The Gauntlet: Insane Tubers Edition

The Gauntlet started off as such a great project, until I ran out of people to Gauntlet for long periods of time. FINALLY I found someone worthy of my witticisms: Crazy Potatoes (I know, stupid name! But I didn't make it up), the Vice President of Michigan Tech's "Mitch's Misfits."

RWD: First off, I just have to ask you: Why are you a Tech hockey fan?

VP: Well, for one I go to Tech, but I don't think that's the answer you're looking for. [Way to end a sentence with a preposition!]

RWD: Another Tech fan submitted that question. S/he doesn't understand why. [Specifically, s/he said VP didn’t have an “18 October 2003.”]

VP: Well, mostly because I love hockey, and I love Tech, so it's natural for me to be a Tech fan.

RWD: I feel like those are two mutually exclusive principles.

VP: But, it also doesn't hurt that my first college hockey experiences were the GLI tournaments [aka the Beat Up On Tech Invitational] while visiting relatives in Detroit, or that my dad is a Tech alum, along with two of my uncles.

RWD: Oh, people who might actually remember when Tech was good?

VP: Yeah, exactly.

RWD: How did a sophomore become Vice President of Mitch's Misfits? [Naivete, I think.]

VP: Well, MEg started noticing I was on all the road trips last year (I think I only missed out on UAA and Mercyhurst last year, so I was at all but 4 games), and so we became friends and it just kinda went from there.

RWD: Hah. I didn't notice you on road trips. [Evidently the VP was at the UMD, SCSU, and UMTC Tech games I attended as well as the Final Five and I never noticed. How sad. For him.]

VP: I don't know what she saw in me though, I'm a terrible person. [Hear that? That’s the sound of NO ONE ARGUING.]

RWD: You even spawned a new term in the college hockey lexicon. What exactly does it mean to "VP?"

VP: Heh. I wouldn't quite say it's in the college hockey lexicon; maybe the MTU college hockey lexicon.

RWD: Well, it's no "MNS." [In case you were unaware, “MNSing” it is “not knowing what you were supposed to do.”]

VP: Yeah, exactly.

RWD: But, continue.

VP: Anyway, you know how when you put your thumb over the nozzle of a hose and it sprays with a greater force? (Yay fluid dynamics!) [Yay continuity equation! vA = constant for an incompressible fluid!!!] Just apply that concept to puking and you get VPing.

RWD: There will be no VPing anywhere near me this weekend. While we're playing dictionary, what does "Tech hot" mean? [Extremely long pause.] Are you looking it up or what?

VP: Well if we're talking about the hockey team this year [which I am not], it would probably mean consecutive non-losses [Has that even occurred? Oh, yeah, when they tied tUMD {ugh} and swept NMU], but the actual usage is an average- to slightly-above-average-looking girl that is considered "hot" since there are not that many girls up here.

RWD: Would you consider RWD "Tech hot?"

VP: Sure, why not? [Oh, I can think of a few reasons. The giant warts on my face, for starters.]

RWD: What about regular hot?

VP: That might be pushing it.

RWD: Ouch. [Not into warts, I see.]

VP: Just be glad I didn't say that to the Tech hot question.

RWD: I almost blasted you for not speaking in the 3rd person there. [This is some sort of weird tradition on USCHO started to make fun of some person who hasn’t posted on USCHO in like 3 years.] MEg thinks I'm regular hot.

VP: That's because you'll make out with her.

RWD: I see. So why has Mitch's Misfits [a Tech student section, named after Mitch Lake, professional creeper] fallen apart under your watch?

VP: Well, Tech's record hasn't exactly helped. It's hard to get the fair-weather fans into the game when you're down 3-0 in the first, but it's also due to the free student tickets that came as a result of the Tech Experience initiative they passed. People have no real investment in the games since they get in free, so they just kinda take up space, don't bother learning the cheers, and end up walking out early. There's also a decrease in the willingness of the e-board to drop everything to focus on the Misfits; Bill's a CC, Z's never around [Do I even know that person?], I have a double-major to work on along with (playing) hockey, broomball and skiing, and Alaska is in a frat. [So what he’s saying is, he sucks and so do all of the other MM officers.] MEg's [slavish] dedication to the Misfits, beyond just being a fan, is hard to match, especially with a completely fresh e-board. [I like how the lesson here is “Never try.”]

