The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: MTU and MSU-M

I call this the Where My Girls At edition, in honor of MeanEGirl and LetsGoMavs.

First up: Michigan Tech Huskies. I have to apologize for these links, because they go to the team's yearbook, so they are pdf files and sort of annoying. Especially if you don't have Adobe Acrobat, but seriously, if you don't have it, you probably don't have a computer.

The Good
All right, lets start with the best of the best: goalie Rob Nolan. Goalies tend to be either hott (i.e. Jake Brandt, Nate Lawson, etc) or nott (i.e. Isaac Reichmuth, yeesh!), and Rob is sizzling!
Taking a red shirt last season allowed Malcolm Gwilliam to cultivate a Beatles-like haircut that nearly kept him off the list, but his smile got to me. Joining Malcolm on the list are sophomores Ryan Angelow, who barely made the cut, and Mike VanWagner, as well as junior Tyler Shelast, he of the perfectly messy hair and impish smile.
Incoming freshmen Ryan Bunger and Drew Dobson, who looks like Kyle Lohse. Let's hope he doesn't behave the same way, too.

The Bad
In the Close But No Cigar category, we have Alex Gagne, Jimmy "Not The One Who Went to RWD's High School" Kerr, Alex Lord and Geoff Kinrade, who could both be Hotties come next season, and the malicious Mark Malekoff.
If I can't see your picture, I can't really judge you, John Kivisto. What are you hiding?
Phil Axtell and Jake Wilkens, why so blue, panda bears? Speaking of fuzzy animals, if Jordan Foote got those caterpillars waxed off, he might have a shot. And Kevin Hackey kind of resembles Goldy, which I suppose you could also consider a celebrity likeness. Speaking of celebrity likenesses, I think Justin St. Louis is trying to emulate Tiger Woods' creepy facial expressions.
Lars Helminen looks like he took "Watch the birdie" seriously. Derek Kitti looks like this creepy kid I went to high school with.
I happen to think Michael-Lee Teslak could be good looking, but he has hair like he should be on a St. Pauli Girl bottle. Tyler Skworchinski looks like he took a shower, then jammed a baseball cap on his head, removing it nanoseconds before the photo was taken.
In the caveman look-alike contest, we have a clear winner in Peter Rouleau. Winning the Little Brother competition is Eli Vlaisavljevich.

The Ugly
I'm sorry, John Schwarz, but if you look like Troy Jutting's son, there's only one category for you.
Mike Batovanja looks like he is storing nuts for the winter. Potentially to feed his eyebrows.

Moving along, we've got the Mavericks from Mankato Minnesota State.

The Good
Getting this out of the way, I know I'd probably be harrassed nonstop if I didn't put RJ Linder on the list. Good thing for Miss Mavs, I agree with her judgment. The only other entry on the Good list for MSU-M is Blake Friesen, and I think I was being kind here.

The Bad
Okay, so the first person I clicked on was Mike Zacharias, and I was like whoa, uggo. But then there was another Mike Zacharias link, which was very confusing. Will the real Mike Zacharias please stand up? I think I've got the right one, and he's much less uggo than the faux Zacharias, who turned out to be Chris Clark. I think.
I know earlier this year someone was lobbying for Dan Tormey to be on the Hottie list, but I just don't see it. Sorry, girl.
In our Celebrity Look-Alike contest, we have James Gaulrapp, who looks like that Ryan Wolff guy who no one likes on CSI: Miami, and Ryan Gunderson, who reminds me of Jay Leno. Hey, Steven Wagner could be an extra on Prison Break. Jon Kalinski somewhat resembles Mr. Ed.
I guess the team photos were taken at, like, 5:00 a.m. after a night of hard drinking, because Lucas Fransen and Jason Wiley look like they just woke up. Brian Kilburg, Nick Canzanello, Joel Hanson, and Trevor Bruess didn't even have time to do their hair (and it looks like Trevor put his bridge in crooked!) Zach Harrison and Mick Berge look like they were on a 3-day bender.
There were a few people who were close to the good list, such as Kael Mouillierat, Travis Morin (I have to say this, Miss Mavs will kill me otherwise), and Kurtis Kisio.
And then there were those close to the bad list, like Jerad Stewart and Geoff Irwin, who should know that shaved heads are not sexy (Right Said Fred is not too sexy for anything!), Matt Tyree, who looks decades older than his teammates, and the unfortunate Chad Brownlee (sorry about getting your head squished in a vice!).

The Ugly
Normally I haven't been including coaches, but you can't have Ugly without Troy Jutting. And Kevin Huck, who looks like he could also be Jutting's son.

Okay, that's enough for now. This is harder than it looks, people.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: DU

Last year, Denver had one of the hottest hotties in the nation, Matt Carle, winner of the Hottie Hobey Baker Award. Carle is now in the NHL, so Denver has lost a lot of their hottness. Can they make it up with this year's freshman class?

The Good
Perennial hottie Zach Blom, while still hott, will probably miss the All-Hottie Team this year, since he cut his hair, which is a tragedy. Freshman forward Tyler Ruegsegger joins the Good list this year. Freshman defender Keith Seabrook, while nowhere near Matt Carle's hottness, also makes the Good list. Who knows? 3 years from now, he could be at the top of his game, too.
There were a few people last year who felt like I overlooked Pioneers goaltender Glenn Fisher, and evidently, I did. With a much better picture this year, he's in the running for the All-Hottie Team. I mean, he's got dimples!

The Bad
Several DU players were on the hottness bubble this year. I might have picked Cody Brockwell, if he didn't look like he wore basketball jerseys as shirts and drove a Bronco with tricked out lighting that shakes with the bass from his stereo as he drives around campus. Steven Cook has been a hottie contender before, but there's something I can't put my finger on that holds him back from his true potential. Patrick Mullen has that same issue. If TJ Fast had cracked a smile, maybe he'd have made it. Same for Mike Handza. Somehow, I don't think that would have helped Brandon Vossberg.
Remember, guys, hair is important. Brian Gifford should grow longer hair, so it covers his ears. J.D. Corbin could have made it if he didn't have bed head. And Tom May should have showered more than 30 seconds before the photo was taken, or used a hair dryer.
Some people told me I should have included Chris Butler and Peter Mannino on the Hottie list last year, but I respectfully disagree. And I guess an argument could be made for J.P. Testwuide, Andrew Thomas, or Brock Trotter, but it wouldn't be a very strong one.
And what would a Bad list be without a celebrity look-alike? This time it's third-string goaltender Danny King, channeling Matthew Perry. Yeesh. I guess you could also include Julian Marcuzzi in this category, since he looks like Ogie Oglethorpe from Slap Shot. And Adrian Veideman looks like Dave "Killer" Carlson.
And then, there's the "other" bubble. Where you just miss being on the Ugly list. Rhett Rakhshani, Ryan Dingle, Matt Glasser, and Ryan Helgason, you're on notice.

