Ticker

Okay, so I underestimated my readership by, like, 2 people. Sorry, RW77. I can't count that high on one hand.

Recently, Interested Parties contacted me via covert communications to ask if I would be doing a hottie preview this year. After the request was filtered through the Canadian-to-Normal-English translat-o-matic, I nearly tore my hair out of my head at the mere memory of what I went through last year with my ten team whirlwind WCHA hottie preview. Dear god, the ugliness. Also, it totally made me look like a loser jersey-chasing fan-girl. I may be a loser and a total fan-girl, but I AM NOT CHASING JERSEYS. If I found myself in proximity to a jersey, I would be running the other way. I stalk from afar, comrades.

But yet, as I get so very, very few requests from my readers, and most of those requests are to stop blogging and die, so when a real request reaches me, I'm more than happy to finally have something to freakin' write about oblige. This year, instead of doing tGtBatA, I'll be doing something different. I give you:

The Dow Jones Memorial Hottie Stock Report

This year, in an attempt to be a kinder person (and I know Satan just saw a few snowflakes falling when I wrote that), instead of labeling people as Ugly or Heinous or, rarely, Not Ugly, I'll be using relative terms such as Less Uggo or More Uggo, as compared to last year. If I wanted to be nicer, I would maybe say Less Hott or More Hott, but that is a pretty big if, folks.

Freshman Class
(obvs. freshmen have no comparison from last year, but I couldn't exclude them. We will just say they are all hotter, because becoming a D1 hockey player makes you hotter, even if you're Colby Genoway, Ugliest Man Ever.)
Rob Bordson: Well, hello, lovah. If every hockey player looked like you, I would do an All-WCHA Hottie Preview.
Cody Danberg: Cody totally wants to sell me something. I see he's an undecided major. Ooh, ooh! Cody! Major in marketing or something!
Justin Fontaine: Justin is rocking the SJP hair from Sex and the City.
Chad Huttel: I don't know if it's my computer or the picture, but Chad's hair is totally pixellated or something. It looks like Larry decided to Photoshop in some raindrops or something. His hair is as dewy as grass in the morning.
Mike Montgomery: Mike looks like he is hiding something, both from the expression on his face, and from the lack of bio. I see he is from Lino Lakes. Maybe he is a prison escapee. Monte, get on that bio (although Monte will write that he is the next Crosby).
Evan Oberg: Evan appears to have just removed swim goggles. His face is very creased. He also looks like a guy I really liked in junior high, so we have an instant rapport.
Kenny Reiter: For a non-Robby Nolan goalie, Kenny is not bad. Sunburned, but not bad. Next time, smile, honey.
Kyle Schmidt: Kyle is possibly Mike Montgomery's partner in crime. He is so plotting something. I the plot is growing his hair out. Ladies love the curls.

Sophomore Class
Drew Akins: Drew is MORE HOTT. He looks like he wants to kill me, but hey, get in line, pal.
Jordan Fulton: Jordy is MORE HOTT. He must have read my criticism from last year, and has a five o'clock shadow to try to make him look older. Shout out to me!
Logan Gorsalitz: MORE HOTT. Logan is looking fiiiiiiiine, awww yeah. And no one paid me to say that. Although I do take Porsches as currency. This is one instance in which Not Smiling is acceptable.
Trent Palm: LESS HOTT. The chin is too Jay Leno for me.
Chase Ryan: MORE HOTT. Chase has discovered the beautiful skin under his acne with Proactiv Solutions.
Alex Stalock: LESS HOTT. The pre-mutton chops are weird, and worse than regular mutton chops.

Junior Class
Andrew Carroll: MORE HOTT. He, too, is showing the scruff to mature his face a little.
Jay Cascalenda: MORE HOTT. The spikes aren't so scary this year.
Jason Garrison: MORE HOTT. Like, potential All-Hottie Team hott.
Michael Gergen: MORE HOTT. Whoa, mama. I need a cigarette.
Matt Greer: MORE HOTT. Um, I don't know. Work on that tie knot, sailor.
Nick Kemp: MORE HOTT. Although, he has a near mullet. See a doctor about that, sweetie.
Josh Meyers: EVEN. Didn't he have longer hair last year? Bring that back.
MacGregor Sharp: I DON'T KNOW. I can't decide. He is weirdly morphing into another Bulldog player from a few years ago, but I can't quite figure out who. I'll have more on this later.

Senior Class
Mike Curry: MORE HOTT. He is less Cusack-esque this year. However, he looks toasted. Nicely toasted.
Travis Gawryletz: MORE HOTT. I wrote an essay about this picture called Two Treatises on Gawryletz, but I will not post it here, as it is longer than War and Peace. I guess I wouldn't say that morphing into the Charles Manson of werewolves is actually hott, he looks so damn awesome I must give him props.
Matt McKnight: EVEN. Fearless Leader looks the same every year. If you recall, I had to check last year to make sure he had not re-used his sophomore photo. This year I didn't have that problem, as he is def. wearing something different.
Nate Ziegelmann: EVEN. I have a feeling that by the time he is 50, Ziggy will actually look like Ziggy the comic strip character.

OVERALL, it looks to be a bull market for this year's Bulldogs. Yum!