4 more years of eligibility. [We can only dream.] So, to wrap things up, let's have a weekend prediction.

DG: Same as always. DU sweeps. Good luck to UMD this weekend and the rest of the season. Tell the Minnesota Legislature to get their [badonkadonks] in gear and pass the DECC renovation. GO DU. Thanks for "interviewing me," feel free to edit anything to make me look like a sexist, racist, egotistical bigot...

RWD: I don't think I need to edit it to give it that sort of slant. I can read between the lines.

DG: Agreed.

RWD: Well, have a good night.

Well, I think this feature is going to become one of the best ones over here at RWD. I think this interview went well overall, especially considering I didn't have many questions prepared.

In the future? Ask not at whom the gauntlet is thrown, it is thrown at thee.

21 October 2006

Where's MY Frozen Custard?

5-2 Wisconsin.

Sometimes, good things happen to bad commies. (Well, that's redundant.)

I'm good to go, though. We're better than I thought. And that's cool. I guess tonight's game got away from us a little. Bruce was apoplectic on the air over some non-calls, but I can't comment as I didn't see. And it can't be all about the officiating. I did NOT appreciate the unsportsmanlike conduct penalty from Alex Stalock, especially after I received the official explanation. THAT was not an officiating screw-up. THAT is going to get you thrown in The Humane Society of the WCHA! Alex is the first resident of the year! That is not good! Why so many exclamation points!?

Things were looking good for us when we struck first. And things were still looking good when we tied it up 2-2. And then they just looked... well, if I were to place the rest of the game on a The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly post, it would be in bold on the Uggo list.

It did sound like we were doing some good things. Lots of blocked shots. The 4th line sounded better than it has all year. I didn't hear too many scrambles around the Bulldog net.

Why dwell on the negative? We didn't get swept. We put up a darn good fight on the road, in a tough building. That place is INTIMIDATING, the way I imagine the Kremlin is. On the plus side, I've never had so many people pissed off at me since I wrote a controversial Letter to the Editor to the Daily Illini! I am rivalling Donald The Puck! And all with a little satire! The Animal Farm post is evidently the Dumbest Blog Post Ever. I find that hard to believe. I've certainly written worse things about Wisconsin previously, but I am always proud to reach a new low.

Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 25 (no change)
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 11 (first conference win will come on my birthday: you heard it here first!)

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 7
Michael Gergen: 2 (Yes! I'm not a curse!)
Matt McKnight: 1 (Also not cursed by me!)
Mike Curry: 0 (I should seriously consider giving Mike 1/8 point for every game he does not have a charging or an elbowing penalty, and 1/4 point for every game he does not take a penalty at all. But I do think the physicality he brings to the game is something we've been lacking. He just needs to take it down a notch at times. He did have a pretty good night tonight, it sounds like!)

That Gergen-McKnight-Carroll line is going to be un-be-freaking-lievable. I can't even wait.

Freshmen Competition:
Fulton: 2
Akins: 1
Stalock: 1
et al.: 0

Not a lot of freshmen action tonight... but many of them were not playing. Maybe next weekend?

So, on the plus side, two more of my "guys" got on the board. VERY SWEET. It's only a matter of time before Curry gets on there... when's the next time we play Michigan Tech?

Potential Awesomeness upcoming for the Denver series. Watch for it here! (On the site in general. Not in this very spot.)

Exclamation Point Count: 12! 13.

20 October 2006

Hail Communist Overlords!

Hello all you Bucky fans coming over here to check out the site. Hope you brought your sense of humor!

Tonight's game ended in a tie, which is pretty sweet for us, considering I'm pretty sure the Red Army thought we'd be a joke. It's tough to win a Saturday game on the road, but I think we're in a pretty good position to steal another point or two.

Sadly, our totalitarian domination on the power play wasn't so hot tonight, although we did get one power play goal tonight. AND NO SHORTHANDED GOALS. That's key. We were also the only team to score at even strength. Let's not discuss the PK. Or the fact we kept negating our power plays.