The Ugly
The only member of the Pioneers team to make the Ugly list this year is the Big Ugly himself, Geoff Paukovich. Don't think there will be any arguments to the contrary.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UAA

Following up the UND Hottie Review, we look all the way up to Anchorage to see if, after one hundred years behind the mask, we've got any hotties.

The Good
RWD has always loved UAA goaltender Nathan Lawson, and this year is no exception. Who could resist that mischievous smile? Another perennial Hottie is Merit Waldrop, who is still hott, although he's looked better. He's lucky, since we've already seen it's not easy to stay on the Hottie list.
Someone who has flown beneath the Hott Radar but suddenly appeared as a contact is junior Peter Cartwright. Rounding out the Good list are freshmen Ryan Berry, who reminds me of Mark McGrath, and Ken Selby, even though he looks a little scary with his boot camp haircut and thousand-yard stare.
I will say this, all the Seawolves looked sharp in their pictures. They might not have looked attractive, but they were all dressed nicely and looked very professional.

The Bad
Oh, there were a lot of them that didn't quite cut it. Charlie Kronschnabel has been on the bubble for the past few seasons. If it wasn't for that 5:00 shadow, Chris Tarkir might have made the cut. If his cheeks were just a touch less chubby, Mike Rosset could have made it. Next year could be Mat Robinson's year. If only Jay Beagle had just smiled.
Following with the "It's bad to look like a celebrity" theme, Chad Anderson bears a striking resemblance to David Duchovny. And in the weird hair category, we have Paul Crowder.
And there were some that didn't leave an impression. Kevin Clark, Nils Backstrom, Josh Lunden, Jon Olthuis, Trevor Hunt, or Jared Tuton, for example, which is understandable, since they're freshmen. Don't worry guys, this league will make men out of you, just wait and see. That doesn't excuse Shane Lovdahl or Adam Corrin.
Finally, there were some that didn't even come close to making it. Like, Luke Beaverson. Or the pasty Mark Smith. Maybe Justin "Soul Patch" Bourne. Thuggish Blair Tassone. Nick Lowe.

The Ugly
There weren't any horribly offensive pictures this year, so the Seawolves squeaked by without any Uglies. Lucky for them.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UND

Next up for the Hottie Preview are the boys from the Fighting Sioux.

The Good
I know there's been a lot of talk about if he will live up to his brother's achievements, but one thing is for sure: Darcy Zajac is absolutely smokin'. I mean, wow. T.Z. never looked that good.
Another little brother I'm putting on the Good list is Chay Genoway, not because he is super handsome, but because he overcame such great odds, being the brother of Corpse Colby.
All-Hottie Freshman Team Honoree Taylor Chorney and teammate Michael Forney make the list not only because they are good-looking, but because their names rhyme with... each other's. (*Wink*) Freshmen Hunter Bishop, Anthony Grieco, and Chris VandeVelde round out what is probably the Hottest Freshman Class Ever. And to that, I say, Welcome Freshmen!

The Bad
So, it looks like sophomores, juniors, and seniors have something to prove. T.J. Oshie, Kyle Radke, and RWD Fave Chris Porter were all hotties last season (Porter is a two-time honoree), but took giant steps backwards this year. I'm hoping to see evidence to the contrary as the season rolls on.
Several players have taken steps forward, but not quite to the Hottie level. Brian Lee is rocking the pastels in his photo this year, which I can appreciate, but it doesn't quite work when you're super pale with practically white hair. However, he is lookin' better than last year. Robbie Bina, Jonathon Toews, Ryan Duncan, Brad Miller and Philippe Lamoureux all made improvements as well.
Zach Jones, Erik Fabian, and Ryan Martens didn't improve in the Hottness category, but at least they didn't slip any, like teammates Andrew Kozek, Aaron Walski, and Matt Watkins.

The Ugly
Scott Foyt looks like Lew Ford, and that ain't good, buddy.
Joe Finley needs to A.) smile and B.) see a waxer about those eyebrows. Eyebrows kept Marty Sertich from being considered a Hottie, although Joe's situation isn't quite the same.
And Rylan Kaip has a comb over. Enough said.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UMD

The first stop in our Hottie Preview is, of course, the UMD Bulldogs.

The Good
A definite candidate for the WCHA All-Hottie Freshman Squad is defenseman Trent Palm. I had to look twice, but Trent definitely has a certain je ne sais quoi. I guess he also was a member of the National Hottie Development Program.
Alex Stalock and Logan Gorsalitz prove that, if you just smiled, for crying out loud, it will do wonders for you.
I looked at Ryan Geris's roster photo and I was like "ugggh," thinking the poor guy was destined for the Bad list, but then I saw another photo of him on the 'Dogs website, and he looked smokin', so here he is on the Good list instead.

The Bad
People who look like someone's kid brother can not be considered a hottie. This includes Chase Ryan, Mitch Ryan, and Andrew Carroll. Normally, I would say a year in the WCHA can take care of this sort of issue, but then again, Carroll is a sophomore.
Consequently, if you look bizarrely old for your age, Nate Ziegelmann, it doesn't work for me either.
Jordan Fulton needs more of a bad boy edge, because I think he's got serious potential in the Hottie category. We already know he is an amazing hockey player.
Jason Garrison and Drew Akins just didn't impress. I don't have anything to say, negative or positive.
Michael Gergen was a disappointment. We all know Michael's my favorite current Bulldog, and it pains me to put him on the Bad list, but I'm not going to pull any punches.
Resemblance to celebrities is a good thing... unless you're resembling not-so-attractive celebrities. Mason Raymond channels Gary Sinise, while Mike Curry is becoming more and more Cusack-esque, and neither is a good thing.
Memo to Matt McKnight: Did you even change your photo this year?
If you don't smile, you end up on the Bad list, which is what happened to Matt Greer, Josh Meyers, and former All-Hottie Freshman Team Honoree MacGregor Sharp (who looks near tears).
Josh Johnson and Jeff McFarland may not have made the Good list, but they have certainly stepped it up for their senior year. Let's hope that happens on the ice, too. Travis Gawryletz, Jay Cascalenda, and Nick Kemp all deserve a round of applause for making drastic improvements in their hair, if nothing else.

