When You Say Wisconsin, You've Said Too Much

Little known fact: I didn't even know that was a Budweiser jingle until earlier this year. Please, like I would ever drink Budweiser. I am a lady, and I deserve nothing but the best. It's Miller High Life or nothing at all, thank you.

Anyway, the Bulldogs are preparing to march on the capital in protest of these so-called "National Champions." It's time for their Bolshevik Reign of Terror and Trap-Style Hockey to end. I remember I went into the Kohl Center two years ago, and I saw a sign hanging up above the rink. It seemed strange at the time, and so I noted it, as a good investigative journalist would do (should I ever want to be one). I guess Wisconsin was just trying to remind us they were a very inclusive institution.

1. Whatever wears a striped shirt is an enemy.
2. Whatever plays on the point, or on the wing, is a friend.
3. No hockey player shall harm a tent.
4. No hockey player shall play against a team that has an offensive mascot.
5. No hockey player shall drink alcohol.
6. No hockey player shall dive on the ice.
7. All hockey players are equal.

So, I happened to be watching a Wisconsin hockey game on TV last year, and I saw the same banner, but it looked slightly different.

1. Whatever wears a striped shirt is an enemy a friend that won't call us for blatant slashing.
2. Whatever plays on the point, or on the wing, in front of the net and blocks shots is a friend.
3. No hockey player shall harm a tent unless the tent was a threat to them.
4. No hockey player shall play against a team that has an offensive mascot unless it is in our conference.
5. No hockey player shall drink alcohol at Blarney's.
6. No hockey player shall dive on the ice unless another player touches them.
7. All hockey players are equal.

And then this year, an anonymous source sent me this picture of Wisconsin hockey players changing the banner. It now reads only a single sentence:

All hockey players are equal, but goalies are more equal than others.

Okay, yeah yeah yeah, all this means is, without their goalie and their shot-blocking, the Commies have nothing. We have got the total package. No one from our team had to be hospitalized during the last series, no one person from our team is the difference between 0-0 ties and 7-0 losses, no one from our team defected, and very few people left due to graduation. If Wisconsin makes it through this weekend with a point or two, they should consider themselves lucky. Once we're firing on all cylinders, this Bulldogs team is going to be unbelievable. You heard it here, although probably not first.

This weekend, even Bucky Badger himself would rather be DEAD than RED. Rise up, Bulldogs, and throw down the shackles of your communist oppressors!

Details, Details

Well, the weekend's over, I finally have a day off, and there's so much to write about... and it's GOOD.

What? Oh, I'm sorry. I was distracted. Why does everyone look so much hotter than they did in those stupid team photos from the roster?? This is posted up on the Camrose Kodiaks website, as all four of these handsome guys are Kodiak alumni.

Also, I unearthed my program from last year and discovered that I was wrong. Matt McKnight did actually get a new picture this year, he is just wearing the same thing and has almost exactly the same expression on his face.

Chris writes over at Maverick Hockey Nation about starting the season off the right way. The Mavs are a 1-1-0 team, and we are a 1-0-1 team, but it's all binary. After last year's October, when we had only one win (the Mike Curry Scoring Extravaganza at Tech), things were looking grim. There's nothing grim about the start to this season, and it feels great.

So, we're not going to nitpick about the shorthanded goals we gave up (3), but we are going to celebrate the wonderful 7/14 power play awesomeness. Sources say we have a much different power play plan of attack, and DHG will be asking Bruce if that is thanks to Bill Watson. Now I have to think of another question to Ask The Booth. Maybe they should just call it Ask The Bruce. I like that better.

The line combinations seem to be working well. Lines 2 and 3 are rolling, and Line 1 is like a freaking scoring bomb just waiting to go off. Line 4 obviously hasn't been solidified yet, but Saturday (when I actually was able to listen to the game) it sounded like the Gorsalitz-McFarland-Curry line was working well.

Goaltending? I'm not concerned. Stalock sounds like he will only get better, he's already confident enough to play the puck in some tight situations (which almost resulted in a goal for UML, but them's the breaks). I don't know what else to say on that note, because Johnson and Ziegelmann only played 1 period of exhibition hockey. We all thought we'd see two goalies last weekend, so any speculation is just... speculation.

Final Thought: It totally rocks to see defensemen scoring. The forwards have scored 6 goals, and the defense has scored 4. Whoa, 6 + 4 = 10. 10 goals in one weekend? I love it.

That's The Way (Uh Huh, Uh Huh) I Like It (Uh Huh, Uh Huh)

UMD 7, UML 3.

Let me tell you, I have never heard a sweeter sound than the voice of Bruce Ciskie, as In-The-Doghouse Alleged Webmaster finally, finally figured out what was coming between me and my hockey. It was a codec we needed to install, in case you cared. But you don't, which is cool. I'm ok with that.

Recap tomorrow. I guess. My brain is fried from work.

Contest Updates:

My Guys:
Nisky: 6 (Sweet Georgia Brown!)
Everyone Else: Zippo

Freshmen:
Fulton: 2
Akins: 1
Stalock: 1
And The Rest: 0

HOW ABOUT THAT POWER PLAY??

By-The-Integers

I'm sleepy, so I'm not going to write up a whole recap. I'm majorly pissed that I'm having some sort of internet issue, and was unable to listen to the game. UMDDogz and DA totally sold me down the river, I couldn't listen at either of their homes.

