26 March 2010

Gophers Make Off-Season Staffing Changes to Improve Performance

Gophers Make Off-Season Staffing Changes to Improve Performance
Associated Press

After the Gophers’ latest underperforming season, something had to change. Fingers pointed in all directions: players, coaches, the athletic department. After an intensive investigation into the reasons why the Gophers’ season went so far off track, the Gopher staff finally found the weak link in the program and took steps to ensure they have the correct staffing for future success.

Fox Sports North, the cable sports station that broadcasts Gopher hockey games, announced Friday they would not renew the contract of play-by-play announcer Frank Mazzocco and will not have former men’s hockey coach Doug Woog back as an analyst. Fox Sports North Senior Vice President and General Manager Mike Dimond commented on the decision, noting “There is a disturbing trend in the Gopher program of late. The Gophers have missed the NCAA tournament for the second season in a row, players are leaving the program, and fans are unhappy with the product on the ice. The clear solution to this problem is to bring in new commentators to rejuvenate the program and restore it to its former glory.”

“This is the right direction for our program,” Head Coach Don Lucia told media Friday morning. “We just felt that Frank said too many nice things about the opponents, and that’s not how you win games. The radio guys, they’re always one hundred percent behind us, always recognizing the only stars of the game are on our team. Frank and Doug were always complimenting opponents on their play.”

Assistant Coach John Hill felt even more strongly about the decision. “We felt Frank was really the only element holding us back from being a championship-caliber team. There are no issues with the players and certainly not with the coaches, especially not with the assistant coaches. It is obvious that Frank and Doug were not serious enough about the team. We are out there playing for our lives and they are in the broadcast booth making cute jokes and comments. And Doug Woog didn’t even win a national championship. I don’t see how he is an asset to the program at all.”

First-year Assistant Coach and former Gopher captain Grant Potulny, when approached for comment, stated “I agree with what Coach Lucia said. What did he say?”

Mazzocco will be replaced in the broadcast booth by pompous ass Anthony LaPanta. The analyst position has not been decided yet, although the Gopher community is speculating that Kevin Gorg would take over those duties.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a joke!!!! I've never heard anything like this. What would Herb Brooks say about this? 20 drafted NHL players on the Gophers roster, far more then any other team in the WCHA and you blame the guys on TV. Maybe all the talent in the world doesn't make the best team. Herb proved that in 1980. This makes the Gopher coaching staff and the U the laught stock of the league. Also, at least their on TV unlike most.

Runninwiththedogs said...

Honey, it is a joke. :)

marooned said...

We need both of those guys analyzing the health care bill so I can understand it.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA! this is hilarious! The best: "pompous ass Anthony LaPanta" - those two words should precede his name every time it is written and/or spoken. Well done!

Anonymous said...

This one brought an outright laugh, loved it. Most of the time I just smile but not on this one, it needed the full blown laugh.

Although I believe Frank is relieved not to be back, Doug, based on the "deer in the headlights" look had checked out long ago. :)

Anonymous said...

"Back to the booth with pompous ass Anthony LaPanta, Anthony?"

"Thanks, Marney..."

Runninwiththedogs said...

Fun times, Anon @ 8:50!

Thanks for the kind words, folks! I will miss Frank and Doug, I enjoyed their zaniness.

vizoroo said...

Obvious solution for the gophs.

But how can you expect the gophs to win without the woogster and woogisms?

lolololo