Dear Drew, Vol. 4

Hey guys! Sorry I'm late with the blog this week. I took a few days off after my trip to the Yoop. xxoo, Drew

Dear Drew,

We are a couple of your biggest fans, and we think it’s great that you write not one, but two blogs! However, we happen to like one a heck of a lot more than the other. In your advice column, you are a lot more fun than you are over at the UMD athletics blog. We want to hear more interesting stuff than generic stuff we already know. We already know that off-weeks are good for healing. We want to know how the ping-pong tournament is going, and what you thought of winter carnival! Also, you might want to brush up on your “their/there/they’re usage.” I am sure if you ask Kyle Schmidt he can proof-read. We’re still big fans though!

Helpfully,
A Couple of Short People

Dear Short People,

You are so right. I tried to ask Kyle if I had made any grammar errors but he was busy calculating Chad Huttel's insurance risk. It is very high. I will try to improve, although I really do like to save my best material for RWD and then I am out of ideas. I don't know how she has done it for six seasons. Also, I promise to buy both of you a pitcher of Kamikazes at the Sports Garden. Both strawberry banana, one with no ice.

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

Last weekend I was very upset. See, I'm a fan of a bad hockey team. Like, really bad. And they actually won a game. So I invested in a certain cleaning implement, because I thought it might be necessary the next day. And then it wasn't. I wasn't sure how to dispose of it properly, so I broke it and threw it on the ice. Apparently that was incorrect, and my team was given a penalty. Then I vomited for three hours. That may have been unrelated to the broom. Anyway, what is the proper way to dispose of a broom?

Puzzledly,
Man Without a Shirt

Dear Man Without a Shirt

First, please, stop taking your shirt off. It's scary. Second, throwing the broom on the ice was very dangerous. I could have picked it up and beaten you with it. Ricky Retardo could have skated over it and fallen. Third, we are in a recession. And you live in Michigan. That was very irresponsible. If you had saved the receipt you could have returned it. Or even without the receipt, you could have gotten store credit.

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

A few months ago, I did something bad during a hockey game. See, I got burned by a player. And that made me look bad. Well, I mean, a lot of things make me look bad. None of them are my fault, of course. Anyway, things happened, my elbows might have gotten away from me... accidentally, of course. I mean, my team never takes penalties and never does anything wrong. But we are playing this team again, and I am scared. They have some big guys on their team. I am not used to this as pretty much everyone on my team goes as limp as a dishrag every time play gets remotely physical. What should I do to stay safe this weekend?

Frightenedly,
Windows and Doors

Dear W & D,

This upsets me greatly. "Accidental" elbows are not the Akins way. The Akins way is generally a cross-check to the back or a giant hip check into the boards followed by a cross-check to the back when they are down. To the BACK, W & D. Not the HEAD. What are you, stupid? You should probably just take it like a man, although I am sure you are unaware of what that means. Just do what your little teammates would do and turtle.

-Drew

All right, folks, have a great week! Thanks for the letters!