The All-WCHA Hottie Teams

For reals this time.

Coach: Jamie Russell*****
Assistant Coach: Brett Larson*
Blogger: Ryan Lambert, The Two-Line Pass

1st team:
F Mike Seidel, UMD
F Ryan Peckskamp***, SCSU
F Chris VandeVelde***, UND
D Ben Youds*, MSUM
D Drew Olson, UMD
G Brett Bennett, UW

2nd team:
F Mitch Bruijsten, UAA
F Craig Smith, UW
F Justin Jokinen*, MSUM
D Kane Lafranchise**, UAA
D Matt Donovan, DU
G Lars Paulgaard*, DU

3rd Team:
F Drew Akins, UMD
F Darcy Zajac**, UND
F Malcolm Gwilliam**, MTU
D Jake Gardiner, UW
D William Wrenn, DU
G Aaron Crandall, UMD

Freshman Team:
F Mike Seidel, UMD
F Craig Smith, UW
F Mitch Bruijsten, UAA
D Drew Olson, UMD
D Matt Donovan, DU
G Aaron Crandall, UMD

* denotes two-time honoree
** denotes three-time honoree
*** denotes four-time honoree
***** denotes six-time honoree

Notes
I know I said last year that the All-Hottie First Team goalie was to be renamed in honor of Robby Nolan, but, um, it was an especially rough year for the goalies. I mean, we have our 2nd-team All-Hottie goalie with Kate Gosselin's old haircut.
MTU has already updated their roster so I don't have a pic for Malcolm.
UMD's website is stupid and doesn't have links to individual players. I have some creative results.
I probably could have put together an All-Albino team this year. Frickin' scary, people.

The All-WCHA Hottie Teams

There is one thing that sets RWD apart from all other college hockey blogs. No, not its utter uselessness, as there are many other useless college hockey blogs. It is the All-WCHA Hottie Awards, which are generally done in April, but due to 1. Laziness and 2. Extreme Workaholicness, here they are in May. For those of you who were in a panic, thinking they weren't coming, fear not. I always come through for my readers... eventually.

So, here we are!

Coach: Jamie Russell****, MTU
Assistant Coach: Brett Larson, UMD
Blogger: StartTheBus of The Bus Stops Here! Still the greatest blog to ever come out of St. Cloud!

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
Once in awhile, there comes along a hottie so amazing that he needs singling out. After four years of dominating the All-Hottie List and the hearts of college hockey fans, he has graduated and there will be a gaping void in his place. Not only is he an amazingly hot hottie on the outside, he's an incredibly nice person on the inside, and really, when you're hot, you don't have to be nice. (At least this is my excuse.) So, Robby Nolan, I am naming the First Team All-Hottie Goalie spot after you. I will miss you and your crazy sweatpants ritual before games, your blindingly white teeth, your penchant for wearing very strange clothing, your handsome face, and your kindness. Best of luck as you begin the next leg of your journey!

1st team:
F MacGregor Sharp**, UMD
F Malcolm Gwillam*, MTU
F Darcy Zajac*, UND
D Geoff Kinrade*, MTU
D David Carlisle*, SCSU
G Robby Nolan***, MTU

2nd team:
F Ryan Peckskamp**, SCSU
F Jack Connolly, UMD
F Chris VandeVelde**, UND
D JP Testwuide*, DU
D Brady Lamb, UMD
G Alex Stalock*, UMD

3rd Team:
F Michael Gergen*, UMD
F Jordan Baker*, MTU
F Matt Greer, UMD
D Kane LaFranchise*, UAA
D Drew Dobson*, MTU
G Mike Zacharias, MSUM

Freshman Team:
F Jack Connolly, UMD
F Jake Hansen, UMTC
F Justin Jokinen, MSUM
D Brady Lamb, UMD
D Nicholas Rioux, SCSU
G Lars Paulgaard, DU

* denotes two-time honoree
** denotes three-time honoree
*** denotes four-time honoree
**** denotes five-time honoree

Some notes:
CC players are missing because their roster pix are all down.
MSUM and MTU have their new rosters up, and so their seniors are missing and I had to get creative.

UMD's website doesn't have links to individual players, so again, creativity. Argh.
UW players are missing because they are ugly.

The freshman team was very painful to put together. Half the guys on there are just plugged in because I had to put someone. And yes, I know, Paulgaard looks insane.

Rehab

Losers 2, Winners 2
(A tie is now referred to as a "Tech win.")

The best thing about late posts is they are usually better. We shall see. I'm still trying to piece together the weekend. Thank goodness for the many people who contributed to the invention of the digital camera. And thank goodness for the delete button on said camera!

I am sorry in advance that this post is full of dumb inside jokes. Unless you are in on those jokes, in which case I am not sorry. You might be, but I can't help that.

Friday night was pretty tame, as I mentioned in that post, which seems so long ago now. This meant my fellow shortie and I were well-rested for the day, and we started it off standing out in the cold heckling an IM broomball game. People at Tech are very serious about broomball. They are not serious about playing defence in their broomball games, though. We also ate at a Chinese food place that did not take my food before I was done eating it nor did it have someone trying to put lemons in the water of non-lemon likers, and I also got to be a creeper for a few minutes because a player walked in. I thought maybe Chinese food was a good thing to eat before games but in fact that person could have eaten a bucket of lard and it would not have mattered because he did not play.

The hockey part of the day started early as I had to go to the VP and Yager's IM hockey game. Many of those people were equally as talented as MTU's varsity squad, and I do not mean that in a complimentary fashion, less the VP think I was being nice. Word to the wise: I AM NEVER NICE. Some of tUMD's fans were at the game, too, as they had nothing better to do. It was very enjoyable as we all sang the "$5 footlongs" song and made up cheers about our friends. I think the IM puck bunnies (sooo incredibly unnecessary) did not like us. It's okay, though. The VP went offsides and ruined everything at one point. Stick to VPing, VP.

I got in free to both games, Friday compliments of Le Russell, my secret boyfriend, and Saturday compliments of getting there so freaking early so I could stalk and the ROTC kids weren't there yet to guard the doors. You know, when I was in ROTC we did crap like that to make money for the battalion but I was stuck 1. covered in cold hot chocolate 2. hauling a giant thing of overpriced sodas through the upper deck of Memorial Stadium trying to hawk them to people who did not want them or 3. cleaning up soggy popcorn, mini-booze bottles, and nearly-liquid funnel cake the day after the Illini got their butts whipped by the rest of the Big 10. I think taking tickets would have been more fun and less freaking nasssty.

I am glad that we arrived as early as we did because later on tUMD started doing their little warmups and they were doing their plios/stretching EXACTLY WHERE I HAD WALKED IN A MERE 20 MINUTES PRIOR. And if I had walked into that I THINK I WOULD HAVE DIED. I commented on this, saying I would have wanted to RUN AWAY FAST like I did once when I told Justin Fontaine "Good game" at Blackwoods and then RAN AWAY before he could even answer (he said "Thanks" I think). MEg pointed out I'd look even more crazy if I did, and I said I wasn't planning on actually running away, just wishing I was going to run away. Fortunately that nightmare only happened in my head.

The game was even more fun somehow even though we "Tech lost." Sadly, the Tech students did not decide to show up to the game, but we were there to help by once again occupying their student section. tPBers came up with some GREAT chants and we had a lot of fun going back and forth with the Tech fans. I horribly embarrassed MEg because it was really quiet in the arena because they were having some sort of sportsmanship announcement from their captain and it was very poorly read, like a robot or something, and I was yelling about it. I know that I often say that I wish I was louder but in this case it was unnecessary because MEg told me that she happened to be focusing on one particular Tech player and the instant I opened my big fat mouth to bellow out "COULD YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE?" he looked at me like my words were stabbing him in the eyes.

It was very hard to watch the game because of all of the goings-on. Tech jumped out to an early lead and then Gergy got a goal and I was so excited and happy. He seemed that way, too. We all chanted "Just like last night!" which was a great idea. It was incredibly strange because it was a PP goal and the assists went to Andrew Carroll and Nick Kemp, and they are not normally on the PP. But good job! Yeah! Between periods I followed MEg to the other side of the arena to climb up and meet Huskyfan. I needed some oxygen. I don't know why old people would want to sit so high up. I am young and I almost needed Boosh to carry me up. I don't know why I didn't think of that then. Then we went to the Blue Line club to meet MacDie and some lady started screaming that a Bulldog fan had entered as if I was carrying the bubonic plague or something. I mean, maybe I was, but still, calm down. It was 100 degrees in there. MacDie offered me some food but I declined (I DECLINED FOOD. IT'S SO UN-AMERICAN.) because of the death stares I was getting. I got a cup of water and even then people were all "Bitch get away from our jugs of wine." This provided an excellent distraction for Boosh to make off with half of their buffet.

