The Gauntlet: Dead Deer Loving Edition

W00t! The Gauntlet is back! I promise I'll get Yager in January. Next up, Chuck Schwartz from Sixty Minutes, No Alibis, No Regrets.

RWD: So, I noticed your team was swept at home by UND this past weekend. How did that occur?

CS: Coming out guns blazing eh? A veteran team played much better than our inexperienced team. They also cheated a lot.

RWD: That's rough. How frustrating. It really makes you want to check an empty net, doesn't it?

CS: I'm actually shocked this wasn't the first thing out of your mouth. [Or off of my fingers, since this is the Internet.] At least he didn't get a running start from the red line like Hirsch...and then go lay his stick at center ice.

RWD: Well, he didn't want Eaves to beat him.

CS: Wow.

RWD: I went there!

CS: That was settled out of court.

RWD: I'm sure it was.

CS: Actually, I have no idea, but it sounded good.

RWD: I hope on Judge Judy.

CS: Shes hot. [Horrifying.] I wonder if she played for the Lady Bulldogs? [Chuck is a sexist pig who thinks that it's okay for men's teams to be called by the school nickname while women's teams have to have the word "Lady" qualifying them.]

RWD: Never heard of them. But has moving to St. Cloud tainted your taste in women or something?

CS: Clearly you haven't seen the girls I roll with. My view has always been tainted.

RWD: Or perhaps their views are the only ones that haven't been tainted. [If there are any actual girls with which he rolls.]

CS: Call it what you want to call it.

RWD: So, who has retired more? You or Brett Favre? [Chuck retires from blogging every time someone “steals” a story from him. He's like a little kid who says they're running away from home.]

CS: Probably me, but he's sent out more pictures of his little gun slinger than I have. For those keeping track at home, that's zero for me.

RWD: The whole world thanks you. [Yikes.]

CS: You have no idea...

RWD: I... don't even want to know. [I stared at the sun in an attempt to blind myself.] So, speaking of tragedies. What happened against BC?

CS: Arguably the worst day of my life, second to only learning that Four Loko is coming off the shelves.

RWD: Ugh, that was all that flirting between you and Joe [of Pro Hockey Talk] last night [on Twitter].

CS: Flirting? I call it helping a brother out. As for the game, I blame it on me actually attending, I didn't go in 2006 and they finished the job. Detroit sucks by the way.

RWD: Wow, what other surprising facts can you tell me? I did not know this! Parking Wars Detroit is amazing, btw.

CS: Duluth has never won an NCAA title. [Interesting non sequitur.]

RWD: I find this acceptable. Then I can see the first one. They were one [poopy] bounce away from one.

CS: You sound like a Sioux fan with your excuses.

RWD: I stated one fact! [And I didn't blame the refs!]

CS: I'd blame it on the bad air they suck in at the DECC on the reg. [What?] That place sucked.

RWD: Ah, we can't all play in basketball arenas where senile old men hold up stupid signs.

CS: As opposed to DHG running around the rink after goals?

RWD: He doesn't do that anymore. Biddco does. Sometimes a blowup doll does. [Kelly Clarkson!]

CS: I remember going to a game at the DECC when I was a kid and being like, who is this old guy running around the building?

RWD: Kids. Thinking everyone's old. [Really. I mean, DHG wasn't that old. He is now.]

CS: And by kid I mean like... 15.

RWD: When are they going to pull Phil's plug anyway?

CS: Bah...Phil's the man. Can't fault the old guy for getting the fans going. He's a legend.

RWD: He's a senile nincompoop. So were you a Crease Creature? [That's those raving lunatics in the student section who know nothing about hockey.]

CS: I've been an unofficial Crease Creature. Never went to school in Madison. I chose the Harvard of the west. [Whatever that is.]

RWD: Well, tUMD is the Harvard of the MIDwest.

CS: I almost went to [t]UMD. But then I visited and saw the girls there.

RWD: Intimidated by all the hotties? I can see that.

CS: Yep, way out of my league.

RWD: So why are there so many bloggers on your site? Or, the site on which you blog. [He doesn’t have admin privileges!]

CS: Most of us are lazy, so when one of us feels like taking some time off, someone else is supposed to step up. Key word there is "supposed." It's also so that we can put bloggers like you to shame.

RWD: How could a good, CREATIVE blogger like me be shamed?

CS: Creative? Did you even make your own banner on your site?

RWD: Yes.

CS: Well that burn fell through. [Hahahahahaha!]

RWD: Who did you think made it?

CS: Someone with some talent, like a male. [See! Oink oink oink!]

RWD: Funny how I've outlasted many a male blogger.

CS: Why don't you blog about the lady Bulldogs?

RWD: There aren't any lady Bulldogs. Where did you steal "Sixty Minutes, No Alibis, No Regrets" from? A Mike Eruzione motivational speech?

CS: Chris Stafne recommended it to us.

RWD: He has no alibis, but probably regrets.

CS: I would hope.

RWD: So, who's your favorite opponent's beat writer?

CS: Brad Elliott Schlossman, only because he has 3 names. And because he loves "Entourage" and "To Catch a Predator."

RWD: I have three names, too. Don't you?

CS: Only when my mom is pissed.

RWD: Well, move out of her basement.

CS: Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it. I now live almost 3 hours from her basement. Thank God...