The Ugly
These people aren't ugly, for sure, but people, friends don't let friends get away with horrible hair. [Matt] Nisky [Niskanen] has this jacked up slicked back thing going on, making it look like he came from diving practice, and the only hockey player who went to diving practice was Robbie Earl. I saw this picture of Matt on the WJC page last year, and he had on a hat and his hair was sticking out from under it in curls and I was like "Hello, darlin'," and I really had high hopes for this year's photo.
Another serious hair mistake came from an All-Hottie Second Team Honoree, Bryan McGregor. Long hair is not for everyone, and just because Steve Czech is gone, it doesn't mean you need to try to look like him. I don't forsee a repeat on the hottie list for Bryan.

I know it seems like I was probably a little tough on my guys, but this is the WCHA, people. The standard is set high. I'm certainly not going to play any favorites here, just because the Bulldogs are my team.

Bookkeeping

Just a few tidbits of interest:

First, I lost my birthday list, and so I was remiss in wishing some 'Dogs Happy Birthday.
So, major apologies, a rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday," and some Irish Car Bombs* to
Jordan Fulton (19 on 12 September)
Mason Raymond (21 on 17 September)
MacGregor Sharp (21 on 1 October)
Mike Curry (22 on 20 September) (I know, I know, how could I have missed Mike's birthday??? I'm lame.)

*for those of age, of course

Second, since I like having countdowns and things, I announce the following:
Points Until We Surpass Last Year's Total (current value = 26)
and
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year's Total (current value = 11)
Exhibition games will not be counted. Duh.

Third, we will be having a competition between my "guys," the RWD favorites on the team, to see who gets the most points. Again, exhibition games will not count, although I considered counting them, since Mike Curry already has a point. The winner gets nothing, except the satisfaction of simultaneously getting lots of points and getting liked by me. This is a little similar to the B.O.D. at Bat-Girl, although not really, since it's only between players and not members of this site. It's also a lot more positive than the Hater Report, although that was for other WCHA teams. No 'Dogs were at any time on the Hater Report.
The competitors are:
Michael Gergen
Matt McKnight
Matt Niskanen
Mike Curry

Huh. 4 guys, 2 names. Weird. Now, points are accumulated by getting goals and assists (big surprise!), so I realize this might put a few people at somewhat of a disadvantage. The point really isn't winning, though. The point is, these are my favorite 'Dogs, and it's an honor just to be nominated.

Fourth, there will be some sort of Hottie Preview for the WCHA this year. Team by team analysis of what's going on so far. Note that Hotties are selected by their roster photo ONLY, unless evidence to the contrary is submitted. (Those of you lobbying for R.J. or Staffy could have helped their cases that way.) Look for the 'Dogs Hottie Preview soon.

That will be all. I must return to work on the Top Secret Off-Season Project, which has continued into the actual season.

I'm Just Crabby To Be Here

The Twins lost. Good lord.

Good thing it's hockey season.

HockeyBack

Oh yes, I went there.

So, the 'Dogs made all my dreams come true tonight. Okay, there was no hatty, no shorty, but I'm cool with that. Granted, I didn't actually LISTEN TO THE GAME. I flew home from work, all ready to run with the 'Dogs, and then WARPRADIO WOULDN'T WORK and I suffered an unforseen mutation of The Rage, called The Internet Rage. It was very stressful, though it was the only stressful part of the evening. Except for the Wild, who decided to let the game get tied, but they did win in overtime, which was great. And I don't stress out too much for the Wild, anyway.

Special thanks to Heiz from tPB for doing his best to help me find a solution to my internet problem. Let's hope it was a freak incident and next weekend I'll be able to listen to the game instead of chomping at the bit for updates.

Anyway, how awesome was that win??? 3 for 6 on the power play, 6 for 6 on the penalty kill, 17 different 'Dogs combining for 8 freaking goals. Brilliant!

RWD Fave Michael Gergen was on fire with 2 goals and an assist, with freshman Jordan Fulton just behind him in points with 2 goals. Ryan Geris, Andrew Carroll, and Jeff McFarland had two assists. Speedster Mason Raymond, defensive assassin Jason Garrison, Logan Gorsalitz, and Drew Akins scored the remainder of the goals. To round out the scoring, All-WCHA Freshman Hottie MacGregor Sharp, Nick "Kemper the Wrecker" Kemp, Matt McKnight, Josh Meyers, Mike "Offensive Machine" Curry, All-WCHA Hottie Bryan McGregor, Travis "Growler" Gawryletz, and RWD Fave Matt Niskanen each had an assist.

Trent Palm, Jay Cascalenda, Matt Greer and Mitch Ryan were the only 'Dogs who didn't have a goal or an assist, but I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say they were also awesome. Chase Ryan was the lone scratch.

In goal, Josh Johnson started the game, but was relieved by Nate Ziegelmann for the second period, and Alex Stalock brought us home, giving up the lone Lakehead goal with 1:45 to go in the third. That goal was probably a rookie mistake he'll never make again. Hats off to all three goalies, and to our defensemen for holding Lakehead to 24 shots on goal, with only one squeaking by.

I wish I was more exhilarated, but missing the offensive onslaught to open the season kind of took the wind out of my sails, so to speak. Granted, we totally rocked, and all I know about is the good stuff, so I'm thrilled!!!!

WE WON! WE WON! WE TOTALLY FREAKING WON!!!

Wooo! There we go! There's that enthusiasm I was talking about.

Looking ahead, we've got UMass-Lowell on our plate next. I hope we shook all our sillies out tonight, and will be ready to bring it when UMass rolls in. I mean, we've already won a game, which is way better than last season!

LET'S GO 'DOGS!!!!!!!

Domestic Violence

Sweet Georgia Brown, there's gonna be some hockey tonight!