Bruce Ciskie's Stars of the Game:
#3 Andrew Joudrey
#2 Mason Raymond
#1 Alex Stalock (but I've heard "Shot Save Puck Still Loose" FAR TOO OFTEN, homeslice!)

I like announcers that give both teams stars of the game... unlike certain announcers in the Twin Cities Metro Area.

Now, for the Numbers:

Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: 25
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total: still hangin' on at 11

My "Guys" Competition:
Matt Niskanen: 7
Etc.: 0

Freshmen Competition:
Fulton: 2
Akins: 1
Stalock: 1
And The Rest: 0

I want to see some freshmen on the scoreboard tomorrow for the 'Dogs! I also hope to see Logan Gorsalitz on the Curry line for the 'Dogs tomorrow.

And as for my "guys," you're letting Nisky run away with the field! Let's step it up! And hey, that goes for the rest of you. You don't have to be one of my "guys" to be a rock star. In the grand scheme of things, you're all my "guys".

Beat the Red Menace!
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Thank you tUMD Penalty Box/tBeersong for the image.

19 October 2006

When You Say Wisconsin, You've Said Too Much

Little known fact: I didn't even know that was a Budweiser jingle until earlier this year. Please, like I would ever drink Budweiser. I am a lady, and I deserve nothing but the best. It's Miller High Life or nothing at all, thank you.

Anyway, the Bulldogs are preparing to march on the capital in protest of these so-called "National Champions." It's time for their Bolshevik Reign of Terror and Trap-Style Hockey to end. I remember I went into the Kohl Center two years ago, and I saw a sign hanging up above the rink. It seemed strange at the time, and so I noted it, as a good investigative journalist would do (should I ever want to be one). I guess Wisconsin was just trying to remind us they were a very inclusive institution.

1. Whatever wears a striped shirt is an enemy.
2. Whatever plays on the point, or on the wing, is a friend.
3. No hockey player shall harm a tent.
4. No hockey player shall play against a team that has an offensive mascot.
5. No hockey player shall drink alcohol.
6. No hockey player shall dive on the ice.
7. All hockey players are equal.

So, I happened to be watching a Wisconsin hockey game on TV last year, and I saw the same banner, but it looked slightly different.

1. Whatever wears a striped shirt is an enemy a friend that won't call us for blatant slashing.
2. Whatever plays on the point, or on the wing, in front of the net and blocks shots is a friend.
3. No hockey player shall harm a tent unless the tent was a threat to them.
4. No hockey player shall play against a team that has an offensive mascot unless it is in our conference.
5. No hockey player shall drink alcohol at Blarney's.
6. No hockey player shall dive on the ice unless another player touches them.
7. All hockey players are equal.

And then this year, an anonymous source sent me this picture of Wisconsin hockey players changing the banner. It now reads only a single sentence:

All hockey players are equal, but goalies are more equal than others.

Okay, yeah yeah yeah, all this means is, without their goalie and their shot-blocking, the Commies have nothing. We have got the total package. No one from our team had to be hospitalized during the last series, no one person from our team is the difference between 0-0 ties and 7-0 losses, no one from our team defected, and very few people left due to graduation. If Wisconsin makes it through this weekend with a point or two, they should consider themselves lucky. Once we're firing on all cylinders, this Bulldogs team is going to be unbelievable. You heard it here, although probably not first.

This weekend, even Bucky Badger himself would rather be DEAD than RED. Rise up, Bulldogs, and throw down the shackles of your communist oppressors!

16 October 2006

Details, Details

Well, the weekend's over, I finally have a day off, and there's so much to write about... and it's GOOD.

What? Oh, I'm sorry. I was distracted. Why does everyone look so much hotter than they did in those stupid team photos from the roster?? This is posted up on the Camrose Kodiaks website, as all four of these handsome guys are Kodiak alumni.

