The Gauntlet: Rube Edition

Yes, yes, finally, I'm done, whatever. Blah. Here's this week's gauntlet with Gopher Uber-Rube (that's an anagram!) Brenthoven.

RWD: So, I hear the Gophers are BACK!!!!!!!!! [This was Brent’s status after the Gophers swept UMass. They’re 3-6-3. Quite the, um, formidable opponent.]

Brent Hoven: They're lurking, waiting to pounce.

RWD: No, I heard they were BACK!!!!!! You said so yourself. [There’s no turning back! Once it’s on Facebook, it’s forever!]

BH: That night they were. They slaughtered their prey. Now they wait... possibly in a couple days' time they will pounce again.

RWD: Maybe if they're allowed to ride scooters. [Yeah Budish!]

BH: Only if they are on their way to a doctor's appt for mono. [Holla Bjugstad!]

RWD: They should stop kissing each other. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but they're spreading germs. [Really, guys, save it for the off-season.]

BH: We're just too in love with ourselves. We have no equal. [We?]

RWD: I think Sacred Heart might be your equal.

BH: Stop messing around. They don't even have a team. [They do, barely.]

RWD: Well, then, Holy Cross.

BH: Alms for the poor, that is what that was. Kind of fitting, given the school and all.

RWD: I'm sure that is how you felt. [The Gophers have been very charitable of late, then.]

BH: Actually, I felt nothing. I fell into a deep coma, and woke up the next season. It was rather serene.

RWD: Did you feel that way last Saturday night? [When the Gophers were swept by Mankato State!]

BH: Close. The infamous Mankato Meltdown scale was talked about, but it never really topped 3. [Is it on a scale of 0-3? Brent thinks people know about these things he makes up, but really only the voices in his head know.]

RWD: Did you go to the games? [Rhetorical question.]

BH: I choose to spend my money wisely. I choose to not rub elbows with the corpies. It's a terrible thing happening to Mariucci [we’re talking about Mankato, right?], and other schools are now also falling into that trap. tDECC will soon succumb with their snappy new arena, too. Just watch.

RWD: Oh, yeah, that Mankato Civic Center. So corporate. [I asked if he went to the games last weekend! Not any games ever! Although the answer is still no.]

BH: Mankato is another school where I'm surprised they still have a team. And you're saying tDogs are the same as Mankato? [This is like talking to Biddco. Or a brick wall.]

RWD: No. [Good gravy, he is not smart.] I'm saying I asked you if you went to the games, you started whining about corporate sell-outs, and I pointed out THE GAME WAS IN MANKATO.

BH: So? I seguewayed [A chill went down my spine at this horrible spelling error] a bit.

RWD: Segued.

BH: Fine, Little Miss Journalism.

RWD: That's Ms.

BH: Ok Gloria Steinem. [Is that supposed to be an insult? It’s not!]

RWD: I don't understand why you wouldn't want to attend hockey games. You could still go, with a bag over your head. [Sort of Charlie Brown-like. They’re both bald!]

BH: That would be showing shame. That is unacceptable. I'm not a Techie.

RWD: Brent, it's pride comes before a fall, not after.

BH: Pride is always there. It's how you view it, and display it. [Hm, yes, the Gophers displayed a lot of pride losing to… oh, everyone.]

RWD: Okay then. Does MNS also have pride in the Gophers?

BH: MNS needs to come out of the closet and admit he's a Gopher fan first. [Two separate events?]

RWD: Very true. Why someone would travel to Houghton to see the Gophers play when their alleged own team is clinching the MacNaughton is beyond comprehension.

BH: It is. I think he was after one of the legendary Tech 5s.

RWD: Tech 5s?

BH: The Scale of Hotness (for females) is adjusted for the MTU student body. For example, if a female from MN is rated a "3" here, she would rate a "5" at MTU. This is due to the lack of females at the school. [Oh. Another stupid scale that no one but Brent knows about.]

RWD: Okay. So it was even more of a delusional trip than I originally thought! [Like MNS could get a “Tech 5.” Or a “Tech 1.” Or even a “Tech –i”]

BH: It's the UP. It's like one big bad acid trip. [I would never describe it that way. This is an acid trip.]