RWD: How tragic. I thought you might have said Roman [Augustovitz, of the Star Tribune] was your favorite.

CS: I thought the question was favorite, not most incompetent.

RWD: Hey, he's always right on top of stories.

CS: ...that he reads on other peoples sites.

RWD: Only 6 hours or so after they're on Twitter, he's fresh!

CS: I love his tweets at like 2-3 AM. Just marathon tweeting sessions, like anyone is actually reading them (besides me). [He always tweets in the third person, referring to himself as "Eye." Or maybe he can't spell "I."]

RWD: Let's play a word association game. Or, rather, I will give you two words and you pick which one you prefer. Don't think about it, just react.

CS: Oh boy. [I know! Games are fun!]

RWD: Elliott or Bruckler?

CS: Elliott. [He probably barely even knows who Bernd Bruckler is.]

RWD: Baggott or Milewski?

CS: pffff

RWD: Not a choice.

CS: Milewski.

RWD: Lenin or Trotsky?

CS: Lenin

RWD: COMMUNIST!

CS: I don't even know who they are, beattles guy? [Dear god, the spelling.] Who the hell is Trotsky?

RWD: *facepalm*

CS: My Russian history is rusty.

RWD: Let me google that for you.

CS: Appreciate the effort.

RWD: So who do you consider to be Wisconsin's primary rivals, other than UMTC?

CS: I'd say 1) UMTC [I said other than UMTC] 2) UND 3) Denver/UMD/St. Cloud. Everyone else can suck it

RWD: You consider tUMD a rival?

CS: With the proximity, yeah. But only when they don't suck... which is few and far between I guess. [Grammar!] So we're rivals every five years or so. [Chuck is so depressed that I don’t rise to the bait.]

RWD: What about Michigan or the Fartans [Michigan State]?

CS: Muck Fichigan.

RWD: So I take that as a yes.

CS: Yeah, I'm not smart enough to think about things like that. They are probably ahead of Denver/UMD/Cloud. Ann Arbor is still a [woman of low morals].

RWD: Yes, I know, I went to Illinois.

CS: Gasp.

RWD: Are you excited for the B10HC? And Penn State's immediate and total domination of everyone?

CS: No comment.

RWD: They should probably just go pro.

CS: Honestly, if there is a Bi6 10 conference, and there will be. Penn State will be an elite program in 10 years. [No.]

RWD: Before or after tOSU?

CS: OSU's stick will go way up with the creation of the Bi6 10 conference. [No.]

CS: stock*

RWD: Works either way. [Hee!]

CS: Zing!

RWD: Who are some of your favorite Badgers on this current team?

CS: Patrick Johnson.

RWD: I feel like that might be a lie.

CS: How dare you. I'm a fan of Zengerle, his hands are amazing.

RWD: INAPPROPRIATE.

CS: Easy, he doesn't roll like FHG.

RWD: Oh snap! Although I think you might mean Cardinal.

CS: That too. At least FHG would probably have filled out the pre-season poll. Can't say the same about Mr. KFAN weekly special.

RWD: So, you said UND is considered a big rival.

CS: I'd like to think so.

RWD: Well, I had a reader-submitted question on that.

CS: You have readers?

RWD: Many! This reader asked why you would start a thread that says "Let's get hostile and abusive!" and then complain when it got hostile and abusive?

CS: That middle name you were asking about? It's contradiction. PS... that was extremely lame.

RWD: Well I didn't make that up, the reader did. An unnamed UND fan.

CS: I have an idea... but I won't name names. Was he in Boogie Nights?

RWD: Er. Moving along. Who are your favorite All-Time Badgers?

CS: Dany Heatley, but only because he drives Ferraris real fast. And Steven Reinprecht, because I feel bad he got robbed for the Hobey.

RWD: Oh, Reinprick!

CS: Shouldn't leave out Joe Pavelski. I still feel bad for getting as drunk as I did at his golf outing.

RWD: Save a horse, ride a Cuck Schwartz! [Chuck tweeted that one night this summer and I will not let him live it down. And no, that's not a typo.]

CS: Pass that on to your friends.

RWD: I... will write it on the bathroom wall at the Sports Garden. [Girls can read it while they are throwing up!] Speaking of bars, where should tUMD fans eat, drink, and fist pump all night long this weekend?

CS: Nitty Gritty is always a hit before the game and the people are usually pretty cool but it will be packed. After the game, if you like Long Islands I suggest this place called Ram Head...it's in the basement, and it's shady but the long islands are huge and awesome.

RWD: What's that one bar all the players go to? For the puck slut in all of us.

CS: KK....Kollege Klub [Kool.]

RWD: So doesn't Wisconsin have a policy against racist teams?

CS: Yes we do actually...

RWD: Why did they just play UND in basketball then?

CS: Good question.

RWD: AHA! [Hypocrites!]

CS: Guess we were short on cupcakes this year.

RWD: Pronounce this word: "Wquinton."

CS: W-Quinton? Wuh-quinn-ton.

RWD: So, how about some predictions for what will happen this weekend as the Bulldogs roll into Paint Thinner Nation.

CS: Well, I made my predictions this afternoon on my blog and I feel pretty confident. Like I mentioned, we haven't lost back to back games in 62 straight contests until last weekend. There is no way we lose 3 in a row. Friday: Wisconsin 5, Duluth 3. [Fail.] Saturday: Duluth 4, Wisconsin 2. [Maybe.]

