14 January 2008

The Gauntlet: Hold Your Horses Edition

Well, never in my life have I been under such pressure to finish an interview! I mean, people were begging for it even before I'd done the WCH interview LAST week. But good things come to those who wait...

This week, RWD interviews Cardinal, GPL Loser Lifer, Failed WCHA Blogger, and a surprisingly good sport.

RWD: So, I appreciate you taking the time to do this interview with me.

RC: I already washed my hair and re-laced my shoes today, so I figured why not? [What, no Velcro?]

RWD: I didn't even know you were aware this site existed.

RC: Are you kidding ... I mash F5 on RWTD night and day.

RWD: I... don't know what that means. [It sounds vaguely like British slang.]

RC: Refreshes the page.

RWD: I see. One would never know that from looking at the sidebar from tWCHA Blog. One quick look down the links list shows a GLARING OMISSION.

RC: This is true.

RWD: Readers want to know about the snubbing of RWD... What did RWD ever do to you?

RC: I wanted to see how long it took a great blog -- such as RWTD -- to notice said omission from a much lesser blog such as my former endeavor. You were a litmus test, in other words. [Liar! I noticed right away and he did nothing about it, even after he was admonished by FHG and MEg.]

RWD: People were rioting in the streets. Well, maybe just Gopher fans.

RC: In Duluth? [All over the world!] God knows that won't happen in Dinkytown for a while...

RWD: No one ever riots after a loss, eh? Maybe St. Cloud should start.

RC: I think FHG does when tUMD loses, but other than that, no.

RWD: Is a one-man riot possible?

RC: Well, at least if they rioted up there, nothing decent would get destroyed. If they ever close the Sports Garden, you'll see it first-hand. [Will he put out his own fires?]

RWD: I'm excited to see that this is becoming a Rip On FHG interview. [They all should be.]

RC: Well, it IS about his favorite city... plus I heard he may have supplied you with some ammo on me, so I'm taking pre-emptive shots.

RWD: Oh him? Never... I tried. He was loyal. [NONE of my sources came through for me! Shame on you guys!]

RC: That's kind of him. First time for everything... Enough about him, though.

RWD: He does need all the confidence he can get for this weekend. [The confidence to shove crumpled up, soggy dollar bills into the g-string of some butterface at the Toga.] But, back to the WCHA Blog. What made you want to start it?

RC: Well, I graduated with a journalism degree [Useless major! Clap clap clapclapclap!] but didn't get into writing as my full-time job out of college, so I wanted to try and stay decent at it. Plus, I needed something to help kill time at my old job.

RWD: I'm sure it's something to put on the resume you're sending in to Fox 9.

RC: I don't begrudge that station: they showed Kris Chucko dressed in drag and first alerted us to the fact Frazee is a booze-hound.

RWD: Oh please, I'm pro-Fox 9. [Investigating the truth about Golden Trannies and Golden... other things. Oh, wait, that’s Oshie.] Why did you decide to write a WCHA blog rather than a Gopher blog?

RC: Hammy pretty much had the market cornered on that. Plus, though I'm a Gopher fan, I try to pay pretty good attention to the rest of the league, and I also figured that a league-wide blog would have more appeal and give me more things to discuss.

RWD: Who is this Hammy of which you speak? What does he look like?

RC: Like FHG's obsession with Duluth, Hammy is very mysterious, so I've never had the pleasure of meeting/seeing him in person. [Here is a sketch artist's rendering of Hammy.]

RWD: So did you find you'd bitten off more than you could chew with tWCHA Blog? [Hopefully it was Longhorn!]

RC: I think that I was able to update it pretty regularly when I first started, but then when I took a new job, my time was much more limited, and I didn't want to half-[badonkadonk] things on the blog. Think of it as putting a dying pet out of its misery as opposed to trying to keep it alive. [Sorry MEg.]

RWD: I know I make it look easy, churning out brilliant piece after brilliant piece. [Hello, first Pulitzer Prize for Blogging? Yes, I’ll hold.]

RC: Oh yeah, you're a machine.

RWD: What's on your daily blog reading list?

RC: Obviously RWTD is high on the list... [Lies! All lies!] Among the other, much less good [No journalism major would ever write that. May I buy you a copy of The Elements of Style?] blogs that I read include Western College Hockey, USHL Blog, Brad Schlossman's blog, and a few other WCHA-related ones, depending upon what's happening with the various teams that said blogs are related to. So, for example, if another Sioux player gets arrested [Who’s next? I think we should start a pool! Smart money's on either Zach Jones or Bina again.], I may check Goon's blog to see why it's Lucia's fault that Oshie is a lush. [Alternatively, it is the referee’s fault.]