RWD: I see. Well, enough about MNS. Geist is your best friend. Does that make you want to commit suicide?

BH: He makes me feel good about being me. Not only is he a lowly Sioux fan, but he's a loud obnoxious faux-violent [He is faux-violent! He's always talking about hammer-punching people but has never actually thrown a hammer-punch.] man. I'm an angel compared to him. [The Angel of Death, perhaps.]

RWD: Aha, I see. How Mean Girl of you.

BH: Interesting viewpoint on your part.

RWD: Why do you call yourself the Rube?

BH: It was a fitting name bestowed upon me by my friends. It just kind of caught on, like most other nicknames. So I ran with it. [This is a terrible, failing explanation.]

RWD: Why do you refer to yourself in the third person when you tag yourself in Facebook photos? [He always says things like "The Rube and friends." Well, he doesn't have any friends, that was just an example.]

BH: I thought we covered this. I'm a Gopher fan, and therefore arrogant.

RWD: Like Roman Augustovitz. [Chuck's pet peeve is Roman's habit of tweeting and referring to himself as "Eye." Maybe he just doesn't know how to spell "I."]

BH: Or Herschel Walker.

RWD: We're talking about hockey here. Are you going to the games this weekend? [Rhetorical question.]

BH: I am not. I can never make the Fri games on time, and on Sat I will be celebrating a friend's birthday (although I will be watching). [He has more excuses than Don Lucia.]

RWD: You can't make the Friday game? Is that because you are a forklift jockey?

BH: That would be correct. I refuse to be the jackbag who shows up in the middle of the second period to take my seat.

RWD: You wouldn't have a seat.

BH: If I had a ticket, I'd have a seat somewhere.

RWD: Forklift jockeys can only have standing room only.

BH: That's odd. I've never had SRO. I think someone could sell you a bridge in SF [Sioux Falls?] with your thinking. [They don't take checks, Brent.] Or a tUMD National Title.

RWD: Why would I buy one when we're mere months from coming by one honestly?

BH: Ah, the hope of youth. So eternal, so foolish.

RWD: Better than being old and a top candidate for the Bosley Hair Restoration System.

BH: Depends on who you ask.

RWD: No. It doesn't.

BH: Sure it does. If you're asking me, I'm proud of myself. If you ask someone else, that answer will differ. They probably wouldn't be proud of me. So it does indeed depend on who you ask.

RWD: Good lord. Is this an after school special?

BH: Only if we can get some gold stars.

RWD: Are you going to drink Kangas Kool-Aid or Patterson Punch this weekend?

BH: I think I'm gonna switch it up. KK one night, and PP on the other.

RWD: PP, huh? [Well, it is sterile. Like Brent, we can only hope.]

BH: The PP, yes. Something that both teams have trouble with. tUMD can't stop one from what I hear, [only late in games] and MN has been in a slump with theirs.

RWD: I wouldn't worry. We get shorthanded goals.

BH: And love OT.

RWD: We get it done in regulation, too.

BH: As seen by your record, sure.

RWD: You really cheer for some terrible teams. I mean, besides the Gophers, there's the Devils and the Bills. Do you have a mental illness?

BH: Well, the Devils are in a bad way right now, but it's hard to argue they haven't been successful in the last 15 years (3 titles). The Bills? They're just the Vikings with less mob mentality fans. [This is a reason to cheer for a team?]

RWD: Why would anyone choose to be a Bills fan? Are you also a fan of the LA Clippers?

BH: A. Grew up watching the great Jim Kelly strive and survive. Hard-working Irishman. And there were others there that I admired for their dedication and heart. B. Bouncyball is terrible. The team game is pretty much gone. When the Celtic's Big Three (+ One) retired, I was done with the sport.

RWD: I see. If you like players with dedication and heart, why would you watch Gopher hockey?

BH: They have heart. Sometimes you may not see it, but they have it. There are always a few bad apples on every team, sure, but you have to look at the big picture.

RWD: Oh, that's even better. Players that have heart but choose not to use it. Better make John Hill the head coach.

