Silent Spring

Huh, how about that? Nearly a month has gone by since our lives were made complete.

Let's wrap up a few things.

First, College Hockey Armageddon appears to have passed us by. Scary Princeton Coach is going to go to Nouveau Riche University instead of our coach, who somehow still does not have a contract. Dear Bob, get it done or I am not sending you ANY MONIES. Michigan Tech has a new coach, too. Some Michigan person. Clearly he's trading up by going to the WCHA.

RWD awards for the season:

My Guy of the year is Jack Connolly, for the second year in a row.

Freshman of the year is JT Brown, though Justin Faulk was breathing down his neck.

Jacky is also the Connolly Champion, though with Mike gone he will not be able to defend his title.

Drew Olson wins the penalty title over Dan DeLisle, which was uninteresting as neither took a boatload of penalties.

Seniors Trent Palm, Kyle Schmidt, Mike Montgomery, Chad Huttel and Justin Fontaine leave us. Thank you for your fierce and unwavering commitment to the program, for making it better than when you arrived, and for giving us your very best no matter what was asked of you. Palm played on one leg. Schmidt had hand surgery days before scoring the game winning goal against Michigan. Montgomery and Fontaine gave up pro opportunities to return to school. Huttel stuck with the program despite limited playing time.

Thanks to your families as well; all five of you have families who were vocal and visible in their support for you and for the program. I didn't go to a single road game without seeing at least one Palm, Schmidt, Montgomery, Huttel or Fontaine in the crowd. Sometimes even wearing a gorilla suit or a blonde wig, making candy for fellow fans, or buying beers for rowdy road-trippers.

I'm contemplating a site re-design but haven't seen anything I liked yet. Don't worry, it won't become busy or overloaded with ads or scripts that crash your browsers, it will still be as spartan as ever. At the very least I will be doing a new banner for the off-season.

Posting will be sporadic throughout the summer, as always. I might have some other stuff to say about the season, and of course there's the All-Hottie team, and I'm trying to get tickets to the draft. I'll tweet if I update and try to keep you informed of any exciting and fun news going on in the world of Bulldog hockey.

Thanks again for reading, for your comments and your emails and tweets. Thank you for the sense of community you all provide, as Bulldog fans or as hockey fans in general. In the seven seasons I've been writing this site, I've never once wanted to shut the site down; it is always fun and the connections I've made as a result of writing are priceless. What you folks say makes me laugh, makes me think and humbles me. Victories are sweeter and losses are easier to bear when we celebrate and suffer together.

Take Good Care of My Babies

So, we bid farewell to Justin Faulk and Mike Connolly.

Here's Justin's press release and apparently the Sharks are too busy to have one for Mike's signing.

Sure, we'd have love to have both of them for another year. But Justin is the most outstanding freshman defenceman I've ever seen (he blows EJ out of the water) and there's no way that he was staying. We were lucky to have a player of that caliber who also had a lifelong dream of being a Bulldog. I have no doubt he gave us his very best and while I'm sad to see him go, I wish him nothing but the best.

And Mike. It's been a treat watching him over the past three years. A few years ago, a Camrose fan posted on tPB and told us he was even better than Mason Raymond, and we thought it was impossible. Well, Alice, there's some use in believing in impossible things, because in the college game, Mike was better.

The two most memorable goals of Mike Connolly's career are his goal against Yale where he scored short-handed and then plowed over a Yale player, and his overtime game-winner against Princeton that caused absolute pandemonium among the toga-ers. I will never, ever forget those goals. Mike is leaving at the pinnacle of his career: national champion, All-American, WCHA superstar and Bulldog legend.

Thank you both for your hard work and your legacy. Make us proud in the NHL.

The Game That Was

tUMD 3, Ugly Helmets 2

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Saturday started as a day like any other day. I fell asleep watching Miracle, as I had done before the Union game, the Yale game and the Notre Dame game. The sky was gray but it was warm out, and for a moment as I got out of bed it seemed no different from a normal weekend morning.

Then I remembered that tUMD was playing for a national championship in just a few hours and it was like being hit by a bus. The impact of the realization was so powerful it was almost physically jolting.

And so I did what any smart hockey fan would do: I laced up my skates and played hockey for two hours. Every year a cabal of USCHO posters organizes a hockey game at the Frozen Four. It's supposed to be just for fun, a good time and a way for people who hurl insults at each other in the anonymity of the internet to face up to their behaviours. (This is no problem for me because I am truly a horrible person.)

For me it was two blissful hours where I didn't have to quiver in fear at the implications of the upcoming game. Two hours where I was the one playing and attempting to make things happen on the ice. I mostly failed at making anything happen, but here is a picture of me looking awesome.

As you can tell, I (second from the left) am getting burned by Yager (far left) for the 700th time. But that's ok because in the rest of the pictures I'm standing around like a fatty. You can tell it's me because of the horrible bright yellow ponytail. Also something quite strange happened in the locker room afterward but you'll have to ask me about that on your own time.

It was fantastic to focus solely on the game at hand and just to step out on the ice and skate and have a good time. I left feeling a Zenlike equanimity I hadn't had since the season started.

Of course, once we were in the car heading to the Xcel, the PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! alarm was going off inside my head. It was like 7 fire alarms, 3 tornado sirens, the horrible monthly test of the emergency broadcasting system noise and an air raid siren ALL AT ONCE. Plus a panic attack, brain aneurysm, freefall from 10,000 feet and ADHD. Oh my.

We sat at McGovern's for awhile, everyone but me acting totally normal and watching golf. Why, I don't know, because who freaking cares? It's not even interesting. Eric Stromgren from the Bemidji Pioneer stopped by to say hello. Randomly he happens to be friends with this person who bought a bee jersey last year and was standing in line with me when we were buying them.

FINALLY I convinced everyone to go over to the UMD event at the River Center. We sat there for awhile until I couldn't stand it anymore and ditched the rest of my group to go to my seat (which is good because they didn't arrive until puck drop, and the also stole a UMD flag from somewhere) and I sat there alone until Dirty showed up.

When Michigan scored, it was like Thursday all over again, and I thought I was going to vomit. Rather than vomiting, Travis Oleksuk scored a goal. Michigan started taking all these penalties and then Max Tardy banged home his own rebound and made a believer out of me. Then something weird happened and My Jacky was lying on the ice and the puck was in the net behind Kenny and I thought "Oh my god we're not going to win" even though it was tied. My gal Britt came up during the intermission and helped me pass the time without having a nervous breakdown.

In the 3rd period Michigan was given a power play for... running into Brady Lamb (who had an assist on all three goals, FYI), I guess. I mean, really, whatever. Then JT Brown made an incredible play to bring the puck up the ice for a shorthanded scoring chance and Merrill had no choice but to haul him down and we were at fours. JT drew about 3 penalties and could have drawn a few more. It was so funny to watch him frustrate Michigan. Well, it's funny now that I can relax and breathe.

When the game went to overtime I wanted to... I don't even know. I felt like I was going to pass out. I walked around the arena and found Biddco and we just sort of panicked together. I talked to a Sioux fan friend of mine and I also saw the Maroon Loon blogger who claims that I said "Don't worry, we'll be celebrating soon," as he walked away from me. That's so unlike me. I'm more likely to say "Don't worry, we'll be committing mass suicide soon."

