30 March 2010


Attention Drew Akins: You have not updated your blog. I find this unacceptable. I know your semester is not over, so come on, give us some sort of wrap up. And for the love of Lessard, WHO WON THE PING-PONG TOURNAMENT????

27 March 2010

The Devil Among Us

So, I'm going to the regional tonight. Woo hoo. I'm put in the position of actually cheering for Wisconsin. This is more uncomfortable than the back of a Volkswagen.

Anyway, I'm a little nervous. Last night I was watching part of the late regional game (and not studying!!!! of course) and chatting with my buddy Badger Backer and then they showed a photo of Badgers assistant coach Mark Osiecki. I wish I could have gotten a screencap, because I had a really hard time finding a photo that does him justice, but here we go (he's on the left):

Really, if Satan walked the earth in human form, this is what he'd look like.

26 March 2010

Gophers Make Off-Season Staffing Changes to Improve Performance

Gophers Make Off-Season Staffing Changes to Improve Performance
Associated Press

After the Gophers’ latest underperforming season, something had to change. Fingers pointed in all directions: players, coaches, the athletic department. After an intensive investigation into the reasons why the Gophers’ season went so far off track, the Gopher staff finally found the weak link in the program and took steps to ensure they have the correct staffing for future success.

Fox Sports North, the cable sports station that broadcasts Gopher hockey games, announced Friday they would not renew the contract of play-by-play announcer Frank Mazzocco and will not have former men’s hockey coach Doug Woog back as an analyst. Fox Sports North Senior Vice President and General Manager Mike Dimond commented on the decision, noting “There is a disturbing trend in the Gopher program of late. The Gophers have missed the NCAA tournament for the second season in a row, players are leaving the program, and fans are unhappy with the product on the ice. The clear solution to this problem is to bring in new commentators to rejuvenate the program and restore it to its former glory.”

“This is the right direction for our program,” Head Coach Don Lucia told media Friday morning. “We just felt that Frank said too many nice things about the opponents, and that’s not how you win games. The radio guys, they’re always one hundred percent behind us, always recognizing the only stars of the game are on our team. Frank and Doug were always complimenting opponents on their play.”

Assistant Coach John Hill felt even more strongly about the decision. “We felt Frank was really the only element holding us back from being a championship-caliber team. There are no issues with the players and certainly not with the coaches, especially not with the assistant coaches. It is obvious that Frank and Doug were not serious enough about the team. We are out there playing for our lives and they are in the broadcast booth making cute jokes and comments. And Doug Woog didn’t even win a national championship. I don’t see how he is an asset to the program at all.”

First-year Assistant Coach and former Gopher captain Grant Potulny, when approached for comment, stated “I agree with what Coach Lucia said. What did he say?”

Mazzocco will be replaced in the broadcast booth by pompous ass Anthony LaPanta. The analyst position has not been decided yet, although the Gopher community is speculating that Kevin Gorg would take over those duties.

24 March 2010


We interrupt my regularly scheduled homework/mass cramming for exams to bring you this really old news.

The WCHA end-of-season awards were announced before the Final Five. Jack Connolly was All-WCHA 1st team and Justin Fontaine was All-WCHA 2nd team. The other winnarz were not from tUMD and thus do not matter.

Additionally, tUMD's resident smarty-pantses were honored as members of the All-WCHA Academic Team. Players must have at least one year of residency at their school, must have a GPA > 3.0 for the previous two semesters, or have an overall GPA > 3.0. (Recall that the Scholar-Athletes were announced last month. The GPA cutoff there is 3.5.)

Drew Akins (Communication)
Jack Connolly (Undecided according to his tUMD bio, although I don't think that's true, someone* help me out here Communications)
David Grun (Business)
Brady Hjelle (Accounting)

Repeat Offenders
Rob Bordson (Accounting)
Justin Fontaine (Accounting)
Chad Huttel (Exercise Science)
Kenny Reiter (Finance)
Chase Ryan (Accounting)
Kyle Schmidt (Statistics and Actuarial Science)

Congratulations, everyone!

*ahem, someone, you know who you are Thank youuuu

21 March 2010

Bye Bye Bordson


Congratulations, Rob! You had an amazing season! You are a great STUDENT-athlete and your hard work on and off the ice made this possible. What a great example you have set for your teammates and for the young Bulldog fans who look up to you. Continue to make us proud!