The second period was good because Meyers got a goal and then Seth Soley breathed too close to Alex Stalock and he went down like he was Geoff Kinrade. Hee. (I am sorry Al but you know you totally flopped.) Akins went all Akins on Soley and Palm and Bunger bear-hugged for awhile so they all went to time out. It took a very long time to sort out the penalties and then there were net problems. I was nervous because we could not afford to get any DQs. I am always nervous at games, though. I think I was clutching Marty at one point. At the 2nd intermission tUMD fans put on a parade and marched through the arena to find the fan bus fans. They cheered when we came over and we cheered for them. Then we walked back through the concourse chanting "LET'S GO BULLDOGS!" and people stared.

The 3rd period sucked because Weird Derek Kitti scored the game-tying goal and I knew, I just KNEW, we were not going to score another goal. I should have worn a different jersey. Or something. Or maybe I should have sabotaged some of the guys. They (and their LLC) were in close proximity to me for much of the trip. And they didn't even know it. Muahahahaha. Overtime sucked too. We seriously almost lost the game like 600 times. Or once. I was sitting in a weird seat that was at the top of the stairs and so I had to hold onto the railing to keep from rocketing down the stairs. After the game ended we chanted "BEAT THE GOPHERS" and everyone stared at us like "What are Gophers?" Hello, we were trying to be nice.

After the game, things happened. The end.

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season's total: Not even necessary!
Points until we equal last season's total: Eee!

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 31!
Jack Connolly: 22
Michael Gergen: 14!
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 27!
Jack Connolly: 22
Scott Kishel: 2
Brady Lamb: 1
Travis Oleksuk: 1
David Grun: 0

On Notice
Rob Bordson
Andrew Carroll
Jay Cascalenda
Jack Connolly (whyyyyyyyy?)
Jordan Fulton
Kyle Schmidt
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Matt Greer
Nick Kemp
Mike Montgomery
Trent Palm

The Gauntlet: Insane Tubers Edition

The Gauntlet started off as such a great project, until I ran out of people to Gauntlet for long periods of time. FINALLY I found someone worthy of my witticisms: Crazy Potatoes (I know, stupid name! But I didn't make it up), the Vice President of Michigan Tech's "Mitch's Misfits."

RWD: First off, I just have to ask you: Why are you a Tech hockey fan?

VP: Well, for one I go to Tech, but I don't think that's the answer you're looking for. [Way to end a sentence with a preposition!]

RWD: Another Tech fan submitted that question. S/he doesn't understand why. [Specifically, s/he said VP didn’t have an “18 October 2003.”]

VP: Well, mostly because I love hockey, and I love Tech, so it's natural for me to be a Tech fan.

RWD: I feel like those are two mutually exclusive principles.

VP: But, it also doesn't hurt that my first college hockey experiences were the GLI tournaments [aka the Beat Up On Tech Invitational] while visiting relatives in Detroit, or that my dad is a Tech alum, along with two of my uncles.

RWD: Oh, people who might actually remember when Tech was good?

VP: Yeah, exactly.

RWD: How did a sophomore become Vice President of Mitch's Misfits? [Naivete, I think.]

VP: Well, MEg started noticing I was on all the road trips last year (I think I only missed out on UAA and Mercyhurst last year, so I was at all but 4 games), and so we became friends and it just kinda went from there.

RWD: Hah. I didn't notice you on road trips. [Evidently the VP was at the UMD, SCSU, and UMTC Tech games I attended as well as the Final Five and I never noticed. How sad. For him.]

VP: I don't know what she saw in me though, I'm a terrible person. [Hear that? That’s the sound of NO ONE ARGUING.]

RWD: You even spawned a new term in the college hockey lexicon. What exactly does it mean to "VP?"

VP: Heh. I wouldn't quite say it's in the college hockey lexicon; maybe the MTU college hockey lexicon.

RWD: Well, it's no "MNS." [In case you were unaware, “MNSing” it is “not knowing what you were supposed to do.”]

VP: Yeah, exactly.

RWD: But, continue.

VP: Anyway, you know how when you put your thumb over the nozzle of a hose and it sprays with a greater force? (Yay fluid dynamics!) [Yay continuity equation! vA = constant for an incompressible fluid!!!] Just apply that concept to puking and you get VPing.

RWD: There will be no VPing anywhere near me this weekend. While we're playing dictionary, what does "Tech hot" mean? [Extremely long pause.] Are you looking it up or what?

VP: Well if we're talking about the hockey team this year [which I am not], it would probably mean consecutive non-losses [Has that even occurred? Oh, yeah, when they tied tUMD {ugh} and swept NMU], but the actual usage is an average- to slightly-above-average-looking girl that is considered "hot" since there are not that many girls up here.

RWD: Would you consider RWD "Tech hot?"

VP: Sure, why not? [Oh, I can think of a few reasons. The giant warts on my face, for starters.]

RWD: What about regular hot?

VP: That might be pushing it.

RWD: Ouch. [Not into warts, I see.]

VP: Just be glad I didn't say that to the Tech hot question.

RWD: I almost blasted you for not speaking in the 3rd person there. [This is some sort of weird tradition on USCHO started to make fun of some person who hasn’t posted on USCHO in like 3 years.] MEg thinks I'm regular hot.

VP: That's because you'll make out with her.

RWD: I see. So why has Mitch's Misfits [a Tech student section, named after Mitch Lake, professional creeper] fallen apart under your watch?

VP: Well, Tech's record hasn't exactly helped. It's hard to get the fair-weather fans into the game when you're down 3-0 in the first, but it's also due to the free student tickets that came as a result of the Tech Experience initiative they passed. People have no real investment in the games since they get in free, so they just kinda take up space, don't bother learning the cheers, and end up walking out early. There's also a decrease in the willingness of the e-board to drop everything to focus on the Misfits; Bill's a CC, Z's never around [Do I even know that person?], I have a double-major to work on along with (playing) hockey, broomball and skiing, and Alaska is in a frat. [So what he’s saying is, he sucks and so do all of the other MM officers.] MEg's [slavish] dedication to the Misfits, beyond just being a fan, is hard to match, especially with a completely fresh e-board. [I like how the lesson here is “Never try.”]

RWD: MEg is certainly dedicated. So is [was?] Shirtless Guy. Have you ever been hypnotized by the rhythmic jiggling of Shirtless Guy's stomach?

VP: I tend to try and not look at it, but it does remind me of the Goonies.

RWD: Fascinating. So why aren't you dedicated to the Misfits?

VP: Because I'm busy with school, work, hockey, broomball, skiing and... not consuming alcohol... [That last one generally helps with dedication and commitment.]

RWD: That's tragic. How many days til you're 21?

VP: Still on months (exactly 7 months from Thursday.) [Guess what? There are days in months!]

RWD: Then you'll have more fun on road trips. [And we will not ditch you! Maybe.] What has been your favorite road trip this year?

VP: Well it's kinda hard to beat Alaska.

RWD: You could beat him with a sack of doorknobs.

VP: Yes, but I don't think he'd let us stay at his house in Alaska then...

RWD: I see. [You can always shack up with Donald! I just hope you like putting lotion on your skin.] So, other than hockey, what is there to do in Houghton?

VP: [copying and pasting] (10:48:38 PM) [why the heck do people have the time stamp in their AIM windows? It’s as weird as keeping AIM logs saved on one’s hard drive] me: Because I'm busy with school, work, hockey, broomball, skiing and... not consuming alcohol... [end copy and paste] That stuff. /lame cop out. [God. CS nerds.]

RWD: I can't do many of those things. I was thinking more about visitors to the region. YOU SHOULD BE AN AMBASSADOR FOR YOUR TOWN.

VP: I can't really comment on the bar scene, so I'm gonna say go skiing [There are only two choices?], especially at Mt. Bohemia, which is about 40 minutes north of Houghton. Best skiing in the Midwest. [Uh, that’s like saying the coldest spot in Death Valley!]

RWD: That is far.

VP: Not relative to the distance most people travel to get to Houghton.

