Dear Drew, Vol. 4

Hey guys! Sorry I'm late with the blog this week. I took a few days off after my trip to the Yoop. xxoo, Drew

Dear Drew,

We are a couple of your biggest fans, and we think it’s great that you write not one, but two blogs! However, we happen to like one a heck of a lot more than the other. In your advice column, you are a lot more fun than you are over at the UMD athletics blog. We want to hear more interesting stuff than generic stuff we already know. We already know that off-weeks are good for healing. We want to know how the ping-pong tournament is going, and what you thought of winter carnival! Also, you might want to brush up on your “their/there/they’re usage.” I am sure if you ask Kyle Schmidt he can proof-read. We’re still big fans though!

Helpfully,
A Couple of Short People

Dear Short People,

You are so right. I tried to ask Kyle if I had made any grammar errors but he was busy calculating Chad Huttel's insurance risk. It is very high. I will try to improve, although I really do like to save my best material for RWD and then I am out of ideas. I don't know how she has done it for six seasons. Also, I promise to buy both of you a pitcher of Kamikazes at the Sports Garden. Both strawberry banana, one with no ice.

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

Last weekend I was very upset. See, I'm a fan of a bad hockey team. Like, really bad. And they actually won a game. So I invested in a certain cleaning implement, because I thought it might be necessary the next day. And then it wasn't. I wasn't sure how to dispose of it properly, so I broke it and threw it on the ice. Apparently that was incorrect, and my team was given a penalty. Then I vomited for three hours. That may have been unrelated to the broom. Anyway, what is the proper way to dispose of a broom?

Puzzledly,
Man Without a Shirt

Dear Man Without a Shirt

First, please, stop taking your shirt off. It's scary. Second, throwing the broom on the ice was very dangerous. I could have picked it up and beaten you with it. Ricky Retardo could have skated over it and fallen. Third, we are in a recession. And you live in Michigan. That was very irresponsible. If you had saved the receipt you could have returned it. Or even without the receipt, you could have gotten store credit.

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

A few months ago, I did something bad during a hockey game. See, I got burned by a player. And that made me look bad. Well, I mean, a lot of things make me look bad. None of them are my fault, of course. Anyway, things happened, my elbows might have gotten away from me... accidentally, of course. I mean, my team never takes penalties and never does anything wrong. But we are playing this team again, and I am scared. They have some big guys on their team. I am not used to this as pretty much everyone on my team goes as limp as a dishrag every time play gets remotely physical. What should I do to stay safe this weekend?

Frightenedly,
Windows and Doors

Dear W & D,

This upsets me greatly. "Accidental" elbows are not the Akins way. The Akins way is generally a cross-check to the back or a giant hip check into the boards followed by a cross-check to the back when they are down. To the BACK, W & D. Not the HEAD. What are you, stupid? You should probably just take it like a man, although I am sure you are unaware of what that means. Just do what your little teammates would do and turtle.

-Drew

All right, folks, have a great week! Thanks for the letters!

Dear Drew, Vol. 3

That's right, it's Monday again, and that means it's time for DEAR DREW!!!

Dear Drew,

I'm trying to quit smoking. However, it's very hard to do. First of all, I'm ugly, which is stressful. Second of all, my team keeps getting screwed over by the referees. I mean, really. Is it my fault that other players' heads get in the way of my players' elbows? And the games are so long because the referees will not listen to my tireless efforts to educate them on how the game was played? Do you have any advice on how to quit?

Jitterishly,
Sloth

Dear Sloth,

Perhaps you could take those extremely long games and use them as your first several hours of "cold turkey" quitting. Or do you go out of arena during intermissions to smoke? Shouldn't you try to, like, coach your team? And possibly figure out that when the NCAA called head shots a "point of emphasis," they did not mean they wanted more of them? Smoking is a filthy habit that could kill you. Hm... on that thought... continue.

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

People are always asking me to things. For example, hug their children, or take a photo, or spin my head. Why can't people just leave me alone? I am not happy! What is there to be happy about at the sports games I attend?

