05 November 2008

The Gauntlet: Climb Ev'ry Mountain Edition

Oh yeah, kiddies, The Gauntlet is back and in your face. The first Gauntlet of the season features USCHO Lifer CO14ers.

RWD: So, how long have you been a DU fan?

CO14ers: I'm told I went to my first DU game when I was two years old. I wasn't throwing chickens on the ice yet, but I've been a fan all my life. Over 40 years.

RWD: God. You're old.
[And she's comin' out swinging!]

CO14ers: I get carbon-dated for age every now and then.

RWD: It's a good thing they don't use dendrochronology.

CO14ers: I guess, don't know that term. I don't know if that's good or bad.

RWD: It's how you age a tree. By counting the rings.
[I learned this from UMDDogz. That’s what big brothers are good for! Along with scratching mosquito bites and recklessly driving jet-skis and ATVs.] It might hurt.

CO14ers: Yeah, carbon-dating is less painful than that.

RWD: How long have you known DG and the Swami?

CO14ers: Actually, not all that long. I met both of them when I went to DU's appearance in the Columbus Frozen Four in 2005.

RWD: Are they... slightly older than you?

CO14ers: Swami is much older and wiser than me. DG and I are about the same age.

RWD: Did you attend DU?

CO14ers: I actually did my undergrad work at the hockey-renowned Arizona State University. I am currently half way through a Masters degree at DU.

RWD: So you were not a Kappa Sig too?

CO14ers: Nope, I was a GDI. Funny how I hang out with frat guys now later in life.

RWD: Do you feel like you know DG pretty well then?

CO14ers: I think so. We've done some fun hockey trips and hang out whenever he comes to town. Although, we all have to show him the proper respect and call him "The Godfather".
[I wonder if he kisses Goddard’s ring. Which is probably platinum and diamonds.]

RWD: So which business is he in? Olive oil or sanitation?

CO14ers: Must be olive oil because he is really slick and his skin glows.

RWD: If you're ever around him and a crate of oranges topples over, run.

CO14ers: Absolutely, but he is pretty slow.

RWD: You could run, though.
[Away from him. Which is what I meant.] Unless you are slow, too.

CO14ers: I'd take him in a 100 yd dash, no problem.

RWD: Swami would be way ahead of you two, though.

CO14ers: Swami is in another league. He'd also use his magic carpet and be timed using a stopwatch while DG and I would be timed with a sun dial.

RWD: What does he look like?

CO14ers: I truthfully don't know if I've really seen Swami or just the visual representations he wants me to see which are often different. I've even tried to photograph him but when I look at the picture, there's always something like a scarf blocking his face.

RWD: He's so sneaky. Have you ever worn a toga to a game?

CO14ers: I personally have not. DG, of course had and another DU fan, Dubbie31 also has. This season I'm creating my own identity by wearing an authentic coonskin cap I had imported from Arkansas.

RWD: Those caps are offensive, as is your mascot. What is the big deal with Boone?

CO14ers: If you ask North Dakota and CC fans, they'd probably say I'm offensive too. Well, many of the longtime fans and alums grew up with Denver Boone as the mascot and associate Boone with the fun times they had at DU. Bring Back Boone!

RWD: Oh yes... ND fans... the USCHO 5.

CO14ers: That was a "discussion" between SiouxInMinny, Dirty, du78, DG, and I about the Geoff Paukovich situation. I got totally hosed in that suspension.
[Hosed? Are you Canadian?] I was innocent.

RWD: Of what were you accused?

CO14ers: Posting offensive graphics, bad language and personal attacks. I just had a bad lawyer.

RWD: You should have gotten Mrs. Swami.

CO14ers: I didn't know she was a lawyer at the time. Unfortunately I went with some stiff who does local ads here named Frank "The Strong Arm" Azar. Bad decision.
[I don't know. Sounds like a good lawyer to me.]

RWD: Denver has a lot of bailbondsmen. I noticed.

CO14ers: Lots of seedy stuff happens here. They are mainly used when the CC and UND fans come to Magness and cause trouble.

RWD: Have you ever seen the movie Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead?

CO14ers: Yeah, but I was drunk and don't remember it too well, if at all.