Oh crap, I forgot to ask him who the hottest Badger was. The answer is Mike Eaves.

The Gauntlet: Orca Edition

This week, we've got another Gauntlet victim: Geist, from the stupidly titled Sioux Yeah Yeah! blog (which will have to be renamed soon!)

RWD: Are there any particular UMD players that are targeted this weekend? Or should they just all be on alert for an airlift to Minneapolis?

BG: 'Cause UND is a headhunting team now. Nice. No, since Malone will obviously be brought down by the WCHA Wheel of Justice (c) Joe Yerdon, I think UMD should be fine.

RWD: Ah, so Malone acted alone? [Brandon is under the incorrect assumption that Brad Malone is the only player on UND capable of such infractions.]

BG: What is this, a game of Clue? Malone at the Engelstad with a Warrior Stick?

RWD: I was wondering if the orders came down from on high. Like from Hakstol. Or Virg Foss.

BG: Could have been Goon. [This is true.] He's a fan of old-time hockey

RWD: Ah, he's a fan of career- or life-threatening injuries. How is it that UND fans are so passionate about hockey, but don't bother to learn the rules?

BG: 'Cause UND fans can't read. [Or spell.] I thought this was obvious. We're just a bunch of sugar beet farmers that like blaming the refs for our losses. [And harping on the refs when you win, too!]

RWD: You're not a sugar beet farmer. You're a co-pilot.

BG: Shhhhh, don't tell Happy [some USCHO person]. He'll be blown away that not all of us are sugar beet farmers.

RWD: Well, it can't really be hard to be a co-pilot. It's mostly a figurehead role.

BG: It's like your job, except it involves more skill.

RWD: It can't be too skillful to sit there and watch the actual pilot work. Although it must be tempting to touch the shiny buttons.

BG: Yeah, sometimes he lets me sit on his lap and steer. [Whoa! TMI!]

RWD: Do you blog while flying?

BG: Maybe...

RWD: On your Sioux blog or on your Baby Dinosaur blog?

BG: On my third blog.

RWD: Ravings of a Lunatic? [What third blog? Oh, wait, I see, the Baby Dino blog isn't the same as the sparkly one.]

BG: Sure, whatever.

RWD: So why did you choose to start a blog?

BG: I have that kind of time to write down pointless thoughts? [Not sure why he's asking me.]

RWD: And why did you choose to name it Inspiration Stardust Dreams? Is it because you are a chick?

BG: That's not mine, homeslice. [Lies! It lists him as an author!]

RWD: Sure it isn't. And now you have a workout blog as well? [Okay, that's the Baby Dino blog. Which... good lord.]

BG: You'd know. [He's uncooperative.]

RWD: This is read by a vast audience, they may not know!

BG: Yeah, real vast. From sea to shining sea. [He doubts me!]

RWD: I have readers in Connecticut, California, Florida, Texas, Colorado...

BG: So my statement is not [i]naccurate. [It was sarcastic though.]

RWD: I'll say it's accurate, rather than use a double negative [and spell the word wrong]. What do you think UND's new nickname will be?

BG: I'm guessing nothing. It'll stay as University of North Dakota.

RWD: I heard the killer whales might be a good choice. And you could be their mascot. [Dirty famously said about this picture, "Put a white dot under your arm and you'd be Shamu."]

BG: I was in the process of swimming 1500 meters. When's the last time you hopped on a treadmill?

RWD: Generally I run outside. [HAH! And here he thought he was going to get me!]

BG: You run?

RWD: With the 'Dogs. [Actual running is without them.]

BG: ba dum crash [I... guess that was a rim shot?]

RWD: How long have you been a UND fan?

BG: Since '99, when I knew that's where I wanted to go to school.

RWD: I don't know if the UND staff is a fan of you though. Certainly not Hakstol. And Katie O'Keefe [former intermission hostess-type person] was not a fan.

BG: Maybe it's cause I said someone should shoot her. [I can't imagine why someone would object to that!] Hak and I are cool though.

RWD: Well, wasn't he the one that called the [REA] cops [aka the Gestapo] on you for that remark?

BG: No, he was not.

RWD: Despite their familial relationship? [Katie is Hak's sister-in-law.]

BG: Hak doesn't read the board. He's not Jamie Russell.

RWD: A booster probably pays someone to read the board for Hak. Do you play hockey?

BG: Yes, you already know this. Instead of asking me, be like "Geist plays hockey," then we can move on. [This isn't my first rodeo, son.]

RWD: I am in charge here. What position do you usually play?

BG: Center or left wing.

RWD: And also puncher of chicks, right?

BG: Can't take it, get the f*** off the ice.

RWD: That's the UND way. So what if Aaron Marvin had hit Brad Malone in the same way [as Brad Malone hit Jesse Martin]? Do you think UND fans would call it a clean hit? [Um, duh, no.]

BG: No, because Aaron Marvin is a lowly piece of scum who has a reputation for dirty hits. Nothing he does is clean. He should be banned from hockey for life.

RWD: So it depends on the person delivering the hit. The exact same hit, mind you.

BG: If it happens against UND, it's obviously a dirty hit. Anybody else, it's clean.