BH: Nice spin, Doc. Sometimes a fan sees the tree, and not the forest. [What are you, Mr. Miyagi? A tree? Well, I'd call Helgeson a traffic cone, but ok, we'll go with tree.] Sometimes a player who seems to not have heart, is just being bested by superior player. And fire Hill.

RWD: There will be much besting of the Gophers by superior players this weekend.

BH: I thought tUMD was in Duluth, and not that dirty town to the east?

RWD: Lowercase "s."

BH: Figured you typo'd. [Never!]

RWD: No. Who are your favorite players on this Gopher, um, "team?"

BH: I like Cepis a lot, even though he's been quiet lately. Obviously a big fan of Kangas Khan and St. Pat. I do have high hopes for Serratore, he's shown some sparks.

RWD: The name Cepis is so gross. It sounds like a disease.

BH: Then refer to him as Cap'n Chirp.

RWD: [This gets confusion because I read it as "they" not "then."] No they don't, it's Papa Chirp, which is so stupid. They should call him the Dive Captain. [Like a submarine. Because their ship is going down!]

BH: I didn't say they referred to him as Cap'n Chirp. I say you should refer to him as such. [Okay, Such.] And I have to admit he embellishes. He's no Robbie Earl though. [Because Robbie Earl at least had a future in professional hockey.] Not even close. He's not a big guy. Doesn't take much to knock him down. [Oh, he's a gigantic wimp.]

RWD: I thought it was a typo.

BH: No.

RWD: I see. I will refer to him as Sepsis. Or Septic Tank. Or Seepage.

BH: You can go right ahead. [I don't need your permission, Brent.]

RWD: Or also "That kid who just got flattened by Dan DeLisle/Dylan Olsen/Brady Lamb/Mike Connolly/his own teammates/me."

BH: Olsen only valid on what, Sat?

RWD: Friday.

BH: Ok, knew it was only one day.

RWD: Why would it be Saturday only? That makes no sense.

BH: I have no idea. Why is it only one night to begin with?

RWD: We aren't the Hostile and Abusives. He didn't throw a lawn mower or get a DUI. He is going to the Team Canada tryouts.

BH: Ah. I usually don't delve into the series at hand until Wed night at the very earliest. Usually it's Thu night. [Apparently Brent doesn't have the time to type out whole days.]

RWD: Well the WJCs are a big deal.

BH: Yep. It tires the Gophers out every year. That's a lot of games and travel added to the schedule.

RWD: Hm, funny. It only tires the Gophers out.

BH: It's darn tough to be this good. It wears one down.

RWD: No worries this year. You'll have, what, one guy gone? Haula?

BH: Sure? I don't worry about it too much. Nothing one can do about it, so I just sit back and see what happens.

RWD: No one else is good enough. [Bjugstad will not make it.]

BH: According to the stats, anyways.

RWD: According to the stats, the scouts, the coaches, the media, the public... Who are some of your all-time favorite Gophers?

BH: Tony Lucia was great. Not a stat guy, he wasn't that good, but he hustled every friggin' play. Never quit. I liked to watch Vanek play, he was a true skill guy, and for some reason, I liked DeMarchi. Hard-nosed guy.

RWD: Tony. Lucia. [I don't even know what to say.]

BH: I had my doubts, too, being Coach's boy and all. He worked. He worked hard.

RWD: He's probably a forklift driver now too.

BH: We could use people like him.

RWD: No one works hard at your work?

BH: There are some that don't. [Like Brent.] I'll leave it at that. [Yeah, you don't want word to get around that you're a slacker.] I would think it's pretty common no matter where you go.

RWD: I see. Or maybe just wherever you work.

BH: It's not Phillips neighborhood, that's for sure. [Blah. Never mind on that.]

RWD: Indeed. So, who's the hottest Gopher?

BH: Me. Oh, Gopher player? I don't have an opinion on that. You should ask a colleague of mine, known as Dancing Girl.

RWD: No. I'm asking you.

BH: Then I don't have an opinion. Although Cepis looks like Spicoli (I believe LaPanta noticed that one; it might have been Chorske).