I walked back to my seat in a daze, and to be honest I probably should have stayed in my seat. I felt like I was going to faint. Then I heard the crowd start to roar just as I rounded one of the pillars in the corner and I went RUNNING for the nearest stairway just in time to see Mike Connolly with a great scoring chance.

The only reason I can tell you how the winning goal went is because I've seen it so many times in replay. All I know is the puck was in the net and my brother practically pile-drived (pile-drove?) me and I was screaming and crying and the Aaaahj was screaming "We're #1! We're #1!" and I fell over on to the seats and someone kicked my soda and it spilled everywhere and I called Schmidt's mom and screamed nonsensically into her voicemail and I don't even know.

I am amazed that for nothing more than the price of admission I could feel so amazing. But it's not the price of that ticket. It's years, and dozens of admissions, and hundreds of miles and thousands of words. All for something that, for someone who doesn't get it, seems so meaningless and insignificant. And if I think too hard about what it means to be a sports fan, it is completely ridiculous and I'm totally overly obsessive and I don't really care. If I cared what other people thought I wouldn't be writing RWD, ya know.

And really, what else in life can give a person the high highs without the low lows. I could never feel the way about a sports team that I do about, like, a death. But yet I was screaming "THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!" as we celebrated, high atop the upper deck, the ultimate victory after fifty years of almosts, could have beens and not a prayers.

I feel like in a way the window of opportunity for writing this post has probably gone. I should have written it Saturday night, if I was really dedicated, but I chose to go out and party like a puck star with my friends. We watched the game again at Tom Reid's and cheered the game all over again and sang the Beer Song and sang Don't Stop Believin' even though I'm still having a hard time believing that the Bulldogs are National Champions. I could have written it a dozen times this week but I had to get it just right and now I think the moment and the feeling have slipped through my fingers.

But it really happened, and no one can take that feeling away from us. To see the first national championship by my team? I don't think there are many Gopher fans, or Michigan fans, or UND fans who can say that. But when I'm 800 million years old (next year) I can tell all the young Bulldog fans in the student section what it was like to watch Kyle Schmidt do snow angels on the ice and see the players come flying off the bench and watch the fans, young and old, absolutely lose their minds as tUMD won the national championship, in overtime, in our home state.

Thanks for the memories.

No Joke

tUMD 4, Racist Mascots 3

There's nothing funny about winning.

Over the years I have had some horrible losses to write about. I mean, including this year. I try to spin the losses with humour, which is the entire foundation of this site, but with losses that makes sense. One needs a good laugh to dull the pain.

With winning, one doesn't need to be entertained, as one's already going OUT OF THEIR FREAKIN' MIND WITH JOY AND EXCITEMENT!

Which, by the way, I am, and I know you are all as well.

We arrived at the GPL tailgate just after 12 to a much smaller crowd than was at the Final Five, but that's expected. Still, it was great that the die-hards were there, no one does a tailgate like the GPL crew.

I missed the red carpet arrival because I was HOPING to get some food before heading over. I met up with my buddy and former UW blogger Badger Backer and made his friend and him come with me, then felt like a total tool when we missed it. Blah.

Honestly, I kind of wanted to die when tUMD gave up a goal 49 seconds in. It was just... so horrifying and sad and I thought it was the beginning of the end. JT Brown thought otherwise and found the back of the net so decisively that the puck bounced back out again. Something called TJ Tynan scored to get the Leprechauns another pot of gold, and I was ready to puke, and Kyle Schmidt was all "I have a bionic hand!" and we were at deuces. MCON scored another PPG and then the first period was over. You know, for some teams that's an entire game worth of scoring.

Not so for the Bulldogs, who were DOMINANT in the second period. Jack Connolly and his beard got a lovely power play goal (they were 3 for 6 on the PP, which is a Union-like stat, except we did it against a good team, not Army) and weathered some QUESTIONABLE penalties and QUESTIONABLE NON-CALLS ON INTERFERENCE and headed into the 3rd period with a two-goal lead.

The Leprechauns got a short handed goal by borrowing a player from their women's team named "Calle Ridderwall." tUMD was in the offensive zone battling for the puck along the endboards and totally jacked it up. WIN BATTLES WHEN YOU HAVE MORE PLAYERS. WHOA. The Leps took the puck all the way to the other and and into the Bulldog net, and then fear took over and I was unable feel any sort of confidence or hope we were going to hold the lead.

tUMD weathered a penalty for "Leprechaun dropping his stick" as well as 1:08 of extra attacking scariness and as the clock wound down the final seconds I was on my feet, knees shaking, and I nearly blacked out from the sheer panic and excitement and disbelief.

THE UMD BULLDOGS ARE GOING TO PLAY FOR A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.

On the Road

Why think about that when all the golden land's ahead of you and all kinds of unforeseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive to see? -Jack Kerouac, On the Road

The yellow brick road. The road not taken. The long and winding road. The road to redemption. Whatever we're on here, it's a helluva ride.

There were times when many of us wanted to give up. There were times when we felt like the season was slipping through our fingers. There were times when it felt like our players had given up. Too many times we'd read the same tired old quotations in the papers after a loss. "We weren't ready to play." "We didn't have the effort." "We didn't play as well as we thought we could." It was disheartening.

Instead, this weekend tUMD showed exactly what kind of team they really are. Gritty, defensively sound, with explosive offense. tUMD chased Yale's goaltender from the game after he gave up five goals, a season high. The power play was lethal, and they got a shorthanded goal and killed off a two-man disadvantage, which was actually more like a 2 1/2 man disadvantage as one player did not have a stick.

We've had our ups and downs, our roadblocks and setbacks. Forwards, defencemen, goalies, fans, everyone. We lost a player to the pros at mid-season. We had a horrible first game in our new rink. We limped into the playoffs, some might say. We lost to a lesser team in the Final Five.

And we closed down our rink in style. We won a marathon 3OT game. We had a player put up five goals on the southern branch of our school. We never got swept, never lost back to back games. We have a Hobey Baker finalist. AND WE ARE GOING TO THE FROZEN FOUR.

And by we, I mean the players of course.

Certainly there was a lot of pressure on tUMD on Saturday. Yale was ranked as the top team in the PWR, which comes with its own pressures, but most folks felt that ranking was undeserved, which means losing to them would be a bit shameful. I'm sure that was more in the minds of fans than anything else. (I think it's funny that fans think they know the mindset of players; one fan of a nameless team [literally] stated that tUMD deliberately lost to Bemidji in order to get placed in the East regional, which is ludicrous.)

tUMD had to weather quite the storm in the first period; the first ten minutes were uneventful but then they had to fight off the two-man disadvantage, followed by another penalty, and Kenny Reiter and the penalty kill stood tall. Then MCON and Fonz had a 2 on 1 on the PK and Mikey scored, then plowed over a Yale player and taunted him. And that set the tone for the game.

