The Gauntlet: Hooked on Phonics Edition

Next up to run the Gauntlet: the grammatically challenged Goon of Goon's World.

RWD: When did you become a Sioux fan?

Goon: 1992 when I was over visiting a friend of mine that was going to school at Mayville State and we went to a Sioux game. I was hooked.

RWD: Geez. You're like 100 years older than me and I've been a Bulldog fan longer than you've been a Sioux fan. [Almost everyone I Gauntlet is way older than me, with the exception of MEg.]

Goon: It was against NMU, MEg's favorite team.

RWD: Were they in tWCHA then?

Goon: Yes they were in the WCHA. Living in International Falls, MN, I was actually a Bulldog fan before I was a Sioux fan. [Hockey Fandom: You’re doing it wrong.] I had a Tom Herzig Jersey. It was the mid-1980's. [What is this, blog noir?]

RWD: And then came The Fall. [How existential of me.]

Goon: I turned to the Dark Side, as some would say, after I returned from the service. [Do people even say that anymore? I mean, non-grandparents?]

RWD: Brady Hjelle is from International Falls.

Goon: I didn't know that, and I am not familiar with his family name.

RWD: How do you feel about our backup goalie being better than all 3 of your goalies if they were in net at the same time?

Goon: If he is better than Stalock then he is a really good goalie. [Is this a clever misdirection? Or just Goon missing the point?]

RWD: What about the Sioux? Are you a fan of them? I mean the real humans of the Sioux tribe.

Goon: I spent a lot of time at Spirit Lake when I worked as a recruiter for Job Corps, so I have met a lot of people from the Sioux nation, and yeah I am a fan. I also have known a good number of people that are of Chippewa descent.

RWD: Do you go to Spirit Lake and sit on a bench and yell "Let's Go Sioux!" as people walk down the street and stuff?

Goon: Nah, they walk down the street like you and I and they don't do chants like Let’s Go Sioux... [Ok, I’m pretty sure that Goon was missing the point before, because he certainly is now.]

RWD: I meant, do you cheer them on? Like, "Way to drive that car!!!"

Goon: Noooo, how silly. [Really? Ya think?]

RWD: And if someone from Wisconsin rear-ended them would you raise your arm in the air and call for a penalty?

Goon: No, I would give them the one finger salute.

RWD: Oh, you'd pull a Hakstol?

Goon: Yeah, I can't fault Hak for giving someone the bird. It is like the Grand Forks wave. [God, sounds like GF is full of jerks.] It is quite common here. In defense of Hak, Adam was calling a horrible game and I would have done more than give him the bird; I would have been ushered out of the rink after the calls in the first two periods. I would have probably been throwing water bottles and towels and yelling really loud... [I can’t imagine what it would be like to be around someone like that.]

RWD: Is it ever not the ref's fault? I mean, aren't the Sioux players just sometimes hacking goons without skill? [Sometimes? What am I saying? Always!]

Goon: Well, if you listen to a few of my blogger buddies, you would think that UND are a bunch of hacks and goons and start every fight and wherever there are high penalty minutes, the Sioux are involved. [I see nothing wrong with this assessment.]

RWD: I don't think that. I know it.

Goon: You told me that the Sioux were the kings of clutching [I changed the spelling of this… among MANY OTHER words.] and grabbing last March at the Final Five.

RWD: I am wise.

Goon: Oops clutching... I affraid to miss spell a words. See I am scared. Afraid. Sorry

RWD: I'll edit it. [Except for that part. Now you have a taste of how hard I work for you people.]

Goon: Good.

RWD: Trust me. I can't have this [feces] on my site. People will be impressed [with Goon’s seemingly stellar spelling].

Goon: That is part of the schtick. [God! He’d even spelled “schtick” wrong! “Stick???”]

RWD: Do you think all the ads on your site might pay for a copy editor?

Goon: Nah I haven't got a dime. I did get 300.00 from the Ticket Liquidator and 75.00 bucks [???] from another person for putting up 8 links [What person was that? Geist the Blog Whore?], but nothing from Yard Barker yet. Versus game me a hat as well. [Noticing his error] Ah crap gave, I can't type on my new computer.

