America the Beautiful

Hello all.

Jack Connolly is an All-American.

SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

M.I.A.

Attention Drew Akins: You have not updated your blog. I find this unacceptable. I know your semester is not over, so come on, give us some sort of wrap up. And for the love of Lessard, WHO WON THE PING-PONG TOURNAMENT????

The Devil Among Us

So, I'm going to the regional tonight. Woo hoo. I'm put in the position of actually cheering for Wisconsin. This is more uncomfortable than the back of a Volkswagen.

Anyway, I'm a little nervous. Last night I was watching part of the late regional game (and not studying!!!! of course) and chatting with my buddy Badger Backer and then they showed a photo of Badgers assistant coach Mark Osiecki. I wish I could have gotten a screencap, because I had a really hard time finding a photo that does him justice, but here we go (he's on the left):





















Really, if Satan walked the earth in human form, this is what he'd look like.

Bulletin

We interrupt my regularly scheduled homework/mass cramming for exams to bring you this really old news.

The WCHA end-of-season awards were announced before the Final Five. Jack Connolly was All-WCHA 1st team and Justin Fontaine was All-WCHA 2nd team. The other winnarz were not from tUMD and thus do not matter.

Additionally, tUMD's resident smarty-pantses were honored as members of the All-WCHA Academic Team. Players must have at least one year of residency at their school, must have a GPA > 3.0 for the previous two semesters, or have an overall GPA > 3.0. (Recall that the Scholar-Athletes were announced last month. The GPA cutoff there is 3.5.)

First-Timers
Drew Akins (Communication)
Jack Connolly (Undecided according to his tUMD bio, although I don't think that's true, someone* help me out here Communications)
David Grun (Business)
Brady Hjelle (Accounting)

Repeat Offenders
Rob Bordson (Accounting)
Justin Fontaine (Accounting)
Chad Huttel (Exercise Science)
Kenny Reiter (Finance)
Chase Ryan (Accounting)
Kyle Schmidt (Statistics and Actuarial Science)

Congratulations, everyone!

*ahem, someone, you know who you are Thank youuuu

Bye Bye Bordson

http://www.duluthnewstribune.com/event/article/id/163587/

Congratulations, Rob! You had an amazing season! You are a great STUDENT-athlete and your hard work on and off the ice made this possible. What a great example you have set for your teammates and for the young Bulldog fans who look up to you. Continue to make us proud!

Soliloquy

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from game to game
To the last syllable of recorded play,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief goal light!
Hockey's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the ice
And then is heard no more: it is a blog
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

-Macbeth, Act V Scene V



Well, I don't know what to say. We don't know if this is the end of the season or not, for sure, but I feel like it is. We'll never see Akins, Fulton, Chase Ryan, Palm (though he is eligible for a red-shirt) and most likely others in a Bulldog jersey again. I can't be critical of anyone tonight because... because I just can't. I don't want to. I mean, really, what's the point? They won home ice. They made it to the Final Five. I'd say I'm satisfied with the season.

But one thing about tonight's game: Kenny was AMAZING.

Oh, and I rode the Zamboni, which was so incredibly cool and exhilarating and I wish it had been a good omen for the team.

Old Blood and Guts

This worked last year, so here we go.

Men, this stuff that some sources sling around about the Bulldogs wanting out of this season, not wanting to fight, is a crock of bull****. Bulldogs love to fight, traditionally. All real Bulldogs love the sting and clash of battle.

You are here today for three reasons. First, because you are here to defend your teammates and your loved fans. Second, you are here for your own self respect, because you would not want to be anywhere else. Third, you are here because you are real men and all real men like to fight. When you, here, every one of you, were kids, you all admired the champion hockey player, the fastest skater, the toughest checker, the big league goal-scorers, and the All-American hockey players. Bulldogs fans love a winner. Bulldogs fans will not tolerate a loser. Bulldogs fans despise cowards. Bulldogs fans play to win all of the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Bulldogs fans will not lose this year nor will ever lose in the future; for the very idea of losing is hateful to a Bulldogs fan.