Bergy scored even strength on a soft goal that Rondeau just... I don't know, missed? He tried to catch it and looked like... well, what I would look like if I played goalie. Yale started to get chippy, and Jack Connolly scored a sick goal from a wicked angle on a power play after a Yale played ran Kenny.

Yale's Brian O'Neill scored on a power play and gave them a little life. Then he decided to run Jake Hendrickson and head-butt him. I thought Yale students were supposed to be smart, but I cannot think of a dumber thing to do. It wasn't O'Neill's first dangerous hit on a tUMD player; he also took an elbowing penalty earlier in the second. The referees decided to kick him out of the game. This was certainly a fortuitous call for tUMD and a backbreaker for Yale, but perhaps Mr. O'Neill will think twice about headshots now, knowing that his desire to injure other players contributed to the end of his team's season.

My Guy Mike Seidel scored on the power play 20 seconds in, and then when another Yale player made a dumb mistake and put them down two players, Justin Fontaine cashed in on a lovely tic-tac-toe play.

Yale scored two in the third period, which was enough to cause severe panic for Biddco and me. My heart was pounding and my legs were shaking. I couldn't stay still and had to pace around a little bit, then sit down, then stand, then sit. I couldn't even eat the green bean casserole with bacon that MEg had made.

Then tUMD's brilliant defence kicked in, and while I was still scared out of my mind, they remained calm and collected and in control. It wasn't until there were about 30 seconds left in the game that I really, truly believed we would win the game.

And then an overwhelming sense of relief flooded over me. I was completely exhausted when we got home after we finished watching the Ugly Helmets - CC game, and still somewhat unable to believe that tUMD is going to be in the Frozen Four. Two more wins and we can finally get that title. 27 years after we should have gotten the first one.

For once, it's not just about the journey, but the destination. GO BULLDOGS!!!!!

A Dish Best Served Cold

tUMD 4, SCCC 2
tUMD 3, SCCC 2 (3OT)

On 11 March, 2007, freshman defenceman Trent Palm was on the bench when Andreas Nodl ended tUMD's season at 11:33 of the 3rd overtime. Senior Josh Johnson made 62 saves in his last game as a Bulldog. There wasn't a single Bulldog player, staffer or fan who wasn't absolutely devastated by that loss.

And last night, two freshmen defencemen for St. Cloud were in the locker room getting IVs to rehydrate, one after cramping up on ice and crawling off after being trapped out there while tUMD maintained possession of the puck. Mike Lee made 60 saves before Mike Connolly finally got the puck past him and ended SCSU's season. I doubt there were any Husky players, staffers or fans who were not absolutely devastated.

We know how you feel. Really, we do.

And now we know what it's like to feel the ecstatic relief of a triple-overtime win. Since the student section numbers were down, I decided I'd stand with them and make some noise. I was missing my nice, padded, comfy chair in 216 after awhile, but those nice long bleachers are perfect for lying on for a quick rest at intermission. Oh yes, there were five intermissions. Five. They had the Duluth East - Eden Prairie game on between periods, which caused me even more stress, and then when East lost I was terrified the Bulldogs were going to suffer the same letdown.

The Bulldog defence wasn't going to let that happen. Mike Connolly put the puck in the net, but the defence won the game. St. Cloud's only goals came from a power play and a scrum around the net. Drew Olson somehow stopped a breakaway, coming out of nowhere. Everyone was getting bodies on players, sticks in passing lanes, and pucks off stickblades. Kenny made a third fewer saves than Mike Lee (who was outstanding) thanks to the defence. And the forwards were in on it, too, laying hits or stepping back if a defender jumped up into the play. Mike Seidel was a human wrecking ball. And Kenny stood his ground, like Gandalf with the Balroc.

Northland News Center video that includes the game-winner, which I did not even see because it was so far away and I didn't have the presence of mind to look at the video board because I was mobbing Biddco and friends.


Northland News Center video of the postgame comments by Mike Montgomery and Mike Connolly.


I am so happy. After the Hermantown loss, the East loss, and the UMD women's loss, it just felt like nothing could go right. I was so nervous it was hard to participate in chants. We were hungry, thirsty, people were sobering up... I mean, we're talking real tragedies here. Anyway, I am so VERY glad I'm not getting in my car at this moment to drive back to the Cities from Duluth after a game right now, and thanks to THE ENTIRE BULLDOG TEAM, I didn't have to!

And I'm sure Palm is beyond thrilled to be on the right end of overtime this time around.

Blog in the Time of Cholera

Ok, no, I don't have cholera. I'm just suffering from some horrible crud that has left me out of commission since Sunday. Yes, Sunday, and I know today is Thursday. Blah. This weekend is going to be exhausting.

The one upside is I have watched most of the state tournament, with the exception of the Edina/Blaine game, because I was still sleeping. Absolutely awesome game for the Greyhounds today, plus Hermantown and Hibbing advanced. My brackets aren't completely shot to heck, but both of my consolation winners have advanced, so blah.

tUMD racked up quite a few All-WCHA honors. Jack Connolly and Mike Connolly were both named to the first team, Justin Fontaine to the second team, Justin Faulk was both a third team and a rookie team selection, and JT Brown was a rookie team choice. [Edit: the WCHA's website had JT Brown on the 3rd team and finally corrected it.] Wade Bergman, Jack Connolly, Aaron Crandall, Dan DeLisle, Keegan Flaherty, Justin Fontaine, David Grun, Chad Huttel, Kenny Reiter and Kyle Schmidt all made the academic team! Great showing guys!!

So we've got a playoff series against the toothless hicks. Great. So glad to see them so soon after they clobbered us 8-2. Remember the whole "advocating suicide" post? Yeah. But now... now tUMD players are blonde. (And dear god, I got a sneak preview photo, and it is NOT PRETTY.) Blondes have more fun. Speaking as someone who has had every hair colour under the sun, I can confirm that. So guys, have FUN this weekend. BY WINNING. LOSING IS NOT FUN. Even if you may go out and enjoy yourselves afterward just the same while your fans go home and tear their hair out. Kenny Reiter! Making saves is fun! Both the easy ones and the crazy ones! Defence (meaning both defencemen and forwards in our zone)! Throwing hits is fun! Do it! Especially when players are trying to go to the net! Stop them! Forwards! And offensive defencemen! Scoring goals is fun! Try it a lot! Often! Constantly!

Damn, coaching is easy.

All-WCHA Ballot

It's that time of year again! The All-Conference ballots are being released. Might as well release mine.

First Team
F: Jack Connolly
F: Mike Connolly
F: Justin Fontaine
D: Justin Faulk
D: Mike Montgomery
G: Kenny Reiter

Second Team
F: Travis Oleksuk
F: JT Brown
F: Kyle Schmidt
D: Brady Lamb
D: Drew Olson
G: Aaron Crandall

Third Team
F: Mike Seidel
F: David Grun
F: Dan DeLisle
D: Wade Bergman
D: Trent Palm
G: Christian Gaffy

Rookies
F: JT Brown
F: Max Tardy
F: Joe Basaraba
D: Justin Faulk
D: Luke McManus
G: Christian Gaffy

Coach of the Year: Scott Sandelin
Player of the Year: Mike Connolly
Rookie of the Year: Justin Faulk

The Tygers

For any team other than DU, CC week is one of the most boring weeks of the season. Let us just read some poetry instead.

Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

-William Blake

That's a lovely poem. I was inspired to write some more.

Haiku
Goal! Connolly from
Connolly and Fontaine. And
the Bulldogs win it!

Limerick
There once was a player named Brown
Who liked to shut opponents down
On goalies he'd score
Check others into the boards
And make all of them look like a clown.

Elegy
The Golden Gopher once stood for glory
Its players were proud and brave
And now the players who wrote that story
Have all gone into the grave.

Couplet
Brett Hextall found his hair and hat
Jared Allen could have told him that.

Acrostic
For every shot he lets fly on
An
Unlucky goaltender, we Bulldog fans see how
Lucky we would be to
Keep him for another year.

Cinquain
Hockey
Fast, crazy
Skating, shooting, scoring
We need a win
Bulldogs

Sonnet
Bulldog hockey ebbs and flows
Its rabid fanbase shrinks and grows
We yell we scream we chant we cheer
We razz we boo we taunt we jeer
We think about what might have been
Had not we choked when in Boston
Had Fonz not been ruled in the crease
Had Kosti been tethered with a leash
We go to games when it's minus-twenty
Dear players, we have suffered plenty
Don't you think this year's the one
To go the distance on a playoff run
What's not important is the manner
In which you go and get that banner!

Agitating

tUMD 6, Mankato East High School JV Squad 2

You know what I love?

Winning.

You know what makes winning even sweeter?

Irritating opposing fans.

Last night's game started in typical (of late) Bulldog fashion. Eriah (horrible name) Hayes scored on a delayed penalty just over two minutes into the game. Weak. Mike Seidel made up for his penalty with a goal later in the period and we managed to get out of the first period even steven. Chad Huttel took a tripping penalty for a hip check that apparently the cave-dwellers in Mankato thought was kneeing.

Now for the irritation.

Mankato Coach Troy Jutting is known for three things: coaching goons, chain smoking, and whining constantly to the referees. And of course he started in his ref whining. And since I was within earshot of Jutting, I decided he needed a taste of his own medicine. And also to remind him that he needs to have a smoke. And people didn't like it! This horrible old hag behind me was just so offended. "You just don't go after a coach," she whined. "I always had a good impression of Duluth fans until now." Well, lady, I've never had a good impression of your fans, so you only cemented my opinion. I laughed at her passive-aggressive comments to her seatmates. I'd be embarrassed if Sandelin behaved the way Jutting did, not defensive of it.

At the end of the period Jutting decided to bend the ears of the referees again and we decided to remind the refs that they don't have to listen. And the Mankato fans didn't like that either. Hey, have a little respect for your Zamboni drivers. They need to get the ice re-surfaced.

In the second period tUMD took the lead on a JT Brown goal and then had a completely disastrous turnover to allow Mankato to tie it up. Guys, come on. Enough of that crap. PROTECT THE PUCK!!! HOLY CRAP!!!

Mike Seidel got his 2nd goal of the game (yeah for Team Coug!!!) on a power play just before it expired, which is always great. It's demoralizing for the killing team. And Trent Palm had an assist! Always great to see. Justin Faulk put the puck in the net on the next power play but it was waved off due to goaltender interference. Some Mankato fans decided to call tUMD cheaters, but failed to remark that, as they were on the penalty kill, they were also cheaters. MCON scored a legit goal on the next PP and then the period ended.

And the refs didn't even talk to Jutting! They just skated off while Jutting waited, shaking his head. Hilarious. Best decision they made all night!

In the 3rd, JT Brown scored another goal, making two players with two goals in the game, and then Justin Fontaine laid the hammer down. By that point, pretty much all the Mankato fans around me had left, which was so unfortunate! I wanted them to witness my glee! Although they witnessed plenty of glee from the SIX!!! SIX!!!!! SIX! goals we scored, so there's that. Also, to further solidify my high opinion of the people behind me, apparently while it is not ok to rib a coach, it is ok to mock a player for getting checked from behind into the boards (which should have been a five minute major, but the refs were just bizarre all weekend.)

The game could have been much closer, as Mankato fanned on two WIDE FREAKING OPEN NETS and Crandall was NOT on his game. Dear Sandelin, NO MORE GOALIE ROTATION.

Today is Hockey Day in America so I'm chilling watching the Wild followed by the Canadiens. Yay!

File Under: I, For Irony

from tUMD Statesman:

Saturday night, Feb. 5,
2011, will be remembered as Jack Connolly night. The junior from Calgary tied a
UMD Bulldog men's hockey record by scoring five goals in one contest. That is
not a misprint. Jack Connolly scored five goals in a Division I hockey game on
Saturday night.

Indeed. (Thanks Mullet for the tip.)

Gophers Screwed Out of WCHA Championship

tUMD 2, UMTC 2
tUMD 6, UMTC 4

In what has become a disturbing trend in college hockey recently, the Minnesota Gophers were once again denied their rightful wins by the shameful officiating of Don Adam, Timm Walsh, Jarod Moen and Jeff Schultz.

Friday night, the Bulldogs scored when goaltender Kent Patterson made a save on Justin Fontaine, but forward Nico Sacchetti kicked the puck into the net. Head Coach Don Lucia was disgusted with the call.

"That was a terrible call. The puck was kicked into the net. It should have been reviewed and overturned. A puck cannot be kicked into the net," Lucia told reporters after Friday's game. When reminded that the rule does not apply to defensive players, Lucia merely continued, "It was kicked in, it should have been waved off. Or called goaltender interference. A player was interfering with the goaltender's ability to make a save. It doesn't matter who. We should have had a power play."

The game ended in a tie, instead of the win the Gophers clearly earned.

On Saturday, the Gophers went down 3-0 before battling back to put the game within one. First-round draft pick and high school superstar Patrick White appeared to score the game winning goal, when the beleaguered Sacchetti was called for goaltender interference and the Bulldogs were awarded a power play. Assistant Coach John Hill commented after the game.

"This call changed the tone of the game. If we had been awarded this goal they earned fair and square, they would have gone on to score again, and then we would have had a power play goal, followed by a shorthanded goal, and then two more even strength goals. The refs are the only thing standing in the way of us scoring those goals. The goaltender needs to make the save, regardless of what other players might be interfering. It's part of hockey. The Bulldogs got that power play, and that's what caused us to be shut out by Anchorage last weekend. In fact, I think the officiating in this game prevented us from sweeping North Dakota a few weeks ago. If not for this weekend series, we would be on top of the league standings. I will be writing up a formal complaint to the league."

The Bulldogs won 6-4, with Mike Connolly scoring five goals. Young assistant coach Grant Potulny commented on Connolly's performance.

"I don't know that any of those goals can count. The Bulldogs were using illegal players. I mean, Connolly isn't even an American. The way I see it, the real score last night was 4-0."

Even Athletic Director Joel Maturi was incensed. "We pay good money for these wins, and we're getting ripped off."

Two Minutes in Heaven

tUMD 2, Red Menace 0
tUMD 2, Red Menace 3

Oh, yes, blogging. I still do that?