(Yes, a Thursday night. It's annoying. I have to take personal time from work, since I PLANNED for the Friday night games, but somehow overlooked Thursday night as a potential game night. Wonder why...)

All I have to say is, this better be the best M-Fing exhibition game in the history of exhibition games. We're talking hat tricks, power play goals, shorties, a total blow-out. We had better smoke Lakehead worse than we smoked Yale or Bemidji State.

Because I can't handle any more stress. And neither can our furniture.

Yesterday, I watched the Frank Thomas Show Twins Farce Game and I nearly threw myself off the balcony. Granted, if I threw myself off my balcony, I would barely be injured, but it would be a symbolic gesture, like those people who set themselves on fire in protest. Except they actually get hurt/die. Right. Well, it seems the Twins are as inept at converting with runners in scoring position as the Bulldogs were at scoring on the power play. (Zing!) When Jason Bartlett botched a double play, doubled, nearly got picked off, messed up running to third, and then was stranded on third when no one bothered to get another hit, I beat the hell out of my couch.

This is bad, because it's not technically my couch. Pretty soon it will legally become one of my possessions, which isn't that exciting, considering it rivals Bruno Kirby's "Stupid Roy Rogers Wagon Wheel Coffee Table" in tackiness, but the point is, I shouldn't be beating the hell out of anything that isn't mine, even if it's only a technicality.

This is not my first outburst of Violence Against Furniture. In 2004, after the 'Dogs lost in the Frozen Four, I pounded the crap out of the door to my bedroom, ironically breaking my very cool "I Am So Not In The Mood" doorknob hanger, and scaring my roommates and some unsuspecting visitor in the process. People in central Illinois do not understand the Hockey Rage.

Please, Bulldogs. Hockey Rage is very hazardous to the health of my possessions (and pseudo-possessions). It is also probably hazardous to my health, but that's a secondary matter. Please do not cause a flare-up of Hockey Rage. I've already got a serious case of Baseball Rage that just won't be tamed, and it's going to send me to an early grave. Please, Bulldogs. Win one for your favorite girl.

And win one for the chair in the office quivering in fear that I may go all Koskie on it if the Baseball Rage continues.


How's that for a motivational speech? Look out, Mike Eruzione!
Also, I did not watch today's Twins game, since I was working, but I'm quite sure I probably would have died if I had. I've actually witnessed an inside the park homerun at the Metrodome before, but let me assure you, it was the Twins getting it. That's the only kind my poor nerves can tolerate.

Calling Out Around the World

Ugh. That song's been driving me crazy, since those Macy's commercials have been on television almost constantly.

BUT...

I have been called out by my #1 Favorite Reader, Drop The Puck! (who now goes by Donald, probably because he is constantly arguing with "anonymous" posters about identifying themselves. It is eerie because my name is, as you may know, the feminized version of his) for being LAZY and then trying to use physics to excuse my laziness. I would argue that it wasn't an excuse but a scientifically proven fact, as my posting velocity was ZERO and thus no matter the mass, my momentum was also ZERO. I would also like to point out there are people much lazier than I was this summer.

DTP/Donald also commented later pondering if he was the only person in Anchorage who closely followed my one-sided war with LaP. I would respond he is probably the only person in the galaxy who even pays attention.

BUT...

on that note, I saw LaP tonight at Rally Monday at Peavey Plaza. It was pretty moto, for sure, with Kent Hrbek ready to party and Nick Punto firing us up and Scott Leius looking strangely hott (much hotter than in 1991). I teared up a little at the Kirby Puckett montage, glared at small children, and pondered the meaning of life. The playoffs start tomorrow, and I am SO EXCITED!!!

BUT...

This site ain't about baseball. It's about hockey, and the season has "started." I say that in quotation marks because it hasn't really started, it's all exhibition, but hockey is hockey. As Brad put it, "exhibition hockey > no hockey." (I would never use the greater than/less than signs myself, as it reeks of the endless posturing by UMTC/UND fans, but I can't help what others do.) The 'Dogs haven't played yet, but THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE, COMRADES. THE REVOLUTION IS COMING.

I have been asked to give Western College Hockey a series preview each week, which is supposed to be done on Fridays, but our game isn't ON a Friday, so I'm going to do it while I can. I still have a bunch of programming to do and baseball to watch and work to attend to, so I'd better do this while I can.

Thursday, 5 OCT 2006
The Bulldogs will host the Lakehead University (it's in Thunder Bay, ONT, Canada, in case you've never heard of it and don't want to use Google) Thunderwolves for an unorthodox Thursday game. Whoever does the scheduling for Lakehead was half in the bag when they planned their upcoming weekend: Thursday in Duluth, Friday in Houghton, and Saturday in Sault Ste. Marie. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun. Lakehead will be at their best for the 'Dogs, since they will be just starting their road trip.
The Thunderwolves are coming off two losses to the AHL's Manitoba Moose, 3-0 and 8-1, which seems pretty rough. They've got 3 goalies on their roster, and I would assume at least 2 will be playing, if not all 3, to prevent fatigue. Chris Whitley is the only veteran goaltender they have (if I have the conversion from the metric correct, eligibility year 1 would mean freshman, 2 is sophomore, 3 is junior, 4 is senior, and 5 is super senior, which is evidently okay in Canada), and he made 99 saves in the 2 games against the Moose. That's a song by Nena, people. Neunundneunzig Speichert. So, it seems they have some defensive issues. We can relate, right? But, I hope, not anymore!
Look for the 'Dogs to use Josh Johnson, Alex Stalock, and Nate Ziegelmann in goal for this game, since there is no definitive starter as yet. Speculation abounds as to who will play, and on what line, and all that jazz, but I don't have any predictions at this point. They would do well to pair McKnight and Raymond together. The key right now is to shoot the puck often, as the Thunderwolves defense seems to be leakier than our old canoe. I would definitely prefer we stay out of the penalty box, as I don't have a whole lot of confidence in our PK. After a little more practice, I hope I'll be able to talk about our special teams without adding "in the short bus way." It would be nice to start the season off with a win, even if it is an exhibition game. Hey, look at the Nanooks, the Teenagers beat them, and exhibition or not, that's not exactly a confidence booster. I predict a Bulldogs win, but it won't be a blow-out.

Gopher Hockey Preview

What the????

I know, I know, but I'm desperate here.