RWD: Well, at least you can admit your faults. [Hypocrisy!]

BG: Don't fault me for this. [I do.] I'm speaking on behalf of all Sioux fans.

RWD: I'm sure they are pleased. How many UND games a year do you attend?

BG: Dunno. [This is not a difficult question.]

RWD: I didn't know you were innumerate.

BG: Fine, 8-10. [I am not sure this is accurate.]

RWD: Do you dress in full UND regalia? Like a nice jersey?

BG: No, it sucks. Dirty has reminded me of this numerous times.

RWD: What exactly is wrong with your jersey?

BG: Dirty says it sucks and Dirty is a jersey hooker [which is not the same thing as a Jersey hooker], so he obviously knows. [It has multiple mistakes.]

RWD: So you and Dirty went to games together in school?

BG: He sat with his friends, I sat with mine.

RWD: He had friends?

BG: Flanders until he jacked Dirty's Playstation. [I had no follow-up questions.]

RWD: So you were not friends?

BG: We just sat with different people. Keep in mind he was like an 11-year senior.

RWD: So he was a creepy old dude.

BG: Still is. Not as creepy as Brent though.

RWD: Well, he doesn't write checks, so no.

BG: Writing checks does not make Brent creepy, it makes him a moron.

RWD: Well, what makes Brent creepy?

BG: Have you ever seen him?

RWD: Ah, yes. So can UND possibly win this weekend without Brad Malone around to decapitate someone?

BG: I guess anything is possible but I'm going with unlikely.

RWD: So you think UND will get swept by tUMD?

BG: That's what I'm calling, yes.

RWD: Hm. I haven't seen sandbagging like this since...last spring in North Dakota!

BG: How am I sandbagging? UND is missing a lot of players this weekend, their goaltending is horrid. You tell me why UND has a chance against UMD.

RWD: Because UND typically stomps the shit out of UMD no matter how the teams are performing?

BG: So you're sandbagging? [No, I'm a realist.]

RWD: We'll see who is bagging sand. Who is the hottest player on the UND squad? Men’s, not women's. [So he could not select Ms. Lamoureux or Ms. Lamoureux-Kolls.]

BG: Trupper. [Meh, he doesn't do it for me.]

RWD: Interesting. Why is Brad Miller Time still called Brad Miller Time if its namesake is not involved?

BG: Because it's legendary. [No.] It was on ESPNU. [No one watches that!] It's a marketable brand. Yes, I am comparing BMT to Coca-Cola or Budweiser.

RWD: It's certainly comparable to Budweiser in terms of quality. [Hi-yoooooo!]

BG: You don't like it, why do you watch it?

RWD: I don't watch it. But its existence offends me. I hear you are getting married soon.

BG: Yeah.

RWD: Any worries that you might have a wedding crasher from the ECAC?

BG: I think he's getting invited.

RWD: Wow, you love to rub salt in a wound, don't you?

BG: He's mature, I'm mature [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA], we'll be fine.

RWD: I see. I'm planning to send a gift.

BG: I don't want whatever you're sending. [Jeez, I guess I'll take back the Porsche then.]

RWD: Just some monogrammed towels to celebrate your wedding and name change. BS and TS.

BG: Oh I'm changing my name? Wow.

RWD: Dirty and I were unsurprised.

BG: Didn't realize you and Dirty were that close.

RWD: Hey, what you don't know could fill an ocean, Shamu.

BG: Says the woman who needs two seats at the X to fit her fat ass.

RWD: [Some stuff I had to take out.] F***, I'll have to take that out. Who are your favorite UND players? Past and present?

BG: Parise and Oshie of the past [uh, wow, that's not that far back], and currently I like Kristo [who is sucking hardcore under the pressure of being on Team Cougar] and Trupp [in that special tingly way].

RWD: How will UND win the games this weekend?

BG: By making sure every UMD player leaves on a stretcher. [See! Malone didn't act alone!]

RWD: And how will they lose?

BG: By standard WCHA officiating. [Wahhhhh wahhhh!]

RWD: Score predictions?

BG: Friday - UMD 4, UND 2. Saturday - UMD 2, UND 0. [More like UND 6, UMD 1 and UND 8, UMD 0. Yikes.]

RWD: All right, I appreciate your participation. I'm giving you the Hakstol salute right now.

BG: Right back at you.

The Gauntlet: NewsRadio Edition

This week, in honour of the upcoming series with UAA, we are bringing back the Gauntlet to torment JimmyJam, Donald's minion from the UAA Fan Blog.

In honor of that, I give you this.


Excellent. Now, commencez!

RWD: So, how did you get hooked up with Donald?

JJ: I got hooked up with Donald when he asked for help on the blog. I've been wanting to write for a while and contribute so I decided to help.

RWD: Did you know Donald previously?

JJ: Yeah, Anchorage is a somewhat small place; most of the USCHO posters from Anchorage know each other and hang out.

RWD: You... hang out with Donald? [That, my friends, is the whole Interwebs gasping in shock.]

JJ: At games and such, not at other places, I made that mistake once. [!!!]

RWD: Oh? [ORLY] Do tell.

JJ: I don't remember much, alcohol was involved, and I got dragged to a place I would rather not have gone. [A Seawolves game?]