RWD: And why he is incontinent! [I can’t wait to see what tUMD’s student section comes up with for the UND series in March.]

RC: Exactly.

RWD: And how many hours a day do you spend on GPL?

RC: As my post count would indicate, way too much. [My post count on GPL is four, and I think THAT is way too much.] I try to check it often while at work [to make sure no one else has quit the team], but I'm not on there too much during off-hours (nights, weekends).

RWD: Hm, I hope your employer doesn't Google you.

RC: There's probably much worse stuff on the web about me than that [I read some of it on tPB today!], but yes, I agree.

RWD: So, did you have a good time in St. Cloud this weekend?

RC: [Bursting through a brick wall:] Oh yeah! The Red Carpet is always a good follow-up to the game, which obviously wasn't great, but it's far enough into the season at this point that the outcome didn't surprise me, though Frazee's antics made for an interesting first period.

RWD: I didn't see the first period, as I had a more important game to watch. Was he double-fisting the Long Islands or what?

RC: As I've explained to a few people, Frazee should never play on Saturdays, since The Library has $2.50 LI's ... that had to factor into things.

RWD: Maybe Lucia could talk to the owner, get that special moved to another day... [in exchange for some free tickets.] You know tGarden has $4 L.I. pitchers, right? [I’m sure Jeff is well aware.]

RC: I tend to stick with Kamis at tGarden, but I've been known to have a L.I. pitcher or two there.

RWD: I find that hard to believe. [Maybe he meant a thimble or two.] What's the over/under on your bedtime this weekend?

RC: Wow ... well, I guess I can't run from my past, and have to face the facts ... it should be noted that I'm young in my "drinking years" [not if you’re from St. Cloud] so a lot of my lackluster performances in the past could be attributed to inexperience [Um, what exactly are we talking about here? Is this Seventeen magazine’s “True Confessions” or something?]... I'm shooting for Midnight or later on both nights. That would be a nice feat for me.

RWD: I have another reader-submitted question.

RC: Oh boy...

RWD: What type of headgear will you be sporting at the games this weekend?

RC: You know, I have quite the array of lids [Fo reals, homey?]... I've seen that the weather should be plenty cold this weekend in Duluth, so I'm leaning towards a stocking cap of some form.

RWD: Is it hound’s-tooth?

RC: "Hound’s-tooth??” Never heard of it. [We all know this to be untrue.]

RWD: Well, all I know is what my readers tell me. [Ugh, I tried, man. It just wasn’t funny.] Let's talk a little about the Gophers.

RC: Do we have to? [I’ll turn this car right around, young man!]

RWD: John Hill for Bob Motzko was a great trade, wasn't it? [Like A.J. Pierzynski and Dustan Mohr for Boof, Liriano, and Nathan, although the lustre on that deal seems to have tarnished with the passing of time.]

RC: Hill has much better hair, and also has a better array of ties, so from that perspective we won [but does he wear Guess? jeans? I DOUBT IT. Probably Jordache.]. Seriously though, it should be noted that Motzko helped recruit this year's senior class, which isn't exactly setting the world on fire.

RWD: Ah, that was a very Don Lucia-style answer.

RC: How so?

RWD: He pretty much throws you under the bus if you're not on his team.

RC: I wouldn't say I threw Motzko under the bus... Now, if I would have talked about his team pissing away a cream-puff path to the Frozen Four last year, or how he has a .500 team now without Bobby!!!11!!!1 [You can only dream of having a .500 team], that would have been under the bus.

RWD: So, what happens if the Gophers don't make their own invitational in March?

RC: Well, when the Gophers don't make it, I'm sure there will be much rejoicing in places like Grand Forks, Duluth, etc. Personally, it won't be super tough, since it's been clear for a while now that this team just isn't very good. It'd be much worse to miss it like Denver did last year, for example.

RWD: It was much more exciting when Denver didn't make it TWO YEARS ago. Remember when everyone hated Blake Wheeler?

RC: Ah, yes, the good old days.

RWD: I notice it's pretty crowded on the Wheeler bandwagon now.

RC: Not to throw him under the bus too, but he was [badonkadonk] this weekend ... he's been solid this season though, probably their best player (not that that's saying much).

RWD: But I guess who else's bandwagon would people be on?

RC: Bingo.

RWD: I notice the Frazee journal doesn't have any updates lately.

RC: No wireless access at The Library, so that probably explains it. [Jeez, there’s got to be other bars on campus!]

