I think it's awesome that someone was actually led to this site by searching for Anthony LaPanta. Possibly even La P himself! What a huge letdown for whoever was led here (although maybe not! Welcome, fellow La P hater!)
On a side note, La P has got some messed up hair going lately. More so than usual.
I realize that maybe some of my more recent posts have been, um, a little heavy on the fantasy elements. And while I enjoy writing pieces that have absolutely no basis in reality, it's symptomatic of 1. weather that's hot enough to make you kill someone and 2. a total lack of hockey.
But!!! No more!!! This post is absolutely, completely, 100% the absolute gospel truth!!! Yes!!! Exclamation points!!!
Monday, Monday. It wasn't the best of days. Sunday night, sometime between 7 p.m. and midnight, one of my dear pet birds and fellow 'Dogs fan (yes, he listened attentively to all the games over the internet when I was living in a teeny-tiny apartment in Champaign, IL) died. Monday I took him back to my home and buried him, which was sad (and not easy! Try digging a grave in 90-degree weather!)
I still had hope that Monday was going to be a great day. Why??? Because I was Going To See Actual Hockey. I heard about the Minnesota 4 on 4 Hockey Pro/College League through the college hockey grapevine (probably The UMD Penalty Box) and decided to go over and check out some of the 'Dogs players, new and old. It was going to be a fun day, I was certain.
It was pouring down rain when I jumped in Mr. Zippy (the vehicle that replaced the Grocery Getter of Death) and headed out on 62E for West St. Paul. Anyone who is going to chastise me for taking 62E during rush hour should know that I didn't even know where West St. Paul WAS until Monday (I had a ROUGH idea... you know, west of St. Paul), so I had to put all my trust in Mapquest. I sat in traffic for heaven knows how long, and then once I got out of traffic, I made a wrong turn. I figured it out almost immediately, as I ended up in some teeny tiny town that looked straight out of central Illinois, which is scary. The arena was easy enough to find, but since I thought I already missed the first game, I'd go find some place to eat.
Here's the real truth: I drive like a jerk. Not a cut you off, tailgate, refuse to let you merge jerk. Just a where the heck am I going, oh wait that was a curb, hmm now I missed my turn, let's do this all again...twice kind of jerk. (Typical woman driver, you say? Oh no, honey, I am not typical at all. On the road, I'm just scary.) All I wanted was a m-f McDonald's, but it wasn't meant to be. After driving over 2 curbs, I ended up at the local B.K. Six of one, I guess.
I went back to the arena only to discover the first game was still going on. Excellent! I was giddy (giddy!!!) at the thought of seeing Team #2's All-Star Awesome Guy (sarcasm does not count as a lie!), none other than Dan "Zero Points" Kronick himself. I picked up a program and started checking off numbers on the roster. Okay, there's Bobby G. in net (giving up 11 goals and still pulling out the win in OT... oddly familiar), and Nate Dey (potentially a hottie for next year? Hmmm...), and T.J. McElroy, and over on the other team, Mike Zacharias is in net, oh, hey there Evan Kaufmann I HATE YOU how's it going? and... and... WHERE WAS HE? WHERE WAS KRONICK???? WHAT HAPPENED??? What a disappointment.
Fine, whatever, I don't need to see the White All-St. Cloud All-Night Competitive Eating Team (sponsored by Seattle Sutton's Healthy Eating) vs. the Gold Ivy League/Misc. Minnesota Lodge Historians (sponsored by Pine Beach Lodge) in their Overtime Power Play Extravaganza. I wanted to see some 'Dogs.
There was another dude there wearing some UMD gear, but we sort of awkwardly avoided each other. I had a UMD sweatshirt on when I went into the actual rink, but I was also rockin' the sequins and designer jeans, because hey, I can be fabulous! even at a hockey game. Or a semi-game, with only 5 players a side and no checking. While the Blue and Maroon (!!!) teams stretched on the ice, I fielded a call from DA who was in the vicinity and was coming to join me. I feigned an intimate knowledge of southeastern suburbia and directed him. "Don't you know where Robert Street is??? Geez, it's soooo easy." I mean, like, come on Dad, get with the freaking program or something, DUH!!!
Okay, back in the ice arena, the game started, and I started checking off guys. Hmm... there's some dork from junior hockey... and there's a guy from D3 hockey, and yep, that guy's from Maine, but who's this guy? His number isn't on the roster! What? Neither is this guy!
