Postcards from RWD, Vol 12

Dear Bulldogs,

If you are going to suck, let me know right away please. Give me a sign. Say, getting swept by Providence this weekend. Don't be confused, I don't want that to happen, but I don't need any of the 2004-05 soul-sucking heart-breaking sucker-punching gut-wrenching undefeated through three weekends then completely throw it away with only 3 more wins in the first half and allow a 14-goal differential in the playoffs. No, that was hardly the worst season we've ever lived through as a fanbase, in fact we had even fewer wins in subsequent seasons, but we all knew that was coming.

I'm in a sports-related depression right now. The Twins? They managed to keep roping me in with their clutch hits and winning streaks and Thome homeruns and such. Then they clinched the division and became the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. The buzz, pre-season, about the Vikings, perpetuated by one Bruce Ciskie, was they would win the division. They have one win. They got Randy Moss, and I became hopeful again, and then let me down AGAIN Monday night. (Dirty said "And with that nice stop it's time to send in the clowns." And then there was clownery.) The Wild have the opportunity to suck in three countries this year, a rare opportunity, and they are seizing the day. But I appreciate their upfront terribleness, because now I have low expectations.

The Bulldogs are the one bright spot for me right now, and I don't know if they are even a bright spot. Certainly a 1-0-1 weekend is not rotten, and three years ago I would have been pleased, but now we have expectations and talent and a new arena and Hobey candidates.

Here are my bare minimum expectations for a non-sucky season:

1. Home ice for the WCHA first round play-offs.
Just home ice, I feel, is lenient. Like I said, these are bare minimum expectations.

2. A Final Five appearance.
The Final Five, in its new, annoying, format, gives each team only one guaranteed game. Annoying. Under the old format, three teams's fans had two guaranteed games and two teams's fans had one guaranteed game. Now six teams's fans have one guaranteed game. That sucks, especially for people coming from out of town. A fan from Denver, Grand Forks, etc. could take two days off from work and reserve a hotel room for three nights only to find their team loses on Thursday. The Final Five is still a heck of a time, but that would certainly suck some of the fun out of it. This has turned into a rant about the new Final Five, but unlike in years past, when we simply hoped for a top three berth to guarantee two games, now the seeding barely matters, except for #1 and #2 getting a bye. (A bye is nice, no doubt, but one could argue that #1, #2 and #3 got a bye under the old system.) Just get there.

3. An NCAA regional bid.
Anything can happen in the playoffs, as we've seen from Holy Cross, RIT, Buttmidji, etc. Just get to the playoffs and we'll worry about winning later. Winning would make for an AWESOME season and we're worried about non-suckiness only.

4. At least 1 player on the Hobey Baker top ten list.
It doesn't really matter who it is. Perhaps Fontaine this year and then Jack Connolly next year, as I've mentioned before. Perhaps Jack could put Mike on his shoulders and they could wear a large overcoat and try to pass as one person. Perhaps JT Brown will outscore Paul Kariya and win as a freshman.

5. WIN THE FREAKING ARENA OPENER.
DUH. MOST IMPORTANT.

Okay, now don't lose this weekend... AND don't suck!

XXOO,
RWD

Postcards from RWD, Vol. 11: Fantasy Hockey Edition

(No, people, not that kind of fantasy. Jeez.)

Dear Justin Fontaine, Alex Stalock, and Jack Connolly,

MeanEgirl has all three of you on her WCHA fantasy team. It would help her out immensely if you could score goals, especially shorthanded or on the powerplay (Al you can, too), get assists, and shut out DU.

On behalf of MEg,

Runninwiththedogs

Postcards from RWD, Vol. 10: In With The New Edition

Dear Jeff Papas,

Hello, how are you? Did you have a nice trip back to Duluth? All right. Enough with the pleasantries. Let's get down to business.

I know you're in kind of a difficult spot. Kind of like a scab, but not quite. But also, maybe some fans need to realize that even if you had not said yes to the job, Ciskie would still have been screwed out of a job.

I listened to you both nights this weekend because I wanted to give you a chance, and also because I really really really can't stand listening to opposing team's broadcasts. Especially when I'm watching B2 and can SEE the guy isn't describing what is actually OCCURRING on the ICE, and he can't even figure out the FIRST NAME of one of our PLAYERS. But whatever, not relevant.