Also, I unearthed my program from last year and discovered that I was wrong. Matt McKnight did actually get a new picture this year, he is just wearing the same thing and has almost exactly the same expression on his face.

Chris writes over at Maverick Hockey Nation about starting the season off the right way. The Mavs are a 1-1-0 team, and we are a 1-0-1 team, but it's all binary. After last year's October, when we had only one win (the Mike Curry Scoring Extravaganza at Tech), things were looking grim. There's nothing grim about the start to this season, and it feels great.

So, we're not going to nitpick about the shorthanded goals we gave up (3), but we are going to celebrate the wonderful 7/14 power play awesomeness. Sources say we have a much different power play plan of attack, and DHG will be asking Bruce if that is thanks to Bill Watson. Now I have to think of another question to Ask The Booth. Maybe they should just call it Ask The Bruce. I like that better.

The line combinations seem to be working well. Lines 2 and 3 are rolling, and Line 1 is like a freaking scoring bomb just waiting to go off. Line 4 obviously hasn't been solidified yet, but Saturday (when I actually was able to listen to the game) it sounded like the Gorsalitz-McFarland-Curry line was working well.

Goaltending? I'm not concerned. Stalock sounds like he will only get better, he's already confident enough to play the puck in some tight situations (which almost resulted in a goal for UML, but them's the breaks). I don't know what else to say on that note, because Johnson and Ziegelmann only played 1 period of exhibition hockey. We all thought we'd see two goalies last weekend, so any speculation is just... speculation.

Final Thought: It totally rocks to see defensemen scoring. The forwards have scored 6 goals, and the defense has scored 4. Whoa, 6 + 4 = 10. 10 goals in one weekend? I love it.

14 October 2006

That's The Way (Uh Huh, Uh Huh) I Like It (Uh Huh, Uh Huh)

UMD 7, UML 3.

Let me tell you, I have never heard a sweeter sound than the voice of Bruce Ciskie, as In-The-Doghouse Alleged Webmaster finally, finally figured out what was coming between me and my hockey. It was a codec we needed to install, in case you cared. But you don't, which is cool. I'm ok with that.

Recap tomorrow. I guess. My brain is fried from work.

Contest Updates:

My Guys:
Nisky: 6 (Sweet Georgia Brown!)
Everyone Else: Zippo

Fulton: 2
Akins: 1
Stalock: 1
And The Rest: 0


13 October 2006


I'm sleepy, so I'm not going to write up a whole recap. I'm majorly pissed that I'm having some sort of internet issue, and was unable to listen to the game. UMDDogz and DA totally sold me down the river, I couldn't listen at either of their homes.

Before you offer me internet advice (which I would LOVE), let me give you a few facts:
1: I can play other radio stations with warpradio, no problem.
2: The stupid commercial plays, and then when it's done, it goes silent.
3: I am, to use the parlance of our times, "receiving packets," but there is no sound.
4: The volume is all the way up.

This is not your ordinary problem. But if you can help, please do. Or I might die. Of spontaneous combustion.

UMD tied UML tonight, 3-3. Number of Even-Strength Goals: 0. Number of Power Play goals: 3 UMD, 1 UML. Number of Shorthanded goals: 0 UMD, 2 UML.

In the "My Guys" Competition, Matt Niskanen gets a quick 2 points, with 1 goal and 1 assist. Everyone else has a goose egg so far.

In the Freshmen Competition (which is the same as the My Guys Competition, except for all freshmen), the leader is currently Alex Stalock, with 1 assist. Seriously. The goalie is the leader in the Freshmen Competition. That's pretty freaking sweet.

In non-Bulldog news, Hotter Than Hott Hottie Darcy Zajac scored the winning goal in OT for the Fighting Sioux.

More tomorrow.

Once A Bulldog, Always A Bulldog

Check out The DECC is Stacked! for a rundown of what Bulldogs are doing now. At least, where hockey is related. You'll never know if Todd Smith really did move back to Alaska to work construction.