RWD: I suppose. In the warmer months there's golfing, I hear.

VP: Yes, MTU's course is very nice. And very free for students.

RWD: Which Husky is the best golfer?

VP: The BLC golf outing was last August so I don't really remember. [And you say you aren’t drinking.] Lickteig was pretty good though.

RWD: Can't really say anything about his hockey skillz.

VP: Yeah, he went down for the season in practice before the season started. He played decent in the one exhibition game though...

RWD: So who are your favorite Huskies? I usually ask current and all-time, but your fandom isn't very lengthy. [VP’s like “All time? JORDAN FOOTE!”]

VP: I'd have to say Baker, BUNGER!, and Cousens. Or Dobson. Actually yeah, Dobson not Cousens. I get them confused sometimes.

RWD: I see. Not Little Peter? [Rohn]

VP: He's good, but I wouldn't call him a favorite.

RWD: What about Bennett? [Royer]

VP: If he could finish more often, he'd probably be a favorite. Same with Lord.

RWD: I... will not make the comment I am thinking of making. What about Robby?

VP: Nolan? [No, Krieger.] Too inconsistent.

RWD: What about JSL? [Justin St. Louis. Not pronounced Sant Loo-ee.]

VP: He doesn't play much, so no.

RWD: Mike Curry didn't play much. Even when he was on the ice. You don't like any of my Tech faves.

VP: I'm sorry. I judge on how they play.

RWD: Um. Relative to each other, I'm assuming. Since, uh...

VP: Style of play, not necessarily their success as a player.

RWD: What about their hottness? Who is the hottest Husky?

VP: I barely recognize most of them, so I can't really say. [Just look up at the poster you have on your ceiling that you make kissy-faces at every night.]

RWD: You have to answer.

VP: Well I guess I'll go with the answer you want to hear then and say Robby Nolan.

RWD: It's not about what I want to hear. [It happens to be the right answer. There is no room for difference of opinion on this matter.] It's about what's in your heart.

VP: I don't have hockey players in my heart.

RWD: That's sad. [And harsh.] What about Jamie? Is he in your heart?

VP: I'm a fan of the game, not a stalker of players. [To the VP, stalking = loving. Hmm… sounds like the future recipient of a restraining order to me!] Same applies to coaches.

RWD: You can still care. So how is Michigan Tech going to win this weekend?

VP: It's quite possible. I wouldn't be surprised if we managed to pull out a split.

RWD: That isn’t the question. [Sigh.]

VP: Win/Tie Friday, loss Saturday. [He claims to be a sophomore, but he’s acting like a freshman.]

RWD: Still not understanding the question. Do you need a lifeline?

VP: Yes? I'm optimistic with realistic expectations. Yes to the original question. [My brain is bleeding at this point.]

RWD: VP. It's not a yes or no question. My god. Let me rephrase.

VP: Oh wow. [CAN YOU SEE THE LIGHTBULB GOING ON OVER HIS HEAD?]

RWD: What strategy is Michigan Tech going to have to employ in order to be successful this weekend? THAT IS THE QUESTION.

VP: Yes, I see that now. Passing and an aggressive forecheck. [I like how scoring goals is not in the plan. Seems like he’s been drinking the Jamie Russell Kool-Aid.] Also, not skipping the second period would be good too.

RWD: And how will they lose?

VP: Bad passing, dump and watching and skipping the second period. Same way they've managed to lose and tie their way through this season so far.

RWD: Dump and watch. Do you think they do drills on that?

VP: I doubt it, just a lack of effort on the parts of the forwards.

RWD: Who will be in goal? A rotation? Robby? Robo? Robot Chicken?

VP: I'd probably say Robinson since he played pretty well in St. Cloud.

RWD: Does it even matter?

VP: Probably not.

RWD: You could play. You did get some experience with North Dakota last year. [Extremely long pause.] ... [another extremely long pause] ...

VP: I don't believe I played.

RWD: You helped in practice though. [The VP bears an uncanny resemblance to UND’s former 3rd stringer, Landon Snider.] I notice you were not asked back.

VP: Yeah.

RWD: Tragedy.

VP: Indeed.

RWD: So do you see the players around campus a lot?

VP: Every once in a while I'll walk past one, but not all that often.

RWD: So none of them are in any of your classes?

VP: Nope.

VP: CS and Physics aren't exactly popular majors for D1 hockey players. [I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t be. PHYSICS!!!!!!! is amazing!!!]

RWD: Maybe they would play better if they understood physics more thoroughly.

VP: I doubt it; you shouldn't be thinking that much on the ice.

RWD: If you understand physics well you don't really have to think.

VP: I think they've picked up on the necessary intuitive physics by the time they reach NCAA hockey.

RWD: And yet... 1-17-6.

VP: They should brush up on their chemistry; that would help the passing a lot more. A pool player can study geometry as much as he wants [and some physics, too! PHYSICS!!!!], but in the end it all depends on how well he can control how he hits the ball.

RWD: Speaking of balls: when did you grow some?

VP: They've been hanging around for a while. [Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww.]

RWD: Dormant.

VP: Perhaps.

RWD: Do you think it'll drive you crazy when your housemate and your sister start dating?

VP: My sister's previous boyfriend of 2 ½ years was a friend of mine before they met, so probably not too much. I doubt it will happen though.

RWD: What about when your mom and your housemate hook up?

VP: Really? A sister joke followed by a mom joke? You can do better than that. [He seemed prepared for this line of questioning. It must happen a lot.]

RWD: Who is joking?

VP: The implied housemate. My mom and my sister are way out of his league

RWD: I didn't ask who is a joke. So, any last words before we wrap things up?

VP: Nope.

RWD: How about a weekend prediction?

VP: Didn't we go over that when my reading comprehension took a dive? [NO.]

RWD: You have to give scores.

VP: 2-2, 4-2 UMD. [Close, but there will be no tie. tUMD SWEEPS!]

SUBMIT.

Oh, comrades, it is that time again. Only a few weeks before the All-WCHA Hottie Team for 2009 is unleashed on the world. I know Donald's pretty excited.

So, guys and gals (I'm inclusive), is there a player in tWCHA that makes your heart go pitter-pat? Do you have any hott pictures of him, especially in the case where his roster pic is beastly? Please send any hottness evidence (virus-free, please) to runwiththedogs(at)hotmail(dot)com. (Why do I even bother to post it like that? I have so much junk coming to that email address that I almost deleted an important email. Almost-sorry, Dawn!) If you ARE sending me an email, please make it obvious you are a spammer. That means don't title it "Hello Dear," "Irish National Lottery," "URGENT REPLY," "Verify Your Account," or a long string of gibberishy characters.

Note: this is NOT a vote. RWD is a benevolent dictatorship; I will take into account your faves, but there are no guarantees. You may campaign at will, but please note that unlike the Hobey Baker fan vote, no matter how much you, um, stuff my ballot box, Chay Genoway will not make the list.

Additional note: There are a few folks that have been campaigning for their faves all year long, so the rest of you are behind the 8-ball.

Final note: Mr. Seidel is NOT eligible until next year but that does not mean stop campaigning for him...

What Happens in Duluth...

tUMD 3, Guys Just Happy To Get A Goal 1

Yes, I know, this post is extremely late. But things happened. Secret things. And now I'm watching tUMD football and marvelling at the quality of D2 football. And I also kind of feel like death.

Jacky got a goal, which was so exciting, even though I didn't realize it was him until Howie announced it, so I didn't go as ape-[feces] as I should have.

MEg, Yager and I went out with some Duluth friends last night. We had a good time. That is all.

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season's total: 4! (Rollin', rollin', rollin'!)
Points until we equal last season's total: 9! (YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 19! (Ee! Power play goal!)
Jack Connolly: 13! (Off-notice! And scored a totally hott goal!)
Michael Gergen: 7
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 15!
Jack Connolly: 13!
David Grun: 0
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0

On Notice:
Rob Bordson
Andrew Carroll
Jay Cascalenda
Matt Greer
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Drew Akins
Cody Danberg
Michael Gergen
Mike Montgomery
Trent Palm

Touchdown!

tUMD 7, Overrated Kittens 4
tUMD 45, California University That Is Not In California, 7
tUMD 4, Stupid Beavers 1

(Okay, I've been awake for 20 hours, please forgive the incoherence. But I couldn't go to sleep without finishing this post.)