You're not Bruce, and I know that, and you never will be Bruce, who we were all used to and enjoyed, but I don't think you suck. Friday night, I didn't hear your first period call because NO ONE FLIPPED THE SWITCH so I didn't get warpradio until like 1:30 was left in the period, and so I didn't know how things started off. Your interview with Scott Owens was pretty good and so was your interview with the Coach and with Akins, although I miss the more personal questions. I do not miss the video game chatter though. Bleah. Maybe things got a little boring then, and the first goal call was a little flat, but by overtime, you were really into the game and getting excited. Since I was watching the game, I could also tell that you were describing the action very well.

You remind me a bit of tWild's announcer, Bob Kurtz, which is not a bad thing. You're just a little different than we're used to, although not as different as some people think; there's definitely a sarcastic streak in you. Saturday was an easier game to call, as we scored goal after goal after goal and it was pretty easy to get into the game. You kind of lucked out. Did you know that in 2006 tUMD had only one win in the second half? That would have been a bad time to start broadcasting. It would have been like becoming a stockbroker on 28 October 1929.

Thanks for stepping in. I know that this is not the circumstances anyone would have wanted, and it's a tough position to be in, so I just wanted to take a moment to give you a little welcome.

Now, if only you actually read RWD...

Sincerely,

Runninwiththedogs

Postcards From RWD, Vol. 9: Public Service Announcement

Dear All-Star Voters,

David Ortiz and Jason Giambi are not first-basemen. They are DHs. And Giambi is hurt. Please stop voting for them, you f-ing retards. Also, remember that Torii Hunter rocks your face off.

Warningly,
Runninwiththedogs

p.s. Don't get used to this. I probably won't post for two months now.

Postcards from RWD, Vol 8: Hottie Warning

Dear Jamie Russell,

This should not be.

Sincerely,

Runninwiththedogs

(photo from INCH)

(game recap coming once I stop shaking from excitement)

Postcards from RWD, Vol 7: Other Teams Edition

Dear Kyle Okposo,

Do you ever wonder if you made the wrong decision about where you wanted to go to school? Duluth is such a beautiful city. You would be really popular there. We could get married. Please consider transferring.

Sincerely,
Runninwiththedogs

Dear UAA Head Coach Applicants,

Very funny! This is a great practical joke! Coach Shyiak is going to laugh his badonkadonk off when he finds out he's on Candid Camera, or that show all the kids are watching, Punked. I think playing jokes on your colleagues is a great idea, it fosters a fun and productive working environment. We've seen great examples of jocularity around the league. Who can forget when Mike Eaves and his players were pretending to be pro-wrasslers, and he threw a chair? Hilarious! And when Gwoz did that balancing act last year? Priceless! And John Hill's monkeyshines with the UAA coaching job? We're still laughing about that one!
I know when I turned in my application for the head coach position, I was totally fooling around. I'm sure he'll pull out a whoopee cushion or something when he comes back around this way. You must be fooling around, too. Because otherwise, it would be pretty ridiculous. Sketchy. Devious. Conniving. Un-American. Things that no one wants in a hockey coach. (Okay, maybe "Un-American" is how we got this party started in the first place.) So come on, you've had your fun. Joke's over! Cue Dom DeLuise!

In Jest,
Runninwiththedogs

Postcards from RWD, Vol. 6: Team Edition

Dear Bulldogs,

It's me, Runninwiththedogs. You might remember me from such restraining orders as: The One You're Taking Out On Me Right Now, and The One That Keeps Me From Returning To The Milwaukee Ed Debevic's. Anyway, we need to talk. You see, we're approaching a crucial point of the season. The next few games are extremely important, and not just because we need wins like Troy Jutting needs Extreme Makeover. The games are important because I am coming to the next three games.
Yes, that's right. THREE IN A ROW. And you know what I want to see? THREE WINS. You know what I don't want to see? The crap from the last three games. I will be travelling 2188 miles in the next few weeks JUST FOR YOU GUYS. I don't need to see any losses. I can listen to those in the comfort of my own home. It's safer for everyone that way.
I want to see some GOALS, too. From those of you on notice. From those of you not on notice. From everyone! There are 21 non-goalies on the team. That means 21 goals, or 7 a night, and we've scored 7 goals in one night before! We've even done it this season. And hey, just because you're a goalie, doesn't mean you can't get in on the action. We're still waiting for Al to get his first goal.
Also, rumor has it there's a potential recruit in town for the game. That means you should play well, so this guy wants to be on the team. And contrary to what I may have said on tPB, it's not my job to convince him to go here. We all know I would scare the poor guy away.
I really, really, really want to see some wins live and in person. Please, guys. Show me some love.

