Dear Drew

It takes a special kind of player to be elected captain of a hockey team. The player has to be a leader on and off the ice, has to be matured enough to speak to the refs, and has to be a bit of a mentor to his teammates. In addition to all that, "Drew" has "agreed" to be a guest columnist on RWD and give advice to his fellow players.




Dear Drew,

I am a hockey player on a team that is supposed to be good in the second half of the season. I have a "friend" who also plays hockey on my team and he is hurt. How can I make him feel better? I already give him foot massages and send him flowers.

-Wario

Dear Wario,

That is very nice of you to be so caring. Please tell me the injury this player has. That will allow me to, uh, be more helpful in my assistance. Also, tell BOTH of your sisters that Big D says hi.

-Drew

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Drew,

I have a bit of trouble making up my mind sometimes. For example, I had a really hard time making up my mind about the team I wanted to play on. Now I am on a horrible team and I wish I was on the first team I'd picked. Please help!

-Not A Window, But A...

Dear NAW,BA...,

We didn't want you anyway. SUCK IT.

-Drew

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Drew,

I think my teammates and fans like my dad more than me. He has a stomach of iron, is writing his memoirs, and is very loquacious. Actually, I think I like my dad better than me. I don't know if this is actually a problem after all. Sorry to bother you.

-Not Even Going To Bother To Try To Spell My Own Last Name

Dear NEGTBTTTSMOLN,

Stevie V. for President, 2012!

-Drew

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Drew,

I play for a hockey team with a pretty embarrassing fan base. The most embarrassing person in the fan base is my dad. He played hockey, like, a million years ago and never made it in the pros and now he can't move on. What should I do?

-Confused from Detroit Lakes

Dear Confused,

Rock out to Bruce Springsteen's Glory Days until he gets the message. Or goes deaf.

-Drew

That's all we've got in the mailbag this week! Stay tuned!

Under Pressure

tUMD 4, Blue Earth County Penal League All-Stars 3 (OT)

Well, it's later than late and I've had a long day, but of course I was dumb and decided it would be good to allow my wild and spastic rantings to be broadcast over the airwaves (AND Interwebs!!) and thus should probably have something going on here before I go to bed.

So, for those of you who are here because of the whole radio thing, hello, how are you? I am pleased to meet you. Please be advised that the best of RWD is not found in the game recaps. Don't judge too harshly. Also, for those of you who are here wondering whether TJ Oshie has a girlfriend (and there are so many of you! Why?), I can not help you, I am truly sorry.

I... don't know. Really. Mankato plays a style of hockey that makes it very difficult for tUMD to play their style of hockey. So it was not really the best of times. It wasn't the worst of times, either, but... well, there's a lot to discuss.

The first period wasn't that fabulous. Mankato set the tone as usual. They seem confused about some of the rules of the game. Gentlemen: making contact to the head a "point of emphasis" does not mean the league wants you to do more of it. THEY WANT YOU TO STOP, YOU IDIOTS! Lots of things happened but by comparison the first period was boring. I have forgotten it mostly. BECAUSE THE GAME WAS ALMOST THREE HOURS. Zach Harrison took a checking from behind penalty in the final minute of the game and was ejected from the game. Because I am unkind, I stood up and waved. He hit my Jacky. That makes me hate him more. I did not see the hit as it was along the boards (duh) on the same side of the ice as I was. tUMD went into the locker room knowing they had 4 1/2 minutes of power play free-for-all smorgasbord bonanza.

The second period was much better! I do not understand how tUMD can be so fantastic in the 2nd period after being so terrible in the 2nd period during the first half. Brady Lamb scored 31 seconds into the period and we were back to even. I am stupid and did not start him in my fantasy league. That was the only goal on the power play. Then Rob Bordson scored to make it 2-1. Again, I am stupid because I did not start him in my fantasy league.

About 5 minutes after Bordo's goal, Kael Mouillierat (Mall Rat) viciously elbowed Scott Kishel in the head. Do not be fooled by Bruce Ciskie's commentary. This was not a clean or legal hit. It happened right in front of me. And I am a Great Hockey Mind. Scott was lying on the ice motionless for quite some time. It was scary. No, the referee did not signal a penalty right away. But really, if the league will allow this "intent to blow" b.s. they can certainly allow "intent to call." This was the first exceptionally long delay of the game as it took awhile to figure out what they were going to do, and then they explained it to Sandy, and then to Jutting, and anyone who has watched a Mankato hockey game knows that Jutting does not know when to STFU. He complained for so long that Kishel had time to recover and was back on the ice after missing only a few shifts. Mall Rat received a game disqualification for that hit, which means he will be suspended for a game. Justin Fontaine scored on the ensuing power play free-for-all smorgasbord bonanza, but again, they were only able to get one goal out of it.