And one by one, I checked off each of the 22 players there... and there wasn't a single Bulldog among them. I suppose there could be a few, wearing the wrong jerseys, but the whole POINT of a JERSEY and a ROSTER THAT WAS PRINTED OUT BY THE GUYS WHO RUN THIS THING is for those of us who don't know/can't tell what a player LOOKS LIKE to IDENTIFY THEM for the purposes of STALKING SCOUTING.
So I'm sorry. I don't have anything to report, I didn't get a sneak peak at Palm or Akins, didn't get to see Carroll or Greer, and didn't get to take a walk down memory lane with Hambly. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO GLARE AT DAN KRONICK UNTIL HE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED.
Ugh.
P.S. Bruce, I think they made this league just for your wife... 4 on 4, the whole time!
A tale of misery and deceit
In the ancient times, there was a merry band of men who played a game called hockye, the sport of gods. Hockye consisted of twelve men, divided into two "Teames," who met upon a sheet of ice to determine, with spears and a stone in the shape of a cylinder, who was the most dominant in the land. The sport of hockye was spread throughout the land, even to the desolate regions at the top of the world.
But away from the civilized villages of the lower latitudes, the teames were without order and discipline. Many of their leaders were decapitated following disappointing matches, and many of the followers disappeared, never to be heard from again.
One day in the early spring, as the Teame known as the Wolves of the Sea was on a sheet of ice in a small settlement in one of the far corners of the earth. It was a place where ships would go to anchor before returning to their home ports with curious goods from the mysterious and faraway lands to which they travelled. The Teame was honing their skills for their next contest, whenever it might be that another Teame would pass their way. Their leader had abandoned them some time ago, disappearing on a ship bound for the storied home of the Rodents of Gold, known as the Land of Sky-Tinted Waters. The Teame was in disarray. Their last stone had been worn down so thin it could break at any time, and their spears were lashed together with seaweed as they had split in two many a time.
Suddenly, a great roar came from what seemed to be underneath the ice, and the men were filled with fear. Smoke rose from the ice such as they had never seen before, blue with the peculiar smell the clothing the men wore took on after they finished a hockye contest. A man appeared before them, if you could call him a man, for his eyes looked as though they were hockye stones themselves, and he had horns and a tail and arms made from hockye spears.
"Blimey!" Lord Beaverson, originally from the kingdom of Great Britain, shouted. "It's Davy Jones Shyiak!" And a gasp of horror rose up from the Teame.
"SSSSSIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLEEEEEENNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEE!" The creature boomed. But Lord Beaverson was right, it was indeed Davy Jones Shyiak, the devil that lurked in the ice of hockye. When hockye men were killed during a contest, it was said that the monster stole their souls on the brink of death and enlisted them on his Teame of the Undead, where they would serve one hundred years.
The Teame, whose members had barely eaten in weeks and who were festering with sores, had known their time was nigh, but when faced with their own mortality, they cowered. Shyiak advanced on them, and one of his spear-like arms reached out and pierced Chadwick von Andersonn in the chest. "Will ye choose mortality, or will ye spare thyself the depths of oblivion and join my Teame?" he hissed at poor Chadwick. The man shook with fear, and was barely able to stutter out a "y-y-y-y-es, I w-w-wi-will j-j-j-join you." And one by one, the Teame fell into servitude under the cruel master.
The Teame was forced into grueling hockye contests against all manner of unnatural creatures: goblins, ghouls, zombies, and Nanooks. Their spirits were broken, as well as their bodies. But the youngest and strongest of the Teame, a man by the name of Erich Walskinsen, stood before the master and defied him. "I will no longer compete for this Teame, for I have helped place many stones behind the Keeper and I believe that I have earned my freedom."
The cruel overlord Shyiak and his henchman, the Cobblin, laughed, a horrible, joyless sound. "But the stones ye have placed do not matter, for ye have promised us one hundred years, and ye have completed but one." And they tossed him aside. And so he toiled on.
But the word spread throughout the land that the Wolves of the Sea had been swallowed up by the Ice Devil, and it reached the Land of the Sky-Tinted Waters. The leaders of the Teame of the Rodents of Gold got together and discussed the situation.
"Well," said Don Lucio von Hedgehog, "the Wolves of the Sea were hardly a worthy adversary. Many of them laid down their spears refused to fight against our mighty Rodents of Gold. Mayhap they are better off with Shyiak."
"That may be true," replied von Hedgehog's second, who was none other than the scourge of the Wolves of the Sea, their former leader, Hillion auf der Bald, "but there is one that is worth saving. Erich Walskinsen, he would put many stones behind Keepers if we enlisted him on our Teame." And von Hedgehog, trusting in his aide's knowledge, allowed auf der Bald to pursue young Walskinsen and release him from slavery.