You are not all going to die. Only two percent of you right here today would die in a major battle. Death must not be feared. Death, in time, comes to all men. Yes, every man is scared in his first hockey game. If he says he's not, he's a liar. Some men are cowards but they skate the same as the brave men or they get the hell slammed out of them watching men play who are just as scared as they are. The real hero is the man who plays hockey even though he is scared. Some men get over their fright in a minute under fire. For some, it takes an hour. For some, it takes days. But a real man will never let his fear of ending the season overpower his honor, his sense of duty to his fanbase, and his innate manhood. Hockey is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base. Bulldog players pride themselves on being He-Men and they ARE He-Men.

Remember that the enemy is just as frightened as you are, and probably more so. They are not supermen. All through your hockey careers, you men have bitched about what you call "chicken **** practice." That, like everything else for this team, has a definite purpose. That purpose is alertness. Alertness must be bred into every player. I don't give a **** for a man who's not always on his toes.

You men are veterans or you wouldn't be here. You are ready for what's to come. A man must be alert at all times if he expects to score goals. If you're not alert, sometime, a Fighting Sioux son-of-an-*******-***** is going to sneak up behind you and beat you to death with a sock full of ****! There are four hundred neatly marked graves somewhere in Colorado Springs, all because one goalie went to sleep on the job. But they are Tiger graves, because we caught the ******* asleep before they did.

The Bulldogs are a team. They live, sleep, eat, and fight as a team. This individual heroic stuff is pure horse ****. The bilious ******** who write that kind of stuff for the Grand Forks Herald don't know any more about real fighting under fire than they know about *******! We have the finest food, the finest equipment, the best spirit, and the best men in the WCHA. Why, by God, I actually pity those poor sons-of-bitches we're going up against. By God, I do. My 'Dogs don't surrender, and I don't want to hear of any player on my team sitting on the bench unless he has been hit. Even if you are hit, you can still fight back. That's not just bull **** either. The kind of player that I want on my team is just like MacGregor Sharp, who, with a hockey stick against his chest, jerked off his helmet, swept the stick aside with one hand, and busted the hell out of the UND player with his helmet. Then he went out and killed another UND player before they knew what the hell was coming off. There was a real man!

All of the real heroes are not storybook pure goal scorers, either. Every single man on this team plays a vital role. Don't ever let up. Don't ever think that your job is unimportant. Every man has a job to do and he must do it. Every man is a vital link in the great chain. What if every grinder suddenly decided that he didn't like the bang of bodies into the boards, turned yellow, and jumped headlong into the bench? The cowardly ******* could say, 'Hell, they won't miss me, just one man in twenty.' But, what if every man thought that way? Where in the hell would we be now? What would our team, our fans, our arena, even the world, be like? No, ******* it, Bulldogs don't think like that. Every man does his job. Every man serves the whole. Every line, every shift, is important in the vast scheme of this war. The powerplay is needed to supply the guns and machinery of war to keep us rolling. The equipment manager is needed to bring up sticks and skates because where we are going there isn't a hell of a lot to steal. Every last man on this team has a job to do, even the one who fills our water bottles to keep us from getting the 'G.I. *****'.

Each man must not think only of himself, but also of his buddy playing beside him. We don't want yellow cowards on this team. They should be killed off like rats. If not, they will go home after this game and breed more cowards. The brave men will breed more brave men. Kill off the ********* cowards and we will have a recruiting pipeline of brave men. One of the bravest men that I ever saw was Drew Akins in the midst of a furious fire fight in Mankato. I stopped and asked what the hell he was doing there at a time like that. He answered, 'Kicking their ***, Sir.' I asked, 'Isn't it a bad time to take a penalty right now?' He answered, 'Yes Sir, but the ********* goalie must be stood up for.' I asked, 'Don't those player cross-checking you from behind bother you?' And he answered, 'No, Sir, but you sure as hell do!'

Now, there was a real man. A real player. There was a man who devoted all he had to his duty, no matter how seemingly insignificant his duty might appear at the time, no matter how great the odds. And you should have seen those penalty killers on Sunday at tDECC. Those guys were magnificent. All day and all night they blocked those son-of-a-******** shots, never stopping, never faltering from their course, with pucks bouncing off them all the time. We got through on good old Bulldog guts.