A minute and a half after Fonzarelli's goal, some things occurred. I was sitting in probably the worst place in the entire rink for seeing these things, so I can't describe it. I saw some shoving and things, and then the refs came over, and suddenly someone shoved David Grun from behind and then we had ourselves a hoedown. SOMEHOW, and I really can't imagine how, and I have a very vivid imagination so that is saying something, tUMD ended up short two players. Also, somehow, and this is even more unfathomable, Drew Akins was involved in these things and was escorted to the penalty box (all the while motioning for the Maverick player to bring it on), and then was allowed to leave and did not receive a penalty. I am unsure why. That was fine. That was the only thing that was fine. Deciding to give Mankato this unwarranted and undeserved 5 on 3 took an annoyingly long time. For some reason Jutting decided he wanted to whine about that, too. There's no such thing as a 5 on 2, Jutting. Just shut up. I told him so. Mankato scored once on the power play while on the 2-player advantage.

The 3rd period began oddly as Jack Connolly ended up riding a Maverick. He did not stay on for 8 seconds and thus did not receive a golden belt buckle. The rest of the period was pretty disjointed. tUMD did not carry the play for any length of time. There were some bad line changes. (Ok, all game there were bad line changes.) And they let Mankato tie it up with 18 seconds to go. It was... preventable. We'll just say that. But OF COURSE the game would go to overtime. It wasn't long enough!

Overtime seemed like an extension of the 3rd period with its choppy play, and then MCON was all alone with the puck and put it just under the crossbar RIGHT in front of the tUMD fans and we FREAKED out. I was confused and at first thought it was Jacky, but WHO FREAKING CARES, THEY WON IN OVERTIME, OMFGBBQ!!!!!!!!!

God it's even later than later than late. Enough of this. Big day tomorrow. Skol Vikings!

Numbers
Wins until we reach last season's total: -2! (Eee!!)
Points until we reach last season's total: 2! (Look out Wisconsin, we're coming to collect!!!)

My Guys
Jack Connolly: 35!
Brady Lamb: 14!
Mike Seidel: 8

Freshmen
Dylan Olsen: 10
Mike Seidel: 8
Wade Bergman: 2
Keegan Flaherty: 2
Dan Delisle: 1
Jake Hendrickson: 1
Drew Olson: 1

Connollys
Jacky: 35!
Mikey: 26!!!!

Olsen/Olson
Drew: 1
Dylan: 10

Drews
Olson: 10
Akins: 30

On Notice
Cody Danberg
Dan Delisle
Keegan Flaherty
Jordan Fulton
Chad Huttel
Drew Olson

Goals Only
Scott Kishel
Mike Montgomery
Travis Oleksuk
Mike Seidel

First Things First

tUMD 2, Elbowers 1

If this game was in Duluth, I don't think I'd be home yet!

Short recap tonight. I have to work tomorrow and then zippity zip back to the Midwest Wireless Alltel Verizon Center. For those of you not attending the game, make sure to listen to the radio broadcast as Bruce will be interviewing me! Terrifying. I sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks.

One thing I was going to mention in my interview (which I can't now, but I did write it down so I have proof!!) was one of my hopes for the year. I listed some other things (which I will not say here, as Bruce may still ask me about it!) but I wrote that I wanted David Grun to get a goal. And he did! That's so amazing! On the power play! How about that? I was FREAKING OUT. He looked very happy.

Oh, but that's not all. Because 27 seconds later, Dylan Olsen scored! And he was, I think, even happier! I know a lot has been said about his hunger for that first goal, but I am thrilled that he got it. He's not the first player and certainly won't be the last to feel frustration over a scoring drought and to let that carry over into the rest of their game. It was a huge goal for tUMD as it ended up the game-winner after a slow whistle let Mankato finally put a puck past Kenny Reiter.

And the most important first?

FIRST PLACE BULLDOGS! *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!*

Numbers
Wins until we reach last season's total: -1! (FINITO)
Points until we reach last season's total: 4! (Just two more wins!!!)