Before you offer me internet advice (which I would LOVE), let me give you a few facts:
1: I can play other radio stations with warpradio, no problem.
2: The stupid commercial plays, and then when it's done, it goes silent.
3: I am, to use the parlance of our times, "receiving packets," but there is no sound.
4: The volume is all the way up.

This is not your ordinary problem. But if you can help, please do. Or I might die. Of spontaneous combustion.

UMD tied UML tonight, 3-3. Number of Even-Strength Goals: 0. Number of Power Play goals: 3 UMD, 1 UML. Number of Shorthanded goals: 0 UMD, 2 UML.

In the "My Guys" Competition, Matt Niskanen gets a quick 2 points, with 1 goal and 1 assist. Everyone else has a goose egg so far.

In the Freshmen Competition (which is the same as the My Guys Competition, except for all freshmen), the leader is currently Alex Stalock, with 1 assist. Seriously. The goalie is the leader in the Freshmen Competition. That's pretty freaking sweet.

In non-Bulldog news, Hotter Than Hott Hottie Darcy Zajac scored the winning goal in OT for the Fighting Sioux.

More tomorrow.

Once A Bulldog, Always A Bulldog

Check out The DECC is Stacked! for a rundown of what Bulldogs are doing now. At least, where hockey is related. You'll never know if Todd Smith really did move back to Alaska to work construction.

B-b-b-baby, You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet

So, the 'Dogs beat... oh crap I can't even remember their name... oh, Lakehead. See what the hottie lists did to me? My brain is mush!

Anyway, chalk one up for the good ol' USA... oh, right. Seven Canadians on our team... right, then.

That last game was just a teaser. It didn't even count. Mike Curry's still got 0 points on the year. So even though we won, 8-1, we're still looking for that first win. But that's cool. Any team that gets invited to the annual Gophers Invite Cupcake Teams So We Don't Get Embarrassed At Our Own Tournament (GICTSWDGEAOOT, for short) can't be that hard to beat. They are coming off an exhibition win as well, against some place called St. Francis Xavier. They've got 11 freshmen. They're on the road. We are awesome. The DECC may fall down on their heads. There's fear in their hearts.

It's not going to be a blowout (I said that last weekend, and look!), but we are going to win both games this weekend. We are going to sweep, and it will rock, and we'll see wins from Josh Johnson and Alex Stalock. Mike Curry will have an assist, Carroll's going to get a goal, Michael Gergen's going to get a goal, and many, many other people are going to get many, many points.

Now excuse me while I go to bed.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UMTC

FINALLY, the last team. I was going to do the Gophers list earlier, but oh my god, I almost fell asleep. So I left it to the last. Bad mistake. It's after midnight, and I still have to write my preview.

I don't think I'll be doing this next year. It sucks.

The Good
THERE IS NO ONE GOOD. I didn't even give out a "pity" good.

The Bad
RJ Anderson and Tyler Hirsch are wearing the same tie. Whose is it?
Someone put a bowl on Ryan Flynn's head, and cut his hair around it. I think Evan Kauffman shaved about 1 minute before this picture was taken, and he still grew back stubble.
This team is like the Revenge of the Nerds. Tri-Lams at UMTC include Tom Pohl, Mike Vanelli, Ryan Stoa, Brent Solei, Jim O'Brien, Jeff Frazee, Mike Carman, and David Fischer. I feel like they would rather have a LAN party or an Obfuscated Code Contest than play hockey.
Continuing the Life Imitates Mascots theme, Justin Bostrom looks like Goldy, while Derek Peltier reminds me of Champ. Tony Lucia should consider himself lucky he didn't inherit the Sonic the Hedgehog gene.
Jay Barriball is "L-I-V-I-N," and looks like Matthew McConaughey's character in Dazed and Confused. Kellen Briggs looks like a convict.
Alex Goligoski was once a hottie. What happened, man? The only people who were even close this year were Mike Howe and Blake Wheeler. What would have happened if Kyle Okposo had only smiled???
Erik Johnson just looks... weird. And Ben Gordon and Brian Schack Failed To Impress.


The Ugly
I guess there isn't anyone specifically "ugly" either. I did give a few pity "not uglies" though.

OH MY GOD. I FINISHED. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. NEVER AGAIN!

So, that means next year, players won't be LINKING TO ME from their FACEBOOK PROFILES.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: SCSU

Last year, when no one from St. Cloud made the All-Hottie team, someone commented, "I guess SCSU is a bunch of uggos." I would argue that, on the whole, that's true, but there's a few glimmers of hope.

The Good
Matt Hartman has really stepped it up this year, and although he's probably not going to make the top Hottie list this year, he's still lookin' pretty good. Marty Mjelleli and David Carlisle did, too. I guess they don't like the term freshman at St. Cloud, possibly because of the "man" suffix, so they say "First Year." Well, "First Year" Ryan Peckskamp is also on the Good list.