Amazing day in Bulldog sports. tUMD's football team put on a clinic for running backs, tUMD's women's hockey beat Bermidji for the googolth time, and then my wonderful boys showed CC what happens when you're cursed with the #1 ranking pre-season.

This epic battle was fought between two teams that are stronger on Saturdays than Fridays. CC, in fact, was undefeated prior to this evening. Like I told Pates during his live blog (which is super fun! Everyone should joint the party! Except it's less fun when he doesn't accept my witty comments!), there's a first time for everything.

I need some guidance here, some help coloring inside the lines, because of my exhausted delirium, so let's go through the game chronologically.

Originally, I thought the game was going better than last night's game. We made it through a minute of play without giving up a goal! That's always good. I mean, we still gave up a scoring chance but it didn't cross the goal line, so that's improvement. However, for most of the 3rd period, CC had tDogs on their heels. And then a homeless person off the street who was inserted into the lineup decided to score a goal. I still thought, okay, fine, no biggie, that's how we started off last time, down 1-0, still tied, it's not the end of the world. We killed off a penalty and then killed off a portion another before heading to the locker room (well, I didn't--I wish!) only down 1-0, which was kind of fortunate. It was kind of an uggo period.

Then the 2nd period started, and tDogs remained on the PK, and Chad Rau, helped by the Traitor and Daddy's Boy, had one of those just-after-the-power-play goals that sucks to give up but at least it doesn't hurt the PK stats! That one was kind of tough. I thought maybe CC was going to get out of their little funk and take off. Well, the joke was on me, because 19 seconds later, Justin to Jacky to Jordy and *boom* 2-1. A minute and 26 seconds later, some jerk took a penalty and Justin Fontaine, always the darling, thought "Poor MeanEgirl. She's been having a really tough time lately. How can I help her out?" and then the puck was in the net again. Monty and Palm assisted. Thanks guys!

The homeless person scored again, assisted by Imitation Connelly and Chad Rau to make it 3-2, and at this point I realized this game was going to be high-scoring. I knew tDogs weren't out of it but I also believed the Tigers would not go quietly into that good night. Mike "I Might Be Sexy But I'm Uggo Because I Think Kneeing Is Ok" Testwuide took a penalty for, well, duh, and then Ryan Lowery, Public Enemy Number One, flattened poor MacGregor Sharp into the boards and received some lovely parting gifts as he was asked to leave the arena. During the ensuing 5 on 3, Evan "Stop Calling Me Ryan You Illiterate CC Announcer" Oberg scored on assists from Meyers and Fuzzy. Back to even. Sharpy was on the ice for that as well, so he was all right despite getting clobbered by He Who Is About To Die, and then that sneaky Sharpshooter decided he was going to show Richard Bachman who was the man and who was the very little boy, and shot a laser-guided missile into the roof of the net, his sleight of hand fooling all but that wily goal judge, who saw it all the way and lit that lamp like a beacon of hope unto us all. And we had our first lead of the weekend, and our first lead on CC since (pause for me to look it up) we crapped away a 2-0 game in the 3rd period in January 2007.

But they weren't done! Nick Kemp was all "I'm sick of being On Notice!" and I said "I think so, Nick!" and despite CC's attempts to hook Sharpy, he got it to Nick and Nick took it to the house. 5 goals in a period. God. Remember when we couldn't get 5 goals in a weekend? Remember when the 2nd period was a black hole of horrendous defence? Those days are over now!

CC then went back to their locker room and cried like Dude Love when he found out crazytechfan was 16.

I guess Bachman was inconsolable, because to start the 3rd period, Drew O'Connell was in net. I don't really like him, mostly because his name is just one letter away from this guy who was really horrible to me back when I was in ROTC. Screw him. Drew also gave us our most recent win against CC, also in January 2007, in a game where Josh Meyers got a powerplay goal simply by gaining the red line and dumping the puck in the offensive zone. Jeff McFarland scored the GWG in that game, too, if you can believe it. So, this is a really long way of saying Drew O'Connell is a great big sieve, doo-dah, doo-dah. Jordy Fulton agreed, because he scored about 4 minutes into the period to make it 6-3. Arthur Fonzarelli had the only assist, but I'm sure Jacky was just as helpful in setting up the play. Some dumb loser from CC must have gotten a stick on the puck for a second or two there. Sharpshooter had a penalty and Al took a stab at a goal on a clearing attempt, but it was way wide. Tragic. Daddy's Boy scored on that power play, assisted by the homeless person and the Traitor. It was their only ppg of the weekend, so I guess they can get a nice little gold star. Kyle Schmidt got in on the scoring as well, getting his 2nd goal of the year and effectively putting the last nail in the coffin for those tigers. I know they are endangered species so I certainly hope Kyle doesn't get in trouble for poaching. I doubt it, he is one smooth criminal.

I'm tired. There will be more tomorrow. This thing took me forever to write because I'm effectively a zombie. Thanks for the great game, guys! Have a safe trip home! I know you're going to be dragging your tired butts out of bed in about 2 1/2 hours. Yikes.

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season's total: 5! (WOW!!!!!!!!!!!)
Points until we equal last season's total: 11! (GLORIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 18!
Jack Connolly: 12!
Michael Gergen: 7
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 13!
Jack Connolly: 12!
David Grun: 0
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0

On Notice:
Rob Bordson
Andrew Carroll
Jay Cascalenda
Matt Greer
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Drew Akins
Jack Connolly
Cody Danberg
Mike Montgomery
Trent Palm

The End of the Road

So we've all heard by now that Bruce Ciskie is no longer tUMD's play-by-play announcer, nor is he sports director for the Twin Ports Lame Fascist Jerk Communications Company. Why anyone would want to work for such a company is beyond me, and perhaps they should change their name, but whatever. Also why any company would be so ignorant as to think People Don't Like Sports is beyond my comprehension, and there are pretty much only two or three other things that are beyond my comprehension: the nature of the universe; why people still have mullets, especially curly mullets; and... well, okay, there's only those other two. Oh yeah, there was why bad things happen to good people, but I figured that out already.

I didn't comment sooner because I didn't really know what to say. If some ignorant, barely upright hicks eliminated my job, you better believe I wouldn't be telling any of you people; I'd be licking my wounds in private. (I'm flexible.) I think it would be absolute agony if the entire college hockey community knew I'd lost my job. I didn't want to write about it because I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do or even necessary; Bruce wasn't afforded the luxury of keeping this to himself. But yet, such is the nature of a career in the public eye, and I am a vulture who will capitalize on anything I can, so here we are. Late, but not never. Later, we shall decide if that's better or not.

Bruce is my friend and has also been my source of Bulldog trivia and information over the past few years. The first time Bruce commented on my blog was some sort of (in hindsight pathetic) validation for RWD; it also commenced a long-standing campaign of mine for Bruce to 1. sneak me on the bus for road trips 2. get me on the air and 3. tell me what the guys look like shirtless. It was a mutually beneficial partnership, because without my frantic, sweaty text messages, none of you listening in internet radio land would hear any of the games broadcast, because I was always quick to alert him if the Switch of Doom and Destruction had been flipped or not. I imagine if things do not improve I will not live much longer because I will explode if the radio does not work this weekend. I have been stressing about this series since... I guess Saturday as soon as the St. Cloud game ended. Mr. Papas, give me your cell number.

Oh, wait. That'll never happen, because I doubt this guy even knows that RWD exists. I really want to give him a chance, but it's just not going to be the same. When Kerry left, he had been the voice of Bulldog hockey for a generation and he definitely left a void not easily filled. (Hello, Kerry, in case you are reading. You rock!) But what Bruce brought to the mic was an entirely different perspective: Kerry was/is a fan; Bruce is a fan geek. He posted on message boards and blogged and nerded out like so many of us out there. So it was kind of like one of us (yes, if you are reading this, you are a fan geek, I'm sorry) out there on the air, telling our dumb USCHO jokes and bringing the sarcasm like only a jaded message board jockey could bring it. So, in other words, Bruce was totally relatable.

There were good times and bad times. We had "AND HERE COME THE TEDDY BEARS!!!!" and then we had the game of Crazy Pepe's Chug 'n' Skate that followed. We had McFarland goals and then the eventual overturning or re-assigning. We had Nisky scoring goals for us and against us. We had Rik and Judd. Or, Judd and Rik, depending on your point of view. And... wasn't there another guy? I don't even remember. We had play-off upsets in Denver and we had the triple overtime loss in St. Cloud. It's been a rough few years, and I can't think of anyone better to get us through the, um, challenges of the past few seasons than someone who I can commiserate with.