My Guys
Jack Connolly: 33
Brady Lamb: 12
Mike Seidel: 8

Freshmen
Dylan Olsen: 10!!!!!!!!!!
Mike Seidel: 8
Wade Bergman: 2
Keegan Flaherty: 2
Dan Delisle: 1
Jake Hendrickson: 1
Drew Olson: 1

Connollys
Jacky: 33
Mikey: 25!

Olsen/Olson
Drew: 1
Dylan: 10!

Drews
Olson: 10
Akins: 30

On Notice
Cody Danberg
Dan Delisle
Keegan Flaherty
Jordan Fulton
Chad Huttel
Drew Olson

Goals Only
Rob Bordson
Scott Kishel
Brady Lamb
Mike Montgomery
Mike Seidel

Accolades

I know, I know, no game recap from Saturday. It's Tuesday and I've practically forgotten what happened, and I have a bunch of other stuff to get to, so there's not going to be one.

This week in the WCHA, Mike Connolly is co-Player of the Week. I'm not an uber-homer like Brad Schlossman, so I WILL use the co- qualifier, as Mike shared the honor with Jason Gregoire of North Dakota. Mike had two goals and three assists last weekend and is coming on strong. Obviously being part of the BI-MON-SCI-FI-CON line has helped bring his stats up where they belonged, but he's also been kicking all kinds of badonkadonk all over the rink.

I think that's important, of course, but here's what I think is more important. Kenny Reiter was nominated for defensive player of the week! I think he should have won, and not just because Garrett Raboin's dad is the epitome of everything wrong with America, but because scoring on Michigan Tech is like shooting fish in a barrel. Kenny led tUMD to a sweep of a ranked team. Raboin got some power play points against the worst PK in the country. Anyway, who cares? Bottom line: I think Kenny has done a fantastic job lately and he deserves any recognition that comes his way.

Stay tuned because there's going to be some awesomeness this week, including a new weekly guest column and a feature-length article!

Numbers
Wins until we reach last season's total: DONE!! (FANFARE! POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE!)
Points until we reach last season's total: 6! (Will be taken care of soon!)

My Guys
Jack Connolly: 33!! (AMAZING! Look out, James Marcou!)
Brady Lamb: 12!
Mike Seidel: 8

Freshmen
Dylan Olsen: 9
Mike Seidel: 8
Wade Bergman: 2
Keegan Flaherty: 2
Dan Delisle: 1
Jake Hendrickson: 1
Drew Olson: 1

Connollys
Jacky: 33!
Mikey: 24!

Olsen/Olson
Drew: 1
Dylan: 9

Drews
Olson: 10
Akins: 30!

On Notice
Dan Delisle
Keegan Flaherty
Dylan Olsen
Drew Olson

Goals Only
Jordan Fulton
Chad Huttel
Scott Kishel
Mike Montgomery
Mike Seidel

Imagine

tUMD 5, Puddytats 2

I had a little bit of a stressful night tonight. You see, I have a Friday night class this trimester. This is the first Friday class I've had since fall '07 and I can tell you right now, it is the worst freaking feeling. Actually things have changed since then because I did not have unlimited texting and data on my phone at the time. I still had to use the numeric keypad. So, thanks for the updates, folks.

Evan Oberg has been called up to the bigs. Doesn't mean I like the Canucks.

So I missed the game. Didn't even listen to it. Froze in the classroom as though I was at the rink. Whoopee. I sort of imagined how the game would go. Let's go to the score sheet!

FIRST PERIOD
10:12 UMD 0 - CC 1
Stephen Schultz (David Civitarese, Nate Prosser)

I looked at the stat sheet on College Hockey Stats, and it lists no tUMD players on the ice at the time of the goal. This is a good explanation for what happened. They were probably getting porketta dogs at the concession stand. Who wouldn't?

17:44 UMD 1 - CC 1
Kyle Schmidt (Rob Bordson, Travis Oleksuk)

Hello, Kyle Schmidt is the most clutch guy we have on our team. I need to look at our record when he has a goal. Pretty sure Oleksuk probably rubbed some CC guy off the puck, chipped it to Bordo, and then Bordo got it to Schmitty at our blue line and he took off like a he'd just been hit with 1.21 jigowatts of electricity, leaving a pair of fire trails in his wake, and Sandy stood in between them and yelled "IT WORKS! I'VE FINALLY FOUND A LINE COMBINATION THAT WORKS!!!!" Because really, I love the idea of those 3 together.