19 March 2010


Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from game to game
To the last syllable of recorded play,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief goal light!
Hockey's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the ice
And then is heard no more: it is a blog
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

-Macbeth, Act V Scene V

Well, I don't know what to say. We don't know if this is the end of the season or not, for sure, but I feel like it is. We'll never see Akins, Fulton, Chase Ryan, Palm (though he is eligible for a red-shirt) and most likely others in a Bulldog jersey again. I can't be critical of anyone tonight because... because I just can't. I don't want to. I mean, really, what's the point? They won home ice. They made it to the Final Five. I'd say I'm satisfied with the season.

But one thing about tonight's game: Kenny was AMAZING.

Oh, and I rode the Zamboni, which was so incredibly cool and exhilarating and I wish it had been a good omen for the team.

17 March 2010

Old Blood and Guts

This worked last year, so here we go.

Men, this stuff that some sources sling around about the Bulldogs wanting out of this season, not wanting to fight, is a crock of bull****. Bulldogs love to fight, traditionally. All real Bulldogs love the sting and clash of battle.

You are here today for three reasons. First, because you are here to defend your teammates and your loved fans. Second, you are here for your own self respect, because you would not want to be anywhere else. Third, you are here because you are real men and all real men like to fight. When you, here, every one of you, were kids, you all admired the champion hockey player, the fastest skater, the toughest checker, the big league goal-scorers, and the All-American hockey players. Bulldogs fans love a winner. Bulldogs fans will not tolerate a loser. Bulldogs fans despise cowards. Bulldogs fans play to win all of the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Bulldogs fans will not lose this year nor will ever lose in the future; for the very idea of losing is hateful to a Bulldogs fan.

You are not all going to die. Only two percent of you right here today would die in a major battle. Death must not be feared. Death, in time, comes to all men. Yes, every man is scared in his first hockey game. If he says he's not, he's a liar. Some men are cowards but they skate the same as the brave men or they get the hell slammed out of them watching men play who are just as scared as they are. The real hero is the man who plays hockey even though he is scared. Some men get over their fright in a minute under fire. For some, it takes an hour. For some, it takes days. But a real man will never let his fear of ending the season overpower his honor, his sense of duty to his fanbase, and his innate manhood. Hockey is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base. Bulldog players pride themselves on being He-Men and they ARE He-Men.

Remember that the enemy is just as frightened as you are, and probably more so. They are not supermen. All through your hockey careers, you men have bitched about what you call "chicken **** practice." That, like everything else for this team, has a definite purpose. That purpose is alertness. Alertness must be bred into every player. I don't give a **** for a man who's not always on his toes.

You men are veterans or you wouldn't be here. You are ready for what's to come. A man must be alert at all times if he expects to score goals. If you're not alert, sometime, a Fighting Sioux son-of-an-*******-***** is going to sneak up behind you and beat you to death with a sock full of ****! There are four hundred neatly marked graves somewhere in Colorado Springs, all because one goalie went to sleep on the job. But they are Tiger graves, because we caught the ******* asleep before they did.

The Bulldogs are a team. They live, sleep, eat, and fight as a team. This individual heroic stuff is pure horse ****. The bilious ******** who write that kind of stuff for the Grand Forks Herald don't know any more about real fighting under fire than they know about *******! We have the finest food, the finest equipment, the best spirit, and the best men in the WCHA. Why, by God, I actually pity those poor sons-of-bitches we're going up against. By God, I do. My 'Dogs don't surrender, and I don't want to hear of any player on my team sitting on the bench unless he has been hit. Even if you are hit, you can still fight back. That's not just bull **** either. The kind of player that I want on my team is just like MacGregor Sharp, who, with a hockey stick against his chest, jerked off his helmet, swept the stick aside with one hand, and busted the hell out of the UND player with his helmet. Then he went out and killed another UND player before they knew what the hell was coming off. There was a real man!

All of the real heroes are not storybook pure goal scorers, either. Every single man on this team plays a vital role. Don't ever let up. Don't ever think that your job is unimportant. Every man has a job to do and he must do it. Every man is a vital link in the great chain. What if every grinder suddenly decided that he didn't like the bang of bodies into the boards, turned yellow, and jumped headlong into the bench? The cowardly ******* could say, 'Hell, they won't miss me, just one man in twenty.' But, what if every man thought that way? Where in the hell would we be now? What would our team, our fans, our arena, even the world, be like? No, ******* it, Bulldogs don't think like that. Every man does his job. Every man serves the whole. Every line, every shift, is important in the vast scheme of this war. The powerplay is needed to supply the guns and machinery of war to keep us rolling. The equipment manager is needed to bring up sticks and skates because where we are going there isn't a hell of a lot to steal. Every last man on this team has a job to do, even the one who fills our water bottles to keep us from getting the 'G.I. *****'.