Thanks, among other things, for being a homer, the Player Profile, the Coach's Show (when it existed, and now I understand its absence), the game-break messages, Email the Booth, myriad near-death experiences on the wintry roads of the Upper Midwest, being weaker than MEg's mom, the mixed sports metaphors, the Gauntlet, the jabs at the refs, finally answering my request for the audio files, and your unflagging optimism and support for every player on tDogs these past few years, especially the seniors who you have been following since their first days in a Bulldog jersey. And welcome back to the message boards, I guess.

And, because I'm creepy, I'll dedicate a parting song to you. (When they say "girl" just pretend they're saying "Bruce.")

Did anyone else ever wonder if that guy with the cane really needed it, or if it was a prop? Or am I really even more pathetic than previously known?

No One Here Gets Out Alive

tUMD 5, Hussies 1. Five to one, baby, one to five.

Oh my my my my my my my my my my. What a day. What a day for tUMD sports!!! First, though I don't follow tUMD football at all, I do have to mention tUMD's D2 playoff win over some school I've never heard of that is apparently good in football but not good enough for D1. HOORAY!!!! And the women won in their game too. So double yay!

I know I got all giddy and gleeful about the Sioux fans and their tears and rants, but it's even MORE fun when the St. Cloud fans get upset. See, Sioux fans hate losing; St. Cloud fans hate losing to tUMD. It gets them all extra mad, and then they try to say they are playing like crap BUT tUMD is also playing like crap and somehow we were just ever so slightly less crappy than they were IN THIS PARTICULAR GAME which is why we managed to squeak out a win, but overall St. Cloud is superior. This is a very logical line of thinking. I can completely follow what they're saying.

Not.

(UMDDogz went through this period in which, whenever he disagreed with something anyone said, he would say "NOT!" It used to grind my gears like no other; it was right up there with "breathing on me," "being on my side of the car," and "getting a bigger piece than me." I led an awful, awful life.)

This was a GREAT game for tUMD. Yes, St. Cloud played very poorly, but tUMD also refused to let them get anything going. MEg got 11 points in her fantasy league based on this one game. We've outscored St. Cloud 10-2 in this "series" and though some people commented that splitting the series might have given us a disadvantage because after St. Cloud played us, they swept powerhouse Robert Morris and some little team from the Rocky Mountains, and they put up a tUMD Touchdown* against UW on their way to a split. So I was very pleased with the result. I was happy when it was 1-0, and unhappy when it was 1-1, but once it was 2-1 I thought okay, we'll win. But I wanted something a little more showy. It's like when you're playing Mortal Kombat, and you get to the end and it's all "FINISH HIM!!!!" and you forget to press UP UP B B LEFT A START to do one of your super special moves, so you just end up giving them a lame punch or something and they fall over dead. Not NEARLY as satisfying as employing some secret code embedded by some meth-addicted programmer and tracked down in some magazine for Dirty losers, so I could see Scorpion (I always played as him or Sub-Zero) eat the head off of his opponent. I was a bloodthirsty little beast. And then suddenly it was 3-1, 4-1, and magically 5-1, and my bloodlust was quenched. For now.

I was really sad that I had to work today and couldn't go up to Duluth for the game. We need to get some snow up in here or I'm going to go crazy. But it all worked out nicely, because the game was televised and THEY INTERVIEWED MY JACKY!!! EXCITING!!! They interviewed his parents, too, during the 2nd intermission, but I didn't watch that because we watched a wee bit of the Wild game and listened to Nielsen talk about the football game. I have three beefs with the interviews: first of all, in the pre-recorded interview segments they have with their feature player of the week, they are always playing this weird sad music that sounds like the Native American flute music on sale at the center court of Southdale during the holidays. It serves a purpose, yes, but this is an interview with a hockey player. I would have preferred a little more bow chicka bow-wow. Additionally, they sneak in these little teaser segments during the game and they totally cover up the game WHILE IT IS OCCURRING. This happened once when St. Cloud was in our zone (yes, they were a few times) and I stressed. Finally, the chick that interviews the guys between periods needs some SERIOUS help with her questions, and also needs to think of them BEFORE the camera is on her. She said something to Justin Fontaine about Thanksgiving. He is from CANADIA! Their Thanksgiving is in OCTOBER! But I do enjoy watching the games on TV and I like the player interviews, so keep them coming; just plan a little better, Emily. If that is your name. I'm here to help.

Little snippet of annoyance: Drew. Your name is LeBlanc. This is U.S. America. Pronounce it LeBlonk and be done with it. LeBlahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahhahhaahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh is really annoying.

Let's talk about the game, shall we? (Excuse me while I hang up my suit coat, zip up a cardigan, and lace up my stiff blue sneakers.)

1st Period

I stressed a lot for awhile. There wasn't much established on either side, which was good because we weren't getting dominated or anything, but bad because we weren't playing our own game yet. Foppish Dandy Oliver Lauridsen (isn't that the name of Ryan O'Neal's character in Love Story?), who we will now call Preppie for all eternity, landed his preppy behind in the penalty box for wearing a color other than white on the tennis court. 14 seconds later, Justin Fontaine wham-bam-thank-you-ma'amed a goal and we were 1 for 1 on the power play. That was tUMD's only power play of the game. I was somewhat depressed when St. Cloud actually scored a power play goal. I think they were confused about what happened. It was a somewhat foreign concept for them, at least in league play, as I previously discussed. The thing I like about split PKs is the team can focus their efforts a bit more, and they also don't have to worry about getting tired. I was disappointed we couldn't take advantage of that. The goal was a bit funky, but they all count the same.

2nd Period

Jacky to Justin to Jordy. Boom. 2-1. I wasn't sure about this line at first but I think they are really going to take off. Jordy's ready to break out.

3rd Period

Gergy got tripped by stupid Garrett Raboin, he of the horrible 80s first name and weird bothersome last name, and then decided he wanted a little time-out as well and went after Raboin, nullifying the power play we were about to receive. Not to worry. Mike Connolly is going to be posting Jase Weslosky's jock strap on E-bay tonight, because his goal to put tUMD up 3-1 made it look like I was in net. Except Jase was maybe somewhat paying attention, and I'm not really capable of that.

Justin to Jacky to Jordy. Boom. 4-1. Love it.

Gergy took a penalty with under a minute to go when he just crushed Preppy McPrepstein. Preppy-poo took offense to getting his perfectly coifed hair messed up and his tennis arm bumped, and Sheriff Andrew Carroll had to take care of biznass. We ended up on the PK, but I pressed UP UP B B LEFT A START and after a turnover Kyle Schmidt scored a shorthanded goal to FINISH THEM!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then Roe decided to get pissy and Huttel went crazy and they were both kicked out of the game. Well, Garrett, I'd be pissy too if I was -3 for the night and my little boyfriend (Lasch) was -4.

Where's Mitch Ryan when you need him?


The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season's total: 6! (W00000t!)
Points until we equal last season's total: 14! (Ultra W00000t!)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 16!
Jack Connolly: 11! (Eeee! What a great game!!!)
Michael Gergen: 6 (Great chances, and also laid out some violent hits!)
Rob Bordson: 0 (AGAIN had a great game, it's just a matter of time Robbio!)

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 12!
Jack Connolly: 11!
David Grun: 0
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0

On Notice:
Drew Akins (DREW!!! YOU ARE GOING TO SCORE AGAINST CC!! GOT IT???)
Rob Bordson
Andrew Carroll
Jay Cascalenda
Matt Greer
Mike Montgomery
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Jack Connolly
Cody Danberg
Nick Kemp
Evan Oberg
Trent Palm

*a tUMD Touchdown is only 6 points. So named because tUMD had 2 extra points blocked today.

Giving Thanks

I'm a pretty big fan of Thanksgiving, because I like eating, and also because I am a descendant of participants in the first Thanksgiving. I also have a lot to be thankful for, most of which is not interesting to anyone here. (We are all going to pretend I sometimes write interesting things.) Let me instead take the time to thank my Bulldogs.

First of all, to the entire team: thanks for coming to UMD. I'm glad that you guys are putting on the jersey and I have so much fun writing about you guys. Thanks for making the Sioux fans siouxicidal last weekend. Also, thanks for not being giant jerks to me like Kurt Davis was to Let'sGoMavs!!!