Many of those players played for over thirty minutes a game. These men weren't goal-scoring men, but they were players with a job to do. They did it, and in one hell of a way they did it. They were part of a team. Without team effort, without them, the game would have been lost. All of the links in the chain pulled together and the chain became unbreakable.

Don't forget, you men don't know that I'm here. No mention of that fact is to be made in any letters. The world is not supposed to know what the hell happened to me. I'm not supposed to be commanding this team. I'm not even supposed to be here in St. Paul. Let the first bastards to find out be the ********* Sioux fans. Someday I want to see them raise up on their ****-soaked hind legs and howl, 'Jesus Christ, it's the ********* Bulldogs again and that daughter-of-a-*******-***** RWD.' We want to get the hell over there." The quicker we clean up this ********* mess, the quicker we can take a little jaunt to the ******* regionals and clean up there, too. Before the ********* Sioux get all of the credit.

Sure, we want to go to the NCAAs. We want this weekend over with. The quickest way to get it over with is to go get the ******** who stand in our way. The quicker they are whipped, the easier we'll get into the tournament. The easiest way in is through UND and Denver. And when we get to UND, I am personally going to shoot that paper hanging son-of-a-***** Hakstol. Just like I'd shoot a snake!

When a team is playing in a defensive shell, if they just stay there all day, the Sioux will get to them eventually. The hell with that idea. The hell with taking it. My men don't play the trap. I don't want them to. The trap only slows up an offensive. Keep moving. And don't give the enemy time to play one, either. We'll win this game, but we'll win it only by fighting and by showing the Sioux that we've got more guts than they have; or ever will have. We're not going to just beat the sons-of-*******, we're going to rip out their living ********* guts and use them to grease the treads of our bus tires. We're going to murder those lousy Sioux **** ******* by the bushel-*******-basket.

Hockey is a bloody, killing business. You've got to spill their blood, or they will spill yours. Rip them up the belly. Shoot them in the guts. When pucks are flying all around you and you wipe the sweat off your face and realize that instead of sweat it's the blood and guts of what once was your teammate beside you, you'll know what to do! I don't want to get any messages saying, 'I am holding my position.' We are not holding a ********* thing. Let the Sioux do that. We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding onto anything, except the enemy's *****. We are going to twist his ***** and kick the living **** out of him all of the time. Our basic plan of operation is to advance and to keep on advancing regardless of whether we have to go over, under, or through the enemy. We are going to go through them like crap through a goose; like **** through a tin horn!

From time to time there will be some complaints that we are pushing our players too hard. I don't give a good ******* about such complaints. I believe in the old and sound rule that an ounce of sweat will save a gallon of blood. The harder WE push, the more Sioux we will kill. The more Sioux we kill, the fewer of our men will be killed. Pushing means fewer casualties. I want you all to remember that.

There is one great thing that you men will all be able to say after this tournament is over and you are in the regionals once again. You may be thankful that forty years from now when you are sitting by the fireplace with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what you did in college hockey, you WON'T have to cough, shift him to the other knee and say, 'Well, your Granddaddy shoveled **** in Bemidji.' No, Sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say, 'Son, your Granddaddy played with the Bulldogs and a Son-of-a-*********-***** named Scott Sandelin!'

General George S. Patton

Maybe Next Time...

Well, Felon of the Year Matt Frattin shall be sitting this weekend for his hit on Kevin Wehrs. Ciskie has the YouTube video of it. Of course, Sioux fans are crying out for yet ANOTHER injustice against Matt Frattin. You know, the same guy who was magically acquitted of drunken driving despite failing sobriety tests. He's truly the victim here. There is a clear conspiracy against the Sioux. Why else would he be suspended????? It is a TRAVESTY. A MISCARRIAGE of JUSTICE. HE MUST BE AVENGED!!!!

Or maybe, just maybe, he's actually being justly and correctly punished for once?

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats?

There's No Place Like Home

tUMD 3, Tiggies 2 (OT)
tUMD 3, Tiggies 5
tUMD 4, Tiggies 0

















Yes. I know. It is Tuesday. Blah. Bite me.