SECOND PERIOD
4:31 UMD 2 - CC 1 (PP)
Drew Akins (Rob Bordson, Scott Kishel)

The secondary unit strikes again! I like it!
An Akins goal? Well, that's gotta be a Kishel blast from the point, rebound to Bordo for another save, and then Akins jams the puck in while using one hand to punch two CC defenders and their goalie. The Akins Diet? It's tiger meat.

6:04 UMD 3 - CC 1
Mike Connolly (Jack Connolly)

CC players were too busy heeding one of the #1 rules in hockey: Keep Your Head Up, to notice our Lilliputian brothers-from-another-motherland skating unheeded to the net. Then they danced a jig and found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

11:03 UMD 4 - CC 1 (PP)
Justin Fontaine (Jack Connolly, Mike Connolly)

FIRST OF ALL I hear this goal should belong to my Jacky. This upsets me as a fantasy hockey manager. The guy who has Fontaine is in the lead or in 2nd place or something. However, his strategery is flawed, and I do feel that Team Cougar is still gonna make the playoffs.

Anyway. I think what happened here is CC was like "Look, we're on the penalty kill, and the BI-MON-SCI-FI-CON line is out, why even try?", waved a white flag, and fled like the French. Mon Dieu!

THIRD PERIOD
0:44 UMD 4 - CC 2
Bill Sweatt (Mike Testwuide)

44 seconds into the period? The team was probably lined up, waiting for a whistle, so they didn't walk in front of the play.

2:25 UMD 5 - CC 2 (PP)
Justin Fontaine (Mike Connolly, Brady Lamb)

Um, duh. Obviously this happened.


I am certain this is accurate! Back in action tomorrow night!

Numbers
Wins until we reach last season's total: 1! (I'm going to invite Kirby Puckett's kid to turn this from 1 to 0, TOMORROW!)
Points until we reach last season's total: 8! (We had a lot of ties.)

My Guys
Jack Connolly: 30! (Has now beaten his point total for all of last season. WOW!)
Brady Lamb: 11!
Mike Seidel: 8 (Not in the lineup??? What???)

Freshmen
Dylan Olsen: 9
Mike Seidel: 8
Wade Bergman: 2
Keegan Flaherty: 2
Dan Delisle: 1
Jake Hendrickson: 1
Drew Olson: 1

Connollys
Jacky: 30!
Mikey: 23! (AWESOME GAME!!!!!)

Olsen/Olson
Drew: 1
Dylan: 9

Drews
Olson: 10
Akins: 24 (Had a little bit too much fun despite his "new" "safety" equipment)

On Notice
Dan Delisle
Keegan Flaherty
Dylan Olsen
Drew Olson

Goals Only
Jordan Fulton
Chad Huttel
Scott Kishel
Dylan Olsen
Mike Seidel

Hello, Clarice.

Guys, I'm sorry in advance. No, not really.

After the last series with Colorado College, tUMD will debut some new safety equipment this weekend.



I like it.

FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Attention RWD readers:

If you live in the Twin Cities, I have two tickets to the Friday CC game that are yours, on the hizzay.

Sorry Duluth folks, but there's no way for me to get them to you.

Let me know.

**UPDATE** Tickets have been claimed. But there will probably be more in the future!!

All The Marbles

Team USA 6, Canada 5 (OT)

http://watch.tsn.ca/international-hockey/clip252487#clip252487

http://watch.tsn.ca/international-hockey/clip252502#clip252502

All you need to know.

Fuhgeddaboutit

tUMD 2, Catacheats 5

F. Scott Fitzgerald called January "the Monday of months," and my god is it true. I'm sitting here waiting for the Novocaine to wear off so I can go to work, and it is -1 outside. It's actually warmer in Duluth than it is in Minneapolis. Kill me now.

Overall yesterday was a great sports day! The Vikings won, the Eagles lost, which secured the Vikings' #2 seed and first round bye, and Team USA beat Sweden to advance to the gold medal round in the World Junior Championships (which is watched, according to PA, by the other person on the show with him, someone named "Fluffy," Ryan Cardinal, and 8 other people. 6 others after you count Dirty and me.) Sandwiched in between these wonderful things was a not-so-wonderful hockey game. Although there was a mascot hockey game which involved a seahorse, a donut, and Grimace.