The Bad
As always, there are People Who Look Like Famous People. Da Huskies have John Swanson, who reminds me of Steve from Sex and the City, and Ryan Lasch, who looks like Andy Gibb. Someone who no longer resembles a celebrity is Aaron Brocklehurst, who I once though looked like Jim Morrison. Alas, no more.
In the People Who Look Like Non-Famous People I Know category, Bobby Goepfert channels The Alleged Webmaster's current co-worker, who drunkenly promised to follow the Bulldogs this year in order to understand their greatness. This person also yelled "I HOPE DENVER WINS" at me after I yelled at him while listening to the second game of the WCHA first round playoffs this March.
I know MeanEGirl is dying inside because I didn't pick Casey Borer for the list, but how many times do I have to say, you can supply photographic evidence to support your cause. I just don't see it.
Ever have one of those facial tics where your eye twitches? Craig Gaudet had one during his picture. I think Andreas Nodl is trying to sell me a car that has "speed holes" in it and sawdust in the gas tank. Matt Stephenson is possibly a robot.
AJ Gale and Grant Clafton must have had a late night prior to picture day, and it shows. Justin Fletcher and Chris Anderson scare me.
Jon Ammerman, Garrett Raboin, Nate Raduns, and Gary Houseman were close to making the Good list. Andrew Gordon and Jake Weslosky confused me: are they hott and have a bad picture? Or nott? Something's not quite right. I wasn't confused at all about BJ O'Brien though. Definitely the Bad list. Count Nate Dey on the "Failed To Impress" list.
I think Michael Olson's birthdate has a typo. It should read 5/17/74, not 84.

The Ugly
Sweet Mother of Mercy, Dan Kronick is even more ugly than last year.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: CC

We're in the home stretch, people!

I have to say, my biggest complaint about CC has been a serious lack of effort. This is the same crap that happened two years ago, when I started the Hottie Team. I swear they took their pictures right after practice. You'll understand why.

The Good
There's only one entry on the CC Good list, and it's Dan Quilico, and I'm sure people will disagree. But you know what? Make your own damn list. Oh yes, the claws are comin' out.

The Bad
If I put one brother on the Bad list, I've gotta put the other one, too. It's only fair. So sorry, Lee Sweatt, you were close this year, and sorry, Bill Sweatt, but you're just too young-looking. (No, Anonymous Poster, I do NOT like Aaron Carter.) There's always next year... for one of you, at least. That also means Mike Testwuide is S.O.L., too.
I guess CC is the place to play hockey after you've gotten out of prison, as Brandon Polich, Chris Kawano, Scott McCulloch and Braydon Cox all look like they've done hard time.
Non-celebrity look-alikes include Kris Fredheim, who looks like a Navy buddy of mine, except cracked out; Chad Rau, who looks like this kid who worked in the Nuclear Radiation Lab with me, if that kid had brown hair instead of blonde; Cody Lampl, who looks eerily like Marco Peluso; and Nate Prosser, who reminds me somewhat of my sister-in-law's ex-boyfriend, a man who once told me "Dale Earnhardt is the greatest man who ever lived," without a drop of sarcasm in his voice.
Brandon Straub must have been the first person to have his picture taken, since it looks like he just took his helmet off. The rest of the guys had a little time to at least do some finger combing, or use one of those black combs you get for free during school pictures. UMDDogz knows all about those.
Jack Hillen and James Brannigan look really, really old for college hockey. Matt Zaba not only looks old, but also very '70s, which makes sense, because doesn't it seem like he's been at CC for, like, 30 years?
On the flip side, there are so many young-looking guys on this team I was thinking it was a Pee-Wee team. Addison DeBoer, Brian Connelly, Matt Overman, Andreas Vlassopoulous and Brian McMillin (and the aforementioned Billy Sweatt) all look like freshmen... in high school.
It seems like Jake Gannon and Derek Patrosso had a bad practice, as they are totally grumpy-looking. Maybe Scott Thauwald could cheer them up, as he looks like he is a funny, funny man.
Drew O'Connell is going to get off easy, as I couldn't think of a sassy remark for him. Lucky you, man. Oh wait, how about: you look like Bucky Badger, too.

The Ugly
Jimmy Kilpatrick once speared a Bulldog player, and thus he resides on the Uggo list.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UW

Well, it's snowing here, and I'm still bringing you top notch investigative reporting. This post features our defending national champions.

The Good
Okay, let me tell you: this was not fun. The only WCHA All-Hottie Team Member from UW last year was AJ Degenhart, and he's not around anymore. All I could come up with was Davis Drewiske and Matt Ford, and I'm not exactly jumping up and down about those choices.

The Bad
Let me tell you: it's never good to resemble your own mascot, and both Michael Davies and Brian Elliott do. Speaking of Elliotts, Jake Dowell reminds me of David James Elliott, aka Harmon Rabb, Jr. from JAG. And though Jeff Likens looks nothing like The Fonz, doesn't it seem like he's saying "Heyyyyyy!"? Sit on it. And what would our '70s flashback be without Jamie McBain, whose doppelganger I saw in my dad's 1974 Duluth East yearbook.
Are we tired of all the segues yet? Well, now I got nothin'.
Josh Engel doesn't look like anyone you might have heard of, but he looks like someone I know. And that person only wears leather, never leaves his house without gauntlets on his wrists, and sings Megadeth's "Symphony of Destruction" at any karaoke event. Joe Piskula also looks like someone I know, who is unfortunately nicknamed "The Boy" because he is a man-child, and the only thing he is good at is playing bass guitar.
I was really disappointed in Jack Skille, because I thought he'd be hot. I don't know why, I guess it just sounds like the name a hot person would have. However, Runnin' With The 'Dogs sounds like a website run by a hack who lives in a van down by the river, so I guess I shouldn't talk. (And yet, I have wireless internet!)
Close only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes, so it's tough luck for Ross Carlson, Kyle Klubertanz, and Aaron Bendickson, all of whom could have made the Good list if not for... well, I'm not quite sure. But it was something.
It was a cruel trick to surprise Jeff Henderson by popping up with the camera without a warning. I'd probably look like that, too. And someone, preferrably with red curly hair, should remind Andy Bohmbach that you're never fully dressed without a smile.
What would a Bad list be without a Jutting relative? Ben Grotting must be a very very distant cousin, to make the Bad list and not the Ugly one.
And of course, a common category on the Bad list is either people who look way too young (Blake Geoffrion, Nigel Williams, Ben Street [except for the semi-mustache], Zach Bearson, and Ryan Jeffery) or way too old (Matt Olinger or Andy Brandt. And Andrew Joudrey looks like he has played in the NHL since before they made helmets mandatory.) to be playing college hockey.
Okay, the snarkiness is wearing on me. I'm so glad I've only got 3 more schools to go. Uggggh, that's still a lot of players. Anyway, moving along, I think the Mystery Machine is missing one passenger in John Mitchell.
And finally, because I just seriously can't think of anything else to make boring-looking people sound at least interesting, we have our entrants in the Failed To Impress category: Shane Connelly and Tom Gorowsky. Believe it or not, there were quite a few more names in that mini-list ten minutes ago.