Desperately,
GTG

Dear GTG,

You need professional help. I have the number for a good suicide hotline. It's 1-800-UGOPHER.

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

I find it very hard to be happy. Even when my team is doing well (meaning, the second half of most seasons, except this one), something just doesn't feel right. Please help me.

Uncomfortably yours,
Hak

Dear Hak,

Wow, there sure are a lot of depressed people out there. However, next time, try to remove the wire hanger from your coat before you put it on. That should help.

-Drew

Dear Drew, Vol. 2

It is a somewhat common misconception that Minnesotans are tough because of the winters, or our occupations as farmers or miners or some other rugged job, or because we are the sons and daughters of the rapers and pillagers from Valhalla.

No way. It's because of our sports teams. What a brutal weekend. That Vikings game was probably one of the most agonizing I have ever seen, because we all knew it was over but IT JUST WOULD NOT DIE. I am pretty sure that the next installment of the Saw franchise will incorporate elements of the game into its script.

But, as D.H. Lawrence says, "we have to live, no matter how many skies have fallen." And what better way than with the next installment of Dear Drew?

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Dear Drew,

I have a reputation as an angry person with a bad temper. I think it's pretty unjustified. Sometimes a coach just needs to hit a player with a chair. Is that so wrong?

Sincerely,
Robin Red Vest

Dear RRV,

Please stay on your side of the ice this weekend.

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

I'm not having a very good season. Not because of my stats or anything, but because my coach would literally rather play no one in net than me. Even if the other goalie on my team gives up 8 goals in a weekend. I mean, what's so special about him? What do I have to do? Wear a giant afro wig? I WANT ATTENTION TOO!!

Frantically,
Patty

Dear Patty,

Uh, don't shoot the messenger, but my magic 8-ball says Outlook Not So Good.

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

I have a very stupid nickname and I must have been high when I decided to use it as my official moniker. How can I overcome this?

Nominally,
Josh T.

Dear Podge,

Dream on, sucka!

-Drew

Thanks again, Drew! I know you're a busy guy, two blogs in a week!

Dear Drew

It takes a special kind of player to be elected captain of a hockey team. The player has to be a leader on and off the ice, has to be matured enough to speak to the refs, and has to be a bit of a mentor to his teammates. In addition to all that, "Drew" has "agreed" to be a guest columnist on RWD and give advice to his fellow players.




Dear Drew,

I am a hockey player on a team that is supposed to be good in the second half of the season. I have a "friend" who also plays hockey on my team and he is hurt. How can I make him feel better? I already give him foot massages and send him flowers.

-Wario

Dear Wario,

That is very nice of you to be so caring. Please tell me the injury this player has. That will allow me to, uh, be more helpful in my assistance. Also, tell BOTH of your sisters that Big D says hi.

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

I have a bit of trouble making up my mind sometimes. For example, I had a really hard time making up my mind about the team I wanted to play on. Now I am on a horrible team and I wish I was on the first team I'd picked. Please help!

-Not A Window, But A...

Dear NAW,BA...,

We didn't want you anyway. SUCK IT.

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

I think my teammates and fans like my dad more than me. He has a stomach of iron, is writing his memoirs, and is very loquacious. Actually, I think I like my dad better than me. I don't know if this is actually a problem after all. Sorry to bother you.

-Not Even Going To Bother To Try To Spell My Own Last Name

Dear NEGTBTTTSMOLN,

Stevie V. for President, 2012!

-Drew

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Dear Drew,

I play for a hockey team with a pretty embarrassing fan base. The most embarrassing person in the fan base is my dad. He played hockey, like, a million years ago and never made it in the pros and now he can't move on. What should I do?

-Confused from Detroit Lakes

Dear Confused,

Rock out to Bruce Springsteen's Glory Days until he gets the message. Or goes deaf.

-Drew

That's all we've got in the mailbag this week! Stay tuned!