RWD: I'm just dying to read what he has to say! [All play and no work makes Jeff a dull boy. All play and no work makes Jeff a dull boy. All play and no work makes Jeff a dull boy.] Did you chat with him at Get Your Memorabilia Signed By The Gophers So You Can Sell It On EBay Day today? [Meaning Skate With the Gophers, where Comic Book Guy-esque doofuses try to ruin it for the children.]

RC: No, I chose not to partake in that event, though I'm sure many [hygienic]-bag "Gopher fans" were there doing exactly what you said.

RWD: Well, it's not like kids actually get to attend Gopher games, since they aren't highly-paid corporate execs.

RC: Having a kid watch a Gopher game this year would be child abuse, so that could explain things too.

RWD: I heard 1-800-UGOPHER was turned into a suicide hotline.

RC: I think that got transformed when Brewster got hired. [As in, Punky?]

RWD: I heard you dyed your hair blonde when the Gophers did.

RC: Actually, DHG spurred that idea. Basically, I wanted people to shut up with the whole “they are all gay for dying their hair” [Oh, I don’t think that’s the reason...]. I mean, if a man's man like me would die his hair, then it's okay for anyone to do it. [Um, it is never OK for Evan Kaufmann to do that EVER AGAIN. YUCK.]

RWD: Well, if the Gophers jumped off a bridge, would you jump off one, too? Because if so, you'd better get on that... [There is a sign above the home locker room at Mariucci that says “Abandon hope all ye who enter here.”]

RC: If this year's team did? No, I'd be happy and thus wouldn't want to join them. [If that wasn’t throwing the guys under the bus, then I don’t know what is.]

RWD: Ouch. You should just become a Bulldogs fan. [YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. Everyone does. All Gopher fans are secretly dying to be Bulldogs fans, even the ones who hide it with their raving Bulldogphobia.] We're more comfortable with losing.

RC: Do I look like a Brooklyn Center firefighter? You guys have won plenty in the recent past ... I mean, you were up 3-1 on Denver in the Frozen Four, so surely ... oh, wait, what's that ... really? Hmmm...

RWD: Hmm... no... maybe Brooklyn Park.., and we've certainly won recently... like FRIDAY NIGHT.

RC: And you'll likely pocket a few W's this upcoming weekend as well.

RWD: I'm sure. [I’m counting on it, boys!] If you were a Fighting Sioux fan, you would say "This is our second half surge! #8 in 08!"

RC: Oh, for sure. And don't forget “The refs are against us;” they tend to say things like that from time to time. And probably make a mention of mustard gas too, just to complete the trifecta.

RWD: Um... they don't say that. [That is OUR joke about THEM. They just wander around muttering "It was WWII memorabilia" and "Golden chokers!"] Although, if you were a Fighting Sioux fan, you'd probably still talk about the Gophers just as much.

RC: They have an obsession with us. It's flattering.

RWD: So answer the big question: are the Badgers or the Sioux your biggest rivals?

RC: Sioux, and it's not close in my mind. [Cue Sioux fans whining about how Minnesota should be their scheduling rivals.]

RWD: Let's talk about this weekend. Who's starting in nets? Long Island Frazee? Captain Kangaroo? Brent "I'm Only Starting To Make A Point" Solei?

RC: Well, we're so good in goal that we have THREE guys who play for us. It will likely be the one you didn't mention, Kangas, in there on both nights.

RWD: He was the second guy I mentioned. [Duh.]

RC: That nickname was a big-time stretch.

RWD: I guess I need to use more overt humor. [Some people just can’t appreciate a subtle wit.] How are the Gophers going to win this weekend?

RC: Poison UMD's pregame meal? If that doesn't work, we're in trouble. Honestly, I think they might be okay, since they've been very poor on big ice this year.

RWD: Well, they're not 0-for-24. What did they do right in the games they won?

RC: Playing on a smaller ice sheet will give them less time to try their fancy crap and more time to just react and go. It's been a long while since a win, but if I recall correctly, they basically need to score three goals. In general, if they've scored three of more goals this year, they've been okay. If they aren't up by two goals or more going into the third period, it's over.

RWD: Weren't they up by 2 goals going into the 3rd on Saturday?

RC: True, but even then they still managed a tie. Also, UMD should take as many penalties as they can, since our PP is terrible.

RWD: Oh, I'm sure that won't be a problem. But nobody's PP is doing that well, it seems.

RC: That's also true, but Lucia power plays have ALWAYS been at least okay ... that's the main reason they're doing bad this year; people can blame Frazee or Kangas or whatever. Bottom line is: [Like FHG when tBeard is around] they can't score.

RWD: Well, when you're playing the trap against Wayne State...

RC: Hey, they swept Northern Michigan this past weekend! They were formidable!!!