And I'm referring to the FSN North TV special, not an actual Gopher Preview.

Positives
EJ much hotter than PK.
Ryan Potulny barely mentioned.
Holy Cross mentioned several times, including to Lucia.
TJ Oshie shown (!) scoring on Kellen Briggs. (TJ and Toews were touted as the next Sertich-Sterling duo.)
Woog selects Bulldogs to be in the top 5 in the conference.
The analysts think the Gophers will be playing "Wisconsin-style" hockey (which is an insult to Gophers and their fans, not that Wisconsin sucks or anything* but to be labeled Wisconsin-style anything isn't good.)

Negatives
"WCHA Preview" discussed UND, UMTC, and UW. With a passing mention to Denver losing Matt Carle, who wasn't even called by name. Yeah, that's a great preview.
Holy Cross was mentioned more times than UMD. They even forgot to mention UMD when they were reading off the Oct/Nov schedule.
LaP was on the show.
The show was not Bulldog Hockey Preview.
The show existed at all.

*Of course, it's always better to be dead than red.

Mass * Velocity

It's all a question of momentum.

The season's almost here. It's breathing hot, stinky dog breath down our necks, like Fluffy in Harry Potter.

But man, is it ever boring writing about... nothing. Seriously, nothing. NOTHINGGGG!!!! Zip. Zero. Stingy with dinero. Let's tick the facts off on our fingers:

• No one left early for the pros.
• I don't have insider access to the team, so I'm not getting a sneak peek at anything.
• Other people have already done season previews for the team and the league. Better than I could ever do.
• No one ran anyone down with an SUV.
• It's just been too... freaking... long.

So man, is it ever getting hard to find the impulse (F*dt) to write about something. Impulse is just a change in momentum. It's all physics. Hockey is all physics, anyway. Do you know how many problems I solved in college about an object sliding on a sheet of ice? The professors weren't trying to ignore friction! They were thinking about hockey!

What? Where am I going here? Stop being a nerd!

So, I guess good stuff happened these past few months. Sandelin's contract was renewed (as was mine!). Hard Charger Andrew Carroll and RWD Favorite Matt McKnight are captains. And Bill Watson will be giving PowerPoint briefs on How To Be As Awesome As Bill Watson. Topics will include (Ooh, more Fun With Formatting!):

• Winning A Hobey Baker
• Scoring A Sick 1.94 Points Per Game
• Knock Hockey Strategies
• Surviving Quadruple Overtime
• Mustache Cultivation
• How To Succeed In Hockey Even Though You're Playing For The Bulldogs

(So yes, I'm alive and well and boring as ever, in case you were wondering. Just remember, the season's almost here!)

Consumer Alert!

Vigilence. Diligence. Consumer Advocacy. That's what we're all about here at RWD. Ralph Nader? An amateur compared to me.

We have discovered yet another Faux-Dog. I will refer to this one as:

Unsafe At Any Speed

from http://twins.scout.com/2/516232.html

Fear not, folks, because the game just got tied up, so Garza's off the heezy for the night.

Miss 10,000

Welcome, Unique Hits! Thank you for being here, or for being here several times, or for accidentally coming here once thinking you'd find naked pictures of some hockey player!

Rolling over to 10,000 on the counter was like when Mr. Zippy rolled over his odometer to 100,000... cool for a second, and then I got my eyes back on the road before I hit something.

So get your foot on the clutch, people, because we're switching into high gear. Forget that boring stats-counter thing, it's not important nor is it even impressive. What is important here is that we've passed a real milestone: less than a month to go until Bulldog hockey. FOUR WEEKS.
We've been holding on so long, comrades. Suffering through the heat of summer, watching baseball and desperately hoping for a nice hard check into the dugout, perhaps a power play or two in NASCAR (I do not, nor will I ever watch that non-sport. It's not a sport, people. If it were a sport, I might as well move in with La P, listen to Panic! at the Disco, and become a Gopher fan, because life ain't worth living. But I know some college hockey fans are also crazy hicks who like that sort of thing, so I thought I'd give them a shout out), or a nice diving save on a Tiger Woods putt.
But, I think we're going to make it. We're nearing the end of the third period, up by two, the other team's got their goalie pulled, and the fans are on their feet, cheering (clearly we aren't talking about Gopher fans here, who are on their feet leaving.)

I also updated the links section*. Now featuring The College Hockey News Blog, Clarkson Hockey Fans, Hockey In Wisconsin, and MGoBlog. I would advise you against checking out MGoBlog all that often in the next few weeks, if you hate college football. I would also advise you against checking out The Ciskie Blog, for the same reason. However, once college hockey starts, don't avoid them anymore.

I should warn you all that, since the season is barreling down on us like a freight train, Gramps told me, "I have to get back on the site, and check out those other links. I have to see if they're any good." So, be forewarned: get out your thinking cap and write some darn good posts, because you wouldn't want Gramps to think you're no good.

Edit: I'm really, really lame. Here I am, babbling on about milestones, and I totally forgot... 2 September was the RWD 2 year Dogiversary. Two years of this crap? My how time flies. And what was the first post about? Waiting for the season to start. (Everybody now! All my life's a circle, sunrise and sundown...) So, everyone, it's been great. Most of the time. Maybe we haven't had the best ride the past few years, but these are the Bulldogs I've been talking about these past two years. We have to take everything with a grain of salt, a wing (preferrably one who can score on the power play), and a prayer. As for the future of this site, I hope to keep on rockin'. That's about it.

*Have you linked to me, and I haven't linked back? Do you know of a site you think I'd like, that I might also want to share with the rest of the People's Republic of RWD? That comment link is there for a reason. Use it. I'll probably use the link. I have fairly low standards. I mean, look at some of the sketchy bums I'm already linking to.

The Doomsday Device

(This is LaP's official FSN photo, although something is messed up on their website, so it's very small.)
If you don't have anything NICE to say (about the Twins, I mean), then SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

Sheesh. First Ron Coomer can't stop sucking up to the Rocket, now LaP has a man-crush on A-Rod and the Yankees. Gross.

Look out, LaP. I'll see you at the Final Five.

This Started Off As A Comment

... and then it just kept going.