RWD: MEg is certainly dedicated. So is [was?] Shirtless Guy. Have you ever been hypnotized by the rhythmic jiggling of Shirtless Guy's stomach?

VP: I tend to try and not look at it, but it does remind me of the Goonies.

RWD: Fascinating. So why aren't you dedicated to the Misfits?

VP: Because I'm busy with school, work, hockey, broomball, skiing and... not consuming alcohol... [That last one generally helps with dedication and commitment.]

RWD: That's tragic. How many days til you're 21?

VP: Still on months (exactly 7 months from Thursday.) [Guess what? There are days in months!]

RWD: Then you'll have more fun on road trips. [And we will not ditch you! Maybe.] What has been your favorite road trip this year?

VP: Well it's kinda hard to beat Alaska.

RWD: You could beat him with a sack of doorknobs.

VP: Yes, but I don't think he'd let us stay at his house in Alaska then...

RWD: I see. [You can always shack up with Donald! I just hope you like putting lotion on your skin.] So, other than hockey, what is there to do in Houghton?

VP: [copying and pasting] (10:48:38 PM) [why the heck do people have the time stamp in their AIM windows? It’s as weird as keeping AIM logs saved on one’s hard drive] me: Because I'm busy with school, work, hockey, broomball, skiing and... not consuming alcohol... [end copy and paste] That stuff. /lame cop out. [God. CS nerds.]

RWD: I can't do many of those things. I was thinking more about visitors to the region. YOU SHOULD BE AN AMBASSADOR FOR YOUR TOWN.

VP: I can't really comment on the bar scene, so I'm gonna say go skiing [There are only two choices?], especially at Mt. Bohemia, which is about 40 minutes north of Houghton. Best skiing in the Midwest. [Uh, that’s like saying the coldest spot in Death Valley!]

RWD: That is far.

VP: Not relative to the distance most people travel to get to Houghton.

RWD: I suppose. In the warmer months there's golfing, I hear.

VP: Yes, MTU's course is very nice. And very free for students.

RWD: Which Husky is the best golfer?

VP: The BLC golf outing was last August so I don't really remember. [And you say you aren’t drinking.] Lickteig was pretty good though.

RWD: Can't really say anything about his hockey skillz.

VP: Yeah, he went down for the season in practice before the season started. He played decent in the one exhibition game though...

RWD: So who are your favorite Huskies? I usually ask current and all-time, but your fandom isn't very lengthy. [VP’s like “All time? JORDAN FOOTE!”]

VP: I'd have to say Baker, BUNGER!, and Cousens. Or Dobson. Actually yeah, Dobson not Cousens. I get them confused sometimes.

RWD: I see. Not Little Peter? [Rohn]

VP: He's good, but I wouldn't call him a favorite.

RWD: What about Bennett? [Royer]

VP: If he could finish more often, he'd probably be a favorite. Same with Lord.

RWD: I... will not make the comment I am thinking of making. What about Robby?

VP: Nolan? [No, Krieger.] Too inconsistent.

RWD: What about JSL? [Justin St. Louis. Not pronounced Sant Loo-ee.]

VP: He doesn't play much, so no.

RWD: Mike Curry didn't play much. Even when he was on the ice. You don't like any of my Tech faves.

VP: I'm sorry. I judge on how they play.

RWD: Um. Relative to each other, I'm assuming. Since, uh...

VP: Style of play, not necessarily their success as a player.

RWD: What about their hottness? Who is the hottest Husky?

VP: I barely recognize most of them, so I can't really say. [Just look up at the poster you have on your ceiling that you make kissy-faces at every night.]

RWD: You have to answer.

VP: Well I guess I'll go with the answer you want to hear then and say Robby Nolan.