Your devoted servant,
RWD

Postcards from RWD Vol. 5: Holiday Weekend Edition

Dear Players,

Stop googling yourselves. I know you're doing it. I check my stats, I see where the hits come from. I know, I know, sometimes it's a fan, but come on. It's obvious what's going on here. Don't make me call you out by name, Colby Genoway (oh wait, I just did.)
First of all, if you aren't a Bulldog, you probably don't want to read what I have to say about you. Second of all, if you are a Bulldog, you're probably waking up at night in a cold sweat, hoping I'm not standing outside your window watching you sleep.
You're a hockey player. We love you (or hate you, if you're the opposition.) It goes without saying (or googling.) Shouldn't you be lifting weight somewhere?

With awe,
Runninwiththedogs

Postcards from RWD Vol. 4: Settling an Old Score

My fourth and final post centers on an incident during the Final Five.

Dear Gopher Fan With the Horrible Blue Vest from Final Five Play-In Game,

It's been a few weeks, and we've both had some time to cool off, it's time to address our little situation. I know who you are: Gopher hat, ugly blue puffy vest, annoying smug hickness. You were sitting a few rows down from me. Remember me: in the suite, Bulldog jersey, Wild fuzzy hockey helmet, extraordinarily good-looking. While this reads like a personal ad, I assure you it's not.
What you did is unforgiveable. Heinous. Shameful. Disgusting. In short, the actions of a typical arrogant, fair-weather, sits-on-his-hands-at-the-John, leaves-with-five-minutes-left-no-matter-the-score type Gopher fan. You should be thankful I was in the suite, so it offered you some protection. I am not above violence; I will go there. As I said to Scotty, a Gopher fan who was cheering for the 'Dogs, "I want to rip that guy's arms out of their sockets and beat him with them." He turned to me and said, "I'm seriously frightened by you right now." And when my friend, The Hottest Girl in Alary's, screamed "You're a loser, your stupid vest is so tight it's cutting off the circulation to your arms!," you should have listened to her. She knows fashion.
What did this moron do? He cheered for the Huskies. Well, there is a word for you, Mr. Blue Vest. Hubrist. You incurred the wrath of the hockey gods, and you got what you deserved. For cheering on the Huskies to victory, you set into course a chain reaction. Let me explain in terms no one can understand.

This is what is known as the "six factor formula" for a hockey meltdown. The left side of the equation is the neutron multiplication factor, which shows us whether our reaction fizzles out (the Gophers rebound), continues at a steady state (Gophers continue at a current rate of getting lots of goals and praying their goaltenders let in 1 or more fewer than they score), or explodes (complete meltdown of the Gopher team). Now let's take the right side of the equation. The first symbol (eta) represents the Gopher fans cheering for a St. Cloud win. The second term (epsilon), represents the eighth St. Cloud goal in overtime. The third symbol is the pathetic play of the Gophers the following day, when they are shut out by archrival Wisconsin (who we now know are the national champs). The fourth term is the fudge factor, where Don Lucia tells everyone the 3rd place game is meaningless (tDon is a hubrist, just like you, Mr. Blue Vest). The fifth symbol (L sub f) represents the Fighting Sioux Loss to Ferris State in 2003, where Gopher fans cheered for the bulldogs (small b here, so as not to confuse them with our Bulldogs) over the Sioux. The sixth and final factor denotes Tyler McGregor from Holy Cross, who scored the OT goal to upset the #2 overall Gophers. All these factors multiplied together gives us a k>1 situation, which is a supercritical reaction. The Gophers went Chernobyl, and IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT, VEST MAN!
Now that you are sufficiently confused, I will shove you into a straitjacket and force you to watch the 2004 Regional Final vs. UMD.