So, the RWD World Headquarters has moved up the highway, inching closer and closer to Duluth. At this rate, we'll be living there by... oh, 2041. So I didn't just ABANDON you all like I normally do, I actually was CUT OFF FROM THE INTERNET. Well, sort of. Because I used the internet a little during my CS class on Tuesday, but that doesn't count. It would be rude to blog during class. I can only write emails and check Gameday.

SPEAKING OF BLOGGING, over at the Blogger Hottie of the Year's site, he talks about some sort of Hockey Blogging Code. Well, they're really more like guidelines.

Chris says "There seems to be two schools of thought in bloggyworld. The first is that blogs don't need the same type of mainstream access to coaches and players that the regular media has. This lack of access helps give them the freedom to say whatever they want and not have to worry about pissing off anybody important. It's an interesting idea, and works quite well for a lot of sites. The other school of thought is that blogs are a legitimate form of media and should be treated the same as mainstream media."

Hello, I think we know which category I fall into over here. There is nothing legitimate about this site, and don't let anyone tell you any different! Clearly, I fall into the former category, because I mostly write fiction, half-truths, and LIES LIES LIES.

But for those of you who might be interested in just what would make this site (or any site) legit, he lists the set of criteria, created by some dude I've never heard of because he's probably a real journalist.

1. Email Media Relations at least 3 days before an event.
That's like the only thing on this list I could do. And they'd probably think it was spam.

2. Don't publish objectionable content.
I published content that offended my own grandpa. I lose.

3. Be in operation for at least 3-6 months.
Oh, I guess I did that. We're coming up on 4-8 times that many months.

4. Submit traffic data.
I have a few unpaid tickets from when I was still living in Champaign. But I also had illegal plates on my car at the time.

5. You have to interact with players and coaches and write something about the game.
I'm sure the players already have taken out restraining orders on me. Hey guys, if you haven't, better hop to it!
Rumor has it I do occasionally write "something" about a "game."

6. You have to act professionally.
Did you see me at the Final Five last year?
Because I'm pretty sure no professional people do that.

I don't think I'm going to make the cut. I can't even behave myself in a suite.
But that's fine, because I'm not suffering through "Programming in C" so I can be a SPORTSWRITER.

Wild About WPB

I just added a new link to the ol' sidebar, to Roy's Wild Puck Banter. That's Discussion of the Pro Hockey Team from Minnesota, not Erratic Jabbering About Hockey (hello! That's Runninwiththedogs' niche, comrades!)

The great thing about Roy is he is ALWAYS up on the latest La P sightings, so I have bestowed upon him the (dubious?) title of Head La P Watchdog. Clearly I can't be trusted to monitor La P's comings and goings, as I TOTALLY WAS SLEEPING WHILE LA P WAS DOING TWINS PLAY BY PLAY. I ALMOST HAD A STROKE UPON FINDING OUT.

There isn't a FireAnthonyLaPanta site yet, but I always enjoy the fine fellows at FireJoeMorgan. And I busted a gut upon learning of their sister site.

And, as always, I TOTALLY enjoy it when people's Google searches for La P lead them here. And this thread is great!

Sorry, Roy, didn't mean to make this into a La P-dominated post.

Diamonds and Pucks

I went to a baseball game, and a hockey game nearly broke out.

Err... a fight nearly broke out. The Hick (my recovering Badger friend) and I went to the Twins game Saturday, and, while the Twins sucked it up on the field, Hick and I were enjoying the company of not one, but TWO bachelor parties who were sitting around us. From our seats high atop the Metrodome upper deck (roughly at the same elevation as Mount McKinley), we observed these lovely gentlemen drink lots of beers, throw things at people, and jaw back and forth with someone who did not like things being thrown at him. It was fun.

But this isn't hockey, I realize. HOWEVER, while bemoaning the Bill Buckner-eqsue play of Nick Punto and the sad offense, I thought a bit about hockey. Of course, it was hard to fit in hockey, there was just so much about the things going on around me that I couldn't wrap my mind around. I mean, there was a guy making giant paper airplanes, who had booze-filled binoculars. And I had the following conversation with a person who had one eye sewn shut (seriously).

Hick and RWD enter stage left, filing into row with ice cream cones.

One Eyed Guy: That doesn't look like beer.

RWD, with nervous laughter: Ha ha, oh, well, I'm driving.

One Eyed Guy: Oh, that doesn't matter! Just close one eye! That's what I do.

RWD: ...

I am not lying. Good lord, what does that even mean? Is he referring to the one eye, that is perpetually shut? Or does he close both eyes? And man, does he have some accuracy when it comes to throwing a bag of peanuts!

Anyway, baseball and hockey fit together so well, you'd think it was designed with my entertainment involved. In early October, just as the hockey season is starting, the baseball season is ending. And then in March, when hockey's over, there's just a handful of days until baseball commences. You know how some crazy hicks divide their seasons into Hunting and Fishing? Well, my seasons are Baseball and Hockey. (This seamlessness doesn't apply to people who are fans of, say, the Gophers and the Yankees, who are often still playing in April and late October, respectively. But those people will also be living out an excruciating afterlife in the fiery underworld, so I guess it all works out in the end.) (Oh, one note of importance, last time the Twins were playing in very very late October, in 1991, they won the World Series on my birthday. Here's hoping the 'Dogs AND the Twins win a series on my birthday this year!)

It's easy to love baseball and hockey, even though they seem so different. I mean, if I were Michael Cuddyer and Bobby Jenks hit me in the elbow with a pitch, I would definite check that guy into the baggie so hard he would think a freight train had hit him. But, hello! You can't do that in baseball. Justin Morneau and Corey Koskie would have already done it.

Baseball is a game of anticipation, and hockey is a game where anything can happen. It is so easy to love them both.

In baseball there's the upper deck, and hockey, top shelf. The fastball and the slap shot, the breaking ball and the wrist shot. The Texas Leaguer and the lucky bounce. Carom and deflection. Wooden sticks sending hard objects flying at homicidal speeds. An overwhelming portion of the game's burden lies on the shoulders of one person, who's usually just a little on the crazy side.

Sometimes minutes in a hockey game feel like forever. Baseball could theoretically go on forever. When my team's ahead, I'm always anticipating that breakaway, that bad pitch, that could change the entire game. Tiny moments, big mistakes. A fraction of a second, a fraction of an inch, and it's a whole new ball game. Forget about what you did last night, last week, last year. You can't count a guy out because you think you're better than he is. Gene Larkin. Tony Quesada. Alejandro Pena and Don Lucia counted them out.