RWD: I see. I wrote a post semi-based on that movie. And I feel like no one got it. It's all right though. I took a risk.
[Why am I still talking about this? I just need to let it die!] It's a good movie. [It is!]

CO14ers: I'll have to see it sober sometime. I actually don't know many people that have seen it though.

RWD: It has Christopher Walken in it! Jesus!
[Ok, maybe Jesus isn’t in it.] I guess if it's not High School Musical then no one knows what's what.

CO14ers: I like that guy. Kinda creepy, but was in the best SNL skit all time. I need more cowbell!!!

RWD: I wrote a post about more cowbell. It was genius. No one read it. That pretty much sums up every RWD post, though.
[Pity party, table for one?] Except the Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead one. [Ok, enough!]

CO14ers: Wish I had seen that. [And through the magic of the internet, you can!] At the ‘05 Frozen Four, we played the hell out of cowbell. [Because you would be doing yourself, and everyone on the team a disservice if you hadn’t!] I even have a picture of Gwoz with said cowbell. [The cock of the walk, baby!]

RWD: Ooh, Gwoz! Do you think Gwoz voted for McCain?

CO14ers: I would say so, they both dress alike.

RWD: Maybe I got a guess right. Do you remember when we met?

CO14ers: I actually first saw you at Spanky's a couple of years ago, but you were pretty drunk cuz DG kept plying you with alcohol.
[This is what male cougars do to try to get hotties like me.] I remember coming back from the game and someone behind me asked, "Is that CO14ers?" I think that was you.

RWD: That is not what happened. Well, it is. Kind of. YOU said we met at Spanky's, which I was unaware of, because of excessive Coors Lights
[Gross. But the beers came in their own barf bucket.] and Jack/Cokes. [Things were slightly out of hand.]

CO14ers: Well, I was having a few of those myself, but that is my best recollection.

RWD: Here is what I recall: I was walking toward the parking lot.
[Cue romantic piano music] And I saw this guy wearing a DU scarf. [Slo-mo camera effects] And I screamed "THOSE ARE UMD COLORS!!!!" or something. And you were either the person in the scarf or with the scarf person. And you said "That's Runninwiththedogs" and I was all WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

CO14ers: Ahh yes. I was walking with KScant.
[Whoever] I did know that you were RWD though. Who wouldn't?

RWD: Others. Bulldog players.
[I hope.]

CO14ers: I thought you were tight with the boys.

RWD: Er. No. I get tight and then go watch the boys play hockey.

CO14ers: That's kinda my MO as well. LOL.

RWD: But that was very exciting for me. Except for the next morning it was not.
[I lay on the couch and attempted to eat a bagel. It took me an hour to finish.]

CO14ers: Getting tight or making fun of my scarf?

RWD: The entire experience.

CO14ers: We try to make opposing fans who travel to watch the games comfortable, sans UND and CC fans.

RWD: I went back to my cousin's and drank more. BIG MISTAKE. I was supposed to go hang out with Bruce Ciskie.
[The next morning, I mean. Bruce is a grandpa and goes to bed early. Unless he needs to rant excessively about Don Adam.] It did not happen. He called and I didn't even know. So he was stranded at the hotel. [Like I was going to show up at some hotel where the whole team was staying looking like the Bride of Frankenstein and scoping out the nearest trash cans in case of emergency.]

CO14ers: I have not met Bruce yet. I do know the DU radio guy who is an absolute riot. He used to be a character called "The Shagman" who pimped used automobiles on a local TV ad. Totally classic.

RWD: Did he work for John Elway Ford?

CO14ers: Don't think he climbed that far up the used car food chain.

RWD: Speaking of climbing, I hear you're a mountain climber
[and stream forder and rainbow follower]... allegedly.

CO14ers: Well, I have done a ton of mountain climbing, but not recently. One needs to be in good shape to do that and right now I'm pretty frickin' far from that.

RWD: Do you have proof of that? I mean, the mountain climbing, not the out of shapeness.

CO14ers: Well, I could send you some photos of some hero shots I've got of me, but people would say they were photoshopped.
[It is harder than you think to use Photoshop. Which is why I looked like a crazy owl/exorcism recipient in the Han/Leia post. Also, the effort was minimal.]

RWD: People would. Especially people in the olive oil business or who wear scarves over their faces.

