Strategery

It's "Win or Golf" time again for the UMD Bulldogs, and our situation's grim. If we wanted to dwell on the negatives, we could discuss:

1. We have one conference win in 2006.
2. We failed to score a goal during last week's "hockey" games at Mariucci.
3. We couldn't hit the broadside of the DECC with the puck right now.
4. We're facing the defending National Champions, and they're a physical team with a bloodthirsty animal who cheapshots anyone he can.
5. Our record against Denver this year is 0-2, with 3 goals for and 7 goals against.

Out on a ledge yet? No? Well... REMEMBER LAST YEAR'S PLAYOFFS?

I should mention, I'm not responsible for anyone who kills themselves because I reminded them of just how badly we've sucked lately. I'm just the messenger.

Clearly, our game plan hasn't been working lately. So we've got to think outside the box and play some razzle-dazzle hockey. Fortunately, I've come up with a brilliant plan.

1. Let them underestimate us.
When it comes to WCHA standings, we're in the basement. The underground parking garage. The ninth circle of hell. I say, play it up. Let them think we're going to roll over and play dead. Mason Raymond can limp a little. Put Andrew Carroll's arm in a sling. Grawler can carry a box of tissues and wear a bathrobe and fuzzy bunny slippers. Maybe bring Nick Kemp in on a stretcher, covered in a blanket with nothing showing but a toe tag.

2. Use the thinner atmosphere to our advantage.
With their brains oxygen-starved in the mile-high city, maybe the players won't think so much about all the pressure on their shoulders.*

3. Dress Isaac in Ziggy's jersey.
Disguising Ike as Ziggy might make the Pies a little overconfident, and they might start to get cute around the net and make mistakes. Heck, it worked at Mariucci. When we dressed Ziggy up as the empty net, it took the Goofers four tries to score. To avoid detection, Ziggy must wear a Groucho Marx disguise on the bench.

Perfect. Excel Energy Center, here we come!

*As an aside, I have to wonder: is there really any pressure on the 'Dogs' shoulders? Last year (aaagh! I brought it up again!), we were in sixth place, and we'd split with North Dakota in our only series. Getting some quality wins in the Final Five might have given us the boost we needed into the NCAAs. This year, we've got no expectations left. Our only chance at salvaging this season is to win the Broadmoor trophy, and while statistically possible, we'd sooner thread a camel through the eye of a needle. (Personally, I would consider even making it to the Final Five as salvaging the season, but dare to dream.) The pressure is on Denver. They are expected to win, everyone's assuming they'll win. But you know what happens when you assume...