RWD: Uh, sure. It's the refs fault; it's the computer's fault. Typical UND fan. Another typical UND fan behavior is whining about the polls. Who even cares? [Seriously, they have no bearing on anything.]

Goon: I think polls are great reading in the morning when you’re eating breakfast. Then you can line the bird cage with them. Only thing is I don't have a bird. Dog would eat it... because he is a bird dog... [Well, you could train him.]

RWD: I wish I could vote in polls. [I should vote. I am a legitimate member of the media.] I would vote so annoyingly. You would die.

Goon: I don't want the responsibility. I don't find you annoying; I find you to be funny and thought provoking. [There’s a first time for everything. Usually I’m just provoking.]

RWD: #1 Air Force. #2 Princeton.

Goon: That would drive me nuts. And Miami number three, right?

RWD: Your favorite team!

Goon: I actually think they are a nice story. Ryan Jones was a monster [Frankenstein or Gamera?]; I just like arguing with Redhawk from USCHO. I called him Red Hack.

RWD: You know how you feel about polls? Well, I feel that way about Sioux7. I could use him to line my cat's litter box. [If he ever used his litter box…]

Goon: Sioux7 is my old college roommate. We emptied many of beer cans and whiskey bottles when I was in college. [That explains a lot.]

RWD: Well he is solely to blame for my Dogs’ season.

Goon: Team effort.

RWD: No. I won't let you take the blame too. [What a gallant gesture!] ALL SIOUX7.

Goon: Um, the Gandalf the Red likes Donn's predictions because the more he predicts wrong, the more the Badgers win. I don't do predictions. I won't say Sioux sweep like Dirty. Bad mojo.

RWD: Gandalf the Red lives in his mom's basement and has an awful blog. [To be fair, he’s not the only person who sucks on it. There are other sucky people too.]

Goon: I actually like his blog he said that Stalock was a sieve. [I wonder if he understands the meaning of the word.] I don't believe it though...

RWD: He thought that Wisconsin should have won on Friday night. Must have been some bad reception in mom's basement. [More tinfoil for the rabbit ears next time.] Or he was distracted by his Dungeons and Dragons game.

Goon: I think they are an enigma. Connelly is not very good [but Connollys are very good!], but they played well when the BADgers played UND and they went on a run after playing the Sioux [against the WCHA powerhouses of tUMD and MTU!]. Mom's basement, yikes... That is harsh.

RWD: Please. Lord of the Rings fan + Wisconsin loser = Basement dweller. [Like Aaron Neville, I’m tellin’ it like it is.]

Goon: I am a Harry Potter fan myself, I have never watched Lord of the Rings.

RWD: And you live above ground! Shot and a goal!

Goon: Yep, and the wind blows a lot here in God's Country...

RWD: I thought that was Montana.

Goon: I know, Montana sucks and Minnesota blows right?

RWD: Minnesota rocks. We've got trees.

Goon: And we have tree belts. [What?] I like Minnesota and I would move back, but I like North Dakota.

RWD: How do you even have a deer stand in ND if you don't have a tree to build it in?

Goon: Duck hunting... [That is not an answer.] We don't do tree stands; we walk and push sloughs for deer. We also do some road hunting as well...

RWD: When I was driving to Houghton, I drove by a deer on the side of the road with its head cut off and a bird eating its carcass. [Glorious nature!] Do you do that? Take the heads off of roadkill deer and mount them on your wall? [I think that's what he means by "road hunting."]

Goon: Road Kill. There is a town on Hwy 2 on the way to the UP in Michigan that’s named Spread Eagle. [I think FHG is moving there.] That isn't really the question, but you are right there are a lot of deer in Michigan [I don’t recall saying that] and you probably will see a lot of road kill. It is the same in ND as well. I feel that there are way too many deer in the upper Midwest. [What a civic minded man! He should have a key to the city of Grand Forks!] I have a rack I got off a deer I shot three years ago that I still haven't hung on the wall...