CO14ers: I read he didn't do anything to "take my back" on that recently.
[I don’t even understand.] I need to have a talk with him. I bet I could give that big hill a shot.

RWD: Duluth has a big hill. You could climb that. It's no Rocky Mountain.

CO14ers: With my conditioning, it might as well be. Speaking of Duluth, my mom was born and raised there.

RWD: It is tragic that you became a DU fan then. Speaking of that, let's talk about DU.
[Seeing as this is a college hockey blog.]

CO14ers: And her too. Although I think she's still really a Bulldog fan at heart. [As everyone should be.] Let's du, er, do.

RWD: When is your blog coming out?

CO14ers: Geez. I tried to do a website and failed at that. I think we have enough blogs with DG and Swami. They do pretty well I think. No one would read my blog.

RWD: No one reads mine, and yet here we are.

CO14ers: Mine would be known as the worst blog ever.
[Except for that racist guy who wrote about the Gophers.] I hear you had the first WCHA blog. [No, I had the first college hockey blog. Get it right.] Pretty cool. Too bad DG entered the blogging business.

RWD: I did/do. No one knows that. There are really bad blogs out there though. I read a blog that is basically a collection of blogs that had only one post. It is amazing.

CO14ers: Yeah, that CC one sucks.

RWD: It is now defunct.
[I thought that guy was pretty fun when I Gauntletted him!]

CO14ers: Not surprising. I wish their team was.

RWD: People think it's easy.
[Blogging. Not sucking. Which I would know nothing about.] Why does CC suck so much?

CO14ers: There are too many reasons to list. One is Denver is windy so CC sucks. It's just always been that way and always will.

RWD: Who are your favorite DU players? Current and all time.
[Extremely long pause.] So, no one! All right, let's move on!

CO14ers: Wow, there are a lot of those. The ones who I got to actually watch skate would include Dallas Gaume, Aaron McKenzie, Gabe Gauthier, Adam Berkhoel, Peter Mannino, Luke Fulghum, Geoff Paukovich, Adrian Veideman
[that whiny baby who got Mike Curry kicked out of a game for a little love tap on the wrist??] and so many others. We are lucky to have such a great program year in and year out.

RWD: Speaking of Mannino, I have a reader-submitted question. Have you ever gotten anyone a signed Mannino puck or photo?

CO14ers: No, I never have. Would have been easy for me the last four years, but it would be much more difficult now.

RWD: Did someone ever ask you to do that for them?

CO14ers: Hold it. Maybe I have, now that I think of it. I vaguely remember someone asking. Hopefully I came through.

RWD: I don't know. The midget... er... person didn't say.

CO14ers: Oh yes, that is correct. I know this person. I'm sure I came through with it.

RWD: So what current players do you like?

CO14ers: Right now I have to say that Tyler Bozak and our new freshman Luke "The Goal Czar" Salazar are my favorites. Both work hard on the ice and can score, score, score.

RWD: That is such a stupid nickname. I hate it. It's actually on my list of questions.

CO14ers: Blame DG.

RWD: It doesn't even make sense. Like, it would if he was a goalie.

CO14ers: We even nicknamed his sister "The sis Czar."

RWD: I wonder if Dubbie tried to hook up with her. I heard about you guys in Alaska.

CO14ers: You mean Gilligan? Yeah, I went to Alaska with the guy. Still owes me $250.

RWD: Beat him with your hat.

CO14ers: I'll give him credit though; he wore a toga to the games when it was -18 degrees outside.

RWD: Do you know if Brock Trotter has a girlfriend?

CO14ers: Not sure, haven't talked to him since the middle of last season.

RWD: Someone came to my site using that as a search query. I'm here to help. Speaking of girlfriends, is there a Mrs. CO14ers?

CO14ers: There once was, but not right now. Most hockey addicts like me are hopelessly single. I probably need therapy.

RWD: Is that why you attend games with a bald man with a goatee?

CO14ers: LOL. Take companionship wherever you can find it.
[I feel like CO14ers would do ok in prison, then.]

RWD: Why is Rhett Rakhshani such a whiny baby? Is it because he's a home-schooled mama's boy?

CO14ers: Rhett's a stud. You should check out his Facebook stuff. Absolutely brilliant photos.