The Ugly
The good thing about most of your players being relatively boring-looking is getting no one banished to the ugly list.

...and, I'm spent. I'm hoping to finish this up tomorrow, but oh my god is it driving me crazy. Just be thankful, comrades, because it's all for you.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: MTU and MSU-M

I call this the Where My Girls At edition, in honor of MeanEGirl and LetsGoMavs.

First up: Michigan Tech Huskies. I have to apologize for these links, because they go to the team's yearbook, so they are pdf files and sort of annoying. Especially if you don't have Adobe Acrobat, but seriously, if you don't have it, you probably don't have a computer.

The Good
All right, lets start with the best of the best: goalie Rob Nolan. Goalies tend to be either hott (i.e. Jake Brandt, Nate Lawson, etc) or nott (i.e. Isaac Reichmuth, yeesh!), and Rob is sizzling!
Taking a red shirt last season allowed Malcolm Gwilliam to cultivate a Beatles-like haircut that nearly kept him off the list, but his smile got to me. Joining Malcolm on the list are sophomores Ryan Angelow, who barely made the cut, and Mike VanWagner, as well as junior Tyler Shelast, he of the perfectly messy hair and impish smile.
Incoming freshmen Ryan Bunger and Drew Dobson, who looks like Kyle Lohse. Let's hope he doesn't behave the same way, too.

The Bad
In the Close But No Cigar category, we have Alex Gagne, Jimmy "Not The One Who Went to RWD's High School" Kerr, Alex Lord and Geoff Kinrade, who could both be Hotties come next season, and the malicious Mark Malekoff.
If I can't see your picture, I can't really judge you, John Kivisto. What are you hiding?
Phil Axtell and Jake Wilkens, why so blue, panda bears? Speaking of fuzzy animals, if Jordan Foote got those caterpillars waxed off, he might have a shot. And Kevin Hackey kind of resembles Goldy, which I suppose you could also consider a celebrity likeness. Speaking of celebrity likenesses, I think Justin St. Louis is trying to emulate Tiger Woods' creepy facial expressions.
Lars Helminen looks like he took "Watch the birdie" seriously. Derek Kitti looks like this creepy kid I went to high school with.
I happen to think Michael-Lee Teslak could be good looking, but he has hair like he should be on a St. Pauli Girl bottle. Tyler Skworchinski looks like he took a shower, then jammed a baseball cap on his head, removing it nanoseconds before the photo was taken.
In the caveman look-alike contest, we have a clear winner in Peter Rouleau. Winning the Little Brother competition is Eli Vlaisavljevich.

The Ugly
I'm sorry, John Schwarz, but if you look like Troy Jutting's son, there's only one category for you.
Mike Batovanja looks like he is storing nuts for the winter. Potentially to feed his eyebrows.

Moving along, we've got the Mavericks from Mankato Minnesota State.

The Good
Getting this out of the way, I know I'd probably be harrassed nonstop if I didn't put RJ Linder on the list. Good thing for Miss Mavs, I agree with her judgment. The only other entry on the Good list for MSU-M is Blake Friesen, and I think I was being kind here.

The Bad
Okay, so the first person I clicked on was Mike Zacharias, and I was like whoa, uggo. But then there was another Mike Zacharias link, which was very confusing. Will the real Mike Zacharias please stand up? I think I've got the right one, and he's much less uggo than the faux Zacharias, who turned out to be Chris Clark. I think.
I know earlier this year someone was lobbying for Dan Tormey to be on the Hottie list, but I just don't see it. Sorry, girl.
In our Celebrity Look-Alike contest, we have James Gaulrapp, who looks like that Ryan Wolff guy who no one likes on CSI: Miami, and Ryan Gunderson, who reminds me of Jay Leno. Hey, Steven Wagner could be an extra on Prison Break. Jon Kalinski somewhat resembles Mr. Ed.
I guess the team photos were taken at, like, 5:00 a.m. after a night of hard drinking, because Lucas Fransen and Jason Wiley look like they just woke up. Brian Kilburg, Nick Canzanello, Joel Hanson, and Trevor Bruess didn't even have time to do their hair (and it looks like Trevor put his bridge in crooked!) Zach Harrison and Mick Berge look like they were on a 3-day bender.
There were a few people who were close to the good list, such as Kael Mouillierat, Travis Morin (I have to say this, Miss Mavs will kill me otherwise), and Kurtis Kisio.
And then there were those close to the bad list, like Jerad Stewart and Geoff Irwin, who should know that shaved heads are not sexy (Right Said Fred is not too sexy for anything!), Matt Tyree, who looks decades older than his teammates, and the unfortunate Chad Brownlee (sorry about getting your head squished in a vice!).