RWD: I have a rack too but it's not off no deer. [Hi Dad!] Do you think the animals you kill have souls?

Goon: A deep question. [Okay, if that’s the way you want to play it.] Yeah, I think so. I don't see them in my sleep.

RWD: Does that mean that maybe you have no soul?

Goon: Philosophy! I didn't know we were going to get into a deep conversation; I would have drunk a few Miller Lites in preparation. [Why? Do you crave gut rot from glorified water?] I have a soul but my wife says that I am kind of shallow. Kind of like the guy in big daddy where the kid pees on the bed and he covers it up with a news paper. I guess I have been labeled to be that guy... [WHAT?]

RWD: I... am... speechless. [Seriously. I mean, how am I supposed to respond?] MOVING ON! Let's talk about the Sioux!

Goon: Uh oh...

RWD: I heard Vandevelde's tearing it up! He got an empty netter against CC!

Goon: Yep into our own net. I have never seen that before. (I heard it on the radio). [Tragically not on YouTube yet!]

RWD: It happens. [Poor Nisky.]

Goon: I was a football player so I don't know about that.

RWD: What about that guy that ran the wrong way for the Vikings?

Goon: Yep he was a Vikings player, and I was kind of young when that happened.

RWD: So it happens.

Goon: Yep.

RWD: Ryan Duncan: overrated or extremely overrated?

Goon: Duncan is awesome, not over rated. You would think the guy is an absolute hack thought.

RWD: I would think that. He also lies.

Goon: I am pretty sure Ryan is very Hobey Baker-like. [Mike Curry was robbed!] I don't know about lying.

RWD: He said he is 5'6".

Goon: He might not be that tall.

RWD: See! LIAR!

Goon: I am not going to measure him.

RWD: Are you going to go to Duluth this weekend?

Goon: Nope I have to work this weekend and Mrs. Goon is working overnights so I won't be making the trip. One of my friends wanted me to go, but I don't want to drive that far either.

RWD: It's not on Mars. It's not that far.

Goon: I have been down Hwy 2 to Duluth a lot lately. My boss probably wouldn't let me take the time off. It’s 260 miles.

RWD: Why did you tell people they should go to Little Angie's?

Goon: They have killer food. I ate there a couple of weeks ago when we took Abby [the Spawn of Goon] to the doctor. Their margaritas are awesome. [Get one in a rocks glass!] One of them will give you a great buzz.

RWD: Barf. Killer. You said it. [Little Angie’s is disgusting.]

Goon: I was impressed with your drink gauntlet.

RWD: FHG was not impressed. [Nor was he present, he was sitting on his butt in tGarden watching the Golden Chokers.]

Goon: That guy is funny.

RWD: -looking. God, I'm really mean. [I can’t write a post without taking a shot at FHG! Sorry hon!]

Goon: The whole hat thing is cool; he should paint it Green and White...

RWD: No. It has the right colors.

Goon: Maroon and Gold aren't my colors.

RWD: Wrong emblem. Do you miss T.J. Oshie?

Goon: Yes I do, the kid was a monster player. T.J. Oshie kicked some serious [badonkadonk] while he was here. Gave his all. [All over the elevator floor!]

RWD: And you posted his dad's "public statement."

Goon: Yes I did. You remember that?

RWD: Yes. I rudely commented on it. [It was basically Papa Osh kissing up to all the people helping with his celebrity golf tourney thinly disguised as a “thank you” letter from “T.J.”]

Goon: Now I remember that conversation. It was last summer after Oshie signed with the Blues.

RWD: I recall. What should we expect to see this weekend? Who's going to be in goal? [Does it even matter?]

Goon: Brad Eidsness will be in goal and I don't know what to expect.

RWD: If you wanted to give Walski a confidence boost you could play him. [Eeee! Sorry guys! I didn’t mean it! You are awesome!! Mama loves you!!!]

Goon: I think UND is starting to get it going and actually the forwards are more talented this year. If I was the coach Walski would never touch the ice again. We do not benefit from playing a kid that is a senior when we have two freshmen that need experience. Eidsness is a way better goalie than Walski. I am sure some the ND state high school hockey homer will not like this, but that is how I feel. [First Ziggy, then Walski. ND is producing some goalies with great credentials!]