RWD: Um. I'm not friends with any players on facebook... well, ok, 2, but they're not on DU or UMD. I don't even know that I could see his page. Plus, he is uggo.

CO14ers: I guess you never saw his guitar hero pic.
[Was there a bag over his head? Preferably a plastic one?] Quite funny.

RWD: Not as funny as my Tougher in Alaska spread. Which no one read.

CO14ers: I'll have to go read that myself.
[If a blogger posts on the internet and no one reads it, does it make anyone laugh. Here.]

RWD: Who is the hottest Pioneer? I'll give you a hint who it's not. RHETT RAKHSHANI.

CO14ers: I think Ruegsegger probably does alright with the ladies.

RWD: Mmmmm, tasty. He's too nice for me though.
[I like the bad boys.] MEg likes Tom May. [And Tom May likes ice cream.]

CO14ers: Tom May looked like Jesus for most of the season. [Yeah. Like you know what Jesus looks like. You don't even know what the Swami looks like!] MEg's weird. Maybe you'd like Bozak. He looks more rugged.

RWD: Hm. Let me inspect him.
[I started looking for his roster pic.] MEg is hot for Gwoz.

CO14ers: Like I said, she's weird sometimes.
[Understatement of the century!]

RWD: I'm more of a Jamie Russell gal myself.

CO14ers: She must like pink ties on a guy.

RWD: Oh.
[Found the roster pic!] Hello there, Tyler Bozak. [Grow a little scruff on your face and come to Mama!] MEg has him in fantasy hockey. She should probably sit him this weekend.

CO14ers: Like I said, MEg is a genius sometimes.
[Was that ever said?]

RWD: She has Stalock, too.

CO14ers: I think she will be just fine this weekend. I'd sit Al if I had both.

RWD: Well. She only has one goalie. Some jerk in her league took like 6 goalies.

CO14ers: That's quite a few goalies to have on a roster. Good trade bait though.

RWD: Yeah but if you're that much of a jerk who would trade with you? What should we expect from the Pioneers this weekend?

CO14ers: I think the Pioneers will be very hungry this weekend after only getting one point last weekend while really outplaying the #1 team in the nation. I think you can expect to see a high powered offense that transitions well and a lot of pucks on Al. Conversely, our still developing defense and young goaltender provide a challenge for us against a to-date great UMD offense.

RWD: What do you expect from tUMD this weekend?

CO14ers: I think they might have a bit of trouble on Friday adjusting to an offense that is faster and more skilled than they've seen yet this year. I also expect them to give DU troubles as they go on offense. I don't expect low scoring games in this series.

RWD: Hey, UAA are speed demons.

CO14ers: Yeah, as fast as DG on skates.

RWD: That must be amazing.

CO14ers: I'd pay good money to see it!

RWD: Is DU going all the way this year?

CO14ers: I think they have the offense to do it. However, unless our goaltending improves, I don't see it happening. However, Cheverie has the potential to be a great goalie and if he steadily improves his game, anything is possible.

RWD: Good thing you guys went all the way last year, since the Frozen Four was in Denver. Oh... wait...

CO14ers: That was disappointing. Didn't help playing a Wisco team with a grudge against us on their home ice in the regional. We were all disappointed as we were the year we didn't even make the regional that was hosted at Pepsi Center in Denver. Can't remember who knocked us out of the WCHA Final 5 and caused our ultimate demise though.

RWD: Some hotties. You guys kind of CCd it.

CO14ers: We did Ceremoniously Choke that year.

RWD: Do you have a weekend prediction?

CO14ers: Yeah, I have a prediction. DU Sweeps. 6-4 Friday. 5-3 Saturday.

RWD: It's nice that they clean up the arena after the Dogs beat them. Do you think they could trade in for a Swiffer?

CO14ers: LOL. I'm not sure how good the Dogs are yet. We'll know more after this weekend. Or maybe not after the DU sweep.

RWD: We're not talking about curling here.

CO14ers: We are good at that though too.

RWD: I am sure we are better. Did you know that curling was a high school sport in Minnesota?

CO14ers: I did not know that. But did you know we have a new dedicated curling rink only 5 miles from the DU campus? CO14ers in the Olympics in 2010.

RWD: What kind of name is CO14ers anyway?