I’ve got a case of the Januarys, it seems. In fact, I even wrote a post on Friday in anticipation of the series, but I was so tired it was completely incoherent and I couldn’t be bothered to edit it.

I guess the title can refer to either the two minutes at the end of Saturday's game or can refer to how much fun the penalty box was as our players seemed to end up in there a lot.

Friday I was stressed out. I just wasn’t feeling the team, I was back in that “We’re never going to win again” mode, even though the Dogs beat Clarkson and played a fine game against the Minors. Also it snowed again and it took me an hour to drive ten miles, and I missed the first period and thus both goals in the game. But what an awesome game! Everyone was raving about the complete team effort and how great everyone played and other things. I’m sad I didn’t see the game.

So then I was too tired to post on Friday night and then Saturday I had to go buy breezers with my dad so I didn’t have time to post. It is very hard to find breezers that are not for adolescent boys or gigantic men. They are a little bit big on me still but they don’t come up to my armpits or down to my knees so I’m pleased overall. I also got some new elbow pads that don’t cover my whole arm. Success! Thanks Dad!

Saturday we drove up to Duluth for the night and be it known, I did not get in a fan altercation! Amazing!

tUMD got down 2-0 fairly early on, and Justin Faulk decided to hit a guy from behind just before the period ended and was given the night off by our friends, the referees. Not a good choice, Justin. But you are young, it happens. Wisconsin scored early in their major power play and tUMD hung on.

Some interesting things occurred in the second period. A conspiracy theorist might say these things occurred because of the controversial officiating from our series in Wisconsin. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, though. Mike Connolly was ejected from the game on a contact to the head major penalty. It happened in the corner I can’t see as well, and the replay was sort of poor, so I can’t really say one way or another what I think happened. Some folks have said it was b.s. but until I see it for myself I’m not going to comment. What I did see for myself were some world-class, Robbie Earl would be proud, Academy Award winning dives.

I don’t understand why diving is never a point of emphasis. There is a whole subset of penalties that can be called in relation to diving. Embellishment, unsportsmanlike conduct, I think I have even seen unsportsmanlike diving. Every team does it, because players constantly get away with it. Refs love to call penalties. Why not call the dive, too? I mean, they are all paid per whistle, right? It is not as dangerous as hits to the head or hits from behind, plays that put players in danger when they are in a vulnerable position. But it damages the sport, and it discourages hard work. Why fight through a check when you can fall down like a sack of rocks and your team is rewarded with a power play? Why work to get to the puck when you can deliberately skate over your opponents stick blade and do a pratfall? The way WCHA games are officiated right now actually encourages diving and embellishment.

So tUMD is already down one guy and some sad pathetic little Badger, who is already falling, draws a penalty on Joe Basaraba for cross checking. Though Joe’s stick didn’t contact him. And though he was falling already. tUMD went down 5 on 3. Then Jack Connolly was called for hooking forty seconds later. I was staring right at the play. No hook occurred.

What makes this so suspect is it is so far away from the typical WCHA officiating. We usually know what to expect. Even-up calls, whistle-swallowing in OT, those types of things. We don’t like them but they are predictable. One thing referees normally fear doing is putting teams down two players. So to put a team already killing their second major penalty of the night down on an extended two-man disadvantage? That’s the complete opposite of the officiating philosophy of the WCHA as we have all witnessed.

Not to worry, though, because the Red Menace didn’t score on that little bonanza of theirs. And of course we got a couple PPs of our own (although I was yelling at Shepherd and Beaurline “You’ve got the wrong team? You’re supposed to call it on the Bulldogs!”) and were content to fanny around with the puck for 30 seconds before shooting it directly into the legs of the defender. (At this, I yelled “Stop doing that! It never works!” and then once they started shooting at something other than a player, I yelled “No! You’re doing it wrong! Shoot it into his legs!” I have to entertain myself somehow to keep from going insane.)

Wisconsin took a major penalty of their own… except tUMD had to play the first two minutes 4 on 4 because Kenny Reiter tripped someone. Poor Max Tardy had to serve that penalty too. He spent 34 minutes in the penalty box though he committed only one penalty of his own. tUMD finally took a timeout after they iced the puck on the PP and then converted the next power play on a funky goal that demoralized the jubilant Red Army comrades in my vicinity. Then tUMD scored again with the extra attacker and then just ran out of time. It was an exciting finish though!

So, to sum up Saturday’s game: Two pipes + two crossbars + 4 zebras + 1 lethal UW PP unit + 5 terrible tUMD PPs = a 3-2 loss and an overall 3-1 advantage in the season series. Not the end of the world. Now, if tUMD doesn’t take care of biznass in the UP, then we’ll have issues.

Vote For Hobey!

Once Photoshop is back on my computer I'll probably have something more fun, but in the meantime:

Vote early and vote often!

You can vote for MCON, JCON or FONZ! It doesn't actually mean anything, but vote anyway!

Rumble in the Jungle

tUMD 4, Teenagers 1, RWD 2

Yes! That's a correct score, folks!

So I got my first live crack at Matt McNeely, future tUMD superstar. He was voted player of the game and he certainly deserved it. 42 saves on 46 shots. Yay!

It was hard to really get into this game since it had no statistical value and our opponents were just widdle bitty boys. Biddco and I did make up some nice chants like "Obama Payroll" and "No Blood For Oil!" McNeely's fan club started chanting "USA! USA!" and we responded with "CANADA! CANADA!" and "MEXICO! MEXICO!" Meh. That was the best we could do.

So David Grun got the first Bulldog goal in the building. Not the first OFFICIAL goal as this was an exhibition game, but still, yay! Sick goal, too. MCON has the puck and the USA player falls down to try to break up the pass, MCON waits and then feeds the puck to Grunner who slams it home.

Oh, AMSoil folks? Play the rouser after a goal. Not Sweet Caroline.

I missed the second goal because a certain short person needed a pretzel and it took forever to complete the transaction, although there was no apparent reason for the slowness. Sigh. But there was a TV right there! So I could see it! My Jacky put a bouncing puck into the net. Whee!!

I missed the Teenagers' only goal too, because of another reason. It was scored by UND recruit Rocco Grimaldi, also known as the Prince of Liechtenstein. How a foreign prince is on our national team is unclear at this time.

I was, ahem, "selected" for the Subway Shoot-out in the second period and was waiting to get on the ice when the Teenagers had their goal. Biddco and Boody were also "selected." The Subway Shoot-out, in case you are unaware, is one of those competitions where contestants shoot at a board with a slot in in. One starts between the face-off dots, and gets five pucks to try to get a goal. If a goal is scored before all five pucks go in, then one moves back to the blue line, and if a goal is scored there, then one makes an attempt from center ice with any remaining pucks.

Biddco went first and missed all five. I was very nervous, because I'm not exactly Justin Faulk with his pinpoint accuracy, but I RECEIVED A SIGN FROM THE HOCKEY GODS. The stick used in the shootout? IT WAS MIKE CURRY'S! Now, that pretty much means zero goals were scored using it, but Curry's My Guy! So on my 4th shot, I got the puck in from between the face-off dots, and on the fifth one I scored from the blue line! Yay! I have four years of NCAA eligibility, BTW, coaches. Boody had to go and steal the show by scoring from center ice as well, but that was pretty cool so I can't hold a grudge.