Yeah, there were a lot of penalties. In the first period. What about the other two? I don't think anyone's gonna look back and be proud of yesterday. Oh well. Come back to league play with a chip on your shoulders. Take those Tigers and tell them where to stick that last game we had against them. Especially that horrid Nate Prosser. We won't have those EZAC [er, Hockey Least... or whatever] refs again, so we can put all that nonsense behind us and get back to the usual WCHA style of officiating which, flawed as some may see it, is at least familiar. Other than that? Just move on.

Numbers
Wins until we reach last season's total: 2 (NONCON)
Points until we reach last season's total: 10 (NONCON)

My Guys
Jack Connolly: 28!
Brady Lamb: 10
Mike Seidel: 8

Freshmen
Dylan Olsen: 9
Mike Seidel: 8
Wade Bergman: 2
Keegan Flaherty: 2
Dan Delisle: 1
Jake Hendrickson: 1
Drew Olson: 1

Connollys
Jacky: 28!
Mikey: 20

Olsen/Olson
Drew: 1
Dylan: 9

Drews
Olson: 10
Akins: 17

On Notice
Dan Delisle
Keegan Flaherty
Drew Olson

Goals Only
Jordan Fulton
Chad Huttel
Scott Kishel
Mike Montgomery
Dylan Olsen
Mike Seidel

The Tipping Point

tUMD 6, Sad Pandas 0

This season is either going to take off or crash and burn. I don't know which. But what I do know is that a game against a somewhat insignificant opponent (no offense, Mercyhurst, but let's be honest) gave the Bulldogs an opportunity to put the little things together. Little things that separate the men from the boys, the wheat from the chaff, etc.

Kenny Reiter had a great game. He still wandered, but with a purpose. He'd had an even longer break than the rest of the guys, as Hjelle played both Denver games and Kenny's last game was against UND, which left a lot of us with that not-so-fresh feeling.

The penalty kill was 6 for 6, including a 5 on 3, and Brady Lamb had a shorthanded goal.

Only 6 skaters did not register a point. Scoring was balanced, with every line and every defensive pairing getting at least an assist.

The second period was the best period. tUMD scored three goals in the 2nd, one in the first, and two in the second. Could it be the second period abomination is a thing of the past? Please say yes!

I hate that I'm not in Vermont right now. Last year's road trip to the Shillelagh tournament was one of my favorites. We had the run of the arena, and it was pretty obvious from the B2 feed that we would have again. I think if I yelled the entire state of Vermont would have heard me. I could have caused an avalanche.

In case you don't know, the Dogs will be playing Vermont tomorrow at 6:05 Central. Vermont squeaked by Huntsville 4-3. If you want updates, don't forget, I'm on Twitter!

Numbers
Wins until we reach last season's total: 2 (NONCON)
Points until we reach last season's total: 10 (NONCON)

My Guys
Jack Connolly: 27!
Brady Lamb: 10!
Mike Seidel: 8

Freshmen
Dylan Olsen: 9
Mike Seidel: 8
Wade Bergman: 2
Keegan Flaherty: 2
Dan Delisle: 1
Jake Hendrickson: 1
Drew Olson: 1

Connollys
Jacky: 27!
Mikey: 20!

Olsen/Olson
Drew: 1
Dylan: 9

Drews
Olson: 10
Akins: 15

On Notice
Dan Delisle
Keegan Flaherty
Drew Olson

Goals Only
Jordan Fulton
Chad Huttel
Scott Kishel
Mike Montgomery
Dylan Olsen
Mike Seidel

For Auld Lang Syne

So, it's almost 2010, and I'm sitting in my basement watching Where The Wild Things Are, thinking about what I could post. (Yes, that would seem very sad and pathetic, but not more than usual. I'm not interested in going out on amateur night.) RWD readers, the smartest blog readers on the Interwebs, know that the decade doesn't end until next year, so there's no need for a sweeping look back. I was going to do a mid-season report, but that just seems so dull. However, did you know that we only have two more conference points than we did at last season? I did not. I found out at work today while wasting time.

Still, it's funny to think that ten years ago there were people wondering if the world as we know it was going to end. Hello, we still have two years left on that one. Ten years ago I spent New Year's in my basement (of course!) watching Labyrinth with two people I'm not even friends with anymore, I was a junior in high school and I had a boyfriend who has the same name as a former NFL quarterback. Scott Sandelin was still at UND. Jon Francisco was a freshman. Brady freaking Hjelle was probably playing mite hockey, or squirts, I don't know how these age groups work.

