Hell Hath No Fury

This story features THE GREATEST LIE EVER TOLD. See if you can spot it!

I'm really angry. A lot. I don't know if it's obvious to you. I guess if you can't tell, there's probably something wrong with you. I get mad about a lot of stuff. In college, I screamed at my roommate once when I was watching the Twins play and they were losing to the White Sox and she said "Ha ha!" I also punched a door after tUMD lost the Frozen Four game. I was really mad about the Vikings too, and Dirty said he wasn't upset about it because he expected it, and I Internet-yelled "DO YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?"

I can't help it. It's genetic. I have eaten COD soaked in LYE. I will eat you for breakfast.

I'm pretty sure I'm in some sort of upper echelon of rage-filled individuals. Sort of a reverse-Twinkie. I wanted to check, though, so I asked the elite of college hockey how they felt. Some people, like Bruce Ciskie, did not want go on record with their rage. Don't worry, Bruce. You do that all by yourself EVERY WEEKEND. Some people, like Goddard, were too lame to even acknowledge my email! However, Goddard is in some sort of blood feud with Mike Chambers so he has probably gone to the mattresses.

Who are these elite individuals?
Badger Backer, former author of The Wisconsin Hockey Blog (UW, "Also, I shamelessly say the Minnesota Wild only if they are good.")
Biddco, tUMD student and banana (tUMD, and some other non hockey-sports he erroneously listed)
Donna Carpenter, (that's me, you idiots!) (tUMD, Wild, Les Habitants)
Dirty, Dirty's Diatribe (UND)
Donald Dunlop, UAA Hockey Fan Blog (UAA, "Pronounced 2010 WCHA Final Five Champions.")
Brandon, Sioux Yeah Yeah! (UND, Air Force, Wild)
Goon, Goon's World (UND, Bruins, Wild)
Ryan Lambert, The Two-Line Pass (Calgary, UMass-Lowell)
MeanEgirl, who did not want to be affiliated with her blog (Detroilet, Michigan Tech, UAA, "maybe another team in Duluth.")
Roy Mahlberg, Wild Puck Banter (Wild, "2010 NCAA Champion Bulldogs")
Theresa Spisak, USCHO Columnist (BU, Air Force, the WCHA, Avs, Kamloops Blazers)
Jeremy Waschek, Minny View (tUMD, Wild)
Joe Yerdon, Gross Misconduct Hockey (RPI, Oswego State, Detroilet "I know... 'Booooo!' Whatever, eat me.")

First, since I'm concerned with scientific methods, I took a baseline assessment of everyone involved. This will tell how angry a person is in general. I mean, if someone says they would describe their hockey rage as a 400, it's not very telling. I mean, what if they are a 399 on average? Or a 2? Exactly. I used a scale of 1 to infinity, because I don't want to be limiting. So, to start off with, I am about a 7000. On a scale of 1 to 10, that's probably a 7. At hockey games, I'm probably an 8000 unless we are winning by about 5 goals. Ryan said he was a 6.5, and is the anomaly of the group as he is actually a 0 or 1 at hockey games, which is a huge swing from 6.5. I don't know if this is possible, although he did say the angriest he'd been at a game is infinity. That's my answer too. More on that later. Dirty said he's a 4, and at games he's a 5, with the angriest being a 15. MEg pointed out that, mathematically speaking, if the end of the scale is infinity, any number might as well be 0. She said 2 or 4, and at games she is numbed into a 1. That's very sad. She said she's been as angry as 85/100 at a game. Goon stated he was between a 2 and a 3, unless driving, politics, or Brad Childress was involved. For hockey games, he said a 5, getting all the way up to a 10+. Roy is a calm fella, clocking in at 1.5 on a regular basis with 3 at hockey games, and an unlucky 13 as his cap. Joe is a 5 normally, gave no numerical answer for his hockey game rage, but did say he maxed out at infinity. Donald used many significant figures in his answers; he's a 2.3333 on average, dips down to at 2.0015 at hockey games, and reaches an apex of 2.49. Geist did not provide a numerical answer for his baseline assessment, but did place it "somewhere between angry and uncontrolled rhino rage," so you can just imagine that. He's a 3/10 at games (which hardly seems possible) but has made it all the way up to "infant throwing." Theresa is at about a 2000 (not sure how that compares to rhino rage), zooms down to a 10 at games as she works for a "neutral publication," but tops the charts as our angriest person at infinity plus one! Badger Backer is a 5 (which makes sense, considering his profession), rises to an 8 at hockey games, and has been known to reach 1000. Biddco is a 3, then a 2, then explodes to infinity when things get really bad. And finally, Jeremy did not give ANY numerical answers. Seriously, people. READ THE DIRECTIONS.