Then something happened.

I purposefully selected my seats in AMSoil Arena at the top of a section in the upper deck so that I could stand during games, because I like to and also because I get nervous. I couldn't stand during the UND game because there were people behind me and next to me, but through the first two periods of tonight's game there weren't any people behind us.

So. Then. Some drunken man and his drunken friend showed up and decided to sit behind and to the right of us. And they didn't like us standing, although at first the drunken man asked me if we were going to stand the whole game, so they could move, and I said yes, thinking that was the end of it and they'd just move to one of the myriad other seats available. But no, Drunky McDrunkerson wanted to get into it with me, and since I'm classy like that, I made him say please before I would sit down. Which he obviously would have rather died than said. And then he yelled at me that he was 47 years old, which was hilarious, and reminded Biddco of this:



So finally some kid comes over and gets the moron to say please and I sat down, just as I said I would, and then I thought that was the end of it. But no, Drunky McDrunkerson and his stupid friend decided they would keep running their mouths. So after about three or four minutes of that I whipped around and snapped at them, and then a DECC lady intervened and I asked her to call security and they came and that shut them up. And then they went away. Yay! I win!

I think, instead of keeping a list of arenas where I have visited, I'm going to keep a list of arenas where I have had an altercation with another fan. It just so happens that list is almost identical to the list of arenas I have seen. Funny how that works.

In the third period, Keegan Flaherty and Jake Hendrickson got their first goals as Bulldogs, although for official statistical purposes they still are without a goal. Still, that just opened the floodgates, no?

The arena seems more lovely with a win, although it's not quite right yet without the students and the band.

The Unbearable Lightness of Losing

tUMD 2, Twin Cities Diving Squad 3
tUMD... oh, wait, that game hasn't been played yet

So, this is what losing feels like. I'd forgotten. Isn't it funny to read how excited the Gopher fans are!? They're all saying it's their best game of the year. Well, it was the worst Bulldog game that I've seen, and the Gophers looked like a trainwreck on the power play and at other times, and they still only beat us by a goal. What a sad state of affairs in Gopher Nation.

Someone mentioned something to me that I think is worth repeating. tDogs needed to lose that game. If they had come back to win it after playing two terrible horrible no good very bad periods of play, it would only reinforce the whole ten feet tall and bulletproof nothin's gonna stop us now attitude. They've gotta, you know, try. The whole game. If they had played like they did against Denver on Saturday night the Gophers would not have sniffed the net.

The Gophers actually put the puck in the net four times and the Bulldogs three, but Mike Hoeffel's goal was waved off for a high stick (he is apparently unable to control his stick... he had a goal waved off against tUMD last year and he also hit Kenny Reiter in the face with his stick in the 3rd period, which set up Justin Faulk's power play wicked slappah.) MCON scored but it was waved off as it was a kick in. It's frustrating because the puck was on its way in anyway, but whatever. It's not like it happened with 2 seconds left and cost us the game or something. Fontaine failing to put a puck in an essentially open net with seconds left in the game DID cost us a tie and a chance for a win, though. But, again, a consistent effort was ultimately what cost us the game, not anything that the Gophers did or didn't do or the refs did or didn't do.

tUMD will be without Dylan Olsen, assuming he can get a flight out of MSP and be on his way to kicking ass and taking names at the WJC tryouts. With Bergman out with an injury and Olsen gone, tUMD will have 4 regular defencemen: Monkey, Faulk, Lamb and Olson. They will also have two irregular defencemen, some combination of Huttel, Palm and Kishel. Probably Huttel and Kishel, but who knows? This is not ideal but if tUMD can put the puck in the net like they should and if the Gophers quit diving (unlikely), then all will be right again in the world. Well, not entirely, because we still have a loss to a far inferior team. It'll probably hurt our PWR severely.

tUMD football is awesome, though! They gutted out a win against some directional something school and are going to the D2 National Championship!! The only good thing about the hockey game getting canceled was getting to see this game! I wish I'd been there in person though. So much excitement!

Ready for some Sunday hockey and a big Bulldog win!

Numbers
Wins until we reach last season's total: 7
Points until we reach last season's total: 14

My Guys
Jack Connolly: 24!!!
JT Brown: 16
Mike Seidel: 6
Brady Lamb: 4
Drew Olson: 1

Freshmen
JT Brown: 16
Justin Faulk: 14!!!
Joe Basaraba: 1
others: zeros

Connollys
Jacky: 24!!!!
Mikey: 23!!!!

Olsen/Olson
Dylan: 13
Drew: 1

Dan/Drew
Olson: 10!
DeLisle: 4

On Notice
Joe Basaraba
Dan Delisle
Keegan Flaherty
David Grun
Jake Hendrickson
Brady Lamb
Drew Olson

Goals Only
JT Brown
Justin Fontaine (UNACCEPTABLE)
Mike Montgomery
Travis Oleksuk (ALSO UNACCEPTABLE)
Dylan Olsen

The Gauntlet: Rube Edition

Yes, yes, finally, I'm done, whatever. Blah. Here's this week's gauntlet with Gopher Uber-Rube (that's an anagram!) Brenthoven.

RWD: So, I hear the Gophers are BACK!!!!!!!!! [This was Brent’s status after the Gophers swept UMass. They’re 3-6-3. Quite the, um, formidable opponent.]

Brent Hoven: They're lurking, waiting to pounce.

RWD: No, I heard they were BACK!!!!!! You said so yourself. [There’s no turning back! Once it’s on Facebook, it’s forever!]

BH: That night they were. They slaughtered their prey. Now they wait... possibly in a couple days' time they will pounce again.

RWD: Maybe if they're allowed to ride scooters. [Yeah Budish!]

BH: Only if they are on their way to a doctor's appt for mono. [Holla Bjugstad!]

RWD: They should stop kissing each other. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but they're spreading germs. [Really, guys, save it for the off-season.]

BH: We're just too in love with ourselves. We have no equal. [We?]

RWD: I think Sacred Heart might be your equal.

BH: Stop messing around. They don't even have a team. [They do, barely.]

RWD: Well, then, Holy Cross.

BH: Alms for the poor, that is what that was. Kind of fitting, given the school and all.

RWD: I'm sure that is how you felt. [The Gophers have been very charitable of late, then.]

BH: Actually, I felt nothing. I fell into a deep coma, and woke up the next season. It was rather serene.

RWD: Did you feel that way last Saturday night? [When the Gophers were swept by Mankato State!]

BH: Close. The infamous Mankato Meltdown scale was talked about, but it never really topped 3. [Is it on a scale of 0-3? Brent thinks people know about these things he makes up, but really only the voices in his head know.]

RWD: Did you go to the games? [Rhetorical question.]

BH: I choose to spend my money wisely. I choose to not rub elbows with the corpies. It's a terrible thing happening to Mariucci [we’re talking about Mankato, right?], and other schools are now also falling into that trap. tDECC will soon succumb with their snappy new arena, too. Just watch.