I watched the USA vs Canada World Juniors game tonight (in case you follow me on Twitter, you already know this) and though the Americans lost, it was still a heckuva game. It was fun to cheer for the talent of the WCHA, players who are normally Public Enemy #1 when they meet the Bulldogs. I watched about 30 seconds of the Wild game. Unnecessary to watch any more.

The kids in these tournaments (and really, they are kids) and in college hockey, as well as the adults in the NHL, give up their holidays and their time at home to play hockey. They're not alone, or making some great sacrifice; there are a lot of us who have to work on Christmas Eve, or New Year's Eve, or other holidays, who travel or move hundreds of miles away from our homes for our jobs. But we should all be so lucky to do so because we do what we love, not what we have to do to live.

I could do a cliched resolutions post. But really, there's nothing to resolve. Hockey is gloriously, exhilaratingly, apocalyptically enjoyable. What's better than that?

Safe travels to Vermont tomorrow!

A Brady Hjelle Christmas

Brady Hjelle: I think there must be something wrong with me, Jacky. Christmas is coming but I’m not happy, I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents, and sending cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

Jacky: Brady Hjelle, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe RWD is right: of all the Brady Hjelles in the world, you’re the Brady Hjelliest.
















Brady Hjelle: Drew, you’re the only person I know who can raise a cloud of dust in a snowstorm.
















RWD: May I help you?

BRADY HJELLE: I am in sad shape.

RWD: Wait a minute, before you begin, I must ask that you pay in advance. Five cents, please. Boy what a sound! How I love hearing that old money clank! That beautiful sound of cold hard cash! That beautiful, beautiful sound: nickels, nickels, nickels! That beautiful sound of clinking nickels! All right now, what seems to be your trouble?

BRADY HJELLE: I feel depressed. I know I should be happy, but I’m not.

RWD: Well, as they say on TV, the mere fact that you realize you need help indicates that you are not too far gone. I think we better pinpoint your fears. If we can find out what you’re afraid of, we can label it. Are you afraid of referees? If you are, then you have officialphobia.

BRADY HJELLE: I don’t think that’s quite it.

RWD: How about pucks? If you are afraid of pucks, you have rubberdiskophobia.

BRADY HJELLE: Well, sort of, but I’m not sure.

RWD: Are you afraid of odd man rushes? If you are, then you have twoononeophobia. Maybe you have Mankatomavsophobia. This is fear of getting run over by opponents. Or, quintigoalophobia, which is the fear of opponents going five-hole. Or maybe you have Lordstanleysgameophobia. Do you think you have Lordstanleysgameophobia?

BRADY HJELLE: What’s Lordstanleysgameophobia?

RWD: The fear of hockey!

BRADY HJELLE: THAT’S IT! Actually, RWD, my trouble is Christmas. I just don’t understand it. I feel sort of let down.

RWD: You need involvement. You need to be involved in some real Christmas project. How would you like to be the coach of our Christmas game?

BRADY HJELLE: Me? You want me to be the coach of the Christmas game?

RWD: Sure Brady Hjelle! We need a coach. You need involvement. We’ve got referees, entertainment, bananas, everyone you need. We even have a Christmas queen.

BRADY HJELLE: I don’t know anything about coaching a Christmas game.

RWD: Don’t worry; I’ll be there to help you. I’ll meet you at the auditorium. Incidentally, I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want, I always get a lot of stupid toys or clothes or a bicycle or something like that.

BRADY HJELLE: What is it you want?

RWD: A national championship.
















RWD: All right, quiet everybody. Our coach will be here any minute and we’ll start practice.

Wade Bergman: Coach? What coach?

RWD: Brady Hjelle.

Drew Olson: Oh no, no, we’re doomed.

Wade Bergman: This will be the worst Christmas game ever.

RWD: Here he comes! Attention everyone. Here’s our director.
















BRADY HJELLE: Well, it’s real good seeing you all here. As you know we are going to play in the Christmas game. Due to the shortage of time, we’ll get right down to work. One of the first things to ensure a good performance is strict attention to the coach. I’ll keep my directions simple. If I point to the right, it means the right wing carries the puck. If I make a slashing motion across my throat, it means I think the ref has made a bad call. If I make a revolving motion with my hand, it means skate faster. If I spread my hands apart, it means make a long pass. It’s the spirit of the player that counts, the attention that they show their coach. Am I right? I said am I right?
