Jack Connolly: Eee! My favorite goes first. Thanks for picking your hometown school! And for all the great plays you make, those nifty touch passes and the dispsy-doodle (TM Bruce Ciskie) moves you make around clueless defenders.

Mike Connolly: Thanks for humiliating the goalie from Western Michigan with that totally sick goal, and for all those smooth moves with the puck. I can't wait to see you tear up this league.

David Grun: Thanks for stepping in against Wisconsin and playing like you belonged, and thanks for almost scoring a goal on practically your first shift (how awesome would it have been if you had??? But it was still great to see you hustle!)

Brady Hjelle: Thanks for picking up the team when they needed it in Denver, and making some saves that made the Pioneers look like Peewees. I know you're pushing Al to be his best.

Scott Kishel: Thanks for all the hard work you do; I know you wouldn't crack the lineup without it. Thanks for choosing tUMD, like all good Range kids should. Thanks in advance for the awesome QBing you'll be doing on the PP.

Brady Lamb: Thanks for stepping up and being a force on the blueline, and playing like you've always been here. And also, thanks for being so nice to me and Let's Go Mavs and maybe *almost* making her not hate Stalock. And for promising to make Kurt Davis pay.

Travis Oleksuk: Thanks for being a 2nd generation Bulldog, and for all the hard work you put in. Thanks for stepping up when needed and playing like you belonged, which you do!

Rob Bordson: Thanks for coming back last Saturday and playing like you'd never left the lineup, and for all the great chances you created as well. Also, thanks for being nice to me at the X.

Cody Danberg: Thanks for the spirit and the fire you play with; maybe it wasn't so smart to take a spearing penalty but I can never really fault a guy who stands up for his teammates. Thanks for being Hunter C.'s favorite, because he really knows who's who with the Bulldogs.

Justin Fontaine: Thanks for having the breakout year I knew you'd have, because I'm a great hockey mind. Thanks for all those points you've racked up for MEg on her fantasy team, since I told her to pick you. Or maybe she picked you on her own, I can't remember. Thanks for being so humble when I bugged you at Blackwoods even though I ran away before you could even say thanks.

Chad Huttel: Thanks for having a superb game on Saturday night and for continuing to improve your defensive skills. Thanks for developing into a heckofa penalty killer and proving again and again you deserve the ice time.

Mike Montgomery: Thanks for seamlessly transitioning from forward to defence, and for having ZERO PENALTIES on the season! That's a huge accomplishment for someone still adjusting to the position who also happens to be a big guy.

Evan Oberg: Thanks for exploding offensively, as I knew you would once you healed from your injury, and for not forgetting your defensive responsibilities.

Kenny Reiter: Thanks for pushing Al and Brady in practice, and for showing dedication to the team. So glad you red-shirted and can stick around for an additional season!

Kyle Schmidt: Thanks for taking one for the team right in the face, and then coming right back out the next night and playing your heinie off. Amy B. is devastated that there might have been damage to your face, though.

Drew Akins: Thanks for being the ugly goal guy, which we so desperately needed. Thanks for the power play goals and for being an all-around badassssssssss. And thanks for enjoying my Tougher in Alaska montage!

Jordan Fulton: Thanks for that goal on Saturday night, which I know is going to be the first of MANY for you this year. Thanks for all the skill and versatility you bring to the game!

Trent Palm: Thanks for the great game you had on Saturday night! When DHG is complimenting you, you KNOW it's a big deal. And thanks for throwing around those hip checks even though you've got a "lower body injury."

Chase Ryan: Thanks for sticking with this team, unlike certain other people with the same last name. Rumor has it you're a great guy with a great attitude, and I know your time will come.

Alex Stalock: Thank you a million times over for the saves you make and the plays you start. Thanks for being feisty and an agitator, because every team needs one of those guys. Also, thanks for the joke you told FHG at the Final Five last year, although I recommend you are careful what company you're in when you tell it.

Andrew Carroll: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for being the hardest worker out there and for the leadership you've shown through your unprecedented three years wearing a letter; someone who commands so much respect is a true gem and we fans are lucky to have you.

Jay Cascalenda: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for picking up the defensive role when we needed help at the blueline, and for improving your skating and discipline so we can count on you to hold the blue line.

Michael Gergen: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for playing through your injuries and busting your butt whether you're on the "first" line or the "fourth" line. Thanks for your versatility, and for caring what the fans think (even though you shouldn't! Except for me because you know you're my fave.)

Matt Greer: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for being a one-man penalty-killing machine, perhaps the most important role on the team given the changes in officiating. Thanks for being a badassss mofo; you're the unsung hero of this team.

Nick Kemp: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for all the fire and heart you bring to this team, for being KEMPER THE WRECKER and doing whatever needs to be done: pk, pp, enforcer, scorer, backchecker, grinder, and so on and so on.

Josh Meyers: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for your shot from the point and the wicked fast passes you can make. Thanks for crunching the opposition and for being the leader and mentor of the blueliners.

MacGregor Sharp: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for the insane amount of work it sounds like you did this summer, and for that scoring touch you've found (which I knew you had in you). Thanks for all the face-off wins and the myriad roles you've filled so effortlessly in your time here.

Lastly, thanks readers for reading. The nicest thing about writing RWD (and its insular readership) is that I'm writing almost exclusively for my friends and my family; thanks for the fun comments and the sharp wit and enough of a sense of humor to allow me to poke fun at you sometimes (or repeatedly, if you're FHG).

The Gauntlet: Hooked on Phonics Edition

Next up to run the Gauntlet: the grammatically challenged Goon of Goon's World.

RWD: When did you become a Sioux fan?

Goon: 1992 when I was over visiting a friend of mine that was going to school at Mayville State and we went to a Sioux game. I was hooked.

RWD: Geez. You're like 100 years older than me and I've been a Bulldog fan longer than you've been a Sioux fan. [Almost everyone I Gauntlet is way older than me, with the exception of MEg.]

Goon: It was against NMU, MEg's favorite team.

RWD: Were they in tWCHA then?

Goon: Yes they were in the WCHA. Living in International Falls, MN, I was actually a Bulldog fan before I was a Sioux fan. [Hockey Fandom: You’re doing it wrong.] I had a Tom Herzig Jersey. It was the mid-1980's. [What is this, blog noir?]

RWD: And then came The Fall. [How existential of me.]

Goon: I turned to the Dark Side, as some would say, after I returned from the service. [Do people even say that anymore? I mean, non-grandparents?]

RWD: Brady Hjelle is from International Falls.

Goon: I didn't know that, and I am not familiar with his family name.

RWD: How do you feel about our backup goalie being better than all 3 of your goalies if they were in net at the same time?

Goon: If he is better than Stalock then he is a really good goalie. [Is this a clever misdirection? Or just Goon missing the point?]

RWD: What about the Sioux? Are you a fan of them? I mean the real humans of the Sioux tribe.

Goon: I spent a lot of time at Spirit Lake when I worked as a recruiter for Job Corps, so I have met a lot of people from the Sioux nation, and yeah I am a fan. I also have known a good number of people that are of Chippewa descent.

RWD: Do you go to Spirit Lake and sit on a bench and yell "Let's Go Sioux!" as people walk down the street and stuff?

Goon: Nah, they walk down the street like you and I and they don't do chants like Let’s Go Sioux... [Ok, I’m pretty sure that Goon was missing the point before, because he certainly is now.]

RWD: I meant, do you cheer them on? Like, "Way to drive that car!!!"

Goon: Noooo, how silly. [Really? Ya think?]

RWD: And if someone from Wisconsin rear-ended them would you raise your arm in the air and call for a penalty?

Goon: No, I would give them the one finger salute.

RWD: Oh, you'd pull a Hakstol?

Goon: Yeah, I can't fault Hak for giving someone the bird. It is like the Grand Forks wave. [God, sounds like GF is full of jerks.] It is quite common here. In defense of Hak, Adam was calling a horrible game and I would have done more than give him the bird; I would have been ushered out of the rink after the calls in the first two periods. I would have probably been throwing water bottles and towels and yelling really loud... [I can’t imagine what it would be like to be around someone like that.]

RWD: Is it ever not the ref's fault? I mean, aren't the Sioux players just sometimes hacking goons without skill? [Sometimes? What am I saying? Always!]

Goon: Well, if you listen to a few of my blogger buddies, you would think that UND are a bunch of hacks and goons and start every fight and wherever there are high penalty minutes, the Sioux are involved. [I see nothing wrong with this assessment.]

