How The Grinch Stole Christmas

(or, at least, how he stole Christmas for Bulldogs fans. How he stole your own Christmas is between you and the padded walls.)

adapted by RWD

Every 'Dog fan in Duluth liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch, who lived on top of the hill, did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his skates were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his jock was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his skates or his togs,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating tDogs,
Staring down from his tower with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.

For he knew every Dogs fan in Duluth below
Was hoping for two wins down in old O-hi-O.
"And they're wrapping new jerseys!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Monday is Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, Monday, he knew... All the Bulldog girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Bulldogs, young and old, would go down to the rink,
And they'd go to the Curling Club and DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
They would start on some beer, made of barley, hops and yeast,
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And then they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Bulldog in Duluth, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the drunks would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

And the more the Grinch thought of the Beer Song they sing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why for sixty-three years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop Christmas from coming!...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed 'til it hurt.
And he made a quick referee whistle and shirt.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!"
"With this whistle and shirt, I'll look just like that [fill in your own rhyme]!"

"All I need is a reindeer..." The Grinch looked around.
But since reindeer are Canadian, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Max. Then he tied to his head
The antlers that hung over the head of his bed.

Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh and he hitched up old Max.
Then the Grinch said, "Giddyap!" And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where tDogs Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Dogs fans were dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the DECC, so no one was there.

"This is stop number one," The old Grinchy ref hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slipped through a window, a rather tight pinch,
But if anyone could do it, it would be the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, and he tripped on a broom,
while feeling his way down to the Bulldog locker room.
Where the Bulldogs' equipment all hung in a row.
"The stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile more like a sneer,
Around the whole room, and he took all the gear!
Jerseys! And shoulder pads! Skate guards and skates!
Knee pads and jockstraps and pucks packed in crates!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, what baloney!
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, onto the Zamboni!

Then he slunk to the Curling Club, took the fans' spirits!
He even took the Windsor, though it pains me to hear it!
He cleaned out the whole bar that horrible night,
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Natty Lite!
With all the booze on the Zamboni there was barely room,
"But!" grinned the Grinch, "I'll still kidnap the Loon!"
And the Grinch grabbed the loon, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small Dog!
It was RunwiththeDogs, who is writing this blog.
The Grinch had been caught by DA's little daughter,
Who'd stumbled out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Derek Shepherd, why,"
"Why are you taking our weird mascot? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake zebra said, inspired
"Why, he told me today, that he's been retired.
"So I'm taking him ice-fishing up North, my dear.
"And I'll find his replacement and I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a shot and he sent he to bed.
And when Runninwiththedogs went to bed with her glass,
He returned to the loon and kicked him in the... knee.

Then the last thing he took was a picture of Huffer.
Whom he vaguely remembered, for one thing or another
probably involving his sister or mother.
And the one jersey left, had someone's name on it
that puzzled the Grinch. Who the heck was Kronick?
Then he did the same thing to all the fans' racks
He stole all their highlight tapes, season tickets and throwbacks

It was quarter past dawn, all the fans still in dreams
All the Dogs, snoring logs, when he packed up his machine,
Packed it up with the memories! The trophies! The fun!
The Hobeys! McNaughtons! The tournaments won!

Then he drove up Skyline, that nasty old phony,
With the intention to dump the Zamboni!
"Pooh-pooh to the Dogs!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no more wins are coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the Dogs in Duluth will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Duluth! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Dogs in Duluth, the tall and the small,
Was singing The Beersong without wins at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without winning! It came without goals!
"It came without kick saves or closed five holes!"

And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from the score.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then? Well, in Duluth now they say
That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the trophies! And the keg for the toast!
And he... HE HIMSELF...! The Grinch drank the most!

Hang in there, Bulldogs fans.