The Ugly
Normally I haven't been including coaches, but you can't have Ugly without Troy Jutting. And Kevin Huck, who looks like he could also be Jutting's son.

Okay, that's enough for now. This is harder than it looks, people.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: DU

Last year, Denver had one of the hottest hotties in the nation, Matt Carle, winner of the Hottie Hobey Baker Award. Carle is now in the NHL, so Denver has lost a lot of their hottness. Can they make it up with this year's freshman class?

The Good
Perennial hottie Zach Blom, while still hott, will probably miss the All-Hottie Team this year, since he cut his hair, which is a tragedy. Freshman forward Tyler Ruegsegger joins the Good list this year. Freshman defender Keith Seabrook, while nowhere near Matt Carle's hottness, also makes the Good list. Who knows? 3 years from now, he could be at the top of his game, too.
There were a few people last year who felt like I overlooked Pioneers goaltender Glenn Fisher, and evidently, I did. With a much better picture this year, he's in the running for the All-Hottie Team. I mean, he's got dimples!

The Bad
Several DU players were on the hottness bubble this year. I might have picked Cody Brockwell, if he didn't look like he wore basketball jerseys as shirts and drove a Bronco with tricked out lighting that shakes with the bass from his stereo as he drives around campus. Steven Cook has been a hottie contender before, but there's something I can't put my finger on that holds him back from his true potential. Patrick Mullen has that same issue. If TJ Fast had cracked a smile, maybe he'd have made it. Same for Mike Handza. Somehow, I don't think that would have helped Brandon Vossberg.
Remember, guys, hair is important. Brian Gifford should grow longer hair, so it covers his ears. J.D. Corbin could have made it if he didn't have bed head. And Tom May should have showered more than 30 seconds before the photo was taken, or used a hair dryer.
Some people told me I should have included Chris Butler and Peter Mannino on the Hottie list last year, but I respectfully disagree. And I guess an argument could be made for J.P. Testwuide, Andrew Thomas, or Brock Trotter, but it wouldn't be a very strong one.
And what would a Bad list be without a celebrity look-alike? This time it's third-string goaltender Danny King, channeling Matthew Perry. Yeesh. I guess you could also include Julian Marcuzzi in this category, since he looks like Ogie Oglethorpe from Slap Shot. And Adrian Veideman looks like Dave "Killer" Carlson.
And then, there's the "other" bubble. Where you just miss being on the Ugly list. Rhett Rakhshani, Ryan Dingle, Matt Glasser, and Ryan Helgason, you're on notice.

The Ugly
The only member of the Pioneers team to make the Ugly list this year is the Big Ugly himself, Geoff Paukovich. Don't think there will be any arguments to the contrary.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UAA

Following up the UND Hottie Review, we look all the way up to Anchorage to see if, after one hundred years behind the mask, we've got any hotties.

The Good
RWD has always loved UAA goaltender Nathan Lawson, and this year is no exception. Who could resist that mischievous smile? Another perennial Hottie is Merit Waldrop, who is still hott, although he's looked better. He's lucky, since we've already seen it's not easy to stay on the Hottie list.
Someone who has flown beneath the Hott Radar but suddenly appeared as a contact is junior Peter Cartwright. Rounding out the Good list are freshmen Ryan Berry, who reminds me of Mark McGrath, and Ken Selby, even though he looks a little scary with his boot camp haircut and thousand-yard stare.
I will say this, all the Seawolves looked sharp in their pictures. They might not have looked attractive, but they were all dressed nicely and looked very professional.

The Bad
Oh, there were a lot of them that didn't quite cut it. Charlie Kronschnabel has been on the bubble for the past few seasons. If it wasn't for that 5:00 shadow, Chris Tarkir might have made the cut. If his cheeks were just a touch less chubby, Mike Rosset could have made it. Next year could be Mat Robinson's year. If only Jay Beagle had just smiled.
Following with the "It's bad to look like a celebrity" theme, Chad Anderson bears a striking resemblance to David Duchovny. And in the weird hair category, we have Paul Crowder.
And there were some that didn't leave an impression. Kevin Clark, Nils Backstrom, Josh Lunden, Jon Olthuis, Trevor Hunt, or Jared Tuton, for example, which is understandable, since they're freshmen. Don't worry guys, this league will make men out of you, just wait and see. That doesn't excuse Shane Lovdahl or Adam Corrin.
Finally, there were some that didn't even come close to making it. Like, Luke Beaverson. Or the pasty Mark Smith. Maybe Justin "Soul Patch" Bourne. Thuggish Blair Tassone. Nick Lowe.

The Ugly
There weren't any horribly offensive pictures this year, so the Seawolves squeaked by without any Uglies. Lucky for them.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UND

Next up for the Hottie Preview are the boys from the Fighting Sioux.

The Good
I know there's been a lot of talk about if he will live up to his brother's achievements, but one thing is for sure: Darcy Zajac is absolutely smokin'. I mean, wow. T.Z. never looked that good.
Another little brother I'm putting on the Good list is Chay Genoway, not because he is super handsome, but because he overcame such great odds, being the brother of Corpse Colby.
All-Hottie Freshman Team Honoree Taylor Chorney and teammate Michael Forney make the list not only because they are good-looking, but because their names rhyme with... each other's. (*Wink*) Freshmen Hunter Bishop, Anthony Grieco, and Chris VandeVelde round out what is probably the Hottest Freshman Class Ever. And to that, I say, Welcome Freshmen!