B-b-b-baby, You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet

So, the 'Dogs beat... oh crap I can't even remember their name... oh, Lakehead. See what the hottie lists did to me? My brain is mush!

Anyway, chalk one up for the good ol' USA... oh, right. Seven Canadians on our team... right, then.

That last game was just a teaser. It didn't even count. Mike Curry's still got 0 points on the year. So even though we won, 8-1, we're still looking for that first win. But that's cool. Any team that gets invited to the annual Gophers Invite Cupcake Teams So We Don't Get Embarrassed At Our Own Tournament (GICTSWDGEAOOT, for short) can't be that hard to beat. They are coming off an exhibition win as well, against some place called St. Francis Xavier. They've got 11 freshmen. They're on the road. We are awesome. The DECC may fall down on their heads. There's fear in their hearts.

It's not going to be a blowout (I said that last weekend, and look!), but we are going to win both games this weekend. We are going to sweep, and it will rock, and we'll see wins from Josh Johnson and Alex Stalock. Mike Curry will have an assist, Carroll's going to get a goal, Michael Gergen's going to get a goal, and many, many other people are going to get many, many points.

Now excuse me while I go to bed.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UMTC

FINALLY, the last team. I was going to do the Gophers list earlier, but oh my god, I almost fell asleep. So I left it to the last. Bad mistake. It's after midnight, and I still have to write my preview.

I don't think I'll be doing this next year. It sucks.

The Good
THERE IS NO ONE GOOD. I didn't even give out a "pity" good.

The Bad
RJ Anderson and Tyler Hirsch are wearing the same tie. Whose is it?
Someone put a bowl on Ryan Flynn's head, and cut his hair around it. I think Evan Kauffman shaved about 1 minute before this picture was taken, and he still grew back stubble.
This team is like the Revenge of the Nerds. Tri-Lams at UMTC include Tom Pohl, Mike Vanelli, Ryan Stoa, Brent Solei, Jim O'Brien, Jeff Frazee, Mike Carman, and David Fischer. I feel like they would rather have a LAN party or an Obfuscated Code Contest than play hockey.
Continuing the Life Imitates Mascots theme, Justin Bostrom looks like Goldy, while Derek Peltier reminds me of Champ. Tony Lucia should consider himself lucky he didn't inherit the Sonic the Hedgehog gene.
Jay Barriball is "L-I-V-I-N," and looks like Matthew McConaughey's character in Dazed and Confused. Kellen Briggs looks like a convict.
Alex Goligoski was once a hottie. What happened, man? The only people who were even close this year were Mike Howe and Blake Wheeler. What would have happened if Kyle Okposo had only smiled???
Erik Johnson just looks... weird. And Ben Gordon and Brian Schack Failed To Impress.

The Ugly
I guess there isn't anyone specifically "ugly" either. I did give a few pity "not uglies" though.


So, that means next year, players won't be LINKING TO ME from their FACEBOOK PROFILES.

12 October 2006

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: SCSU

Last year, when no one from St. Cloud made the All-Hottie team, someone commented, "I guess SCSU is a bunch of uggos." I would argue that, on the whole, that's true, but there's a few glimmers of hope.

The Good
Matt Hartman has really stepped it up this year, and although he's probably not going to make the top Hottie list this year, he's still lookin' pretty good. Marty Mjelleli and David Carlisle did, too. I guess they don't like the term freshman at St. Cloud, possibly because of the "man" suffix, so they say "First Year." Well, "First Year" Ryan Peckskamp is also on the Good list.

