When You Say Wisconsin, You've Said Too Much

Little known fact: I didn't even know that was a Budweiser jingle until earlier this year. Please, like I would ever drink Budweiser. I am a lady, and I deserve nothing but the best. It's Miller High Life or nothing at all, thank you.

Anyway, the Bulldogs are preparing to march on the capital in protest of these so-called "National Champions." It's time for their Bolshevik Reign of Terror and Trap-Style Hockey to end. I remember I went into the Kohl Center two years ago, and I saw a sign hanging up above the rink. It seemed strange at the time, and so I noted it, as a good investigative journalist would do (should I ever want to be one). I guess Wisconsin was just trying to remind us they were a very inclusive institution.

1. Whatever wears a striped shirt is an enemy.
2. Whatever plays on the point, or on the wing, is a friend.
3. No hockey player shall harm a tent.
4. No hockey player shall play against a team that has an offensive mascot.
5. No hockey player shall drink alcohol.
6. No hockey player shall dive on the ice.
7. All hockey players are equal.

So, I happened to be watching a Wisconsin hockey game on TV last year, and I saw the same banner, but it looked slightly different.

1. Whatever wears a striped shirt is an enemy a friend that won't call us for blatant slashing.
2. Whatever plays on the point, or on the wing, in front of the net and blocks shots is a friend.
3. No hockey player shall harm a tent unless the tent was a threat to them.
4. No hockey player shall play against a team that has an offensive mascot unless it is in our conference.
5. No hockey player shall drink alcohol at Blarney's.
6. No hockey player shall dive on the ice unless another player touches them.
7. All hockey players are equal.

And then this year, an anonymous source sent me this picture of Wisconsin hockey players changing the banner. It now reads only a single sentence:

All hockey players are equal, but goalies are more equal than others.

Okay, yeah yeah yeah, all this means is, without their goalie and their shot-blocking, the Commies have nothing. We have got the total package. No one from our team had to be hospitalized during the last series, no one person from our team is the difference between 0-0 ties and 7-0 losses, no one from our team defected, and very few people left due to graduation. If Wisconsin makes it through this weekend with a point or two, they should consider themselves lucky. Once we're firing on all cylinders, this Bulldogs team is going to be unbelievable. You heard it here, although probably not first.

This weekend, even Bucky Badger himself would rather be DEAD than RED. Rise up, Bulldogs, and throw down the shackles of your communist oppressors!