BRADY HJELLE: Stop the music! All right now, we’re going to do this game, and we’re going to do it right. RWD, get those jerseys and playbooks and pass them out. Now the equipment girl will be handing out your gear.
















RWD: You’re a forward.

MCON: Do forwards have naturally curly hair?

RWD: Drew Akins, you’re the goalie.
















Akins: In spite of my outward appearance, I will try to keep the crease clean.

RWD: Schmitty, you’re Derek Shepherd.
















Kyle Schmidt: Every Christmas it’s the same. I always end up being Derek Shepherd.
















RWD: Jacky! You have to get rid of that stupid blanket! And here, memorize these plays.

Jacky: I can’t memorize these plays. This is ridiculous.

RWD: Memorize them and be ready to play when I tell you to.

Jacky: I can’t memorize this so quickly. Why should I be put through such agony? Give me one good reason why I should memorize this.

RWD (showing her fist): I’ll give you 5 good reasons. 1.2.3.4.5.

Jacky: Those are good reasons. Christmas is not only getting too commercial, it’s getting too dangerous.

RWD: And get rid of that stupid blanket. What’s a center gonna look like with a stupid blanket like that?

Jacky: Well, this is one center that’s gonna keep his trusty blanket with him. You wouldn’t hit an innocent center, would you?

RWD: Okay, Mr. Coach, the cast is set. Take over.

BRADY HJELLE: All right, let’s have quiet, places everybody. Seidel, set the mood for the first period.
















BRADY HJELLE: Cut cut! No no no! Look, let’s rehearse the power play. Mikey--
















MCON: I can’t go on the ice, there’s too much dust. It’s taking the curl out of my naturally curly hair.

BRADY HJELLE: Don’t think of it as dust. Think of it as maybe the soil of some great past civilization. Maybe the soil of the ancient Duluth Curling Club arena. It staggers the imagination. He may be carrying the soil that was tread upon by Bill Watson. Or even Huffer Christiansen.

Akins: Sorta makes you wanna treat me with more respect, doesn’t it?

MCON: You’re an absolute mess. Just look at yourself.

Akins: On the contrary, I didn’t think I looked that good.

RWD: What about my part? What about the Christmas queen, hmm? Are you going to let all this beauty go to waste? You do think I’m beautiful, don’t you Brady Hjelle? You didn’t answer me right away. You had to think about it first, didn’t you? If you really had thought I was beautiful, you would have spoken right up. I know when I’ve been insulted! I know when I’ve been insulted!

BRADY HJELLE: Good grief. All right, let’s take it from the top again. Places. Puck drop.
















RWD: Brady Hjelle, isn’t it a great game?

BRADY HJELLE: That does it. Now look, if we’re ever to get this game off the ground, we’ve gotta have some cooperation.

RWD: What’s matter, Brady Hjelle? Don’t you think it’s great?

BRADY HJELLE: It’s all wrong.

RWD: Look Brady, let’s face it, we all know that Christmas hockey is a big commercial racket. There’s a big eastern bias, you know.

BRADY HJELLE: Well, this is one game that won’t be commercial.

RWD: Look, Brady Hjelle, what do you want?

BRADY HJELLE: We need a Christmas tree.

RWD: Hey, perhaps a tree. A great big shiny aluminum Christmas tree. That’s it, Brady Hjelle! You get the tree. I’ll handle this crowd.

BRADY HJELLE: Ok. I’ll take Jacky with me. The rest of you practice your line changes.

RWD: Get the biggest aluminum tree you can find. Maybe paint it pink!

Wade Bergman: Yeah, do something right for a change, Brady Hjelle.

BRADY HJELLE: I don’t know Jacky, I just don’t know. Well, I guess we better concentrate on finding a nice Christmas tree.

Jacky: I suggest we try those searchlights, Brady Hjelle.

Jacky: This really brings Christmas close to a person.

BRADY HJELLE: Fantastic.

Jacky: Gee, do they still make wooden Christmas trees?
















BRADY HJELLE: This little green one here seems to need a home.

Jacky: I don’t know, Brady Hjelle. Remember what RWD said? This doesn’t seem to fit the modern spirit.

BRADY HJELLE: I don’t care. I’ll decorate it, and it’ll be just right for our game. Besides I think it needs me.
















Mike Seidel: This is the music I’ve selected for the Christmas game.