RWD: Oh, yeah, that Mankato Civic Center. So corporate. [I asked if he went to the games last weekend! Not any games ever! Although the answer is still no.]

BH: Mankato is another school where I'm surprised they still have a team. And you're saying tDogs are the same as Mankato? [This is like talking to Biddco. Or a brick wall.]

RWD: No. [Good gravy, he is not smart.] I'm saying I asked you if you went to the games, you started whining about corporate sell-outs, and I pointed out THE GAME WAS IN MANKATO.

BH: So? I seguewayed [A chill went down my spine at this horrible spelling error] a bit.

RWD: Segued.

BH: Fine, Little Miss Journalism.

RWD: That's Ms.

BH: Ok Gloria Steinem. [Is that supposed to be an insult? It’s not!]

RWD: I don't understand why you wouldn't want to attend hockey games. You could still go, with a bag over your head. [Sort of Charlie Brown-like. They’re both bald!]

BH: That would be showing shame. That is unacceptable. I'm not a Techie.

RWD: Brent, it's pride comes before a fall, not after.

BH: Pride is always there. It's how you view it, and display it. [Hm, yes, the Gophers displayed a lot of pride losing to… oh, everyone.]

RWD: Okay then. Does MNS also have pride in the Gophers?

BH: MNS needs to come out of the closet and admit he's a Gopher fan first. [Two separate events?]

RWD: Very true. Why someone would travel to Houghton to see the Gophers play when their alleged own team is clinching the MacNaughton is beyond comprehension.

BH: It is. I think he was after one of the legendary Tech 5s.

RWD: Tech 5s?

BH: The Scale of Hotness (for females) is adjusted for the MTU student body. For example, if a female from MN is rated a "3" here, she would rate a "5" at MTU. This is due to the lack of females at the school. [Oh. Another stupid scale that no one but Brent knows about.]

RWD: Okay. So it was even more of a delusional trip than I originally thought! [Like MNS could get a “Tech 5.” Or a “Tech 1.” Or even a “Tech –i”]

BH: It's the UP. It's like one big bad acid trip. [I would never describe it that way. This is an acid trip.]

RWD: I see. Well, enough about MNS. Geist is your best friend. Does that make you want to commit suicide?

BH: He makes me feel good about being me. Not only is he a lowly Sioux fan, but he's a loud obnoxious faux-violent [He is faux-violent! He's always talking about hammer-punching people but has never actually thrown a hammer-punch.] man. I'm an angel compared to him. [The Angel of Death, perhaps.]

RWD: Aha, I see. How Mean Girl of you.

BH: Interesting viewpoint on your part.

RWD: Why do you call yourself the Rube?

BH: It was a fitting name bestowed upon me by my friends. It just kind of caught on, like most other nicknames. So I ran with it. [This is a terrible, failing explanation.]

RWD: Why do you refer to yourself in the third person when you tag yourself in Facebook photos? [He always says things like "The Rube and friends." Well, he doesn't have any friends, that was just an example.]

BH: I thought we covered this. I'm a Gopher fan, and therefore arrogant.

RWD: Like Roman Augustovitz. [Chuck's pet peeve is Roman's habit of tweeting and referring to himself as "Eye." Maybe he just doesn't know how to spell "I."]

BH: Or Herschel Walker.

RWD: We're talking about hockey here. Are you going to the games this weekend? [Rhetorical question.]

BH: I am not. I can never make the Fri games on time, and on Sat I will be celebrating a friend's birthday (although I will be watching). [He has more excuses than Don Lucia.]

RWD: You can't make the Friday game? Is that because you are a forklift jockey?

BH: That would be correct. I refuse to be the jackbag who shows up in the middle of the second period to take my seat.

RWD: You wouldn't have a seat.

BH: If I had a ticket, I'd have a seat somewhere.

RWD: Forklift jockeys can only have standing room only.

BH: That's odd. I've never had SRO. I think someone could sell you a bridge in SF [Sioux Falls?] with your thinking. [They don't take checks, Brent.] Or a tUMD National Title.

RWD: Why would I buy one when we're mere months from coming by one honestly?

BH: Ah, the hope of youth. So eternal, so foolish.

RWD: Better than being old and a top candidate for the Bosley Hair Restoration System.

BH: Depends on who you ask.

RWD: No. It doesn't.

BH: Sure it does. If you're asking me, I'm proud of myself. If you ask someone else, that answer will differ. They probably wouldn't be proud of me. So it does indeed depend on who you ask.

RWD: Good lord. Is this an after school special?

BH: Only if we can get some gold stars.

RWD: Are you going to drink Kangas Kool-Aid or Patterson Punch this weekend?

BH: I think I'm gonna switch it up. KK one night, and PP on the other.

RWD: PP, huh? [Well, it is sterile. Like Brent, we can only hope.]

BH: The PP, yes. Something that both teams have trouble with. tUMD can't stop one from what I hear, [only late in games] and MN has been in a slump with theirs.

RWD: I wouldn't worry. We get shorthanded goals.

BH: And love OT.

RWD: We get it done in regulation, too.

BH: As seen by your record, sure.

RWD: You really cheer for some terrible teams. I mean, besides the Gophers, there's the Devils and the Bills. Do you have a mental illness?

BH: Well, the Devils are in a bad way right now, but it's hard to argue they haven't been successful in the last 15 years (3 titles). The Bills? They're just the Vikings with less mob mentality fans. [This is a reason to cheer for a team?]

RWD: Why would anyone choose to be a Bills fan? Are you also a fan of the LA Clippers?

BH: A. Grew up watching the great Jim Kelly strive and survive. Hard-working Irishman. And there were others there that I admired for their dedication and heart. B. Bouncyball is terrible. The team game is pretty much gone. When the Celtic's Big Three (+ One) retired, I was done with the sport.

RWD: I see. If you like players with dedication and heart, why would you watch Gopher hockey?

BH: They have heart. Sometimes you may not see it, but they have it. There are always a few bad apples on every team, sure, but you have to look at the big picture.

RWD: Oh, that's even better. Players that have heart but choose not to use it. Better make John Hill the head coach.

BH: Nice spin, Doc. Sometimes a fan sees the tree, and not the forest. [What are you, Mr. Miyagi? A tree? Well, I'd call Helgeson a traffic cone, but ok, we'll go with tree.] Sometimes a player who seems to not have heart, is just being bested by superior player. And fire Hill.

RWD: There will be much besting of the Gophers by superior players this weekend.

BH: I thought tUMD was in Duluth, and not that dirty town to the east?

RWD: Lowercase "s."

BH: Figured you typo'd. [Never!]

RWD: No. Who are your favorite players on this Gopher, um, "team?"

BH: I like Cepis a lot, even though he's been quiet lately. Obviously a big fan of Kangas Khan and St. Pat. I do have high hopes for Serratore, he's shown some sparks.

RWD: The name Cepis is so gross. It sounds like a disease.

BH: Then refer to him as Cap'n Chirp.

RWD: [This gets confusion because I read it as "they" not "then."] No they don't, it's Papa Chirp, which is so stupid. They should call him the Dive Captain. [Like a submarine. Because their ship is going down!]