RWD: Aha! I think I know where! What directives did he give about your contributions to the site?

JJ: Find my own niche. Figure out what I'd want to write about and go with it.

RWD: Does he stand over you with a whip and beat you every time you make a typo?

JJ: No but then again I use spell check like lazy college kid, mostly because I was one. [Lazy college kids, spell check doesn’t catch everything! That’s why it takes so long to edit these Gauntlets.]

RWD: How did you become a UAA fan?

JJ: My parents and grandparents have been fans since the beginning of the program. My grandfather was a booster club president. So I've been going to games literally since I was born. I've seen way too many games [not possible] and some really good players.

RWD: Yeah I suppose the visiting teams had some stars.

JJ: yeah, Reinprecht and Heatley are the most vivid memories. [So if I had to list 2 exceptional players I had seen in the WCHA, these two are not the first two to come to mind. Odd.]

RWD: Those are the best players you've seen?

JJ: No, not by a mile.

RWD: I see. [Then… why say them?]

JJ: Heatley maybe in the top 10.

RWD: Was he playing hockey when you saw him, or crashing into a brick wall?

JJ: both lol [Simultaneously or separately?]

RWD: Is your child a UAA fan?

JJ: Yes, very much so. She loves watching them.

RWD: Isn't that child abuse?

JJ: No. [Yes.]

RWD: Torturing the poor girl with season after season of losses?

JJ: You get used to it a little bit; there's always hope though.

RWD: There is? Even this season?

JJ: Yes. [No.]

RWD: Locate this hope. Say, latitude and longitude.

JJ: 61° 10' N, 150° 1' W. [These are Anchorage’s coordinates. I don’t think there’s any hope there.]

RWD: I see. So who are some of your favorite UAA players, past and present?

JJ: Past would be Peluso, Clark, Glencross, Cygan, and Krake. Present would be Grant, Wiles and Gunderson. Gunderson was hilarious.

RWD: In what way? [In his goaltending attempts?]

JJ: Funny to talk with. [Funny like a clown? Did he amuse you?]

RWD: What about your second favorite WCHA team? What team is that?

JJ: Tech. Nice people I've met from there. A little nerdy but so am I. [It’s like talking to Yoda. What the hell?]

RWD: What about Twitch Boy? Now that he's in Alaska, have you seen him? Or at least his hotdog hat?

JJ: Yes I have but I haven't seen the hotdog hat. I was disappointed.

RWD: Have you turned him into a UAA fan yet?

JJ: Not yet, I'll work at it, I mean it's not like he's a fan of a winning team either.

RWD: This year! [Tech is undefeated!]

JJ: 5 games in... UAA's been unbeaten through 5 games in before.

RWD: Probably when playing UMD. [Sigh] How do you like the new jerseys?

JJ: I like them, a very classic look to them. We've got a unique logo [it's no realistic bear] and nice colors [yuck!] so there's no need to be outlandish.

RWD: Ugh, green and gold, no thank you. What about the new WCHA, do you like it?

JJ: Omaha yes, Bemidji no. [Indeed!] I also don't like how Bemidji got gifted with the Minnesota-only schedule.

RWD: Minnesota-only?

JJ: No travel to Alaska or Colorado, basically the 3 tough road trips. [Tech is brutal in the winter though.]

RWD: I see. Well, no extra games for them then.

JJ: True.

RWD: You don't have to pay for them to come and play you.

JJ: Eh whatever. [How Zen. Donald would be steaming.]

RWD: Donald feels very strongly about that, but you do not?

JJ: It's part of the deal, I don't like it much either but it's not going away. I'd love to get rid of it but it's not the highest priority.

RWD: Despite Donald's letters. [Next step: mail bombs.]

JJ: Despite.

RWD: Speaking of Donald, if the Seawolves and the Aces played an exhibition… would anyone care?

JJ: I dunno, it's hard to say. I think people would care but I don't think the result would change people’s minds. The Aces are good one thing: marketing, that's why they do better. [I don’t understand why schools don’t have every marketing student at the school working on marketing for the teams FOR FREE.]

RWD: If I were watching on TV, no one would be visible in the stands. But that's because, just beyond the camera, true fans are packed into the "better" seats, right?

JJ: Correct, the Sullivan has high glass that makes the game unwatchable from iceside [what?] seats. There is truth to that.

RWD: What about the rest of the statement?

JJ: Also true because the only ones to show up would be the hardcore sit in those seats. [My head just exploded.]

RWD: Would you like to rephrase that into a sentence that makes sense?

JJ: no lol, ok the better seats that aren't visible would be full because that's where the people who actually want to watch the game sit.

RWD: So beyond our viewpoint, the arena is standing room only. I see.

JJ: Somewhat.

RWD: And then you get behind the scenes after the games. How does that work? Do you dress up as a janitor? Hide in the laundry cart with the dirty jockstraps?

JJ: I have a press pass, the university likes us somewhat.

RWD: You and Donald have press passes, free ticket giveaways... does anyone PAY to see UAA?

JJ: Yes, thousands. [No wonder no one pays, the tickets are so expensive! Thousands?]

RWD: I see.

JJ: Well apparently not. [Touché]

RWD: I haven't been able to tell from your videos, who is the hottest Seawolf?

JJ: Secure in my masculinity, I would say Grant.