The Bad
So, it looks like sophomores, juniors, and seniors have something to prove. T.J. Oshie, Kyle Radke, and RWD Fave Chris Porter were all hotties last season (Porter is a two-time honoree), but took giant steps backwards this year. I'm hoping to see evidence to the contrary as the season rolls on.
Several players have taken steps forward, but not quite to the Hottie level. Brian Lee is rocking the pastels in his photo this year, which I can appreciate, but it doesn't quite work when you're super pale with practically white hair. However, he is lookin' better than last year. Robbie Bina, Jonathon Toews, Ryan Duncan, Brad Miller and Philippe Lamoureux all made improvements as well.
Zach Jones, Erik Fabian, and Ryan Martens didn't improve in the Hottness category, but at least they didn't slip any, like teammates Andrew Kozek, Aaron Walski, and Matt Watkins.

The Ugly
Scott Foyt looks like Lew Ford, and that ain't good, buddy.
Joe Finley needs to A.) smile and B.) see a waxer about those eyebrows. Eyebrows kept Marty Sertich from being considered a Hottie, although Joe's situation isn't quite the same.
And Rylan Kaip has a comb over. Enough said.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UMD

The first stop in our Hottie Preview is, of course, the UMD Bulldogs.

The Good
A definite candidate for the WCHA All-Hottie Freshman Squad is defenseman Trent Palm. I had to look twice, but Trent definitely has a certain je ne sais quoi. I guess he also was a member of the National Hottie Development Program.
Alex Stalock and Logan Gorsalitz prove that, if you just smiled, for crying out loud, it will do wonders for you.
I looked at Ryan Geris's roster photo and I was like "ugggh," thinking the poor guy was destined for the Bad list, but then I saw another photo of him on the 'Dogs website, and he looked smokin', so here he is on the Good list instead.

The Bad
People who look like someone's kid brother can not be considered a hottie. This includes Chase Ryan, Mitch Ryan, and Andrew Carroll. Normally, I would say a year in the WCHA can take care of this sort of issue, but then again, Carroll is a sophomore.
Consequently, if you look bizarrely old for your age, Nate Ziegelmann, it doesn't work for me either.
Jordan Fulton needs more of a bad boy edge, because I think he's got serious potential in the Hottie category. We already know he is an amazing hockey player.
Jason Garrison and Drew Akins just didn't impress. I don't have anything to say, negative or positive.
Michael Gergen was a disappointment. We all know Michael's my favorite current Bulldog, and it pains me to put him on the Bad list, but I'm not going to pull any punches.
Resemblance to celebrities is a good thing... unless you're resembling not-so-attractive celebrities. Mason Raymond channels Gary Sinise, while Mike Curry is becoming more and more Cusack-esque, and neither is a good thing.
Memo to Matt McKnight: Did you even change your photo this year?
If you don't smile, you end up on the Bad list, which is what happened to Matt Greer, Josh Meyers, and former All-Hottie Freshman Team Honoree MacGregor Sharp (who looks near tears).
Josh Johnson and Jeff McFarland may not have made the Good list, but they have certainly stepped it up for their senior year. Let's hope that happens on the ice, too. Travis Gawryletz, Jay Cascalenda, and Nick Kemp all deserve a round of applause for making drastic improvements in their hair, if nothing else.

The Ugly
These people aren't ugly, for sure, but people, friends don't let friends get away with horrible hair. [Matt] Nisky [Niskanen] has this jacked up slicked back thing going on, making it look like he came from diving practice, and the only hockey player who went to diving practice was Robbie Earl. I saw this picture of Matt on the WJC page last year, and he had on a hat and his hair was sticking out from under it in curls and I was like "Hello, darlin'," and I really had high hopes for this year's photo.
Another serious hair mistake came from an All-Hottie Second Team Honoree, Bryan McGregor. Long hair is not for everyone, and just because Steve Czech is gone, it doesn't mean you need to try to look like him. I don't forsee a repeat on the hottie list for Bryan.

I know it seems like I was probably a little tough on my guys, but this is the WCHA, people. The standard is set high. I'm certainly not going to play any favorites here, just because the Bulldogs are my team.

Bookkeeping

Just a few tidbits of interest:

First, I lost my birthday list, and so I was remiss in wishing some 'Dogs Happy Birthday.
So, major apologies, a rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday," and some Irish Car Bombs* to
Jordan Fulton (19 on 12 September)
Mason Raymond (21 on 17 September)
MacGregor Sharp (21 on 1 October)
Mike Curry (22 on 20 September) (I know, I know, how could I have missed Mike's birthday??? I'm lame.)

*for those of age, of course

Second, since I like having countdowns and things, I announce the following:
Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total (current value = 26)
and
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total (current value = 11)
Exhibition games will not be counted. Duh.

Third, we will be having a competition between my "guys," the RWD favorites on the team, to see who gets the most points. Again, exhibition games will not count, although I considered counting them, since Mike Curry already has a point. The winner gets nothing, except the satisfaction of simultaneously getting lots of points and getting liked by me. This is a little similar to the B.O.D. at Bat-Girl, although not really, since it's only between players and not members of this site. It's also a lot more positive than the Hater Report, although that was for other WCHA teams. No 'Dogs were at any time on the Hater Report.
The competitors are:
Michael Gergen
Matt McKnight
Matt Niskanen
Mike Curry

Huh. 4 guys, 2 names. Weird. Now, points are accumulated by getting goals and assists (big surprise!), so I realize this might put a few people at somewhat of a disadvantage. The point really isn't winning, though. The point is, these are my favorite 'Dogs, and it's an honor just to be nominated.