Friday I missed the whole game. I had class. It was very stressful. Especially since I started my quiz knowing the score was 2-1. Overtime win. Yay.

Saturday I had school all day and then zoomed up. Learned that I 100% definitely absolutely did not win the high school hockey pool. This comes as no surprise. There is no way someone in this universe had a perfect AA pool.

Oh Saturday. Team Cougar needed you to be a good day, and you were not. We lost in the fantasy league playoffs. Arghs. Well, at least we didn't have to pay.

Saturday I split my time between the student section and the other end of the rink with my family. The first period was somewhat uneventful. tUMD scored early in the game and I felt hope.

And then my hopes were dashed by two CC goals within a minute of each other. And then brought back up by 2 power play goals by tUMD (going 3 for 3 at the time). And also very very very very very very very confused, as tUMD was called for icing on the PK. This caused some shenanigans. And then my hopes were dashed again by a CC PPG.

I want to discuss the fourth CC goal for a moment. It was a result of a scrum in front of the net that lasted for about 10 hours. Many others have pointed it out, but really, refs, did you have your eyes on the puck the whole time?

Saturday night was fun, although not as fun as a sweep would have been. And also it wasn't very fun to freeze my everything off on an air mattress while listening to Yager and Mike snoring on the couches. Blahhhh. Most of Sunday I was hung over without drunkenness. AGAIN. Cruel.

And then Sunday. And the perfect game. Or a perfect game. The FF championship game against DU was probably more perfect, but still.

There were many penalties, certainly. One was called 6 seconds into the game, which is probably the quickest penalty I've ever seen. tUMD did not score on that PP. Huttel got kicked out of the game. He seemed very angry about it. Perhaps it was for the best, we did not need anyone getting DQd. (More on that later.) Gabe Guentzel was also kicked out of the game. Then Nate Prosser was stupid and took a penalty too. He tried to hurt My Jacky I think. UNACCEPTABLE. So we got a goal during that 5x3 and then another one. See, Gophers, this is how you do it. Also we did the Mexican hat dance. And Biddco did a 3-legged-race and came in 2nd, a MAJOR comeback from last place, facilitated by two other teams falling.

I was so happy with a win! The final playoff game at the DECC, and it's won in a commanding fashion. With ALLEGEDLY 3402 people there. Right. But anyway, AMAZING. Lovely. Glorious. And Drew had a nice little speech. It was cute.

And I got home at midnight Sunday, and had to work the next morning. Good lord. I'm STILL tired. Kill me.

Picks and Pans

Well, between Donald and me, no one did a recap of Saturday's game. Oops. Hope no one is devastated.

I would be completely lame if I didn't call out Jordan Fulton for his totally awesome and insane performance on Saturday night. Four points (1+3) consisting of the game-opening goal 19 seconds into the second period, an assist on a somewhat controversial goal scored by My Jacky, an assist on David Grun's power play goal that came 27 seconds after a shorthanded goal by UAA, and an assist on Grun's second power play goal just five minutes later. Buddy, you picked a great game to have a career night (so did my homeslice David Grun!!)

A lot of bloggers, both with and without media credentials, have been posting their ballots for the WCHA's end-of-season awards. I'm going to jump on the bandwagon here and pull my levers and punch my chads. You can review my picks from 2008-2009 here. And yes, I do enjoy setting back bloggers' progress toward recognition as serious journalists.

First Team
F Jack Connolly
F Mike Connolly
F Justin Fontaine
D Brady Lamb
D Mike Montgomery
G Kenny Reiter

Second Team
F Rob Bordson
F Travis Oleksuk
F Kyle Schmidt
D Dylan Olsen
D Scott Kishel
G Brady Hjelle

Third Team
F David Grun
F Drew Akins
F Mike Seidel
D Chad Huttel
D Wade Bergman
G Aaron Crandall

Rookie Team
F Mike Seidel
F Keegan Flaherty
F Dan Delisle
D Dylan Olsen
D Wade Bergman
G Aaron Crandall