And, when my team's behind... well, it's best to tiptoe quietly away.

I didn't mean to fall in love with two teams who are so infrequently successful (three, if you count the Red Sox, but now it's getting harder to love them. Success has changed them. But at least they don't have *ugh* Johnny Damon anymore.) You can blame my parents, I guess. The default excuse. I know winning doesn't get old, winning is good, everyone would prefer to win rather than lose. But the 1991 World Series was so much more incredible since the Twins had been the last place team the year before. I'm sorry, Yankees fans. You'll never feel like I did then. And that first NCAA championship for the 'Dogs, oh man is that going to be sweet. Oh man, I just can't wait. The 8th title, or the 4th or 2nd, it's just not going to be the same for those folks. Victory is just so much sweeter if you're usually the also-ran.

One team is in a pennant race. The other's season is six weeks away. It's almost September, and anything can happen.

I Never Dreamed You'd Leave In Summer

Ah yes, the players who promised to be they would be the life in autumn and there would be warm love in springtime is ever-growing. Back in, oh, April or so, I started my own little list. Thanks to Goon's post, I was reminded that I've been remiss. So, away we go.
FYI, players that were not on the list from April are denoted with a ***


David Backes, Minnesota State-Mankato
Backes was a great player on an okay team. I won't miss him on the ice because he was a scary opponent, but I wish him the best of luck.

Matt Carle, University of Denver
Matt Carle pretty much did all he could at the collegiate level: national championship, Hobey Baker, All-Hottie team. Don't get that pretty face messed up in the NHL, honey!

***Ryan Carter, Minnesota State-Mankato
Who? What? Sorry buddy, you're below my radar. Perhaps my Mavs counterparts can elaborate? (Sorry I got your name wrong at first, dude.)

Kris Chucko, Minnesota-Twin Cities
I will miss Chucko simply because his name rhymed with so many insults.

Robbie Earl, Wisconsin-Madison
My archnemesis? Gone? Nooooooooo! He's totally ruined my plans! Oh, the fun we would have had, the cruel things I would have said! He's foiled my plan to wear a wetsuit and carry the A (Alfa) flag. (Contrary to what some people had at the WCHA playoffs, the "Diver Down" flag is not red and white, it looks like this.) I didn't even get a chance to cure his pimples.

Danny Irmen, Minnesota-Twin Cities
Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling, they're saying "Good luck getting a puck between us in the NHL." I don't like situations like this, when my enemy suddenly joins my side. Joe Mauer joining the Twins, Danny Irmen for the Wild. I just don't trust it. Maybe one day, love will build a bridge between Danny and me, but I don't know if it'll hold.

***Phil Kessel, Minnesota-Twin Cities
This departure comes to no surprise to us at RWD. Months ago, Ace Prognosticator DA reported that Kessel would be leaving, which I assume he learned from The Beard, his anonymous co-worker/source.

***Jordan Parise, University of North Dakota
Ouch! That one hurt. Jordy was a true inspiration to the Fighting Sioux, judging by their less-than-stellar play in front of Phillippe Lamoreaux (and why? I don't know why you wouldn't want to play well in front of the guy. His name translates from the French as "The Lover." That's wicked cool). The Second Coming of Parise may have done more for the team than Parise Vol. 1.

***Joe Pavelski, Wisconsin-Madison
All I have to say is, good thing Wisconsin doesn't rely on offense to win. Really, the MN Wild should just draft Badgers.

***Kyle Peto, Minnesota State-Mankato
Kyle Peto was DEFINITELY a hottie, winning First Team Honors 2 years ago (although somehow failing to make the list this past year... people, the head shot is sometimes all I have to go on! COMB YOUR HAIR! Use a good antibacterial toner! Smile for Mama!), and I'm sure there's a lot of broken hearts down in Southern MN.

Ryan Potulny, Minnesota-Twin Cities
The original member of The Hater Report. The inspiration for it, in fact. Oh Ryan, you were The Little Engine That In The End Just Couldn't Quite Make It. All those awards I listed above for Matt Carle, you were just shy of getting, too. You're the New Jan Brady!

***Brian Salcido, Colorado College
Well, this guy is clearly not the one we're talking about. But hello! 40 points is not easy to replace! However, CC always disappoints in the end, so I guess they could lose no one and still fall short. I had high hopes for them 2 seasons ago, but... SPLAT!

Matt Smaby, University of North DakotaI don't think any opposing players will miss the brain-rattling, bone-jarring, board-shaking hits Big Matt dished out. UND was lucky to get another year out of him, since he was so close to signing with them last year. Instead, they went with our own Rosie the Riveter.

Rastislav Spirko, University of North Dakota (added 5/5/06)
Someone, please hold me. I loved my little Sparky, and I'm going to miss him terribly. First, he goes and gets engaged to someone other than me, now he's forsaking me to go back to Europe and play for-profit hockey. Don't go, Spirko! Not without kissing me goodbye!

Drew Stafford, University of North Dakota (added 5/4/06)
Drew was a controversial player around here at Runnin' With the Dogs. He failed to make the All-Hottie List, and the readers were incensed! I thought Drew was great, he was the king of short-handed goals, he was in a rockin' band, and his arms made me all hot and bothered. The ladies love ya, Drew, and you'll be missed.

***Paul Stasny, University of Denver
Paul Stasny was tied for 4/5 in the points in the WCHA, sharing that honor with some nobody named Matt Carle. It will be interesting to see if some sort of Butler/Trotter/Mullen/Fast combo can even come close to the Carle/Stasny awesomeness.

Travis Zajac, University of North Dakota
Um... uhhh... I liked you? Good luck? Until we meet again? Sayonara? Hasta la vista, baby? I don't know, what do I say? If only we'd had more time together...

?

Do you think La P really talks like that? I mean, if I met him in person, would he talk like he isn't moving his tongue at all?

I will concede being a puffy old windbag ain't easy. But is it necessary?

Sigh. I miss hockey.

Consumer Alert!

Again, here at Runnin' With the Dogs, we exist solely to serve you. And once again, it has come to our attention that there is yet another Faux-Dog out there on the loose.


Look out, people.

FYI: I am semi-back from vacation now, although I have only been semi-present the entire summer. So look out, because another post might hit you when you least expect it.