Fourth, there will be some sort of Hottie Preview for the WCHA this year. Team by team analysis of what's going on so far. Note that Hotties are selected by their roster photo ONLY, unless evidence to the contrary is submitted. (Those of you lobbying for R.J. or Staffy could have helped their cases that way.) Look for the 'Dogs Hottie Preview soon.

That will be all. I must return to work on the Top Secret Off-Season Project, which has continued into the actual season.

I'm Just Crabby To Be Here

The Twins lost. Good lord.

Good thing it's hockey season.

HockeyBack

Oh yes, I went there.

So, the 'Dogs made all my dreams come true tonight. Okay, there was no hatty, no shorty, but I'm cool with that. Granted, I didn't actually LISTEN TO THE GAME. I flew home from work, all ready to run with the 'Dogs, and then WARPRADIO WOULDN'T WORK and I suffered an unforseen mutation of The Rage, called The Internet Rage. It was very stressful, though it was the only stressful part of the evening. Except for the Wild, who decided to let the game get tied, but they did win in overtime, which was great. And I don't stress out too much for the Wild, anyway.

Special thanks to Heiz from tPB for doing his best to help me find a solution to my internet problem. Let's hope it was a freak incident and next weekend I'll be able to listen to the game instead of chomping at the bit for updates.

Anyway, how awesome was that win??? 3 for 6 on the power play, 6 for 6 on the penalty kill, 17 different 'Dogs combining for 8 freaking goals. Brilliant!

RWD Fave Michael Gergen was on fire with 2 goals and an assist, with freshman Jordan Fulton just behind him in points with 2 goals. Ryan Geris, Andrew Carroll, and Jeff McFarland had two assists. Speedster Mason Raymond, defensive assassin Jason Garrison, Logan Gorsalitz, and Drew Akins scored the remainder of the goals. To round out the scoring, All-WCHA Freshman Hottie MacGregor Sharp, Nick "Kemper the Wrecker" Kemp, Matt McKnight, Josh Meyers, Mike "Offensive Machine" Curry, All-WCHA Hottie Bryan McGregor, Travis "Growler" Gawryletz, and RWD Fave Matt Niskanen each had an assist.

Trent Palm, Jay Cascalenda, Matt Greer and Mitch Ryan were the only 'Dogs who didn't have a goal or an assist, but I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say they were also awesome. Chase Ryan was the lone scratch.

In goal, Josh Johnson started the game, but was relieved by Nate Ziegelmann for the second period, and Alex Stalock brought us home, giving up the lone Lakehead goal with 1:45 to go in the third. That goal was probably a rookie mistake he'll never make again. Hats off to all three goalies, and to our defensemen for holding Lakehead to 24 shots on goal, with only one squeaking by.

I wish I was more exhilarated, but missing the offensive onslaught to open the season kind of took the wind out of my sails, so to speak. Granted, we totally rocked, and all I know about is the good stuff, so I'm thrilled!!!!

WE WON! WE WON! WE TOTALLY FREAKING WON!!!

Wooo! There we go! There's that enthusiasm I was talking about.

Looking ahead, we've got UMass-Lowell on our plate next. I hope we shook all our sillies out tonight, and will be ready to bring it when UMass rolls in. I mean, we've already won a game, which is way better than last season!

LET'S GO 'DOGS!!!!!!!

Domestic Violence

Sweet Georgia Brown, there's gonna be some hockey tonight!

(Yes, a Thursday night. It's annoying. I have to take personal time from work, since I PLANNED for the Friday night games, but somehow overlooked Thursday night as a potential game night. Wonder why...)

All I have to say is, this better be the best M-Fing exhibition game in the history of exhibition games. We're talking hat tricks, power play goals, shorties, a total blow-out. We had better smoke Lakehead worse than we smoked Yale or Bemidji State.

Because I can't handle any more stress. And neither can our furniture.

Yesterday, I watched the Frank Thomas Show Twins Farce Game and I nearly threw myself off the balcony. Granted, if I threw myself off my balcony, I would barely be injured, but it would be a symbolic gesture, like those people who set themselves on fire in protest. Except they actually get hurt/die. Right. Well, it seems the Twins are as inept at converting with runners in scoring position as the Bulldogs were at scoring on the power play. (Zing!) When Jason Bartlett botched a double play, doubled, nearly got picked off, messed up running to third, and then was stranded on third when no one bothered to get another hit, I beat the hell out of my couch.

This is bad, because it's not technically my couch. Pretty soon it will legally become one of my possessions, which isn't that exciting, considering it rivals Bruno Kirby's "Stupid Roy Rogers Wagon Wheel Coffee Table" in tackiness, but the point is, I shouldn't be beating the hell out of anything that isn't mine, even if it's only a technicality.

This is not my first outburst of Violence Against Furniture. In 2004, after the 'Dogs lost in the Frozen Four, I pounded the crap out of the door to my bedroom, ironically breaking my very cool "I Am So Not In The Mood" doorknob hanger, and scaring my roommates and some unsuspecting visitor in the process. People in central Illinois do not understand the Hockey Rage.

Please, Bulldogs. Hockey Rage is very hazardous to the health of my possessions (and pseudo-possessions). It is also probably hazardous to my health, but that's a secondary matter. Please do not cause a flare-up of Hockey Rage. I've already got a serious case of Baseball Rage that just won't be tamed, and it's going to send me to an early grave. Please, Bulldogs. Win one for your favorite girl.