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
Player of the Year: Jack Connolly
Rookie of the Year: Mike Seidel
Coach of the Year: Scott Sandelin

We've also got the Boys' Hockey State High School Tournament! Here are my prognostications (yes I know one game is over already but I promise I had already picked it):

AA
Quarterfinals
Roseau over Edina
Blaine over Apple Valley
Minnetonka over Lakeville North
Duluth East over Hill-Murray

Consolation semifinals
Edina over Apple Valley
Hill-Murray over Lakeville North

Consolation champs
Edina over Hill-Murray

Semifinals
Blaine over Roseau
Minnetonka over Duluth East

Third Place
Duluth East over Roseau

Champs
Minnetonka over Blaine, score 4-3

A
Quarterfinals
Mahtomedi over Alexandria (I'm right!)
Hermantown over Virginia-Mountain Iron-Buhl
Breck over New Ulm
Warroad over Rochester-Lourdes

Consolation semifinals
Virginia-Mountain Iron-Buhl over Alexandria
Rochester-Lourdes over New Ulm

Consolation champs
Virginia-Mountain Iron-Buhl over Rochester-Lourdes

Semifinals
Hermantown over Mahtomedi
Warroad over Breck

Third Place
Breck over Mahtomedi

Champs
Hermantown over Warroad, score 6-5

Lastly, TEAM COUGAR has advanced to the WCHA Fantasy Hockey League finals against all odds. Team Cougar and Team UNDUIs (Dirty's team) made a perfectly-legal-though-not-quite-ethical trade, and the league commissioners decided they would change the rules of the game. Just another reason to hate St. Cloud fans. Despite this ULTRA SHADY SNEAKY UNDERHANDED PETTY JEALOUS MOVE on the part of the "league," Team Cougar is primed for the playoffs. Hello, Jacky? Please get a hat trick. Love, me.

Mush! Mush!

Bulldogs fans, fear not. tUMD has someone VERY familiar with Anchorage who just arrived to help tDogs win tonight!

"This Is A Simple Game"

Horribleness 2, UAA 3



Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

There's not nearly enough swearing in this video, but there is some, so if you are offended by it, then just don't click. But it's actually much less offensive than the way tUMD played tonight.

Tougher In Alaska, Too

It's our final road trip of the season, and it's going to be a tough one. tUMD generally doesn't fare very well against UAA in general, and certainly not in Anchorage. We saw what happened last time, despite Drew Akins's best attempts to prepare.

This time, Drew brought a friend.

Here are the Drews after they landed their chartered helicopter. Halfway through the rotors went out and they had to fly it themselves. Boy are their arms tired.

Drew takes a moment to drink in the natural beauty of Alaska, the Last Frontier, before he gets down to biznass.

Drew unloads all the gear himself. Except for the Vermont tournament.
Sandy made him take a weekend off and made someone else do it, and they screwed up.

Drew saves lives. Here he is after saving four adults, quintuplets,
a Great Dane, a hairless cat, and a player piano from a burning house.

The Drews took part of their workouts from Spiderman comics: web-slinging, hanging upside down,
and climbing tall things. Note that I am totally kicking their badonkadonks.

See, here's Drew with some of the web-slinging equipment.

Akins taught Olson his tips and tricks for success in the Duluth Rodeo, which,
as we learned in the first Tougher in Alaska post, is roping boats offshore and hauling them into port.
Akins is demonstrating his technique for securing his quarry.

Drew saw this stupid UAF intro video and was like "Eff that noise, I can destroy Anchorage myself."
He commandeered some heavy machinery...

And now he's ready to ravage UAA!

"Remember kids, don't try this at home! I'm a professional!"

Ok, Bulldogs, let's follow the Golden Rule and do unto the Seawolves as they did unto us lastyear.

I'm a Bee!

tUMD 3, Shame On Ice 0

I'm a little sad today after the United States' loss to the Canadians in the gold medal game. I was so pumped up after Parise tied the game and I really, really thought the U.S. could win it. I'm so proud to have those guys represent our country, though! They exceeded everyone's expectations.

Oh yes, the hockey game last night. I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well. Coming down with a cold or something. Blah. No, I'm not hungover. If only.