CO14ers: Stands for Colorado 14ers, the 54 mountains over 14,000 feet in Colorado.

RWD: I see. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
[Boring name.] Dirty should be ND1ers.

CO14ers: I think that would fit for many reasons.

RWD: For the one tree.

CO14ers: One tree, the 100 foot hill, his IQ, etc.

RWD: You don't seem to like UND fans.

CO14ers: I have actually met a few cool ones in person, but a few good apples don't save the spoiled bunch.

RWD: Do you like UND fans better than CC fans?

CO14ers: That's like asking me if I'd prefer colon cancer or pancreatic cancer.

RWD: Are you and Randy May BFFs?

CO14ers: I actually ran into the infamous Randie down at World Arena last Sunday. No, not BFFs, but I don't think we want to kill each other anymore. Plus, you gotta respect a guy who owns a pawn shop.

RWD: I don't know that I do.

CO14ers: I hear it's reputable from some CC fans for whatever that's worth.

RWD: What about St. Cloud fans?

CO14ers: They are a blast. After "The Rock"'s hattrick up there last year, I threw my hat on the ice and had the student section chanting [sphincter] at me, the arena booed and their mascot Blizzard stood behind me with his arms crossed shaking his head. Classic! Oh yeah, we won 3-2 and the bus back to our car left without us.

RWD: I feel so torn. I mean, on the one hand, St. Cloud fans were enraged. On the other hand, the uggo was the one who got the hat trick.

CO14ers: It was just funny either way. Beautiful hattrick!

RWD: St. Cloud fans. If you can't get into college, go to state. If you can't get into CC, go to DU?

CO14ers: If you can't get into DU, go to CC. Or Duluth in the case of Brett Hull.

RWD: People have actually been turned away from tUMD for academics. Actually one guy ended up on the Gophers.
[Yeah General College!]

CO14ers: Murray Armstrong had Brett Hull all set to play for DU, but DU the school wouldn't admit him academically. Hmmmm.

RWD: Any last words before I go slave away editing this mofo?
[This thing is a behemoth. Dirty will whine.]

CO14ers: Not really except to add that I still think there is a friendly bond between DU and tUMD fans, especially after Gwoz brought the boys over to support Junior Lessard win the Hobey after the tUMD team went home (for some reason). [This grammar is Rob Green-esque.] Pretty friendly banter between the fans on USCHO.

RWD: That Swami though. He's always so rude and mean. Just running his mouth off.

CO14ers: That's just how he rolls sometimes. Like God getting pissed at Moses and his peeps. He does that sometimes.

RWD: I expect the rivers to run red and the locusts to invade, then.

CO14ers: Swami can part the tUMD defense for our offense if he wants to. He just doesn't really go there unless absolutely necessary -- Like Maine not being able to score on a 6 on 3 for well over a minute. Times like that Swami is there.

RWD: I feel like an unfortunate accident might need to befall him. Especially since he did not give me any dirt on you.

CO14ers: The universe is his and his alone to control.

9 comments:

Donald Dunlop said...

In Alaska mountains under 15,000ft dont even have a name.

dggoddard said...

Donald,

They should rename UAA the 14ers, as in lucky to get 14 wins a season. :-)

Dirty said...

My IQ is at least double that. Thank You very much. And if I had to choose, I'd want CO14ers to have pancreatic cancer. It's more painful.

Donald Dunlop said...

Damien,
Ahh Ha .. ha ha .. ha ....... ha .................... sigh

MeanEgirl said...

Dear CO14ers: Where is my Manno stuff?! You should have it ready for me when I go to Denver this year.

And -

Go BOZAK! Score lots of goals!

Sorry RWD, but Bozak can get me more points in one night than Stalock can get me in a month.

I miss Tommy May. :(

My word verification: unditess. It's like... undies except with a couple extra letters... UNDites... hm.

Donald Dunlop said...

unditess --- it sounds like a phonetic spelling of unditis which happens to be the name for the specific airborne "cooties" that UND fans spread malaciously.

kscant said...

are you trying to insinuate something with the "bald and goatee" comment!?!?!
Next time you're in town I'll show you what a real man is all about!!
ha

Kscant

Puck Swami said...

Quality as always, RWD.

Loved every word.

UMDDogz said...

Reckless? Never... All those crashes were on purpose!