RWD: What kind of hockey music is that?

Mike Seidel: Beethoven hockey music.

RWD: What has Beethoven music got to do with hockey? Everybody talks about how great Beethoven is. Beethoven wasn’t so great.

Mike Seidel: What do you mean, Beethoven wasn’t so great?

RWD: He never got his name on the Stanley Cup, did he? Have you ever seen his name on the Stanley Cup, hmm? How can you say a person is great who’s never had his name on the Stanley Cup?

Mike Seidel: Good grief.

Brady and Jacky come back with the little tree.

BRADY HJELLE: We’re back.

Drew Olson: Boy are you stupid Brady Hjelle!

Wade Bergman: What kind of a tree is that?

RWD: You were supposed to get a good tree! Can’t you even tell a good tree from a poor tree?

Drew Olson: I told you he’d goof it up. He’s not the kind you can depend on for anything.

Wade Bergman: You’re hopeless, Brady Hjelle.

MCON: Completely hopeless.

BRADY HJELLE: Rats.

RWD: You’ve been dumb before Brady Hjelle, but this time you really did it. What a treat.

BRADY HJELLE: I guess you were right, Jacky. I shouldn’t have picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don’t know what hockey is all about. Isn’t there anyone who knows what hockey is all about?
















Jacky: Sure, Brady Hjelle, I can tell you what hockey is all about. Lights, please. And there were in the same country coaches, keeping watch, abiding over their teams by weekends, and lo the angel of the NCAA came upon them, and the glory of the tournament shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is given this day in the city of Detroit a tournament, which is the Frozen Four. And this shall be a sign unto you, you shall find the teams with the best pairwise rankings meeting in the regionals. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of fans praising the hockey gods and saying glory to hockey in the winter and on earth peace and goodwill toward men. That’s what hockey is all about Brady Hjelle.
















Jacky's voice: For behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is given this day in the city of Detroit a tournament, which is the Frozen Four. And this shall be a sign unto you...

BRADY HJELLE: Jacky is right. I won’t let all this commercialism ruin my Christmas. I’ll take this little tree home and decorate it, and I’ll show em it really will work at our game. I’ve killed it. OH! Everything I touch gets ruined.
















JACKY: I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.

RWD: Brady Hjelle is a blockhead, but he did get a nice tree.
















Loo loo loo, loo loo-loo loo-loo, loo loo loo loo-loo loo loo.

BRADY HJELLE: What’s going on here?

Everyone: Merry Christmas Brady Hjelle!

The Post Before Christmas

I probably won't get around to writing another post before the vaunted Christmas Post, partially because I am lazy and partially because I am putting a crapload of work into this year's post. (One word: SCREENCAP.) For those of you who aren't aware, each year RWD has an extra special, custom-made Bulldog Christmas post.

Let's review:

In 2006, I did How the Grinch Stole Christmas

It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his skates were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his jock was two sizes too small.

In 2007, I rewrote the saucy Christmas carol Santa Baby

Santa baby, a game-worn jersey under the tree, Curry's
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Hah! Screw you Santa. I had to get that for myself!

And then in 2008, the masterpiece: Jacky's Christmas Story

At practice, I struggled for just the right hockey stick hint. "Sharpie said he saw some grizzly bears near Grandma's Sports Garden!" Sandelin looked at me like I had walleye coming out of my ears. I quickly changed directions. "Coach, I bet you can't guess what I got you for Christmas?" Coach Rohlik asked me, "Jacky, what do you want for Christmas?" I don't know what came over me, or why I blurted it out despite all my subtle scheming, but I loudly proclaimed, "I want a Red Ryder one piece 200-shot Iron Range model hockey stick with multi-rib blade construction and a Kevlar-wrapped shaft." Coach Sandelin looked at me and shook his head. "You'll shoot your eye out!"

That last one is going to be a tough one to top. I'm not giving anything away about this year's Christmas post, but I will tell you that it is dedicated to the daughter and niece of three RWD readers who I know are also huge fans of the Christmas posts. This woman is a Marine and is going to spend Christmas with her family before deploying to Afghanistan. I hope for her safe return and I know that any RWD fans will do the same.

Who's Your Mommy?

Oh, comrades, the day has come. RWD is the featured blogger on Puck Daddy's college hockey post. Bow down.

I talked about Kyle Schmidt, my Jacky, and Back to the Future. READ IT.