RWD: It's not about what I want to hear. [It happens to be the right answer. There is no room for difference of opinion on this matter.] It's about what's in your heart.

VP: I don't have hockey players in my heart.

RWD: That's sad. [And harsh.] What about Jamie? Is he in your heart?

VP: I'm a fan of the game, not a stalker of players. [To the VP, stalking = loving. Hmm… sounds like the future recipient of a restraining order to me!] Same applies to coaches.

RWD: You can still care. So how is Michigan Tech going to win this weekend?

VP: It's quite possible. I wouldn't be surprised if we managed to pull out a split.

RWD: That isn’t the question. [Sigh.]

VP: Win/Tie Friday, loss Saturday. [He claims to be a sophomore, but he’s acting like a freshman.]

RWD: Still not understanding the question. Do you need a lifeline?

VP: Yes? I'm optimistic with realistic expectations. Yes to the original question. [My brain is bleeding at this point.]

RWD: VP. It's not a yes or no question. My god. Let me rephrase.

VP: Oh wow. [CAN YOU SEE THE LIGHTBULB GOING ON OVER HIS HEAD?]

RWD: What strategy is Michigan Tech going to have to employ in order to be successful this weekend? THAT IS THE QUESTION.

VP: Yes, I see that now. Passing and an aggressive forecheck. [I like how scoring goals is not in the plan. Seems like he’s been drinking the Jamie Russell Kool-Aid.] Also, not skipping the second period would be good too.

RWD: And how will they lose?

VP: Bad passing, dump and watching and skipping the second period. Same way they've managed to lose and tie their way through this season so far.

RWD: Dump and watch. Do you think they do drills on that?

VP: I doubt it, just a lack of effort on the parts of the forwards.

RWD: Who will be in goal? A rotation? Robby? Robo? Robot Chicken?

VP: I'd probably say Robinson since he played pretty well in St. Cloud.

RWD: Does it even matter?

VP: Probably not.

RWD: You could play. You did get some experience with North Dakota last year. [Extremely long pause.] ... [another extremely long pause] ...

VP: I don't believe I played.

RWD: You helped in practice though. [The VP bears an uncanny resemblance to UND’s former 3rd stringer, Landon Snider.] I notice you were not asked back.

VP: Yeah.

RWD: Tragedy.

VP: Indeed.

RWD: So do you see the players around campus a lot?

VP: Every once in a while I'll walk past one, but not all that often.

RWD: So none of them are in any of your classes?

VP: Nope.

VP: CS and Physics aren't exactly popular majors for D1 hockey players. [I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t be. PHYSICS!!!!!!! is amazing!!!]

RWD: Maybe they would play better if they understood physics more thoroughly.

VP: I doubt it; you shouldn't be thinking that much on the ice.

RWD: If you understand physics well you don't really have to think.

VP: I think they've picked up on the necessary intuitive physics by the time they reach NCAA hockey.

RWD: And yet... 1-17-6.

VP: They should brush up on their chemistry; that would help the passing a lot more. A pool player can study geometry as much as he wants [and some physics, too! PHYSICS!!!!], but in the end it all depends on how well he can control how he hits the ball.

RWD: Speaking of balls: when did you grow some?

VP: They've been hanging around for a while. [Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww.]

RWD: Dormant.

VP: Perhaps.

RWD: Do you think it'll drive you crazy when your housemate and your sister start dating?

VP: My sister's previous boyfriend of 2 ½ years was a friend of mine before they met, so probably not too much. I doubt it will happen though.

RWD: What about when your mom and your housemate hook up?

VP: Really? A sister joke followed by a mom joke? You can do better than that. [He seemed prepared for this line of questioning. It must happen a lot.]

RWD: Who is joking?

VP: The implied housemate. My mom and my sister are way out of his league

RWD: I didn't ask who is a joke. So, any last words before we wrap things up?

VP: Nope.

RWD: How about a weekend prediction?

VP: Didn't we go over that when my reading comprehension took a dive? [NO.]

RWD: You have to give scores.

VP: 2-2, 4-2 UMD. [Close, but there will be no tie. tUMD SWEEPS!]