RWD: What? He looks like Jar Jar Binks.

JJ: Eyes girl, the eyes. [He’s been hypnotized or something.]

RWD: …are googly.

JJ: Ok.

RWD: Hm, I see he has longish hair. What about you, still mohawkin’ it?

JJ: Yes ma'am.

RWD: Superb.

JJ: Damn right.

RWD: Let's talk about this weekend.

JJ: Ok shoot.

RWD: How can the Seawolves win this weekend? [Trick question! They cannot!]

JJ: Playing tough defence, keeping the goal scoring, great goaltending.

RWD: Keeping the goal scoring? [The goal does not score itself. Silly Seawolves are confused!]

JJ: 3 goals at least in every game, that's not bad, that can win you games. [Not if we get 9.]

RWD: And how can they lose this weekend?

JJ: Playing bad defence like last weekend, goal scoring going away.

RWD: Is Shyiak a good coach?

JJ: Yes, I had doubts, especially last season, but you can see with this group that they are responding well to his coaching. I was harsh on him and I was wrong.

RWD: PEOPLE! A MAN JUST ADMITTED WRONGNESS. FIRST TIME EVER. Do you miss John Hill?

JJ: No, [fornicate] him.

RWD: I... would prefer not. [Horrific.]

JJ: Good for you lol.

RWD: Do you think he gets more bloated every year?

JJ: Possibly, maybe he sees himself getting the job at Minny with every crap year Lucia has. [Maybe he sees Leprechauns that tell him to burn down the rink.]

RWD: Do you read Justin Bourne's articles on Puck Daddy?

JJ: Yes, I read his blog as well.

RWD: I have no follow up questions. I just enjoy reading his perspectives as a former pro player.

JJ: They are interesting, it's something you really get to see written about.

RWD: Do you mean rarely?

JJ: Yes sorry rarely. NO DONALD!!! [One can only assume beatings commenced.]

RWD: Terrifying. What about a weekend prediction to wrap things up?

JJ: Split, Bulldogs win Friday [yes] and UAA wins on Saturday [no].

RWD: Scores?

JJ: 4-3 on Friday and 3-1 on Saturday.

Predilections

So I found this website, GenderAnalyzer, which claims the ability to predict the gender of a blog author. I put myself in.

















Huh.

As for my esteemed colleagues:
Dirty - 77% male
DG - 91% male
Goon - 81% male
MEg - 61% male
60min - 88% male
Ciskie - 96% male
Donald - 96% male
USAFA Bulldog - 83% male
Hockey Joe - 68% male
Jeremy (Husky Hockey Time) - 82% male
Kevin Pates - 93% male
Geist - 77% male
Schlossman - 76% male
Stromgren - 63% male
Dilks - 94% male
Red Cloud - 83% male
Roy - 80% male

Hm.

Loony Tunes

Another tUMD blog has begun! Check out The Maroon Loon blog for a somewhat different take on the game. In addition to the blog, they have a radio show on KUMD on Thursdays at 9 pm and post the podcasts on the blog, too. Exciting!

Unpopular

This is probably going to be the most controversial opinion I ever put on here, but no one who would find it controversial actually reads RWD. Since there is nothing going on in the NHL this off-season (at least nothing interesting), bloggers are getting the vapors over the inequity between traditional sportswriters and themselves. Because bloggers are SERIOUS JOURNALISTES!!111!!, yo.

But, once more unto the breach, dear friends: 99.9999999% of bloggers do not warrant press credentials.

This is not an issue I've ever broached here before because though I may joke about it sometimes, I do not and never have considered myself a serious journalist or even a journalist at all. I don't even want press credentials. I would be escorted out of the press box after 30 seconds. 15 seconds if we're playing St. Cloud. 5 seconds if I see Kurt Davis.

I am happy to pay for my season tickets. I love sitting in the crowd, dressing in crazy costumes, screaming my larynx out, waving derisive signs, circulating the rink to say hello to my friends.

Granted, I write about hot guys, I make up stories, I do inappropriate things with Photoshop. I'm not your typical blogger. (Well, I'm not your anything.) I don't think there's a whole lot of value I could add to RWD by giving me a press pass. Although imagine the thoroughness of my All-WCHA Hottie team research. I could do crayon rubbings of everyone's abs. It is my understanding that a press pass would allow me to touch a player anywhere above the equator.

Attending a press conference might be fun, I guess, but I'd probably breach some sacred sportswriter etiquette, and I'd also probably sit next to Bruce Ciskie and irritate him by elbowing him to get his attention and then whisper snarky comments while he is trying to listen to Sandy mumble out how he thought it was a good game. I don't write about anything that might be mentioned in a press conference.

But even those who do don't really deserve all-access passes to do their journalistic thing.

First of all, many bloggers do a lot of things that violate copyright laws. I mean, I do; I'm always stealing people's images without giving credit or asking permission. But hey, guess what, bloggers? You can not re-post an entire article, written by someone else, and then toss in a sentence or two of "analysis" and count that as original. You can't do that whether you cite the source or whether you link the source. Professional sportswriters like Kevin Pates or Brad Schlossman can do that because they work for newspapers who subscribe to the Associated Press. You probably do not.

Many bloggers also have terrible grammar. I find that most offensive of all.