RWD: Don't hold back now.

Goon: I call it the Walski experiment. LGM aka Amy likes it but I don't.

RWD: I like it too. We need some goals.

Goon: I am sure you do. Heck UMD has scored more goals that UND. [Miracle of miracles.] I can't make any predictions because I don't know what to expect. [Cop out!] The games are on TV so I can watch them both.

RWD: How will UND win this weekend? [As if.]

Goon: They will win by making the Bulldogs pay for defensive zone break downs, solid defense and hitting and hustling.

RWD: And how will they lose? [Now we’re talkin’.]

Goon: They lose if they don't respect the ‘Dogs. They have to hit them [very respectful] and protect the puck. Transition and stay out of the box. No selfish penalties. [How is a penalty “selfish?” I would more say “stupid.” But stupidity can’t be helped.] They must not let Stalock get comfortable and see the puck, screen the goalie and let Hextall get in the Bulldogs' kitchen. [Make Mama a sandwich while you’re in there, honey!] If they don't play smart they will lose.

RWD: Hextall is going to win the Hobey Baker this year.

Goon: Nope but I love the way that kid plays. [Really? A genius came on here and left that prognostication!] I told Sioux7 he was like Prpich Lite. Only with more offensive skill. [No one is more offensive than Prp.]

RWD: Bleccch. Drew Akins will wipe the ice with him. [He will jump on him and use his stick to row, row, row the Brett gently around the rink.]

Goon: I am not familiar with Drew Akins.

RWD: Are you familiar with anyone? [He’s a freaking junior!]

Goon: I have not watched your team play this season. I am familiar with teams we have played, but I haven't had the opportunity to see the Dogs. I know your goalie is awesome.

RWD: That's tragic. Stalock is [awesome, I mean].

Goon: Yep Alex, LGM's favorite goalie... [Brady Lamb worked diligently to try to change her mind. With his smooth Barry White voice, I think he might have gotten through to her.] If you have some film on the Bulldogs I will watch it.

RWD: Nothing you want to see... [Restraining order #330] Speaking of that: Who is the hottest Sioux player?

Goon: On the women's team?

RWD: Are we talking about the women's team here? NO.

Goon: I don't know. I don't swing that way.

RWD: You can appreciate the attractiveness of people without being a homosexual. Like me and MEg.

Goon: Hey what people do behind closed door is fine with me as long as I don't have to see visual evidence. I don't know how to judge men for attractiveness. That is a loaded question that LGM asked me as well and I haven't fallen for the trick so far... I am too quick... [It’s too easy. I won’t do it.]

RWD: It's not a trick. It's been a standard of the Gauntlet since its inception.

Goon: Ok, do I have to answer that question?

RWD: YES! [Why would I asked otherwise?] Ladies need to know! [I provide a public service.]

Goon: Hextall.

RWD: Let me see. [Pause while I look him up] Well, I didn't vomit at his photo.

Goon: Wow, that's good to know.

RWD: But he's no Darcy Zajac. [Mmmmm]

Goon: I will take your word for it.

RWD: If you'd said Joe Finley I would have died. And you would be arrested. [For murder.]

Goon: That was my next choice.

RWD: So you think Bert from Sesame Street is good-looking?

Goon: Nope...

RWD: Because he and Joe are one and the same. Same eyebrows. Same consuming rage.

Goon: Yes I do, I have an eyebrow. No rage, I am a very happy person...

RWD: What?

Goon: vhat?

RWD: I said Bert and Joe Finley were the same. Not you and Joe Finley. Or you and Bert.

Goon: oh, miss that one. No, duh, woopppsss. [I left this in to prove a point.]

RWD: So, let's see if you can get through one more question without a glaring error. Weekend prediction? (And you MUST make one!)

Goon: split. Sioux Friday, Dogs win Saturday.

RWD: Wow, you even managed to mess that up! DOGS SWEEP!