The Bad
As always, there are People Who Look Like Famous People. Da Huskies have John Swanson, who reminds me of Steve from Sex and the City, and Ryan Lasch, who looks like Andy Gibb. Someone who no longer resembles a celebrity is Aaron Brocklehurst, who I once though looked like Jim Morrison. Alas, no more.
In the People Who Look Like Non-Famous People I Know category, Bobby Goepfert channels The Alleged Webmaster's current co-worker, who drunkenly promised to follow the Bulldogs this year in order to understand their greatness. This person also yelled "I HOPE DENVER WINS" at me after I yelled at him while listening to the second game of the WCHA first round playoffs this March.
I know MeanEGirl is dying inside because I didn't pick Casey Borer for the list, but how many times do I have to say, you can supply photographic evidence to support your cause. I just don't see it.
Ever have one of those facial tics where your eye twitches? Craig Gaudet had one during his picture. I think Andreas Nodl is trying to sell me a car that has "speed holes" in it and sawdust in the gas tank. Matt Stephenson is possibly a robot.
AJ Gale and Grant Clafton must have had a late night prior to picture day, and it shows. Justin Fletcher and Chris Anderson scare me.
Jon Ammerman, Garrett Raboin, Nate Raduns, and Gary Houseman were close to making the Good list. Andrew Gordon and Jake Weslosky confused me: are they hott and have a bad picture? Or nott? Something's not quite right. I wasn't confused at all about BJ O'Brien though. Definitely the Bad list. Count Nate Dey on the "Failed To Impress" list.
I think Michael Olson's birthdate has a typo. It should read 5/17/74, not 84.

The Ugly
Sweet Mother of Mercy, Dan Kronick is even more ugly than last year.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: CC

We're in the home stretch, people!

I have to say, my biggest complaint about CC has been a serious lack of effort. This is the same crap that happened two years ago, when I started the Hottie Team. I swear they took their pictures right after practice. You'll understand why.

The Good
There's only one entry on the CC Good list, and it's Dan Quilico, and I'm sure people will disagree. But you know what? Make your own damn list. Oh yes, the claws are comin' out.

The Bad
If I put one brother on the Bad list, I've gotta put the other one, too. It's only fair. So sorry, Lee Sweatt, you were close this year, and sorry, Bill Sweatt, but you're just too young-looking. (No, Anonymous Poster, I do NOT like Aaron Carter.) There's always next year... for one of you, at least. That also means Mike Testwuide is S.O.L., too.
I guess CC is the place to play hockey after you've gotten out of prison, as Brandon Polich, Chris Kawano, Scott McCulloch and Braydon Cox all look like they've done hard time.
Non-celebrity look-alikes include Kris Fredheim, who looks like a Navy buddy of mine, except cracked out; Chad Rau, who looks like this kid who worked in the Nuclear Radiation Lab with me, if that kid had brown hair instead of blonde; Cody Lampl, who looks eerily like Marco Peluso; and Nate Prosser, who reminds me somewhat of my sister-in-law's ex-boyfriend, a man who once told me "Dale Earnhardt is the greatest man who ever lived," without a drop of sarcasm in his voice.
Brandon Straub must have been the first person to have his picture taken, since it looks like he just took his helmet off. The rest of the guys had a little time to at least do some finger combing, or use one of those black combs you get for free during school pictures. UMDDogz knows all about those.
Jack Hillen and James Brannigan look really, really old for college hockey. Matt Zaba not only looks old, but also very '70s, which makes sense, because doesn't it seem like he's been at CC for, like, 30 years?
On the flip side, there are so many young-looking guys on this team I was thinking it was a Pee-Wee team. Addison DeBoer, Brian Connelly, Matt Overman, Andreas Vlassopoulous and Brian McMillin (and the aforementioned Billy Sweatt) all look like freshmen... in high school.
It seems like Jake Gannon and Derek Patrosso had a bad practice, as they are totally grumpy-looking. Maybe Scott Thauwald could cheer them up, as he looks like he is a funny, funny man.
Drew O'Connell is going to get off easy, as I couldn't think of a sassy remark for him. Lucky you, man. Oh wait, how about: you look like Bucky Badger, too.

The Ugly
Jimmy Kilpatrick once speared a Bulldog player, and thus he resides on the Uggo list.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UW

Well, it's snowing here, and I'm still bringing you top notch investigative reporting. This post features our defending national champions.

