No One Here Gets Out Alive

tUMD 5, Hussies 1. Five to one, baby, one to five.

Oh my my my my my my my my my my. What a day. What a day for tUMD sports!!! First, though I don't follow tUMD football at all, I do have to mention tUMD's D2 playoff win over some school I've never heard of that is apparently good in football but not good enough for D1. HOORAY!!!! And the women won in their game too. So double yay!

I know I got all giddy and gleeful about the Sioux fans and their tears and rants, but it's even MORE fun when the St. Cloud fans get upset. See, Sioux fans hate losing; St. Cloud fans hate losing to tUMD. It gets them all extra mad, and then they try to say they are playing like crap BUT tUMD is also playing like crap and somehow we were just ever so slightly less crappy than they were IN THIS PARTICULAR GAME which is why we managed to squeak out a win, but overall St. Cloud is superior. This is a very logical line of thinking. I can completely follow what they're saying.

Not.

(UMDDogz went through this period in which, whenever he disagreed with something anyone said, he would say "NOT!" It used to grind my gears like no other; it was right up there with "breathing on me," "being on my side of the car," and "getting a bigger piece than me." I led an awful, awful life.)

This was a GREAT game for tUMD. Yes, St. Cloud played very poorly, but tUMD also refused to let them get anything going. MEg got 11 points in her fantasy league based on this one game. We've outscored St. Cloud 10-2 in this "series" and though some people commented that splitting the series might have given us a disadvantage because after St. Cloud played us, they swept powerhouse Robert Morris and some little team from the Rocky Mountains, and they put up a tUMD Touchdown* against UW on their way to a split. So I was very pleased with the result. I was happy when it was 1-0, and unhappy when it was 1-1, but once it was 2-1 I thought okay, we'll win. But I wanted something a little more showy. It's like when you're playing Mortal Kombat, and you get to the end and it's all "FINISH HIM!!!!" and you forget to press UP UP B B LEFT A START to do one of your super special moves, so you just end up giving them a lame punch or something and they fall over dead. Not NEARLY as satisfying as employing some secret code embedded by some meth-addicted programmer and tracked down in some magazine for Dirty losers, so I could see Scorpion (I always played as him or Sub-Zero) eat the head off of his opponent. I was a bloodthirsty little beast. And then suddenly it was 3-1, 4-1, and magically 5-1, and my bloodlust was quenched. For now.

I was really sad that I had to work today and couldn't go up to Duluth for the game. We need to get some snow up in here or I'm going to go crazy. But it all worked out nicely, because the game was televised and THEY INTERVIEWED MY JACKY!!! EXCITING!!! They interviewed his parents, too, during the 2nd intermission, but I didn't watch that because we watched a wee bit of the Wild game and listened to Nielsen talk about the football game. I have three beefs with the interviews: first of all, in the pre-recorded interview segments they have with their feature player of the week, they are always playing this weird sad music that sounds like the Native American flute music on sale at the center court of Southdale during the holidays. It serves a purpose, yes, but this is an interview with a hockey player. I would have preferred a little more bow chicka bow-wow. Additionally, they sneak in these little teaser segments during the game and they totally cover up the game WHILE IT IS OCCURRING. This happened once when St. Cloud was in our zone (yes, they were a few times) and I stressed. Finally, the chick that interviews the guys between periods needs some SERIOUS help with her questions, and also needs to think of them BEFORE the camera is on her. She said something to Justin Fontaine about Thanksgiving. He is from CANADIA! Their Thanksgiving is in OCTOBER! But I do enjoy watching the games on TV and I like the player interviews, so keep them coming; just plan a little better, Emily. If that is your name. I'm here to help.

Little snippet of annoyance: Drew. Your name is LeBlanc. This is U.S. America. Pronounce it LeBlonk and be done with it. LeBlahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahhahhaahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh is really annoying.

Let's talk about the game, shall we? (Excuse me while I hang up my suit coat, zip up a cardigan, and lace up my stiff blue sneakers.)

1st Period

I stressed a lot for awhile. There wasn't much established on either side, which was good because we weren't getting dominated or anything, but bad because we weren't playing our own game yet. Foppish Dandy Oliver Lauridsen (isn't that the name of Ryan O'Neal's character in Love Story?), who we will now call Preppie for all eternity, landed his preppy behind in the penalty box for wearing a color other than white on the tennis court. 14 seconds later, Justin Fontaine wham-bam-thank-you-ma'amed a goal and we were 1 for 1 on the power play. That was tUMD's only power play of the game. I was somewhat depressed when St. Cloud actually scored a power play goal. I think they were confused about what happened. It was a somewhat foreign concept for them, at least in league play, as I previously discussed. The thing I like about split PKs is the team can focus their efforts a bit more, and they also don't have to worry about getting tired. I was disappointed we couldn't take advantage of that. The goal was a bit funky, but they all count the same.

2nd Period

Jacky to Justin to Jordy. Boom. 2-1. I wasn't sure about this line at first but I think they are really going to take off. Jordy's ready to break out.

3rd Period

Gergy got tripped by stupid Garrett Raboin, he of the horrible 80s first name and weird bothersome last name, and then decided he wanted a little time-out as well and went after Raboin, nullifying the power play we were about to receive. Not to worry. Mike Connolly is going to be posting Jase Weslosky's jock strap on E-bay tonight, because his goal to put tUMD up 3-1 made it look like I was in net. Except Jase was maybe somewhat paying attention, and I'm not really capable of that.

Justin to Jacky to Jordy. Boom. 4-1. Love it.

Gergy took a penalty with under a minute to go when he just crushed Preppy McPrepstein. Preppy-poo took offense to getting his perfectly coifed hair messed up and his tennis arm bumped, and Sheriff Andrew Carroll had to take care of biznass. We ended up on the PK, but I pressed UP UP B B LEFT A START and after a turnover Kyle Schmidt scored a shorthanded goal to FINISH THEM!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then Roe decided to get pissy and Huttel went crazy and they were both kicked out of the game. Well, Garrett, I'd be pissy too if I was -3 for the night and my little boyfriend (Lasch) was -4.

Where's Mitch Ryan when you need him?


The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season's total: 6! (W00000t!)
Points until we equal last season's total: 14! (Ultra W00000t!)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 16!
Jack Connolly: 11! (Eeee! What a great game!!!)
Michael Gergen: 6 (Great chances, and also laid out some violent hits!)
Rob Bordson: 0 (AGAIN had a great game, it's just a matter of time Robbio!)

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 12!
Jack Connolly: 11!
David Grun: 0
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0

On Notice:
Drew Akins (DREW!!! YOU ARE GOING TO SCORE AGAINST CC!! GOT IT???)
Rob Bordson
Andrew Carroll
Jay Cascalenda
Matt Greer
Mike Montgomery
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Jack Connolly
Cody Danberg
Nick Kemp
Evan Oberg
Trent Palm

*a tUMD Touchdown is only 6 points. So named because tUMD had 2 extra points blocked today.