Yesterday's game was so lovely! I was really excited to 1. get mondo fantasy points and 2. see tUMD get a much-needed and much-deserved win to CLINCH HOME ICE FOR THE PLAYOFFS. Hjelle looked fantastic last night and came up with clutch saves when we needed them.

Let's not talk about the game. Let's talk about something else.

HOW I GOT MIKE SEIDEL'S GAME-WORN JERSEY.

The jerseys (which can be seen here) made the team look somewhat like bumblebees, which inspired the title. Yes, I know the song is terrible, but you better believe I was rocking out to it at the Sports Garden in my bee jersey. Also, I'm not sure why they decided to auction off the jerseys the same night they were being worn. Because, um, gross.

So, I went over before the game to put a bid on a few jerseys. Jacky's was already up to $600 at that point and really, I am weird enough, I cannot be the weird girl who paid $625 for his jersey and then has to go retrieve it and say BY THE WAY I ALSO MAKE UP CUTESY NICKNAMES FOR YOU AND PHOTOSHOP YOUR HEAD ONTO THINGS. No, that cannot happen. Also, please, why would I spend that much on a jersey when there are cheaper ones.

So I bid on Travis Oleksuk's and then I looked at Mike Seidel's and saw that his dad was the current winning bidder, and I wavered a moment before reminding myself that I am a terrible and heartless person and then outbid his dad and then went to my seat.

Just before the second period I went over to the bidding tables again to make another bid. I had been outbid on Oleksuk's and decided to go for Seidel's, where I had also been outbid.

Thus began the longest 15 minutes of my life.

The auction ended at the puck drop, and once the intermission began, the table was swarmed. There were a few people who gave up, but most people were crowded around the table, trying to find the sheet with the jersey that they wanted to bid on, or check on their bids, or find a new jersey if they had been outbid by too much.

It was pretty hilariously ruthless. My 8-year-old friend, who was bidding on Danberg's jersey, employed cuteness as a tactic. Some people just announced extremely high amounts they were willing to bid. I just yelled at people DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I actually did have someone outbid me right in front of me, and then I picked up my pen (I BROUGHT MY OWN PEN) and outbid him by $50. POINT TAKEN. Fortunately that person ended up with a different jersey.

I was pretty much on the verge of passing out standing there guarding my bid. It seemed as though time was standing still, and at one point it sort of was, because The Aaaahj was looking at the scoreboard clock and it stopped moving. THAT WAS NOT COOL, SMITTY. NOT COOL. And then suddenly, miraculously, time expired, and the bidding sheets were swept away, and I WAS TRIUMPHANT. And sweating bullets from the body heat of people crowded around me. Argh.

After the game we paid for our jerseys (which took a long time because of some unpleasantness occurring in front of me) and then we got herded downstairs to some sort of reception area, which was kind of embarrassing because the players were all waiting in a line for us, and we had to pass them in the hallway and they got a good look at the psychos willing to fork over beaucoup bucks for their dirty laundry. Ha. And we all had these dorky signs like we were at the airport that said the name of our player.

Every account I heard said that the players were all very kind, very gracious and very friendly. I expected NOTHING LESS from our players and was presently surprised. I heard a lot of thank yous from the guys as I listened to the buzz in the room. Of course Mike was a very awesome guy, I know that My Guys are totally awesome peeps or else they would not be My Guys. I had him sign my jersey and asked jokingly if it was nice and sweaty for me. I was fortunate as the person next to me received a jersey that was practically dripping with perspiration. Mine was mostly dry. And also had the added bonus of keeping people away from me at the Garden because of its perfume. (Also probably because I was a weird girl in a jersey.) Rumor has it that I got my jersey for a song compared to Mike's RoughRiders jersey, which went for almost $1700. Then I stole a Sharpie marker and left. Because I am a ninja.

Just a Thought

Hey guys.

I know this losing streak makes us the laughingstock of the league right now, but string some wins together starting tomorrow night, and it won't matter that the referee threw a pick on Huttel, or Jacob Cepis stuck his leg in Hjelle's way when he was trying to make a save on the 3rd goal, or that Don Lucia doesn't know a one-handed shove from a body check. It won't matter that people have taken ill-advised penalties or shot directly into the chest of a defenceman or fanned on open nets. Winning hides a multitude of sins.