The Good
Okay, let me tell you: this was not fun. The only WCHA All-Hottie Team Member from UW last year was AJ Degenhart, and he's not around anymore. All I could come up with was Davis Drewiske and Matt Ford, and I'm not exactly jumping up and down about those choices.

The Bad
Let me tell you: it's never good to resemble your own mascot, and both Michael Davies and Brian Elliott do. Speaking of Elliotts, Jake Dowell reminds me of David James Elliott, aka Harmon Rabb, Jr. from JAG. And though Jeff Likens looks nothing like The Fonz, doesn't it seem like he's saying "Heyyyyyy!"? Sit on it. And what would our '70s flashback be without Jamie McBain, whose doppelganger I saw in my dad's 1974 Duluth East yearbook.
Are we tired of all the segues yet? Well, now I got nothin'.
Josh Engel doesn't look like anyone you might have heard of, but he looks like someone I know. And that person only wears leather, never leaves his house without gauntlets on his wrists, and sings Megadeth's "Symphony of Destruction" at any karaoke event. Joe Piskula also looks like someone I know, who is unfortunately nicknamed "The Boy" because he is a man-child, and the only thing he is good at is playing bass guitar.
I was really disappointed in Jack Skille, because I thought he'd be hot. I don't know why, I guess it just sounds like the name a hot person would have. However, Runnin' With The 'Dogs sounds like a website run by a hack who lives in a van down by the river, so I guess I shouldn't talk. (And yet, I have wireless internet!)
Close only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes, so it's tough luck for Ross Carlson, Kyle Klubertanz, and Aaron Bendickson, all of whom could have made the Good list if not for... well, I'm not quite sure. But it was something.
It was a cruel trick to surprise Jeff Henderson by popping up with the camera without a warning. I'd probably look like that, too. And someone, preferrably with red curly hair, should remind Andy Bohmbach that you're never fully dressed without a smile.
What would a Bad list be without a Jutting relative? Ben Grotting must be a very very distant cousin, to make the Bad list and not the Ugly one.
And of course, a common category on the Bad list is either people who look way too young (Blake Geoffrion, Nigel Williams, Ben Street [except for the semi-mustache], Zach Bearson, and Ryan Jeffery) or way too old (Matt Olinger or Andy Brandt. And Andrew Joudrey looks like he has played in the NHL since before they made helmets mandatory.) to be playing college hockey.
Okay, the snarkiness is wearing on me. I'm so glad I've only got 3 more schools to go. Uggggh, that's still a lot of players. Anyway, moving along, I think the Mystery Machine is missing one passenger in John Mitchell.
And finally, because I just seriously can't think of anything else to make boring-looking people sound at least interesting, we have our entrants in the Failed To Impress category: Shane Connelly and Tom Gorowsky. Believe it or not, there were quite a few more names in that mini-list ten minutes ago.

The Ugly
The good thing about most of your players being relatively boring-looking is getting no one banished to the ugly list.

...and, I'm spent. I'm hoping to finish this up tomorrow, but oh my god is it driving me crazy. Just be thankful, comrades, because it's all for you.

10 October 2006

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: MTU and MSU-M

I call this the Where My Girls At edition, in honor of MeanEGirl and LetsGoMavs.

First up: Michigan Tech Huskies. I have to apologize for these links, because they go to the team's yearbook, so they are pdf files and sort of annoying. Especially if you don't have Adobe Acrobat, but seriously, if you don't have it, you probably don't have a computer.

The Good
All right, lets start with the best of the best: goalie Rob Nolan. Goalies tend to be either hott (i.e. Jake Brandt, Nate Lawson, etc) or nott (i.e. Isaac Reichmuth, yeesh!), and Rob is sizzling!
Taking a red shirt last season allowed Malcolm Gwilliam to cultivate a Beatles-like haircut that nearly kept him off the list, but his smile got to me. Joining Malcolm on the list are sophomores Ryan Angelow, who barely made the cut, and Mike VanWagner, as well as junior Tyler Shelast, he of the perfectly messy hair and impish smile.
Incoming freshmen Ryan Bunger and Drew Dobson, who looks like Kyle Lohse. Let's hope he doesn't behave the same way, too.