BH: I didn't say they referred to him as Cap'n Chirp. I say you should refer to him as such. [Okay, Such.] And I have to admit he embellishes. He's no Robbie Earl though. [Because Robbie Earl at least had a future in professional hockey.] Not even close. He's not a big guy. Doesn't take much to knock him down. [Oh, he's a gigantic wimp.]

RWD: I thought it was a typo.

BH: No.

RWD: I see. I will refer to him as Sepsis. Or Septic Tank. Or Seepage.

BH: You can go right ahead. [I don't need your permission, Brent.]

RWD: Or also "That kid who just got flattened by Dan DeLisle/Dylan Olsen/Brady Lamb/Mike Connolly/his own teammates/me."

BH: Olsen only valid on what, Sat?

RWD: Friday.

BH: Ok, knew it was only one day.

RWD: Why would it be Saturday only? That makes no sense.

BH: I have no idea. Why is it only one night to begin with?

RWD: We aren't the Hostile and Abusives. He didn't throw a lawn mower or get a DUI. He is going to the Team Canada tryouts.

BH: Ah. I usually don't delve into the series at hand until Wed night at the very earliest. Usually it's Thu night. [Apparently Brent doesn't have the time to type out whole days.]

RWD: Well the WJCs are a big deal.

BH: Yep. It tires the Gophers out every year. That's a lot of games and travel added to the schedule.

RWD: Hm, funny. It only tires the Gophers out.

BH: It's darn tough to be this good. It wears one down.

RWD: No worries this year. You'll have, what, one guy gone? Haula?

BH: Sure? I don't worry about it too much. Nothing one can do about it, so I just sit back and see what happens.

RWD: No one else is good enough. [Bjugstad will not make it.]

BH: According to the stats, anyways.

RWD: According to the stats, the scouts, the coaches, the media, the public... Who are some of your all-time favorite Gophers?

BH: Tony Lucia was great. Not a stat guy, he wasn't that good, but he hustled every friggin' play. Never quit. I liked to watch Vanek play, he was a true skill guy, and for some reason, I liked DeMarchi. Hard-nosed guy.

RWD: Tony. Lucia. [I don't even know what to say.]

BH: I had my doubts, too, being Coach's boy and all. He worked. He worked hard.

RWD: He's probably a forklift driver now too.

BH: We could use people like him.

RWD: No one works hard at your work?

BH: There are some that don't. [Like Brent.] I'll leave it at that. [Yeah, you don't want word to get around that you're a slacker.] I would think it's pretty common no matter where you go.

RWD: I see. Or maybe just wherever you work.

BH: It's not Phillips neighborhood, that's for sure. [Blah. Never mind on that.]

RWD: Indeed. So, who's the hottest Gopher?

BH: Me. Oh, Gopher player? I don't have an opinion on that. You should ask a colleague of mine, known as Dancing Girl.

RWD: No. I'm asking you.

BH: Then I don't have an opinion. Although Cepis looks like Spicoli (I believe LaPanta noticed that one; it might have been Chorske).

RWD: Cepis looks like someone drove a forklift over his face.

BH: It wasn't me. I'm a great driver.

RWD: Yeah right. You're the "what not to do" guy in the safety videos.

BH: I wish I was. That looks like fun.

RWD: Anyway, who is the hottest Gopher? [Brick wall!]

BH: I have no opinion. You don't read too well, do you? Must be that tUMD edumacation.

RWD: I went to Illinois and Augsburg, genius.

BH: Well, it'd be nice to know that. And that's even worse. Augsburg is supposed to be a good school. For shame.

RWD: It's on Facebook, ass. Unlike you, I don't PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE ELSE. [Brent Hoven is not his real name!]

BH: I don't care enough to know every detail about you. And outside of work, everyone calls me by my "name." Even family.

RWD: Weird. Probably because your family likes to pretend you're not really related. [Ah yes, that makes sense.]

BH: Or they want to be part of something great. [What?]

RWD: Like tUMD's season this year. [Yes!]

BH: They'll fail. Like every other run. But I bet they get that Hobey again! Woohoo! [There isn't a Gopher player even sniffing a Hobey Baker and we've got three legit contenders.]

RWD: So who will be the Gopher coaches next year? Other than Hill as head coach.

BH: My miracle wish list would be one of the Serratores. [Well, you've already got one. Player-coach?] Blais is NOT going to be here, I don't care about the urban legends concerning the secret contract clause. I'd like to see MN go all out and get Blasi. [That's Enrico Blasi, aka Mr. Bean, not a typo.] If not, then Jeff Johnson [Possible forklift jockey?], but he's going nowhere. After that? There's some rumors I've come across, but nothing to take heed over as of right now.

RWD: Jeff Johnson?

BH: Jackson, sorry. Mistype. Trying to multi-task.

RWD: Well, since you're too good for this blog, why don't you wrap it up with a few thoughts. How will the Gophers win this weekend?

BH: I enjoy the candor in The Gauntlet. It's not stuffy. [This is Goonesque.] And the Gophers will win by scoring more goals than tUMD in the game, silly. However futile, good luck to tDogs, and Ski-U-Mah! Thanks for selecting me for your sacrificial lamb.

RWD: Blah, that's not the answer. I was looking for, you know, strategery.

BH: Uh, we'll give 110% [No], take what they give us [Yes], hit hard on the forecheck [No], block some shots when they become aggressive [No]. We can't let our goalie hang out to dry [You will]. They're a good team, and they'll bring everything they've got. We'll just have to take it a shift at a time, and leave it all on the ice [Translation: Gophers will pee themselves in fear.]

RWD: And how will they lose?

BH: By not doing those things I mentioned.

RWD: Did Maturi hire Jerry Kill as a coach or as a mascot?

BH: Hired him as a sideshow.It's MN Football. I don't care.

RWD: He looks a lot like Goldy.

BH: He looks like a child molester.

RWD: So does Goldy.

BH: That would be Bucky Beaver from BSU. A cross between Bucky Badger and Goldy. He's hideous.

RWD: I did see him when I was at their sad little rink in October.

BH: You saw the old one? Yeah, it's bad.

RWD: No, I meant the new one.

BH: Robbinsdale Cooper had a better arena! [The bagel throwers!] Oh, the new one. Better or worse than say, NMU or MTU? Or is it better than NCC (personal hatred aside)?

RWD: Never been to the Berry. [Bah! I'm letting him derail me!]

BH: Berry is a pole barn. With ice. No rise to the seats. Terrible.

RWD: This conversation is irrelevant. Give a score prediction and get this thing over with.

BH: Hm... 3-2 MN OT Fri. [Since he didn't say which campus, I'll assume he meant Duluth.] 5-3 MN Sat. [Again, assume he meant Duluth.] Wait, make that 5-4 MN Sat. [No.]

RWD: Enjoy seeing your dreams crushed. Got an F hockey text all worked out? [Inside joke. Lots of naughty words used.]

BH: I expect to be dancing on my coffee table. [Gross.] And the F Hockey texts just come naturally. You can't force them.

RWD: The Gophers will make sure of it.