Each man must not think only of himself, but also of his buddy playing beside him. We don't want yellow cowards on this team. They should be killed off like rats. If not, they will go home after this game and breed more cowards. The brave men will breed more brave men. Kill off the ********* cowards and we will have a recruiting pipeline of brave men. One of the bravest men that I ever saw was Drew Akins in the midst of a furious fire fight in Mankato. I stopped and asked what the hell he was doing there at a time like that. He answered, 'Kicking their ***, Sir.' I asked, 'Isn't it a bad time to take a penalty right now?' He answered, 'Yes Sir, but the ********* goalie must be stood up for.' I asked, 'Don't those player cross-checking you from behind bother you?' And he answered, 'No, Sir, but you sure as hell do!'

Now, there was a real man. A real player. There was a man who devoted all he had to his duty, no matter how seemingly insignificant his duty might appear at the time, no matter how great the odds. And you should have seen those penalty killers on Sunday at tDECC. Those guys were magnificent. All day and all night they blocked those son-of-a-******** shots, never stopping, never faltering from their course, with pucks bouncing off them all the time. We got through on good old Bulldog guts.

Many of those players played for over thirty minutes a game. These men weren't goal-scoring men, but they were players with a job to do. They did it, and in one hell of a way they did it. They were part of a team. Without team effort, without them, the game would have been lost. All of the links in the chain pulled together and the chain became unbreakable.

Don't forget, you men don't know that I'm here. No mention of that fact is to be made in any letters. The world is not supposed to know what the hell happened to me. I'm not supposed to be commanding this team. I'm not even supposed to be here in St. Paul. Let the first bastards to find out be the ********* Sioux fans. Someday I want to see them raise up on their ****-soaked hind legs and howl, 'Jesus Christ, it's the ********* Bulldogs again and that daughter-of-a-*******-***** RWD.' We want to get the hell over there." The quicker we clean up this ********* mess, the quicker we can take a little jaunt to the ******* regionals and clean up there, too. Before the ********* Sioux get all of the credit.

Sure, we want to go to the NCAAs. We want this weekend over with. The quickest way to get it over with is to go get the ******** who stand in our way. The quicker they are whipped, the easier we'll get into the tournament. The easiest way in is through UND and Denver. And when we get to UND, I am personally going to shoot that paper hanging son-of-a-***** Hakstol. Just like I'd shoot a snake!

When a team is playing in a defensive shell, if they just stay there all day, the Sioux will get to them eventually. The hell with that idea. The hell with taking it. My men don't play the trap. I don't want them to. The trap only slows up an offensive. Keep moving. And don't give the enemy time to play one, either. We'll win this game, but we'll win it only by fighting and by showing the Sioux that we've got more guts than they have; or ever will have. We're not going to just beat the sons-of-*******, we're going to rip out their living ********* guts and use them to grease the treads of our bus tires. We're going to murder those lousy Sioux **** ******* by the bushel-*******-basket.

Hockey is a bloody, killing business. You've got to spill their blood, or they will spill yours. Rip them up the belly. Shoot them in the guts. When pucks are flying all around you and you wipe the sweat off your face and realize that instead of sweat it's the blood and guts of what once was your teammate beside you, you'll know what to do! I don't want to get any messages saying, 'I am holding my position.' We are not holding a ********* thing. Let the Sioux do that. We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding onto anything, except the enemy's *****. We are going to twist his ***** and kick the living **** out of him all of the time. Our basic plan of operation is to advance and to keep on advancing regardless of whether we have to go over, under, or through the enemy. We are going to go through them like crap through a goose; like **** through a tin horn!

From time to time there will be some complaints that we are pushing our players too hard. I don't give a good ******* about such complaints. I believe in the old and sound rule that an ounce of sweat will save a gallon of blood. The harder WE push, the more Sioux we will kill. The more Sioux we kill, the fewer of our men will be killed. Pushing means fewer casualties. I want you all to remember that.

