25 February 2009

Stuffgopherfanslike

The post is dedicated to stuff that Gopher fans like. (FYI, it is an homage to this site. There is probably a lot of overlap.) Since tUMD fans will be guests in their building, I have provided this helpful guide to some of their most common behaviors.

#1. Polite Applause.
Gopher fans occasionally find a reason to be pleased with their team, and many of them feel the need to express it in an appropriate way. The most common way for Gopher fans to convey their approval to their team is through polite applause. Gopher fans are well-versed in polite applause because their favorite sport, golf, requires it. Gopher fans are extremely pleased that they have an outlet for their polite applause so they do not get out of practice during the long winter months.

#2. Exclusive Free Domestic Beer.
Gopher fans enjoy ascending to the Blue Line Club for free plastic cups of lukewarm domestic beer. However, Gopher fans do not like other Gopher fans to bring people who are not members up to the club, though those same Gopher fans like to bring their own non-members up. Gopher fans have invented many ways to prevent non-members from invading, like wristbands and tickets and other flotsam and jetsam; none of this has prevented people such as secret RWD gossip source The Beard from sneaking me into the BLC. Gopher fans are so serious about segregated imbibing that they would prefer to swill exclusive free domestic beer than watch Gopher hockey; their priorities are firmly set. It should be noted that Gopher coaches do not enjoy beer, whether domestic or foreign, free or for sale, exclusive or inclusive, being consumed in college hockey arenas.

#3. Sandbagging.
No matter how many games the Gophers have won, Gopher fans will always say something along the lines of "This team always plays the Gophers tough," "I predict a split," or "I will dance naked on the coffee table if the Gophers sweep." Though no one actually believes these trite comments, Gopher fans nonetheless flood USCHO and the messages boards of opposing teams with their pandering. Gopher fans then go over to GPL and say what they really think: GOPHERS UBER ALLES.

#4. Arriving Late To Games.
Gopher fans often enjoy arriving at games when at least ten minutes have elapsed. Some of them even prefer to miss the first period entirely. This causes issues when standing room only fans occupy those seats, thinking such seats' occupants had some other engagment and could not find someone else to take them off their hands. It has even in rare cases caused harrassment of innocent Michigan Tech fans.

#5. Paying Excessive Amounts Of Money For Tickets.
Everyone knows of the legendary waiting list for Gopher season tickets. This list appears to never shorten as corporations use the tickets as tax write-offs, people who don't want them anymore find someone else to take them, and Gopher fans who go to that great Blue Line Club In The Sky will them to their children. Gopher fans with deep pockets or a lot of plasma to donate can circumvent most of the line by paying a nominal fee of $1000, and legions of them do.

#6. What Fighting Sioux Fans Are Thinking About.
And vice versa.

7 comments:

Nate said...

#7. Believing Minnesota only recruits instate high school players.

One easy way to get on the good side of a Gopher fan is to complain about other teams in the WCHA recruiting players from areas other than their home state. This is especially true of North Dakota, who commonly recruits (Gasp!) Canadians. Such actions are to be frowned upon in all circumstances. True Gopher fans know that Minnesota only recruits instate kids. A fan of any team that has players not from the school's state on its current roster or any past roster should feel ashamed.

To earn bonus points, and perhaps an invitation to the Blue Line Club, one should insist that the national titles that Minnesota won with players from North Dakota and Austria playing key roles would have been won anyway, even without them.

Nate said...

#8. Knowing that all Minnesota high school players want to "wear the M"

It is commonly known among Gopher fans that all high school hockey players in Minnesota grow up dreaming of someday "wearing the M". In fact, all kids that play high school hockey across the Midwest (maybe the world?) share this dream, but unless they are lucky enough to live in Minnesota, it will never come true.

Gopher fans know that any Minnesota high school hockey player that does not play for the Gophers either didn't have enough talent or wasn't a winner. If these cast-offs choose to play anywhere else, especially for a WCHA school, they are to be scoffed at, and generally looked down upon for the rest of their lives.

Runninwiththedogs said...

Wow, that was a hell of a lot more effort than I put in.

vizoroo said...

#9. Gopher Fans'Condescending Attitude
Minnesota fans think they have the only REAL University and Division I Hockey team in the entire state. They are wondering what these Duluthians, are doing in their arena. And the colors on the uniforms are right, but is that animal on steroids or what?

This attitude is not specifically focused on tUMD. Forced to entertain other aliens from Mankato, Mars, St. Cloud, Canada, Bemidji, Pluto, (shudder) hostile, abusive North Dakota,Uranus etal; it is only through the practice of rodent worshipping fanaticism,that they endure the onslaught of such lesser beings.

WARNING: The attempts of the unwashed masses to defile their holiest shrine, the Moosh, and enter The Blue Line Club, without the proper pedigree, may cause rabid rodent responses.

Nate said...

vizoroo, it's supposed to be stuffgopherfanslike, not stuffidon'tlikeaboutgopherfans.

Spot on nonetheless.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry all you duluthians, your boy Barack will take care of it all...

Runninwiththedogs said...

Dear Anonymous,
I am fairly certain you waltzed on over here from the Daily Gopher. Please be advised that 1. I live in the Cities and 2. Barack will take care of nothing. Including your PWR.
Welcome!
RWD