By the way: killing that 5 minute penalty was glorious. OUTSTANDING job.

The Gauntlet: Abbreviated Edition

Oh yes, people, it’s back. The Gauntlet. It’s not in its traditional style, but I am nothing if not accommodating of my victims. It's short, kind of a mini-Gauntlet. A Gauntlette.

Glove-slapped this week is Jupiter, the benevolent dictator at Gopher Puck Live, the premier source of arrogance on the Interwebs!

RWD: Why did you start Gopher Puck Live?

JUP: During the 2003 Frozen Four, both Matt & Kyle Baron [whoever they are] were in Buffalo and the PrideonIce website [GPL’s precursor] went down. There was nothing they could do while on the road, so I used my family website to create a temporary message board for people to use until they got POI back online. But I just decided to keep the site up and running. [Way to use their misfortune to your advantage!]

RWD: Describe GPL for the casual internet surfer.

JUP: It's place to stay updated on Gopher Hockey and a gathering place for Gopher and college hockey fans. [GPL has a message board, blogs, news stories, and Doug Woogisms, among other things.]

RWD: What do you like the most about running the board?

JUP: The interaction with fellow fans. [How heartwarming! *gag*]

RWD: What is the worst part about running the board?

JUP: The constant monitoring of the site to make sure everything is up and running.

RWD: How did it feel to have rumors on GPL spark a statement from the University and Jordan Schroeder? [Fans may remember that after Sam Lofquist left, a power-hungry recluse who shall remain nameless hinted that another player was leaving, and mass hysteria led to the conclusion that Jordan Schroeder was the player leaving.]

JUP: It was embarrassing. But GPL is an open site, so it was only a matter of time until something like that happened.

RWD: Why do you allow shady characters with questionable journalism tactics such as Cardinal write on the site?

JUP: Well.... I have ZERO writing skills [on display right now!], so someone had to do it.

RWD: Is it true that Cardinal et al. slave away for free? Is that even legal?

JUP: Yep... but I will have to refer you to my lawyer on the legality of it. But since he gets in to the games for free, I really don't think he minds all that much. [Jeez, big shots.]

RWD: Do you pay the moderators for their iron-fisted approach toward innocent tUMD fans? [RWD, DHG, and Beersong were recently suspended by GPL Moderator Greyeagle for our attempts to add some fun to the forum.]

JUP: There is no need to pay them. The satisfaction they get from beating on your guys [I don’t believe it ever came to physical violence, at least not in my case. But if it did, we all know that Gophers just turtle and as I’m an honorable lady, I’d have to walk away] is more than enough reward for them. The best part is the main GPL moderator, Greyeagle, went to college at UMD. [And failed out, most likely.]

RWD: You've played a lot of jokes with tUMD fans as you helped DHG with tPB. What are some of the pranks you've pulled, and which one is your favorite?

JUP: Well... we first had the sabotaged tUMD logo with Goldy Gopher making frequent appearances. I've done that one twice. Then last year I made the site look like it was painted with Pepto-Bismol. [It also had little kissy-lips icons] That little prank made it into the Strib Hockey Blog [so four people read about it]... DHG figured out how to fix that [even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes], so I pulled his admin privileges so he couldn't do anything about it. I think he got a bit pissed. This year I went a different direction with the embedded audio file, so the Minnesota Rouser played on every single page on the message board.... It's really hard to pick a favorite, but if I had to do it I would pick the first time I changed the logo. The first time is always the best for anything.

RWD: Why do so many Gopher fans like the Duluth road trip so much?

JUP: I don't know about everyone else, but I like it for many reasons. For one thing it's close to the cities, but not close enough for a home and home so we get to stay the entire weekend. [He means home/away, of course, and those are so stupid.] Having everything you want for a road trip in a few square block radius is awesome too. Hotels, restaurants and many bars are all within a short walk to the DECC. Plus, as long as you are not a jerk [and that’s a gargantuan if], the Bulldog fans are great to hangout with. Quite honestly, I really don't care how well the Gophers perform during our trip up there. We have a great time no matter what. I can't say that is the case for a few other WCHA locations I have visited.