The angriest I've ever been at a hockey game was at the MN High School State Tournament. My high school was playing in... either the 3rd place game or the semi-finals. I don't remember which game it was. (This was 12 years ago.) A goal was disallowed. I had to be forcibly restrained by my friend. Who is 6'7". And two other dudes, too.

Rather than attempt another insanely long paragraph, let's go to direct quotations for everyone else's Angriest Moments in Hockey History.

Ryan
"You will note above that I am a Lowell supporter and alumnus, and as such once attended a little game called the 2009 Hockey East Championship game. You can look that up on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnibxyJAu8w). I don't want to get too far into it because it's the only hockey event that still makes me upset to this day, so I'll say it was so obviously a goal as to not even be questioned and that the league negligently mishandled the situation during the game and immediately after it, and leave it at that. You cannot believe how badly I reacted to this."

Dirty
"Don Adam decided breaking a guy's neck was A-OK."

MeanEgirl
"UND 'scored' a goal that never really happened... and everyone in the Ralph knew it. It bounced off the post. NEVER went in. Mason signaled it a goal. EVERYONE in the arena was confused. They showed the replay of the 'goal' on the Jumbotron, like they do with every Sioux goal... except they didn't show it three times like normal... They showed it ONCE and then realized.... UH OH.... My entire team and Coach Russell were pointing at the Jumbotron, 'LOOK UP THERE.' Meanwhile, Mason kept repeating, 'I can't.'"

Goon
"Probably the most upset I have been this season was watching DU get six straight power plays and UND having to kill off these calls. One play the ref called the DU player for a penalty and then the ref put a Fighting Sioux hockey player in the box. Half of the penalties were of the very weak variety and in a few instances the refs overlooked a DU penalty and then called a penalty on UND. I was at the end of my rope during that game. I have never seen a game so one sided in my 30+ years of watching hockey for that game I was at 9. The bush league Marvin hit on Genoway and the Paukovich hit on Robbie Bina were some of the dirtiest plays that I have ever witnessed in hockey. I was pretty upset during both of these games. I am still upset about the hit on Genoway both instances I would say '10+'."

Roy
"The Bulldogs got hosed in the 1984 NCAA Championship. Bowling Green tied the game on an offsides dump-in that careened off the back boards in the worst bounce ever seen. Kosti was behind the net and got scored on."

Joe
"[S]cumbag Claude Lemieux destroyed Kris Draper's already unattractive face in 1996. Dino Ciccarelli will always be my homeboy for what he said after that series ended and that 1997 team that punked out Colorado in the regular season and playoffs will always be my favorite.

A close second for me would be ECAC Quarterfinals Game 2 last year between RPI and Cornell. RPI won game one 1-0 then leading Cornell coach Mike Schafer to whine and cry in the postgame about how RPI is a cheap and dirty team and that penalties should be called no matter what. Schafer scared the refs for the next night so badly with his fat mouth that he was suspended by the ECAC for Game 2 but RPI was dinged for 19 penalties leading them to stay on the PK all night and getting obscenely outshot and losing only 4-0 or something like that. Cornell will never be a respected opponent in my eyes because their coach is a fat whiner and because of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PnJ-KfBIkw. Not only did Taylor Davenport milk the hit for all it was worth but Cornell left the ice without a handshake. D*****bags. Cornell hockey's motto: Take the fall, act injured, get indignant. Don't be too surprised if that ends up on a Photoshop in the future. OK so maybe I am still angry about that. Nevermind, move that to the top of the list because it's about everything that ISN'T hockey. Taking dives, whining incessantly and being rewarded for it. Yup, bag full o' *****."

Geist
"UNH fans cheering against the Sioux in the '08 Frozen Four to piss me off."

Theresa
"It was thanks to one of my own club games in college. Without going into many details, it was after a game with Bates in February 2003 and I ended up breaking the glass on one of the doors into the rink. If you only mean games watched... I couldn't tell you except that it probably had to do with the Avs when I was super Avs fan extraordinaire back in high school."

Biddco
"When UMD lost to Tech earlier this year. I didn't want to wear an opposing team's jersey to the game. Didn't want to have people giving me crap about it. Also when UMD scored their first goal in 240 minutes of game against at UND in 2008, and then went on to lose that game in OT. I wanted that win so bad because I hate the Sioux so much. I thought we had a chance to win that game. [I know, totally, they blew the whistle WAY too late, we had the puck covered.]"