Most bloggers are redundant. This is not very nice to say, but it is true, especially at the professional level. Donald from The UAA Fan Blog is not redundant. Moe from Bronco Hockey is not redundant. An acquaintance of mine just retired from blogging the Fargo Force because he felt he was redundant. I am semi-redundant. I have to stop saying redun er, the "r" word. Newspapers have beat writers, teams have official blogs, sports networks have blogs, and then there are the unaffiliated masses. Bloggers who want press passes need to transcend blogging.

(I don't think of myself as a blogger. I think of myself as an armchair sportswriter. Which is worse. What is the opposite of transcend?)

This petulant whining about equal treatment for bloggers stems from the arrogant assumption that bloggers are writing about something that is interesting, thoughtful, and well-written. Most blogs are bad. Even the good ones are not good all the time. Hey, most sportswriters are bad, too, or at least boring. But do we need to subsidize any more boredom? No. Lots of bloggers feel like they are looked down upon by traditional media, as if they have been sold into bondage or something. As if bloggers are taking the high road on that one. But hey, people, be your own copy editor and honestly assess your work. Or I can do it for you. Ask Biddco about my editing skillz. And my brutal honesty.

So what is a blogger going to do once they get their grubby hands on a press pass? Get a credential and then blog when they feel like it/have time/the kids are in bed/work doesn't get in the way? Bloggers are asking for the privileges of beat writers without the pitfalls. Anyone who reads Russo's Rants knows he is a big whiner about the life of a beat writer. Are bloggers prepared to be left behind by the team when the goalie gives them the stomach flu and they are puking in a hotel room? Blogging is a hobby. I repeat: bloggers who want to get press passes need to transcend blogging.

What exactly is a press pass going to do for a blogger? I get to hear every Wild press conference. Where? On the radio, whoa-oh-oh-oh on the radio. What is a blogger going to ask that 1. isn't already asked or 2. isn't going to get them the bum's rush? I'm sorry, I know everyone likes to think they are super creative or super bold, but whatever. Snark doesn't work in the locker room. I mean, some of these guys barely speak English. And that includes some of the Americans and non-Francophone Canadians. And for those folks who are creative, isn't that creativity a product of your lack of access?

Press credentials would take away a lot of what separates blogs from traditional media. In fact, they could be used against us. It would be a way for NHL execs to take back some of the PR control they lost when blogs became widespread. Don't like what a blogger says? Yank their credentials. Blacklist them. Facing players in the locker room might make some folks less willing to be critical or be funny. Accountability could shutter quite a few blogs. Even blogs that aren't particularly controversial, but just never thought they'd have to face the people they critique. And how many bloggers would have the guts to risk their precious, hard-won press passes asking the tough questions they wish they could ask, or call out sportswriters for avoiding?

I don't know. What is the point, anyway? It's somewhat indicative of overall American society; wanting what someone else has. Wanting validation. Wanting to feel like a contributor. Wanting the inside information on the team. Wanting free tickets to the game. A sense of entitlement for all the sacrifices made for the love of blogging. Really, what is next? A ride on the team's chartered plane? Socialists!

I write a blog. I read blogs. I write good posts and bad posts. I read good blogs and bad blogs. I'm guilty of almost everything I'm complaining that others do, except I don't care if I'm considered equal to a beat writer and I'm a grammar freak. I also have a small readership and no designs on making it bigger or making this my career, so there are going to be a lot more people who tell me to STFU. But hey! Maybe this will get me more hits! Angry mobs carrying pitchforks always make for lots of hits! Then I will make monies and get a press pass and own the world!

Get On The Bus

Blogs are popping up all the time, and I just do not have the time to read every one-post wonder that bursts forth on the scene. It would be like trying to count zits on Robbie Earl's face. Or hairs on DHG's back.

But every once in awhile, a blog comes along that I must call attention to. I'm not really sure why I am in this case, as most of my readers probably won't like it if they don't like humor that is USCHO-centric or is below sophomoric. Freshmanic, in fact. If you're not a USCHO poster or reader, USCHO humor will never be funny. I hate USCHO but I still post there in UMD threads or occasionally do a drive-by in some random thread, so I'm still on the outside of a lot of stupid jokes. Many of them originate in the cafe, and if you're in the USCHO cafe on a regular basis, then something about you is malfunctioning. It could be A.) your brain B.) your interpersonal skills C.) your legs D.) all of the above.

USCHO newbie (I REFUSE to use the nerd-speak spelling) and St. Clown Community College freshman Startthebus decided to start a blog. It is not... um... well, if you're offended by the occasional curse word, romantic interludes between humans and animals, selling of alcohol to minors by St. Cloud taverns, occasional slip-ups in grammar, spelling, and usage, or Dirty's face, just don't click on the link, and if you do anyway I can't say I didn't warn you.

I don't know how long this blog will be around, but Startthebus has already 1.) rescinded his earlier statement that I am fat 2.) dedicated much of his blogging to making fun of Dirty and 3.) made fun of stupid losers from St. Cloud, so it is already the best blog to come out of the St. Cloud fanbase. Yeah, Allenspach, you read it here first. Well, not likely, because I'm sure you don't read RWD. Well, you might now, if you are occasionally Googling your name like other columnists I know *cough*Ciskie*cough*.

So, I've given you fair warning; here's the link.