RWD: Cepis looks like someone drove a forklift over his face.

BH: It wasn't me. I'm a great driver.

RWD: Yeah right. You're the "what not to do" guy in the safety videos.

BH: I wish I was. That looks like fun.

RWD: Anyway, who is the hottest Gopher? [Brick wall!]

BH: I have no opinion. You don't read too well, do you? Must be that tUMD edumacation.

RWD: I went to Illinois and Augsburg, genius.

BH: Well, it'd be nice to know that. And that's even worse. Augsburg is supposed to be a good school. For shame.

RWD: It's on Facebook, ass. Unlike you, I don't PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE ELSE. [Brent Hoven is not his real name!]

BH: I don't care enough to know every detail about you. And outside of work, everyone calls me by my "name." Even family.

RWD: Weird. Probably because your family likes to pretend you're not really related. [Ah yes, that makes sense.]

BH: Or they want to be part of something great. [What?]

RWD: Like tUMD's season this year. [Yes!]

BH: They'll fail. Like every other run. But I bet they get that Hobey again! Woohoo! [There isn't a Gopher player even sniffing a Hobey Baker and we've got three legit contenders.]

RWD: So who will be the Gopher coaches next year? Other than Hill as head coach.

BH: My miracle wish list would be one of the Serratores. [Well, you've already got one. Player-coach?] Blais is NOT going to be here, I don't care about the urban legends concerning the secret contract clause. I'd like to see MN go all out and get Blasi. [That's Enrico Blasi, aka Mr. Bean, not a typo.] If not, then Jeff Johnson [Possible forklift jockey?], but he's going nowhere. After that? There's some rumors I've come across, but nothing to take heed over as of right now.

RWD: Jeff Johnson?

BH: Jackson, sorry. Mistype. Trying to multi-task.

RWD: Well, since you're too good for this blog, why don't you wrap it up with a few thoughts. How will the Gophers win this weekend?

BH: I enjoy the candor in The Gauntlet. It's not stuffy. [This is Goonesque.] And the Gophers will win by scoring more goals than tUMD in the game, silly. However futile, good luck to tDogs, and Ski-U-Mah! Thanks for selecting me for your sacrificial lamb.

RWD: Blah, that's not the answer. I was looking for, you know, strategery.

BH: Uh, we'll give 110% [No], take what they give us [Yes], hit hard on the forecheck [No], block some shots when they become aggressive [No]. We can't let our goalie hang out to dry [You will]. They're a good team, and they'll bring everything they've got. We'll just have to take it a shift at a time, and leave it all on the ice [Translation: Gophers will pee themselves in fear.]

RWD: And how will they lose?

BH: By not doing those things I mentioned.

RWD: Did Maturi hire Jerry Kill as a coach or as a mascot?

BH: Hired him as a sideshow.It's MN Football. I don't care.

RWD: He looks a lot like Goldy.

BH: He looks like a child molester.

RWD: So does Goldy.

BH: That would be Bucky Beaver from BSU. A cross between Bucky Badger and Goldy. He's hideous.

RWD: I did see him when I was at their sad little rink in October.

BH: You saw the old one? Yeah, it's bad.

RWD: No, I meant the new one.

BH: Robbinsdale Cooper had a better arena! [The bagel throwers!] Oh, the new one. Better or worse than say, NMU or MTU? Or is it better than NCC (personal hatred aside)?

RWD: Never been to the Berry. [Bah! I'm letting him derail me!]

BH: Berry is a pole barn. With ice. No rise to the seats. Terrible.

RWD: This conversation is irrelevant. Give a score prediction and get this thing over with.

BH: Hm... 3-2 MN OT Fri. [Since he didn't say which campus, I'll assume he meant Duluth.] 5-3 MN Sat. [Again, assume he meant Duluth.] Wait, make that 5-4 MN Sat. [No.]

RWD: Enjoy seeing your dreams crushed. Got an F hockey text all worked out? [Inside joke. Lots of naughty words used.]

BH: I expect to be dancing on my coffee table. [Gross.] And the F Hockey texts just come naturally. You can't force them.

RWD: The Gophers will make sure of it.