But when auf der Bald found the Teame of the Damned, he found even the power of the Rodent could not overcome the evil of Shyiak and the Cobblin. "You dare to come before Davy Jones Shyiak and demand the release of one member of his Teame?" the Cobblin cackled. "You will never succeed!" And he cast Hillion out of the realm.
The Cobblin called upon Walskinsen. "How did this man, auf der Bald, discover you were trying to escape? Did you tell him?" Walskinsen did not answer. "You will be punished for this! I banish you to the Striped Orange Cats of the Mountains, where you will be doomed to never become the most dominant in the land, for they have not been the most dominant in the land in many years! And you will finish out your servitude there, never to play for the Rodents of Gold in the Land of Sky-Tinted Waters!"
And that, my friends, is where the story ends, for now.
In case you didn't notice, The Aaaalleged Webmaster injected some botulism toxin into this site, and it looks a little different. A little stiff, a little plastic, maybe, but fresh and young, definitely! Big round of applause!!!
Not included in the links? Post a comment, and all will be well.
Here's a tip: hold your cursor over each link to see what I really think of you.
Okay, I would like to know just who said it was okay to look like this. Remember when you looked like this, and you won All-Hottie First Team Honors? NO ONE SAID YOU COULD HAVE A HOCKEY MULLET. Sheesh.
Meanwhile, being de topscoorder van de Nederlandse competitie has been kind to TJ, taking him from this to this.
Huh.
All together now: "Woo Hoo!"
Thought you read the article closely? Well, we read the fine print. Here's what it really says.
University of Minnesota Duluth head men’s hockey coach Scott Sandelin has signed a three-year contract extension that will keep him behind the Bulldog bench through the 2009-10 season, it was announced today by UMD Director of Intercollegiate Athletics Bob Nielson. Assistant Coach Runninwiththedogs will continue her position, as well.
The agreement calls for Sandelin to receive an annual base salary of $130,000. Runninwiththedogs declined a salary, saying "Just knowing that I am always right about everything is all that I need." Plus, her day job no longer erodes her soul.
“We very pleased with the leadership Scott has provided to our men’s hockey program and are encouraged about what lies ahead for the Bulldogs, ” said Nielson. “He’s continually demonstrated the ability to bring in top quality student-athletes -- young men who excel both on the ice and in the classroom. As for RWD, she's got the brains and the creativity to come up with some of the greatest strategies the game has ever seen. We're pleased to see her backing up Sandelin on the bench."
In his six seasons with the Bulldogs, Sandelin, the 2003-04 Spencer Penrose Award recipient (American Hockey Coaches Association NCAA I Coach of the Year), has helped thrust the UMD program back firmly into the national forefront. In addition to compiling an overall record of 96-122-26, including a 76-70-19 mark since the start of the 2002-03 season, he has taken UMD to three of the past four WCHA Final Five Tournaments. In 2004-05, the Bulldogs were named the preseason league favorite in the Grand Forks Herald WCHA Coaches Poll for the first time ever and, in mid-October, occupied the No. 1 spot in a national poll (uscho.com/cstv and the USA Today/USA Hockey Magazine) for the first time in 15 years. Over the Christmas Holidays that year, Sandelin displayed his coaching wares on the international stage as the head coach of Team USA at the 2004 World Junior Hockey Championships. Three years ago, Sandelin turned UMD into a NCAA Frozen Four participant for the first time in nearly a generation and shepherded the Bulldogs to their most victories (they were 28-13-4 in all outings) and highest WCHA finish (second place on a 19-7-2 mark) since the 1992-93 season. UMD also sported the nation’s second-highest scoring team, and, during the course of the year, pieced together a school-record 14-game unbeaten streak. For his efforts, he was chosen the WCHA Coach of the Year as well as the national coach of the year by both insidecollegehockey.com and uscho.com. Sandelin’s 2002-03 Bulldogs racked up their best overall mark (22-15-5) in a decade while experiencing the greatest one-year turnaround of any WCHA club that winter.
In all, the 41-year old Hibbing, Minn., native has produced one Hobey Baker Memorial Award winner (Junior Lessard in 2003-04), two NCAA I All-Americans, and eight All-WCHA selections.
The 20-awesome year-old RWD, born in St. Paul, first launched the premiere site for Bulldogs hockey analysis during the 2004-2005 season. Since then, the team has struggled, with a 26-42-10 record and two finishes in the bottom half of the WCHA, leading some Bulldog fans to speculate it was her fault. However, RWD has written many awesome posts, participated in two roundtable discussions, and the team has produced three WCHA All-Hotties. Her first coaching season was rocky, with the 9th place finish and 11-25-4 record, but this upcoming season should be a great improvement.