RWD: Well, they're trying to go out with a bang [instead of a whimper]. So are there any players you LIKE on the team this year? Any favorites?

RC: Justin Bostrom is a Mounds View grad like myself, so he's a fave; Fairchild has been very good; Carman should add a nice spark [I don’t know if he is evolved enough yet to discover fire] and always hustles; RJ Anderson has improved as well... kind of slim pickings in these parts nowadays.

RWD: And your all-time favorites? Dan Woog?

RC: Well, I try to stick with guys I'm old enough to remember watching, so guys like Crowley, Westrum, both Potulnys [I just barfed more than FHG in GF], and of course Garrett Smaagaard [the vowel-hog]. Tony Lucia >>>> Dan Woog. [Oh, Gopher fans. Using the only math signs they know.]

RWD: Yeah. But Matt Stephenson >>>>> Tony Lucia. [I can do it, too!] I DID see that part of the game on Saturday!

RC: Yeah, I think the Italian in Tony had him bite off a bit more than he could chew [again, I hope it was Longhorn!]... At least he plays with some heart, which can't be said about many on that club.

RWD: Well, it would be some silent family dinners if he didn't. [What do you think goes on at Lucia family dinners? I shudder to think.] I just assumed Tony was brought on board as a spy.

RC: That may have been the initial plan. tDon is smart like a fox, so you never know.

RWD: And good-looking like a hedgehog.

RC: That hair is a thing of beauty...

RWD: One that note, now that the Very Sexy Kyle Okposo is gone [I hope everyone knows I was being sarcastic, but just in case you were confused, HE IS UGGO. The only person who thinks he’s hott is Hirsch’s sister, and she can hardly be judged sane], who is the most attractive Gopher?

RC: I think frequent GPL poster Bert may be more "equipped" to answer a question such as this, but I'm comfortable enough with myself to try to answer this question. I've been told that RJ Anderson is good-looking, and I could see that. You're the expert [I am, yes], what do you think?

RWD: I'm a Wheeler girl, myself.

RC: With long hair or short? Or does that not factor into things?

RWD: Longer. Although I haven't seen it short yet.

RC: Are we still talking about his hair?

RWD: We could be. [I sneaked a quick look at his picture here.] Mm, the short hair, it's just not doing it for me. [GROW IT BACK, BLAKE!]

RC: Hoeffel has long blonde hair, what about him?

RWD: I didn't barf when I looked at his photo. [But he looks like a child, so no.] Let's wrap things up with a weekend prediction.

RC: FHG gets drunk. Bert annoys everyone. And I fall asleep by 11 p.m.

RWD: Did you whip out a crystal ball for those?

RC: Magic 8-Ball to be precise.

RWD: I thought you were shooting for midnight. Outlook Hazy, I guess.

RC: Well, I'm also hoping the Gophers win twice, but that doesn't mean it will happen.

RWD: Well, let's see a score prediction. [I’d like to see the Magic 8 Ball do THAT!]

RC: As for the games, I think Minnesota wins a tight game on Friday night [WRONG WRONG WRONG], and then the Dogs win by two or more on Saturday [DING DING DING!].

RWD: Well, I'll buy you a shot of Yukon Jack at the bar on Friday.

RC: Change my 11 p.m. prediction to 7:45 then.

RWD: I won't be there 'til after the game. [Maybe just the mere thought of some YJ will make him keel over.]

RC: That's unfortunate. [I concur. I know my Dogs will be devastated.]

RWD: I've gotta work late, but my presence was requested in Duluth Friday night anyway.

RC: What a trooper. [Iron Maiden? All right!]

RWD: I can't let my fan down.

RC: I understand completely.

RWD: Well, that's about it, I'm afraid.

RC: I hate goodbyes...

RWD: Well, just think, you'll see me in a few days.

RC: Hooray!

Patience is a virtue, folks.


Bert said...

Cardinal might be under the ice on Lake Superior with some of those shots at people.

MeanEgirl said...

Um... Stu Bickel is the best looking Gopher.

And Cardinal: The kamikazes.. MUCH better choice than the asswater known as "Long Islands" at Grandma's.

That is all. For now, anyway. I will probably chime in later.

Anonymous said...

WHEN THE HELL HAS CARDINAL HAD A LONG ISLAND PITCHER AT THE GARDEN? I call bullshit on that one. I thought this was a Cardinal interview, not a bash FHG interview. Oh well, at least Bert had a couple shots too! Good interview. :) FHG

bert said...

He did have a LI, remember the PA and Dubay show at the Garden.

MeanEgirl said...

Cardinal... I still don't get it. Why the hell did you NOT link RWD on your blog... but yet linked my crappy blog? RWD >>> THB