The Bad
In the Close But No Cigar category, we have Alex Gagne, Jimmy "Not The One Who Went to RWD's High School" Kerr, Alex Lord and Geoff Kinrade, who could both be Hotties come next season, and the malicious Mark Malekoff.
If I can't see your picture, I can't really judge you, John Kivisto. What are you hiding?
Phil Axtell and Jake Wilkens, why so blue, panda bears? Speaking of fuzzy animals, if Jordan Foote got those caterpillars waxed off, he might have a shot. And Kevin Hackey kind of resembles Goldy, which I suppose you could also consider a celebrity likeness. Speaking of celebrity likenesses, I think Justin St. Louis is trying to emulate Tiger Woods' creepy facial expressions.
Lars Helminen looks like he took "Watch the birdie" seriously. Derek Kitti looks like this creepy kid I went to high school with.
I happen to think Michael-Lee Teslak could be good looking, but he has hair like he should be on a St. Pauli Girl bottle. Tyler Skworchinski looks like he took a shower, then jammed a baseball cap on his head, removing it nanoseconds before the photo was taken.
In the caveman look-alike contest, we have a clear winner in Peter Rouleau. Winning the Little Brother competition is Eli Vlaisavljevich.

The Ugly
I'm sorry, John Schwarz, but if you look like Troy Jutting's son, there's only one category for you.
Mike Batovanja looks like he is storing nuts for the winter. Potentially to feed his eyebrows.

Moving along, we've got the Mavericks from Mankato Minnesota State.

The Good
Getting this out of the way, I know I'd probably be harrassed nonstop if I didn't put RJ Linder on the list. Good thing for Miss Mavs, I agree with her judgment. The only other entry on the Good list for MSU-M is Blake Friesen, and I think I was being kind here.

The Bad
Okay, so the first person I clicked on was Mike Zacharias, and I was like whoa, uggo. But then there was another Mike Zacharias link, which was very confusing. Will the real Mike Zacharias please stand up? I think I've got the right one, and he's much less uggo than the faux Zacharias, who turned out to be Chris Clark. I think.
I know earlier this year someone was lobbying for Dan Tormey to be on the Hottie list, but I just don't see it. Sorry, girl.
In our Celebrity Look-Alike contest, we have James Gaulrapp, who looks like that Ryan Wolff guy who no one likes on CSI: Miami, and Ryan Gunderson, who reminds me of Jay Leno. Hey, Steven Wagner could be an extra on Prison Break. Jon Kalinski somewhat resembles Mr. Ed.
I guess the team photos were taken at, like, 5:00 a.m. after a night of hard drinking, because Lucas Fransen and Jason Wiley look like they just woke up. Brian Kilburg, Nick Canzanello, Joel Hanson, and Trevor Bruess didn't even have time to do their hair (and it looks like Trevor put his bridge in crooked!) Zach Harrison and Mick Berge look like they were on a 3-day bender.
There were a few people who were close to the good list, such as Kael Mouillierat, Travis Morin (I have to say this, Miss Mavs will kill me otherwise), and Kurtis Kisio.
And then there were those close to the bad list, like Jerad Stewart and Geoff Irwin, who should know that shaved heads are not sexy (Right Said Fred is not too sexy for anything!), Matt Tyree, who looks decades older than his teammates, and the unfortunate Chad Brownlee (sorry about getting your head squished in a vice!).

The Ugly
Normally I haven't been including coaches, but you can't have Ugly without Troy Jutting. And Kevin Huck, who looks like he could also be Jutting's son.

Okay, that's enough for now. This is harder than it looks, people.