RWD: I don't think that. I know it.

Goon: You told me that the Sioux were the kings of clutching [I changed the spelling of this… among MANY OTHER words.] and grabbing last March at the Final Five.

RWD: I am wise.

Goon: Oops clutching... I affraid to miss spell a words. See I am scared. Afraid. Sorry

RWD: I'll edit it. [Except for that part. Now you have a taste of how hard I work for you people.]

Goon: Good.

RWD: Trust me. I can't have this [feces] on my site. People will be impressed [with Goon’s seemingly stellar spelling].

Goon: That is part of the schtick. [God! He’d even spelled “schtick” wrong! “Stick???”]

RWD: Do you think all the ads on your site might pay for a copy editor?

Goon: Nah I haven't got a dime. I did get 300.00 from the Ticket Liquidator and 75.00 bucks [???] from another person for putting up 8 links [What person was that? Geist the Blog Whore?], but nothing from Yard Barker yet. Versus game me a hat as well. [Noticing his error] Ah crap gave, I can't type on my new computer.

RWD: Uh, sure. It's the refs fault; it's the computer's fault. Typical UND fan. Another typical UND fan behavior is whining about the polls. Who even cares? [Seriously, they have no bearing on anything.]

Goon: I think polls are great reading in the morning when you’re eating breakfast. Then you can line the bird cage with them. Only thing is I don't have a bird. Dog would eat it... because he is a bird dog... [Well, you could train him.]

RWD: I wish I could vote in polls. [I should vote. I am a legitimate member of the media.] I would vote so annoyingly. You would die.

Goon: I don't want the responsibility. I don't find you annoying; I find you to be funny and thought provoking. [There’s a first time for everything. Usually I’m just provoking.]

RWD: #1 Air Force. #2 Princeton.

Goon: That would drive me nuts. And Miami number three, right?

RWD: Your favorite team!

Goon: I actually think they are a nice story. Ryan Jones was a monster [Frankenstein or Gamera?]; I just like arguing with Redhawk from USCHO. I called him Red Hack.

RWD: You know how you feel about polls? Well, I feel that way about Sioux7. I could use him to line my cat's litter box. [If he ever used his litter box…]

Goon: Sioux7 is my old college roommate. We emptied many of beer cans and whiskey bottles when I was in college. [That explains a lot.]

RWD: Well he is solely to blame for my Dogs’ season.

Goon: Team effort.

RWD: No. I won't let you take the blame too. [What a gallant gesture!] ALL SIOUX7.

Goon: Um, the Gandalf the Red likes Donn's predictions because the more he predicts wrong, the more the Badgers win. I don't do predictions. I won't say Sioux sweep like Dirty. Bad mojo.

RWD: Gandalf the Red lives in his mom's basement and has an awful blog. [To be fair, he’s not the only person who sucks on it. There are other sucky people too.]

Goon: I actually like his blog he said that Stalock was a sieve. [I wonder if he understands the meaning of the word.] I don't believe it though...

RWD: He thought that Wisconsin should have won on Friday night. Must have been some bad reception in mom's basement. [More tinfoil for the rabbit ears next time.] Or he was distracted by his Dungeons and Dragons game.

Goon: I think they are an enigma. Connelly is not very good [but Connollys are very good!], but they played well when the BADgers played UND and they went on a run after playing the Sioux [against the WCHA powerhouses of tUMD and MTU!]. Mom's basement, yikes... That is harsh.

RWD: Please. Lord of the Rings fan + Wisconsin loser = Basement dweller. [Like Aaron Neville, I’m tellin’ it like it is.]

Goon: I am a Harry Potter fan myself, I have never watched Lord of the Rings.

RWD: And you live above ground! Shot and a goal!

Goon: Yep, and the wind blows a lot here in God's Country...

RWD: I thought that was Montana.

Goon: I know, Montana sucks and Minnesota blows right?

RWD: Minnesota rocks. We've got trees.

Goon: And we have tree belts. [What?] I like Minnesota and I would move back, but I like North Dakota.

RWD: How do you even have a deer stand in ND if you don't have a tree to build it in?

Goon: Duck hunting... [That is not an answer.] We don't do tree stands; we walk and push sloughs for deer. We also do some road hunting as well...

RWD: When I was driving to Houghton, I drove by a deer on the side of the road with its head cut off and a bird eating its carcass. [Glorious nature!] Do you do that? Take the heads off of roadkill deer and mount them on your wall? [I think that's what he means by "road hunting."]

Goon: Road Kill. There is a town on Hwy 2 on the way to the UP in Michigan that’s named Spread Eagle. [I think FHG is moving there.] That isn't really the question, but you are right there are a lot of deer in Michigan [I don’t recall saying that] and you probably will see a lot of road kill. It is the same in ND as well. I feel that there are way too many deer in the upper Midwest. [What a civic minded man! He should have a key to the city of Grand Forks!] I have a rack I got off a deer I shot three years ago that I still haven't hung on the wall...

RWD: I have a rack too but it's not off no deer. [Hi Dad!] Do you think the animals you kill have souls?

Goon: A deep question. [Okay, if that’s the way you want to play it.] Yeah, I think so. I don't see them in my sleep.

RWD: Does that mean that maybe you have no soul?

Goon: Philosophy! I didn't know we were going to get into a deep conversation; I would have drunk a few Miller Lites in preparation. [Why? Do you crave gut rot from glorified water?] I have a soul but my wife says that I am kind of shallow. Kind of like the guy in big daddy where the kid pees on the bed and he covers it up with a news paper. I guess I have been labeled to be that guy... [WHAT?]

RWD: I... am... speechless. [Seriously. I mean, how am I supposed to respond?] MOVING ON! Let's talk about the Sioux!

Goon: Uh oh...

RWD: I heard Vandevelde's tearing it up! He got an empty netter against CC!

Goon: Yep into our own net. I have never seen that before. (I heard it on the radio). [Tragically not on YouTube yet!]

RWD: It happens. [Poor Nisky.]

Goon: I was a football player so I don't know about that.

RWD: What about that guy that ran the wrong way for the Vikings?

Goon: Yep he was a Vikings player, and I was kind of young when that happened.

RWD: So it happens.

Goon: Yep.

RWD: Ryan Duncan: overrated or extremely overrated?

Goon: Duncan is awesome, not over rated. You would think the guy is an absolute hack thought.

RWD: I would think that. He also lies.

Goon: I am pretty sure Ryan is very Hobey Baker-like. [Mike Curry was robbed!] I don't know about lying.

RWD: He said he is 5'6".

Goon: He might not be that tall.

RWD: See! LIAR!

Goon: I am not going to measure him.

RWD: Are you going to go to Duluth this weekend?

Goon: Nope I have to work this weekend and Mrs. Goon is working overnights so I won't be making the trip. One of my friends wanted me to go, but I don't want to drive that far either.

RWD: It's not on Mars. It's not that far.

Goon: I have been down Hwy 2 to Duluth a lot lately. My boss probably wouldn't let me take the time off. It’s 260 miles.

RWD: Why did you tell people they should go to Little Angie's?

Goon: They have killer food. I ate there a couple of weeks ago when we took Abby [the Spawn of Goon] to the doctor. Their margaritas are awesome. [Get one in a rocks glass!] One of them will give you a great buzz.

RWD: Barf. Killer. You said it. [Little Angie’s is disgusting.]

Goon: I was impressed with your drink gauntlet.

RWD: FHG was not impressed. [Nor was he present, he was sitting on his butt in tGarden watching the Golden Chokers.]

Goon: That guy is funny.

RWD: -looking. God, I'm really mean. [I can’t write a post without taking a shot at FHG! Sorry hon!]

Goon: The whole hat thing is cool; he should paint it Green and White...

RWD: No. It has the right colors.

Goon: Maroon and Gold aren't my colors.

RWD: Wrong emblem. Do you miss T.J. Oshie?

Goon: Yes I do, the kid was a monster player. T.J. Oshie kicked some serious [badonkadonk] while he was here. Gave his all. [All over the elevator floor!]

RWD: And you posted his dad's "public statement."

Goon: Yes I did. You remember that?

RWD: Yes. I rudely commented on it. [It was basically Papa Osh kissing up to all the people helping with his celebrity golf tourney thinly disguised as a “thank you” letter from “T.J.”]

Goon: Now I remember that conversation. It was last summer after Oshie signed with the Blues.