Signed,
Runninwiththedogs

Postcards from RWD Vol. 3: Once (and Future?) Bulldogs

You can't expect me to only write to other teams. I've got a few letters to Bulldogs as well.

Dear T.J. Caig,

Now, there's a name we don't hear around these parts too often! It's nice to see you doing so well this year over in the Blylevenlands. I hear you have an epiphany and buckled down, focusing on your game again. Well, I wish you'd had your epiphany earlier, but that's neither here nor there.
Do you think that it's weird that I had a dream about you the other night? You sent me an email about how much you like this site. Also, do you think it's weird that in my dream email, your grammar and spelling were atrocious?

Sweet Dreams,
Runninwiththedogs

Dear Ryan Geris,

I'm not trying to push you to make a decision about coming back next year, I promise. I just want to tell you, I support you either way. On the one hand, I worry about your safety. I was so angry last year, in that game against Vermont, where you were checked from behind and no call was made. Think what you could have done if you hadn't been injured again. Heck, you had as many points as Mike Curry, in only 6 games. My fear is that some goon *cough*GeoffPaukovich*cough* will take you out of the game (or worse) for good. On the other hand, we need you. We need a strong leader on the blue line, as well as in the locker room.
We appreciate you, Ryan, for all you've done for Bulldog hockey, and we're all anxious to find out what you've decided.

Thank you,
Runninwiththedogs

Postcards from RWD Vol. 2: National Champions

The second installment of the RWD correspondence centers on players from the 2006 national champions, the Wisconsin Badgers.

Dear Mike Eaves,

Are you a bad father? Is that why your son was working for the other team? I hope this doesn't make your Easter dinner awkward.

Sincerely,
Runninwiththedogs

Dear Brian Elliott,

You tend goal like a man, but you grow a playoff beard like a stud.

Love and Admiration,
Runninwiththedogs

Dear Robbie Earl,

Congratulations on winning a national championship. It's not every day you get to simultaneously take two sports to the next level. You flopped on the ice in yet another spectacular dive, but when your best buddies in stripes failed to acknowledge it, you parlayed it into a goal. A stroke of genius, for sure.
That's really not the issue at hand, though. You see, I saw you on TV during intermission, and you have a big problem. Or, rather, several big problems erupting all over your face. I've said this to Marian Gaborik (or at least, his face on a commercial on FSN-North), and I'll say it to you. Without revealing what I do for a living (because writing this blog is its own reward), let me just say, Robbie, I can help. You do not need to go on national television looking like a pizza face. Trust me, Robbie. Even the wives of top hockey executives trust me for advice on matters of the skin.

Love and an Awkward Hug as I Avoid Getting the Oil from Your Face on Me,
Runninwiththedogs

Postcards from RWD Vol. 1: Miscellaneous

Now that it's officially the off-season for college hockey, I thought I would catch up on some correspondence.


Dear John Scott,

I see you've been named college hockey's Bad Boy of the Year. Evidently you won in a landslide, and I sure as heck voted for you. I would like to point you in the direction of Maine's Ben Bishop. He's also 6'7", and is more than just a pylon. Remember, 6'7" people can't win on being 6'7" alone. Also, Ben is 6'7" and has managed to avoid running people down in his SUV while intoxicated. I understand the pressures of being 6'7" are extreme (atmospherically and mentally speaking), but perhaps you could let Ben mentor you in the field of not being a total jackass.

With Concern,
Runninwiththedogs

Dear Matt Carle,

Congratulations on winning the Hobey Baker award. You're definitely deserving, even if you didn't get to attempt to get a "three-peat." It's also great to see you make your mark in the NHL, even if you did lose your jock to Brian Rolston. I know it won't happen again.
I'm so glad you won the Hobey, Matt, because I've been campaigning for you all year. When those silly Gopher fans chanted "Ho-bey Ba-ker" every time that guy, um, what's his name? The one who scored all the goals against Alaska? Anyway, every time he touched the puck, I counter-chanted "Ma-att Car-le." I also asked many of them (with the utmost politeness, of course!) if they had ever heard of you, just in case they hadn't. It's hard to stay up for those games in Colorado, what with the time change and all.
You rocked this year, Matt. Way to go!

Love and Cuddles,
Runninwiththedogs