Jeremy
"Walked out of the DECC after a game v. DU and yelled out a big ol 4-letter word that I'm not proud of. Rather ashamed of that incident, because there were kids around. (Hope my mom doesn't read this.) [Uh, pretty sure NO ONE reads this.] Spent a good amount of money to make a weekend of UMD hockey a few years after I left school. Gas, tix to both games, hotel for 2 nights, beer, etc. Dogs were run out of the building on Friday night, and Saturday was a good game that eventually went into OT. Of course DU won, and the weekend of frustration built up and culminated with that OT loss. I let it go as soon as we got out of the doors into the parking lot, and pretty much top of my lungs. My friend said 'Hey, there's kids around' and I felt small."

Anger about hockey isn't always focused on the ice sheet. Sometimes, it's our fellow fans that make us angry. Then we have those incidents like hockey dads killing each other and stuff. I can't think of the angriest I've been at a game. I was really angry when that chick threw up behind me in the stands. And I was really angry at stupid jerk Bruce Raboin and his ugly red face. That's probably the angriest I have been, because he was so immature, and he was trying to start fights with people for no reason other than he is a *****. Not everyone has had so many lovely experiences with other fans, but a few other people chimed in.

MeanEgirl
"The only thing I can think of at the moment is a visit to the National Hockey Center. These two stupid SCSU fans came over to us and tried to steal our stuff. This was the infamous weekend where DormRat got arrested, but those two douchewagons (can I say that here?) [I guess] did not need to try and steal our stuff!! It makes me angry thinking about it! I'm also reminded of some ***** that tried to steal my jersey at Blue Bricks in Mankato. It was sitting on the table next to me and she tried to make off with it. Looking back on it now, I dealt with that situation in the wrong way... I think I was just in such shock that someone would try to do that! If I could do it all over again, I would've made a scene. UGH! It makes my blood boil thinking about it! Sorry about the tangent. DON'T TAKE MY STUFF, PEOPLE. I don't like it!"

Goon
"There were a couple morons behind me at the last game that kept putting his foot on my chair and he was kicking me. If he had been a little older I would have had a chat with him but it wasn’t worth it, I didn't need to get into an altercation with the kids dad. They don’t usually sit there so they won’t be back. The kid was so obnoxious that it took all of my patient to not strangle him."

Roy
"I've also been angry at people sitting around me, explaining the game to non-hockey people. Explaining the game incorrectly and/or pointing out things that aren't anywhere close to being accurate. Happens in other WCHA rinks a lot."

Geist
"Some stupid fat Northern Michigan fan told me to go back to the Engelstad and I told her I would love to so I could watch real hockey. She then said I could watch Denver beat the Sioux in the Frozen Four again. I was like that was 3 years ago, honey."

Badger Backer
"After waiting in line for 10 minutes, the food staff gave me a hot dog instead of a bratwurst. I ate it anyway, and it was delicious, but it still made me angry."

Theresa
"I can't remember specifics, but it was the sheer idiocy of how my friends and I were treated at the opposing rink by the other team's fans. I expected crap from people when I wore an opposing team's jersey, but still."

Biddco
"[It] involves me losing a bet to wear a Tech jersey at a UMD game."

Jeremy
"There was one time at a UMD v. UND playoff game at REA when the Dogs were getting it handed to them by the Sioux, and 2 random NoDak fans were holding their keys up in the air and jingling them. I was all confused and we kept asking them what it meant. Finally they said 'Better go start your cars...' More lame than anything, but enough to raise my blood pressure."

Finally, there's the sport itself. The last question I asked examined the sport on a macro level. I asked, "What makes you angriest about hockey?" I hate it when I see a player who is unwilling to make a check. There's a cheer tPB has done in the past that goes "Hit Somebody! Anybody! HARD!" For me, that's not a cheer. It's a vehement expression of infinite frustration. I also get angry when I'm watching or listening to a game online and technology stops working. Especially at key moments in a game. Or like right now, when a game is about to START.

Ryan
"No one in a position of any authority will listen to my brilliant suggestions."

Dirty gave me a rundown of some of his angry moments.
1. I told [this] woman [who told him to sit down at a game] to "Shut the f*** up and sit the f*** down". That was eight years ago and she hasn't been back for another game.
2. After being swept by Michigan Tech, I punched a concession stand grate and nearly broke my hand.
3. After losing a game to Michigan Tech, I didn't talk for an entire day.
4. After losing to Michigan Tech, I broke a megaphone by whipping it at a wall.
5. I nearly punched Boosh when he taunted me about how crappy UND played at the F5.
6. I left my sick dad at the arena with no ride home during the WJC in 2005.
7. I threatened to murder every single WCHA ref and their families.
8. I was called Tourettes for my profanity laced tirades.


MeanEgirl
"Fans. Stupid fans. Ignorant fans."

GOON
"When the refs don’t call the obstruction, hooking and holding and let teams hook and hold up and down the ice, then in the last minute of the game start calling the game tight, ala Jon Campion."