RWD: How did you become a Gopher fan?

JUP: I went to Jefferson High School. When one of my favorite players (Tom Pederson) started playing for the U [He played for Miami?], I wanted to follow his career. [Jupiter = jersey chaser!] I pretty much became a Gopher fan right away.

RWD: What is your favorite moment in Gopher hockey history that you have personally witnessed?

JUP: Oh boy... I wasn't at either of the National Championship games. [What, couldn’t get free tickets so you didn’t go?] So I would have to say the Blake Wheeler overtime winner against UND a few years back to win the Final Five.

RWD: Who are your favorite players, current and all-time?

JUP: Mike Crowley. [Who’s he? He sucks? But srsly, click the link, the song is so badass!] He was just THAT good. [Possibly because he worships Satan.] 157 points in 3 years. That is one point short of the all time record at the U for defensemen. It took current Wild coach Todd Richards 4 years for his 158 points. So the fact the Mike was one point short in only 3 years was amazing. I have yet to have seen a freshman defenceman come in and do what Mike did. [This is the end of this answer, which means he hates all current players. Understandable.]

RWD: Who is the hottest (and by this I mean MOST ATTRACTIVE) Gopher player?

JUP: Terra Rasmussen... I don't like her bleached hair so much, but she looks fairly cute... Next time you should specify the men’s team so I don't have an "out" for that question. However, since you asked, I find Alex Kangas’s ears deliciously sexy.*

RWD: Are you pro- or anti-Don Lucia?

JUP: No comment at this time. [Blah. What a wimp.]

RWD: Who will be the next coach of the Gophers?

JUP: If there is a new coach, I would like to see a younger guy. Maybe Scott Bell [head coach of Hamline and Gopher alumnus] or maybe Tom Ward [head coach of Shattuck-St. Mary’s, Gopher alumnus and former Gopher assistant coach]. I am not a huge Blais guy. [Thousands of UND fans just gasped in shock.]

RWD: Why does FSN allow Woog to broadcast with a blood alcohol level of .18?

JUP: Sorry... Not gonna bite on this one. It's the "Wooger"! [LAMES!]

RWD: How do the Gophers get a win this weekend?

JUP: Luck. [Well, as long as you’ve got a game plan.]

RWD: And how do they lose?

JUP: Just like FireHelmetGuy, they have trouble scoring. It has been their Achilles’ heel all year long. If they can't put up at least 3, they won't win.

RWD: Score predictions?

JUP: Friday 3-2 UM[TC][WRONG], Saturday 5-1 UMD [RIGHT]

*May or may not have actually been said by Jupiter.

Varmints

North Dakota Fans Curiously Silent About Recent Hit to Head

As anyone who reads college hockey blogs knows, North Dakota fans have been very adamant about WCHA leadership adopting tougher penalities for hits to the head. These fans have launched what appeared to be a league-wide campaign against hits to the head, expressing outrage over injuries to their own Chay Genoway as well as Wisconsin's Blake Geoffrion.

In an odd turn of events, UND fans seem reticent to condemn the most recent offender, Corban Knight, for his elbow to the head of Mike Connolly. According to Kevin Pates, Connolly's face was smashed into the glass, and he has a black eye and concussion as a result of the play. One can only assume these fans are regrouping for another attack on the league office after this vicious hit went unpenalized by WCHA officiating tandem CJ Beaurline and Pete Friesema, and will soon be calling for the suspension of Knight.

Here is the penalty. I expect UND fans to demand a suspension.

With Love From Me to You

Happy Valentine's Day, Comrades!

Bee Mine

Just in time for Valentine's Day, word on the street is previously uncommitted Mr. Hockey finalist Cal Decowski has chosen tUMD over the Ivy League. Obviously this must have come upon learning tUMD is the Harvard of the Midwest.

***EDIT this is UNCONFIRMED***

***EDIT2 THIS IS CONFIRMED!!!!!***