There is one great thing that you men will all be able to say after this tournament is over and you are in the regionals once again. You may be thankful that forty years from now when you are sitting by the fireplace with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what you did in college hockey, you WON'T have to cough, shift him to the other knee and say, 'Well, your Granddaddy shoveled **** in Bemidji.' No, Sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say, 'Son, your Granddaddy played with the Bulldogs and a Son-of-a-*********-***** named Scott Sandelin!'

General George S. Patton

Maybe Next Time...

Well, Felon of the Year Matt Frattin shall be sitting this weekend for his hit on Kevin Wehrs. Ciskie has the YouTube video of it. Of course, Sioux fans are crying out for yet ANOTHER injustice against Matt Frattin. You know, the same guy who was magically acquitted of drunken driving despite failing sobriety tests. He's truly the victim here. There is a clear conspiracy against the Sioux. Why else would he be suspended????? It is a TRAVESTY. A MISCARRIAGE of JUSTICE. HE MUST BE AVENGED!!!!

Or maybe, just maybe, he's actually being justly and correctly punished for once?

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats?

16 March 2010

There's No Place Like Home

tUMD 3, Tiggies 2 (OT)
tUMD 3, Tiggies 5
tUMD 4, Tiggies 0

Yes. I know. It is Tuesday. Blah. Bite me.

Friday I missed the whole game. I had class. It was very stressful. Especially since I started my quiz knowing the score was 2-1. Overtime win. Yay.

Saturday I had school all day and then zoomed up. Learned that I 100% definitely absolutely did not win the high school hockey pool. This comes as no surprise. There is no way someone in this universe had a perfect AA pool.

Oh Saturday. Team Cougar needed you to be a good day, and you were not. We lost in the fantasy league playoffs. Arghs. Well, at least we didn't have to pay.

Saturday I split my time between the student section and the other end of the rink with my family. The first period was somewhat uneventful. tUMD scored early in the game and I felt hope.

And then my hopes were dashed by two CC goals within a minute of each other. And then brought back up by 2 power play goals by tUMD (going 3 for 3 at the time). And also very very very very very very very confused, as tUMD was called for icing on the PK. This caused some shenanigans. And then my hopes were dashed again by a CC PPG.

I want to discuss the fourth CC goal for a moment. It was a result of a scrum in front of the net that lasted for about 10 hours. Many others have pointed it out, but really, refs, did you have your eyes on the puck the whole time?

Saturday night was fun, although not as fun as a sweep would have been. And also it wasn't very fun to freeze my everything off on an air mattress while listening to Yager and Mike snoring on the couches. Blahhhh. Most of Sunday I was hung over without drunkenness. AGAIN. Cruel.

And then Sunday. And the perfect game. Or a perfect game. The FF championship game against DU was probably more perfect, but still.

There were many penalties, certainly. One was called 6 seconds into the game, which is probably the quickest penalty I've ever seen. tUMD did not score on that PP. Huttel got kicked out of the game. He seemed very angry about it. Perhaps it was for the best, we did not need anyone getting DQd. (More on that later.) Gabe Guentzel was also kicked out of the game. Then Nate Prosser was stupid and took a penalty too. He tried to hurt My Jacky I think. UNACCEPTABLE. So we got a goal during that 5x3 and then another one. See, Gophers, this is how you do it. Also we did the Mexican hat dance. And Biddco did a 3-legged-race and came in 2nd, a MAJOR comeback from last place, facilitated by two other teams falling.

I was so happy with a win! The final playoff game at the DECC, and it's won in a commanding fashion. With ALLEGEDLY 3402 people there. Right. But anyway, AMAZING. Lovely. Glorious. And Drew had a nice little speech. It was cute.

And I got home at midnight Sunday, and had to work the next morning. Good lord. I'm STILL tired. Kill me.

10 March 2010

Picks and Pans

Well, between Donald and me, no one did a recap of Saturday's game. Oops. Hope no one is devastated.

I would be completely lame if I didn't call out Jordan Fulton for his totally awesome and insane performance on Saturday night. Four points (1+3) consisting of the game-opening goal 19 seconds into the second period, an assist on a somewhat controversial goal scored by My Jacky, an assist on David Grun's power play goal that came 27 seconds after a shorthanded goal by UAA, and an assist on Grun's second power play goal just five minutes later. Buddy, you picked a great game to have a career night (so did my homeslice David Grun!!)

A lot of bloggers, both with and without media credentials, have been posting their ballots for the WCHA's end-of-season awards. I'm going to jump on the bandwagon here and pull my levers and punch my chads. You can review my picks from 2008-2009
here. And yes, I do enjoy setting back bloggers' progress toward recognition as serious journalists.