Joe
"The brutal mismanagement that goes on in the NHL and the forced second-class treatment it gets from any and all major media outlets. Even out here on the east coast where there's more than enough college hockey to go around, games get backend of the report treatment behind everything else. High school hockey also exists out here but you'd never know it. It's f***ing weak as hell - that's why we're here on the Internet shouting from the floors of our parents' basement."

Donald
"What makes you angriest about hockey? The shortness of the games. They should be 5 or 6 hours long an are usually less than half of that? If games were as long as they should be I know my team would go undefeated at home."

Geist
"Fans that have no idea what the f*** they are talking about. Learn the f***ing game you dips*** retards."

Badger Backer
"When my team scores [fewer] goals than the opposing team at the conclusion of a game."

Theresa
"Defensemen who don't know how to play defense. Really, covering the backdoor is like D 101. That, and defensemen who are solidly in the negative of plus/minus being hailed as great defensemen. A good defensemen is solidly in the positive and doesn't need to score 30 goals. Keep the damn puck away from the net. It's not that freaking hard to cover your guy. If I can manage it in a drop-in game against guys who are twice my size, guys on scholarship/getting paid to play hockey certainly can. And the fact that I ranted about it tells you it angers me."

Biddco
"If it is a game we should have won, but didn't, because of something that screwed us, I will be very upset."

Jeremy
"UMTC broadcasters."

I asked the WCHA fans which referees made them angriest? Adam, none, Schmidt, Campion, Anderson, Adam, they all suck, Adam, Campion and Thul because of this game (gee, I wonder who said that... Someone who is not smart enough to know that the Gophers have their own tournament FOR EXACTLY THIS REASON), all of them except for Derek Shepherd and Marco Hunt but especially Anderson and Adam, Mason, and one for Don Koharski.

I also allowed everyone to freestyle, in case anyone wanted to "flow futuristic." I recused myself, since I am always on the jazz here. We got some interesting results, and some abstentions. We had actual rapping, as seen below.

Dirty
I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
To the hip hip hop, a you don't stop
The rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie
To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat
Now what you hear is not a test--I'm rappin' to the beat
And me, the groove, and my friends are gonna try to move your feet

Now I hate every ref, because they all make stupid calls.
If you do disagree, you best watch as I'll kick you in the balls
Le-ah is a dumb b*tch, who just likes Canada
I say she is a traitor and needs to go to hell
When I see her next, she had best watch out
For I make idle threats, ever so well

Then we had cop-outs.
Ryan "I would like to apologize for not having been a better subject for this line of questioning. I have thoughts and opinions on the sport but tend not to get upset about it." Well, lah-de-freakin'-dah.
Badger Backer "The numbers would have been much higher if the query was regarding frustration rather than rage. I think they are very difficult emotions to separate, because I can barely remember any times I was enraged while my team was winning by a lot and playing great."
Jeremy "You'd think I'd have more Wild bits in this, especially since I attempt to write a blog mostly about them. Must be they've not had very much to play for in terms of meaningful games in their 10-year existence. Actually... THAT makes me kind of angry..."

And some people who were just too angry. (Like me! Yeah! We're soulmates!)
Joe "I wasn't really an angry fan before filling out your survey and I can safely say now that my stomach is twisted in knots, I've shot a nasty look at the pets and I think I need a smoke. I don't even smoke but now I'm fired up and angry after mining through my memories. So in closing: Suck it."
Brandon "Hockey is my love and passion, but Jesus Christ it pisses me the f*** off sometimes. Dirty makes me happy though, so that can sometimes balance it out."
Theresa "I'm good. Don't send me hate mail thanks to my column (or this). I love working for USCHO, but really, I don't get paid enough pour my heart and soul and time and effort into the damn thing week after week. If it were my full-time job ... things would be different. So cut me some freaking slack, will you? However, I've been much happier since I quit reading the comments week after week and rarely check my work e-mail, so maybe it doesn't matter anyway."

And LIES! Filthy lies!
Donald "I do sometimes get mildly perturbed when a puck refuses to go into the net as it's been told to. I really don't appreciate ungrateful pucks. I mean, you know ... you raise them up from shredded pieces of latex and subject them the finest vulcanization processes and lovingly store them in a bucket full of ice; and then they repay you with deliberate disobedience? That really torques me. I can forgive them for banging the post. I mean, if i were a puck I'd be all about doinking some sweet red iron and in those cases they did actually get past the goaltender. So I can forgive them for that. But in cases where they just go into a glove or get deflected to a corner or they just decide to miss entirely... I can often be heard harshly chastising them with a resounding, 'Bad Puck!' And sometimes I'll even roll my eyes."

And then, finally, some random things.
MeanEgirl "I like dogs."