And win one for the chair in the office quivering in fear that I may go all Koskie on it if the Baseball Rage continues.


How's that for a motivational speech? Look out, Mike Eruzione!
Also, I did not watch today's Twins game, since I was working, but I'm quite sure I probably would have died if I had. I've actually witnessed an inside the park homerun at the Metrodome before, but let me assure you, it was the Twins getting it. That's the only kind my poor nerves can tolerate.

Calling Out Around the World

Ugh. That song's been driving me crazy, since those Macy's commercials have been on television almost constantly.

BUT...

I have been called out by my #1 Favorite Reader, Drop The Puck! (who now goes by Donald, probably because he is constantly arguing with "anonymous" posters about identifying themselves. It is eerie because my name is, as you may know, the feminized version of his) for being LAZY and then trying to use physics to excuse my laziness. I would argue that it wasn't an excuse but a scientifically proven fact, as my posting velocity was ZERO and thus no matter the mass, my momentum was also ZERO. I would also like to point out there are people much lazier than I was this summer.

DTP/Donald also commented later pondering if he was the only person in Anchorage who closely followed my one-sided war with LaP. I would respond he is probably the only person in the galaxy who even pays attention.

BUT...

on that note, I saw LaP tonight at Rally Monday at Peavey Plaza. It was pretty moto, for sure, with Kent Hrbek ready to party and Nick Punto firing us up and Scott Leius looking strangely hott (much hotter than in 1991). I teared up a little at the Kirby Puckett montage, glared at small children, and pondered the meaning of life. The playoffs start tomorrow, and I am SO EXCITED!!!

BUT...

This site ain't about baseball. It's about hockey, and the season has "started." I say that in quotation marks because it hasn't really started, it's all exhibition, but hockey is hockey. As Brad put it, "exhibition hockey > no hockey." (I would never use the greater than/less than signs myself, as it reeks of the endless posturing by UMTC/UND fans, but I can't help what others do.) The 'Dogs haven't played yet, but THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE, COMRADES. THE REVOLUTION IS COMING.

I have been asked to give Western College Hockey a series preview each week, which is supposed to be done on Fridays, but our game isn't ON a Friday, so I'm going to do it while I can. I still have a bunch of programming to do and baseball to watch and work to attend to, so I'd better do this while I can.

Thursday, 5 OCT 2006
The Bulldogs will host the Lakehead University (it's in Thunder Bay, ONT, Canada, in case you've never heard of it and don't want to use Google) Thunderwolves for an unorthodox Thursday game. Whoever does the scheduling for Lakehead was half in the bag when they planned their upcoming weekend: Thursday in Duluth, Friday in Houghton, and Saturday in Sault Ste. Marie. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun. Lakehead will be at their best for the 'Dogs, since they will be just starting their road trip.
The Thunderwolves are coming off two losses to the AHL's Manitoba Moose, 3-0 and 8-1, which seems pretty rough. They've got 3 goalies on their roster, and I would assume at least 2 will be playing, if not all 3, to prevent fatigue. Chris Whitley is the only veteran goaltender they have (if I have the conversion from the metric correct, eligibility year 1 would mean freshman, 2 is sophomore, 3 is junior, 4 is senior, and 5 is super senior, which is evidently okay in Canada), and he made 99 saves in the 2 games against the Moose. That's a song by Nena, people. Neunundneunzig Speichert. So, it seems they have some defensive issues. We can relate, right? But, I hope, not anymore!
Look for the 'Dogs to use Josh Johnson, Alex Stalock, and Nate Ziegelmann in goal for this game, since there is no definitive starter as yet. Speculation abounds as to who will play, and on what line, and all that jazz, but I don't have any predictions at this point. They would do well to pair McKnight and Raymond together. The key right now is to shoot the puck often, as the Thunderwolves defense seems to be leakier than our old canoe. I would definitely prefer we stay out of the penalty box, as I don't have a whole lot of confidence in our PK. After a little more practice, I hope I'll be able to talk about our special teams without adding "in the short bus way." It would be nice to start the season off with a win, even if it is an exhibition game. Hey, look at the Nanooks, the Teenagers beat them, and exhibition or not, that's not exactly a confidence booster. I predict a Bulldogs win, but it won't be a blow-out.

Gopher Hockey Preview

What the????

I know, I know, but I'm desperate here.

And I'm referring to the FSN North TV special, not an actual Gopher Preview.

Positives
EJ much hotter than PK.
Ryan Potulny barely mentioned.
Holy Cross mentioned several times, including to Lucia.
TJ Oshie shown (!) scoring on Kellen Briggs. (TJ and Toews were touted as the next Sertich-Sterling duo.)
Woog selects Bulldogs to be in the top 5 in the conference.
The analysts think the Gophers will be playing "Wisconsin-style" hockey (which is an insult to Gophers and their fans, not that Wisconsin sucks or anything* but to be labeled Wisconsin-style anything isn't good.)

Negatives
"WCHA Preview" discussed UND, UMTC, and UW. With a passing mention to Denver losing Matt Carle, who wasn't even called by name. Yeah, that's a great preview.
Holy Cross was mentioned more times than UMD. They even forgot to mention UMD when they were reading off the Oct/Nov schedule.
LaP was on the show.
The show was not Bulldog Hockey Preview.
The show existed at all.

*Of course, it's always better to be dead than red.