RWD's Know Your Foes

A comprehensive look at RWD's opponents

DGGoddard

the godfather

site: Let's Go DU

Puck Swami

the spiritual advisor

site: Know Your Foe

CO14ers

the evil henchman

site: thankfully, none

vs.

A Scary Person

(escaped mental patient)

site: duh (Eee! A circular reference!)

I know. It hardly seems like a fair fight. The Little Blogger That Could pitted against three grown men, one of whom possesses mystical powers. But there's very little I wouldn't do for my 'Dogs or for 'Dogs fans, so I'll get the best of them or die trying.

About the Enemy

Let's Go DU sprang onto the scene with the 2005-2006 campaign (a full year after the genesis of RWD) as the result of a manifesto on school spirit given by Goddard and some other hack. The report is mostly corpie-speak, which is an essential language for communication within the WCHA as it is the main language spoken at both Mariucci and Magness Arenas. Curiously, the report speaks of DU athletics as a "primary bonding opportunity," which seems like something that should be downplayed, given the overall negative results of rival Colorado College's bonding efforts, which resulted in multiple cases of mono and numerous suspensions. The remainder of the blog is far from corporate: its main purposes seem to be link-whoring to Mike Chambers's blog and other "legitimate" media sources, baiting North Dakota fans, and otherwise disseminating all the college hockey news that's fit to line your birdcage. DGGoddard is the main proprietor of LGDU with both CO14ers and Puck Swami as consultants.

Earlier this season, Puck Swami launched Know Your Foe as a counterpoint to the sometimes-dicey-on-the-facts LGDU; KYF seems to be culled solely from Wikipedia, school's media guides, and Puck Swami's vast knowledge of WCHA history. KYF seems doomed by its potential for stagnation, as many of DU's opponents are the same year after year and there are only 58 teams in college hockey, which leaves little in the way of new content. The Swami is a business legend, and one can only hope he has plans to diversify his content in order to keep it fresh and relevant. Puck Swami is an enigmatic creature, ageless, faceless and shapeless; whether he exists in this realm at all is a topic of heated debate.

CO14ers has not, as of presstime, started a blog on DU athletics or any other topic of interest (or noninterest) to any sector of the population. He travels the country with his bald ward as an ambassador of sorts, or what would pass for an ambassador if any entity would claim him publicly as their own, visiting hockey arenas and gentlemen's clubs from Anchorage to Zminneapolis.

Mascot and Colors

LGDU is at the heart of the Denver Boone Controversy. Boone is a fat, white, jolly, furry cap-wearing cartoon and the former mascot of the University of Denver. Boone was usurped by University brass with the explanation that he does not represent the diverse student body of DU. Maybe so, but fat white Imperialist guys seem to be the majority of DU alumni.

DU's school colors are extremely similar to UMD's colors. I drunkenly screamed this at politely and soberly pointed this out to CO14ers the first time we met. Or rather, the first time I remember meeting him.

Famous Readers

Let's Go DU is probably the secondmost widely-read non-newspaper affiliated blog in college hockey, with only Western College Hockey surpassing its readership. Naturally, with that kind of exposure, some real luminaries visit the site, including:

George Gwozdecky, DU Head Coach

Matt Carle, DU alumnus, Hobey Baker winner, defenceman for the Philadelphia Flyers

Dirty, USCHO posting lifetime achievement award winner and author of Dirty's Diatribe

Dave Hakstol, UND Head Coach and LGDU favorite

Mike Chambers, Denver Post beat writer

Bruce Ciskie, AOL FanHouse and College Hockey News contributor

Donna Carpenter, genius and beauty queen

Zach Blom, two-time All-WCHA Hottie Team honoree

The Series

The Pioneers are smarting from their overtime loss in Anchorage on Saturday, where they earned a split, which is one more point than tUMD got out of Anchorage. tDogs had a low-scoring and epileptic-fit-inducing weekend against Wisconsin where they scored 2 goals and earned 2 points. The last time these teams met, DU routed tUMD 5-1 on Friday night, which also gave fans their first installment of PEANUT BUTTER HJELLE TIME!!!!, and tUMD lost a close one on Saturday night, 2-1 (My recap for that game was almost non-existent and not worth the linky). Michael Gergen was the only Bulldog to score a goal that weekend. For DU, expect to see Marc Cheverie between the pipes for DU until tUMD's offensive onslaught chases him from the game, when we will see Little Peter Rohn's neighbor in Norway, Lars Paulgaard. For the Good Guys, WCHA co-defensive player of the week Alex Stalock will have the start, and I have a 99.999999% confidence level in that answer. DU's leading scorers are Anthony Maiani (really?) and diving legend Rhett Rakhshani at forward followed by Patrick Wiercioch on defence. DU's leading scorer would most likely be Tyler Bozak if he was not injured. UMD's scoring is led by Arthur Fonzarelli and MacGregor Sharp at forward, while captain Josh Meyers leads the defencemen in scoring. DU's Joe Colborne and UMD's Mike Connolly were teammates and linemates for the Camrose Kodiaks, so tUMD fans are hoping that MCON gives away all of Joe's secrets, while Joe forgets to do the same for Mike. tUMD arena staff will likely be augmented, with checkpoints set up to assist Coach Gwozdecky in finding the locker room, since he had so much trouble in North Dakota.