Just Because You Drive A Lexus Doesn't Mean You Can Cut Me Off

Tales of a Road Warrior

So, the other day Mr. Zippy and I were driving along, going home from work/sitting in the parking lot all day (guess which one did what?), and some horrible woman in a Lexus cut me off. In case you didn't glean that from the title.

Anyway, that isn't so much relevant as it is annoying, but it's hopefully not a prelude to come when the RWD Staff hit the road tomorrow. That's right, we are headed north on 35 (and then subsequently 53) on our hajj to the Bulldog Mecca that is Duluth, followed by the Runnin' With the Dogs Once Every Two Years Gathering Of Staff (knowing my penchant for acronyms, you already knew it was coming... RWtDOETYGOS) at the top secret lakeside retreat. RWD, the Aaaalleged Webmaster, UMDDogz, DA, Gramps, H and L will ALL be present for the summit.

So, in other words, I'm on vacation, suckas! Not that I post that often anyway...

P.S. LaP was spotted on TV wearing a red polo the other night. YUCK! Someone should tell him that it doesn't work on him! Also, I am fairly certain if I were driving near him, LaP would cut me off.

The War Continues

I think it's awesome that someone was actually led to this site by searching for Anthony LaPanta. Possibly even La P himself! What a huge letdown for whoever was led here (although maybe not! Welcome, fellow La P hater!)

On a side note, La P has got some messed up hair going lately. More so than usual.

True

I realize that maybe some of my more recent posts have been, um, a little heavy on the fantasy elements. And while I enjoy writing pieces that have absolutely no basis in reality, it's symptomatic of 1. weather that's hot enough to make you kill someone and 2. a total lack of hockey.

But!!! No more!!! This post is absolutely, completely, 100% the absolute gospel truth!!! Yes!!! Exclamation points!!!

Monday, Monday. It wasn't the best of days. Sunday night, sometime between 7 p.m. and midnight, one of my dear pet birds and fellow 'Dogs fan (yes, he listened attentively to all the games over the internet when I was living in a teeny-tiny apartment in Champaign, IL) died. Monday I took him back to my home and buried him, which was sad (and not easy! Try digging a grave in 90-degree weather!)

I still had hope that Monday was going to be a great day. Why??? Because I was Going To See Actual Hockey. I heard about the Minnesota 4 on 4 Hockey Pro/College League through the college hockey grapevine (probably The UMD Penalty Box) and decided to go over and check out some of the 'Dogs players, new and old. It was going to be a fun day, I was certain.

It was pouring down rain when I jumped in Mr. Zippy (the vehicle that replaced the Grocery Getter of Death) and headed out on 62E for West St. Paul. Anyone who is going to chastise me for taking 62E during rush hour should know that I didn't even know where West St. Paul WAS until Monday (I had a ROUGH idea... you know, west of St. Paul), so I had to put all my trust in Mapquest. I sat in traffic for heaven knows how long, and then once I got out of traffic, I made a wrong turn. I figured it out almost immediately, as I ended up in some teeny tiny town that looked straight out of central Illinois, which is scary. The arena was easy enough to find, but since I thought I already missed the first game, I'd go find some place to eat.

Here's the real truth: I drive like a jerk. Not a cut you off, tailgate, refuse to let you merge jerk. Just a where the heck am I going, oh wait that was a curb, hmm now I missed my turn, let's do this all again...twice kind of jerk. (Typical woman driver, you say? Oh no, honey, I am not typical at all. On the road, I'm just scary.) All I wanted was a m-f McDonald's, but it wasn't meant to be. After driving over 2 curbs, I ended up at the local B.K. Six of one, I guess.

I went back to the arena only to discover the first game was still going on. Excellent! I was giddy (giddy!!!) at the thought of seeing Team #2's All-Star Awesome Guy (sarcasm does not count as a lie!), none other than Dan "Zero Points" Kronick himself. I picked up a program and started checking off numbers on the roster. Okay, there's Bobby G. in net (giving up 11 goals and still pulling out the win in OT... oddly familiar), and Nate Dey (potentially a hottie for next year? Hmmm...), and T.J. McElroy, and over on the other team, Mike Zacharias is in net, oh, hey there Evan Kaufmann I HATE YOU how's it going? and... and... WHERE WAS HE? WHERE WAS KRONICK???? WHAT HAPPENED??? What a disappointment.

Fine, whatever, I don't need to see the White All-St. Cloud All-Night Competitive Eating Team (sponsored by Seattle Sutton's Healthy Eating) vs. the Gold Ivy League/Misc. Minnesota Lodge Historians (sponsored by Pine Beach Lodge) in their Overtime Power Play Extravaganza. I wanted to see some 'Dogs.

There was another dude there wearing some UMD gear, but we sort of awkwardly avoided each other. I had a UMD sweatshirt on when I went into the actual rink, but I was also rockin' the sequins and designer jeans, because hey, I can be fabulous! even at a hockey game. Or a semi-game, with only 5 players a side and no checking. While the Blue and Maroon (!!!) teams stretched on the ice, I fielded a call from DA who was in the vicinity and was coming to join me. I feigned an intimate knowledge of southeastern suburbia and directed him. "Don't you know where Robert Street is??? Geez, it's soooo easy." I mean, like, come on Dad, get with the freaking program or something, DUH!!!

Okay, back in the ice arena, the game started, and I started checking off guys. Hmm... there's some dork from junior hockey... and there's a guy from D3 hockey, and yep, that guy's from Maine, but who's this guy? His number isn't on the roster! What? Neither is this guy!

And one by one, I checked off each of the 22 players there... and there wasn't a single Bulldog among them. I suppose there could be a few, wearing the wrong jerseys, but the whole POINT of a JERSEY and a ROSTER THAT WAS PRINTED OUT BY THE GUYS WHO RUN THIS THING is for those of us who don't know/can't tell what a player LOOKS LIKE to IDENTIFY THEM for the purposes of STALKING SCOUTING.

So I'm sorry. I don't have anything to report, I didn't get a sneak peak at Palm or Akins, didn't get to see Carroll or Greer, and didn't get to take a walk down memory lane with Hambly. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO GLARE AT DAN KRONICK UNTIL HE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED.

Ugh.

P.S. Bruce, I think they made this league just for your wife... 4 on 4, the whole time!