First Team
F Jack Connolly
F Mike Connolly
F Justin Fontaine
D Brady Lamb
D Mike Montgomery
G Kenny Reiter

Second Team
F Rob Bordson
F Travis Oleksuk
F Kyle Schmidt
D Dylan Olsen
D Scott Kishel
G Brady Hjelle

Third Team
F David Grun
F Drew Akins
F Mike Seidel
D Chad Huttel
D Wade Bergman
G Aaron Crandall

Rookie Team
F Mike Seidel
F Keegan Flaherty
F Dan Delisle
D Dylan Olsen
D Wade Bergman
G Aaron Crandall

Player of the Year: Jack Connolly
Rookie of the Year: Mike Seidel
Coach of the Year: Scott Sandelin

We've also got the Boys' Hockey State High School Tournament! Here are my prognostications (yes I know one game is over already but I promise I had already picked it):

Roseau over Edina
Blaine over Apple Valley
Minnetonka over Lakeville North
Duluth East over Hill-Murray

Consolation semifinals
Edina over Apple Valley
Hill-Murray over Lakeville North

Consolation champs
Edina over Hill-Murray

Blaine over Roseau
Minnetonka over Duluth East

Third Place
Duluth East over Roseau

Minnetonka over Blaine, score 4-3

Mahtomedi over Alexandria (I'm right!)
Hermantown over Virginia-Mountain Iron-Buhl
Breck over New Ulm
Warroad over Rochester-Lourdes

Consolation semifinals
Virginia-Mountain Iron-Buhl over Alexandria
Rochester-Lourdes over New Ulm

Consolation champs
Virginia-Mountain Iron-Buhl over Rochester-Lourdes

Hermantown over Mahtomedi
Warroad over Breck

Third Place
Breck over Mahtomedi

Hermantown over Warroad, score 6-5

Lastly, TEAM COUGAR has advanced to the WCHA Fantasy Hockey League finals against all odds. Team Cougar and Team UNDUIs (Dirty's team) made a perfectly-legal-though-not-quite-ethical trade, and the league commissioners decided they would change the rules of the game. Just another reason to hate St. Cloud fans. Despite this ULTRA SHADY SNEAKY UNDERHANDED PETTY JEALOUS MOVE on the part of the "league," Team Cougar is primed for the playoffs. Hello, Jacky? Please get a hat trick. Love, me.

06 March 2010

Mush! Mush!

Bulldogs fans, fear not. tUMD has someone VERY familiar with Anchorage who just arrived to help tDogs win tonight!

"This Is A Simple Game"

Horribleness 2, UAA 3


There's not nearly enough swearing in this video, but there is some, so if you are offended by it, then just don't click. But it's actually much less offensive than the way tUMD played tonight.

02 March 2010

Tougher In Alaska, Too

It's our final road trip of the season, and it's going to be a tough one. tUMD generally doesn't fare very well against UAA in general, and certainly not in Anchorage. We saw what happened last time, despite Drew Akins's best attempts to prepare.

This time, Drew brought a friend.

Here are the Drews after they landed their chartered helicopter. Halfway through the rotors went out and they had to fly it themselves. Boy are their arms tired.

Drew takes a moment to drink in the natural beauty of Alaska, the Last Frontier, before he gets down to biznass.

Drew unloads all the gear himself. Except for the Vermont tournament.
Sandy made him take a weekend off and made someone else do it, and they screwed up.

Drew saves lives. Here he is after saving four adults, quintuplets,
a Great Dane, a hairless cat, and a player piano from a burning house.

The Drews took part of their workouts from Spiderman comics: web-slinging, hanging upside down,
and climbing tall things. Note that I am totally kicking their badonkadonks.

See, here's Drew with some of the web-slinging equipment.

Akins taught Olson his tips and tricks for success in the Duluth Rodeo, which,
as we learned in the first Tougher in Alaska post, is roping boats offshore and hauling them into port.
Akins is demonstrating his technique for securing his quarry.

Drew saw this stupid UAF intro video and was like "Eff that noise, I can destroy Anchorage myself."
He commandeered some heavy machinery...

And now he's ready to ravage UAA!

"Remember kids, don't try this at home! I'm a professional!"

Ok, Bulldogs, let's follow the Golden Rule and do unto the Seawolves as they did unto us lastyear.