The 2006-07 Bulldogs will return some 17 lettermen -- including nine of their top 11 scorers -- from last year’s club, which went 11-25-4 overall and 6-19-3 in the WCHA.
“I’m excited about the future of this hockey program,” said Sandelin, whose 2006-07 roster will include 10 National Hockey League draftees. “And, I am extremely appreciative for getting the opportunity to continue being a part of it.”
"This year is going to rock," said RWD, "both on the ice and on the net. I'm thrilled to get this opportunity, and I hope that my plan can be implemented as soon as possible."
In case anyone is interested, I'll be going to some of the Minnesota 4 on 4 Hockey League games to scout out some new and returning 'Dogs, along with some of the competition and some former WCHA players who are now in the pros. You can check out the schedules and rosters here if you'd like to go, too.
Several current, former, and future 'Dogs players will be there, including Trent Palm, Andrew Carroll, Jay Cascalenda***, Matt Greer, Tim Hambly and Drew Akins. Alex Stalock had played at one point, but he's not on any roster right now. They do warn roster changes could happen at any moment. Other players of interest include Jeff Frazee and Tony Lucia of the Gophers, scourge of RWD Dan Kronick, Chad Anderson and Luke Beaverson of the Seawolves, MN Wild's Brent Burns, Hobey Baker winner Marty Sertich, and UND Golden Boy Brandon Bochenski.
It sounds like it should be pretty fun. Anyone interested, comment below.
***Today is Jay's 21st birthday. I wonder if they'll comp him some drinks at Blarney's? Happy Birthday, Jay!!!
So, I was working on the Top Secret Off-Season Project (TSO-SP) last night, and I realized HOLY CRAP DO I MISS HOCKEY!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes, I like to stray from the normal tone of this site and get annoyed about things. Sometimes, I just can't restrain myself from saying bad things about other people who I'm sure are good upstanding citizens and help old ladies cross the street and drive hybrid cars and call their mothers every weekend. While I could expound for hours on the subject of that awful guy that says "wuh-rap" in the Sonic commercials (we don't even HAVE Sonic here!), or that awful person in the Sierra Mist commercials who is also on the VH1 "I Love The" specials, that really has nothing to do with hockey. I'll try to stay on topic here.
I know that there are announcers in hockey that inspire hatred in the eyes of the fans, i.e. Mazzocco and Woog, but I really really dislike someone who's relatively benign. Or so he seems...
I just can't stand Anthony LaPanta. I can't even figure out what his purpose is: he does baseball (kind of), high school hockey, and college hockey (sort of). He might even do other things, but those other sports don't exist to me. He's like their utility reporter, and he's not a Michael Cuddyer, he's a Denny Hocking. I find him dry and boring, devoid of personality. Plus, I get that he is probably pissed that he can't enjoy the Final Five like a fan because he has to work, but I drank enough alcohol to sedate an elephant, so he could have at least appreciated that instead of ignoring me.
This isn't hockey-related, but it should be. I can't stand The Worst F***ing Sports Show, Period. That's not really the name, of course, but I'm a fan of telling it like it is. Do they even know what hockey is, question mark. I don't understand how you could call a sports show open quotation mark the best closed quotation mark when they only seem to care about basketball open parenthesis since they always have that baboon's ass Mark Cuban on there closed parenthesis, with a little basketball and baseball thrown in. Okay, the punctuation joke is getting old, so I'll stop. Also, one of the hosts looks like he is on steroids. Can you guess which one? Also, if you want to be a woman on that show, you'd better have posed for Playboy, I think it's in the job description. VOMIT.
Honorable Mention to Marney Gellner: I'm really glad that you're not an ex-Playmate, I think it's great that Fox hired you because you're smart and a pretty good reporter (in my less-than-humble opinion) rather than because you were an ex-Playmate that they could teach to interview athletes, much like a chimp is taught sign language. But, honey, the bangs have got to go, among other things. My Top Secret Day Job puts me in a prime position to help you. I offered my assistance to Robbie Earl, and remember, Wives of Top Hockey Executives trust me. So, while overall I don't hate you, I often hate what you're wearing.
I forgot to post this on 1 July, but my good buddy Brad over at The DECC is Stacked got married over the weekend. I wish the best of luck to Amy and him!
Cheers!
Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday Jim Jensen
Happy Birthday to You!
22 birthday spankings for you from all of us at RWD!