RWD: I recall. What should we expect to see this weekend? Who's going to be in goal? [Does it even matter?]

Goon: Brad Eidsness will be in goal and I don't know what to expect.

RWD: If you wanted to give Walski a confidence boost you could play him. [Eeee! Sorry guys! I didn’t mean it! You are awesome!! Mama loves you!!!]

Goon: I think UND is starting to get it going and actually the forwards are more talented this year. If I was the coach Walski would never touch the ice again. We do not benefit from playing a kid that is a senior when we have two freshmen that need experience. Eidsness is a way better goalie than Walski. I am sure some the ND state high school hockey homer will not like this, but that is how I feel. [First Ziggy, then Walski. ND is producing some goalies with great credentials!]

RWD: Don't hold back now.

Goon: I call it the Walski experiment. LGM aka Amy likes it but I don't.

RWD: I like it too. We need some goals.

Goon: I am sure you do. Heck UMD has scored more goals that UND. [Miracle of miracles.] I can't make any predictions because I don't know what to expect. [Cop out!] The games are on TV so I can watch them both.

RWD: How will UND win this weekend? [As if.]

Goon: They will win by making the Bulldogs pay for defensive zone break downs, solid defense and hitting and hustling.

RWD: And how will they lose? [Now we’re talkin’.]

Goon: They lose if they don't respect the ‘Dogs. They have to hit them [very respectful] and protect the puck. Transition and stay out of the box. No selfish penalties. [How is a penalty “selfish?” I would more say “stupid.” But stupidity can’t be helped.] They must not let Stalock get comfortable and see the puck, screen the goalie and let Hextall get in the Bulldogs' kitchen. [Make Mama a sandwich while you’re in there, honey!] If they don't play smart they will lose.

RWD: Hextall is going to win the Hobey Baker this year.

Goon: Nope but I love the way that kid plays. [Really? A genius came on here and left that prognostication!] I told Sioux7 he was like Prpich Lite. Only with more offensive skill. [No one is more offensive than Prp.]

RWD: Bleccch. Drew Akins will wipe the ice with him. [He will jump on him and use his stick to row, row, row the Brett gently around the rink.]

Goon: I am not familiar with Drew Akins.

RWD: Are you familiar with anyone? [He’s a freaking junior!]

Goon: I have not watched your team play this season. I am familiar with teams we have played, but I haven't had the opportunity to see the Dogs. I know your goalie is awesome.

RWD: That's tragic. Stalock is [awesome, I mean].

Goon: Yep Alex, LGM's favorite goalie... [Brady Lamb worked diligently to try to change her mind. With his smooth Barry White voice, I think he might have gotten through to her.] If you have some film on the Bulldogs I will watch it.

RWD: Nothing you want to see... [Restraining order #330] Speaking of that: Who is the hottest Sioux player?

Goon: On the women's team?

RWD: Are we talking about the women's team here? NO.

Goon: I don't know. I don't swing that way.

RWD: You can appreciate the attractiveness of people without being a homosexual. Like me and MEg.

Goon: Hey what people do behind closed door is fine with me as long as I don't have to see visual evidence. I don't know how to judge men for attractiveness. That is a loaded question that LGM asked me as well and I haven't fallen for the trick so far... I am too quick... [It’s too easy. I won’t do it.]

RWD: It's not a trick. It's been a standard of the Gauntlet since its inception.

Goon: Ok, do I have to answer that question?

RWD: YES! [Why would I asked otherwise?] Ladies need to know! [I provide a public service.]

Goon: Hextall.

RWD: Let me see. [Pause while I look him up] Well, I didn't vomit at his photo.

Goon: Wow, that's good to know.

RWD: But he's no Darcy Zajac. [Mmmmm]

Goon: I will take your word for it.

RWD: If you'd said Joe Finley I would have died. And you would be arrested. [For murder.]

Goon: That was my next choice.

RWD: So you think Bert from Sesame Street is good-looking?

Goon: Nope...

RWD: Because he and Joe are one and the same. Same eyebrows. Same consuming rage.

Goon: Yes I do, I have an eyebrow. No rage, I am a very happy person...

RWD: What?

Goon: vhat?

RWD: I said Bert and Joe Finley were the same. Not you and Joe Finley. Or you and Bert.

Goon: oh, miss that one. No, duh, woopppsss. [I left this in to prove a point.]

RWD: So, let's see if you can get through one more question without a glaring error. Weekend prediction? (And you MUST make one!)

Goon: split. Sioux Friday, Dogs win Saturday.

RWD: Wow, you even managed to mess that up! DOGS SWEEP!

Hits from the Blog

Pick it, pack it, fire it up, come along and read some hits from the blog...

I know, it's lazy, but it's entertaining to me at least. One of the things I love about this blog is, even though no one reads it, I still get hits. Judging from some of these keywords, most of the people coming here are sociopaths, but I'm pleased with that.

(Also, folks, what did we learn from last week's MVP??? That if a player is a healthy scratch or isn't playing to his potential, it is most likely because he was left handcuffed to a bed by a crazy skank with a dollhouse who falsely accused him of rape and wears crazy wigs. Also, midgets are evil and will stab you in the back, and there's no point in quitting drinking because life will suck anyway. I haven't watched this week's ep. yet, but I KNOW it's going to be AMAZING.)

Anyway, here. Here is what the once and future mass murderers of the world are using as keywords for their desperate searches:

Hockey-related

grawler for checking amateurs because our grawler is a checking professional

scsu bulldog blog gonna be searching for that for a long time, buddy

umd brooms hockey decc gopher ahh, sweet memories

jordan parise naked gouge my eyes out with a rusty nail!

brian salcido kiss possible cause of the mono?

does tj oshie have have a girlfriend? 2nd most popular hit on this blog, after david james elliott shirtless.

rob bordson loves michael gergen i love him, too. i also love rob bordson.

what does the t in tumd mean ask the expert!

minnesota state mankato nick kemp blog people need to read the media guide more closely.

colby genoway in bed ok, seriously. someone is messing with me. that's the grossest thought ever conceived.

taylor chorney's girlfriend ...is me.

mike curry muscular agreed

how good is stalock he's like buttah.

jason garrison brown bear kill kodiak alaska he is SO badasssssss.

robbie earl engaged even a blind squirrel finds a nut.

Semi-hockey-related

duluth, party, football, crazy, bulldogs consider this my rsvp

marney gellner big ass screw you, she just had a baby!

stearns county syndrome, examples see uscho for a plethora

proper way to wear a toga get advice from the godfather

deer fhg yeah, probably not going to happen once he gets into the yukon.

maroon fire helmet needs redecoration!

check me from behind ohhh yeah baby

marney gellner husband yes, she has one, despite speculation to the contrary

minnesota gophers plastic cup 1986 i'm sure you'll find one in mint condition, cardinal.

fatass fhg possible typo?

What the???

depantsing from behind the only way to do it!
jordan dancer at mettlers that hit probably came from brooklyn center.
s i am so amazing, one can get to my site with a mere letter.
dogs eat man, but don't quite finish i hope they have tupperware.
rhino lined bong would probably harsh the buzz
picture of bad hair on ugly man that would be like 95% of the WCHA player photos.
why do dogs hypervenilate well, rob green, it cools them.
journalism useless major word.
how will wolves be in a hundred years mean as f***, evolution isn't that efficient.
snowmobile gauntlet alternate title for my interview with skeeterman
mankato hotties sex for free also probably came from brooklyn center
dying puppies in saint cloud i didn't think their season was that bad.
sexy mitosis technically correct
do dogs know when you look at them ugly? yes, why are you so mean?
deer attacks dog in hermantown preferrably a dachsund
bleeding from ears get off the internet and CALL 911!
what would worf do probably live in his mom's basement and get a job as a computer programmer. are you happy?
sweatpants for dogs conspicuous consumption
what happened to curly headed guy on alltel commercial? i'm hoping for "he died a painful death." or "prison bitch."
cougar bars in minnesota i would buy that in pamphlet form!
what means if boy holds your hair you've probably had too much tequila.
i has blog i shove i does!
bootcamp haircut bleeding maybe you shouldn't have mouthed off to the DI, private joker.
mile high club penalties possibly checking from behind, or spearing.
bed and breakfasts that except tdogs i would assume all. at least i would hope, for my honeymoon with Evan S.
photo of jason giambi drinking jack daniels from a bottle glad it's not "photos of RWD" doing the same thing